The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (36 page)

get one in without using your hands. However, it can go in a while before sex, so an attendant might be able to insert it before you and your partner get together. While the manufacturer does not support this, and we cannot recommend it, people are also using the Reality condom for anal sex.

Like the others, the Reality is much more expensive than latex condoms. It can also be noisy, with some people reporting a crinkly noise and others saying it can make farting sounds.

SEX TOY DISABILITY HISTORY

In an important piece of little-known disability cultural history it was a man named Gosnell Duncan who in the early 1970s made the first silicone dildos for sale in stores. Gosnell was the president of his local chapter of the National Spinal Cord Injury Foundation and knew there was a need for high-quality toys for penetration play, as well as a market among people with disabilities. His company, Scorpio Products, was the first to make these amazing toys, and they are still widely available at high-end sex toy stores. Following Gosnell's pioneering efforts, a handful of companies now manufacture dozens of different styles and colors of high-quality, much safer dildos.

Sex Toys

There are different kinds of rubber, and most sex toys are not made of latex, as it is more expensive than other types of rubber. However, many toys are made in factories where latex is used for other things, and toys may be made in molds that were used to make latex toys. Someone with a severe latex allergy could react to these traces of latex.

Silicone is a safer material that contains no latex. Silicone has been used for medical purposes and has only recently been used for sex toys. Silicone toys can be boiled so that you can share them safely. Silicone toy manufacturers will inform you if latex was used in any part of the manufacturing process, something mainstream sex toy manufacturers won't do. Silicone is much more expensive than other materials used in sex toys, but it lasts longer so you won't have to replace your toy because it started to crumble.

All sorts of other ingredients, dyes, and scents are used in sex toys, and these can become problematic for people with allergies and environmental sensitivities. What's important is that you approach sexual products the same way you would food and other items you bring into your life. If the store you're purchasing from can't provide you with a detailed ingredient list, go to another store. Better stores and websites will already have ingredients listed for customers.

Sexual Coercion

It had been a long time since I had sex with a guy and I was really happy he wanted to be with me. It didn't seem to worry him that I couldn't move around as easily as other women. But when we got into bed he said I should go down on him. I didn't want to. He said no one else would want to have sex with me because I'm crippled so I should do what he wants. He kinda pushed me down but then he stopped, which was good because I would have bitten him if he had forced me.

SEXUAL HEALTH • 273

Another part of sexual health and safety is being safe and free from coercion. A sexual partner who tries to get someone to do something they don't want to do sexually (like having penetration play without a condom) may use pretty slimy tactics to get their way. They may say things like "You are hopelessly old fashioned" or "I will leave you" or "You owe me so much that you should do whatever I want."

It is certainly fine for someone to ask for what they want, but that doesn't mean they are entitled to get it.

It isn't always women that this happens to. Men can also be coerced into sex acts, and often feel that they can't say no. They may think they won't seem masculine if they aren't eager to try any sex act or if they turn down sex.

In most relationships moments occur when one person really wants to do something that the other person isn't excited about. If the second person is willing, just not enthusiastic, it can be fine for them to go ahead and do it. But it isn't okay if that person really doesn't want to do it, but feels they should do it or are obligated to do it.

Sexual health and safer sex are attainable, and do not have to be messy or terribly inconvenient. What they are really about is a bit of planning and some imagination, as well as care for yourself and your health. You visualize what the issues might be and design a plan in advance that will give you what you need, and provide protection from what you don't.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND SEXUALITY • 275

abuse. Sexual abuse and assault can also occur within partnered, dating, or sexual relationships.

/ have been raped twice. The second time affected me much more than the first because I was twenty-seven when it happened and it really undermined my sense of myself as a powerful woman, whereas the first time I was nineteen.... Also, the first time was over really quickly whereas the second assault went on for hours. The second time really turned me off men and sex in general for a few years. I felt very powerless and vulnerable and very bitter about trusting anyone with my body. I was pissed off that I had been taken advantage of by someone much bigger and stronger than me and felt my body had let me down again. I didn't report either event to anyone but friends as I knew the whole police and court thing would be very humiliating, especially being disabled. I was terrified that police and the courts might think I should be grateful for the fuck and that they would be unable to believe me. I just gave up on sex for quite some time and my next affairs were very much controlled by me — no penetration, and I picked very gentle, trustworthy people to play with.

After being abused or assaulted we may be left with many feelings and responses about what happened that can linger and stay with us for years.

/ was molested as a child often, didn't remember until age twenty I didn't learn to relax enough to orgasm until age twenty-eight, I think that was because of the abuse.

The effects of the abuse are not always related to the type of abuse, and vary from person to person. What may appear to one person to be a harmless touch could have profound meaning and consequences for another. At the same time we've come to think of sexual abuse as so bad that no one will ever recover from its effects, or that anyone who is doing all right after abuse or an assault is in denial. This is also not true. The responses to abuse can be as varied as .the ways people find to move through it. This chapter is general in nature, and it is not our intention to

discuss in detail the diverse range of experiences people have after sexual assault. For more information, please refer to the resources listed in the Sexual Assault Resources section of Chapter 14.

Why the High Risk?

/ think disability is one means of singling out people for abusive treatment.

While researchers have recently begun to focus attention on collecting information on the risk of sexual assault in general, little information is available on the risks for people living with disabilities. The studies that have been conducted make it clear that there is a much higher than average risk of sexual abuse for people living with disabilities. The numbers from different studies vary, but the risk for women with disabilities is anywhere from two to ten times greater than that found in the general population. The risk is higher for men also, but the information we have on this is even more scarce than for women.

People living with disabilities are also at higher risk for other types of abuse. This may include physical abuse, financial exploitation, neglect (denial of food or personal care), denial of opportunities that may be taken for granted by others, and exploitation for medical or treatment purposes. This kind of exploitation occurs when a procedure is done that is not in the best interests of the person but instead for the convenience of an institution or caregiver.

Why are people with disabilities at higher risk of sexual assault? To start with, we are exposed numerous times to people we do not know and who are responsible for our care. This can occur at an early age for many children living with disabilities and may occur more often than for nondisabled kids. Most children are in the care of their parents, but children living with disabilities are more likely to be with other unrelated adults outside of their parents' presence. These may include hospital porters, volunteers, bus drivers, teaching aides, technicians, and others. As a result, potential abusers see that access to

SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND SEXUALITY • 277

someone with a disability is easier than to other children. Perpetrators also may see disabled children as potential victims because they will remain silent or will not be believed in the event that they tell of the abuse.

Living with disabilities as children, many of us learn that we must be passive, compliant, and accepting of what is happening. We learn that it is easier to get the things we need or want when we do as we are told. This might be considered a form of institutional compliance—which occurs when people learn that by complying they can get their physical and emotional needs met. Institutional compliance is usually supported by the social service agencies we use or the places where we live, which often have written and unwritten rules to monitor our behavior and actions.

No one rewards a child for refusing a treatment or kicking up a fuss when they are being pushed around. By the time they are abused, many children know that you don't protest or fight when feeling humiliated, being pushed around, or made to feel uncomfortable. We may have also learned that turning to our parents in these situations often doesn't help, for we may not be believed. We may even come to think that the abuse was our fault. If we've grown up having been exposed to numerous procedures or treatments, it's very likely that our bodies have been touched and probed by many doctors, nurses, technicians, and other health care providers. As well, if we use caregivers to assist with the carrying out of personal care routines such as catheterizations and other intimate procedures, it may not be easy for us to distinguish between this institutional intrusiveness and abuse. By allowing children to be pushed around and to have their rights ignored for the greater good of "treatment," we increase the chances that they will be set up to be victims, as some of us were. We are not suggesting that this is intentional on the part of parents or service providers, but it's a built-in part of how our health care system works.

Some people in our society still see those of us living with disabilities as "damaged goods," not quite whole. An.abuser may feel they can more easily convince someone that they deserve to be abused based on this.

The abuser might feel that no one would believe a complaint against them, because why would anyone want to assault someone who is already considered to be "damaged" in some way. The abuser may even justify to themselves that the disability makes it okay to abuse. It's hard to believe that someone would do that to somebody who is already considered vulnerable. This is another reason abusers get away with the abuse.

There exists a perception that people who live with cognitive and developmental disabilities lack the awareness of things that are happening. An abuser may feel that they can get away with the abuse because their victim won't know what's going on anyway. Again, this may also help to justify the abuse for the perpetrator.

Family members may see disclosure of sexual abuse or assault as a means of getting attention. People may be aware that some of us who have disclosed, reported, and laid charges have not been viewed as credible witnesses by the legal system.

Who Abuses?

We can't pick out abusers by how they look or what job they hold. We do know that the majority of perpetrators are men. Although there are a number of occupations that seem to have more abusers (the clergy, coaches, youth group leaders), most people are not abusers. Most who have been abused knew the abuser before it happened. They are family members, friends of the family, caregivers, babysitters, service providers. The risk for abuse increases as the number of people who are involved in our lives increases. People with more than one disability are often at higher risk, probably because of an increased number of service providers. People living with disabilities are also assaulted by people we don't know, but this is not as common an occurrence as abuse by people we do know.

Sexual abuse or assault can occur within a "romantic" relationship. When we give consent to have sex with someone once, or even one hundred times, we are not giving consent for any time they want to have sex.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND SEXUALITY • 279

/ was dating this guy for a while. One night while I was sleeping, I woke up suddenly to find him trying to have sex with me —/ wasn't even awake! His excuse was because I had "wanted it" before, he figured I would want it anytime...that I would always say "yes." I didn't say "yes" this time. Although I ended the relationship, I kept trying to think if there was anything that I had done...I blamed myself for some time afterward. I felt really violated and distrustful of male partners after that.

Sexual assault within a relationship often coexists with other kinds of abuse as well as with alcohol or substance use. Those of us in abusive relationships may feel we have no options. It can seem impossible to leave a situation where we are financially dependent on our abuser. Social isolation is another factor in this. Women in abusive relationships have often been cut off from friends, family, and other supports. There may be physical barriers to getting away. Emergency services may be difficult to access. Even getting to the service may present problems if we have to make our travel arrangements several days in advance and can only visit the service during certain hours. Many emergency services are not able or willing to accommodate people with additional needs.

Men who are abused often feel they cannot tell anyone because there is still a belief that men want to have sex all the time and that they can't be forced into sex. Traditional gender roles (including the idea that men must be strong and take care of themselves) can also prevent men from speaking about abuse. Feelings of shame may be associated with the victim's not being able to prevent the abuse. If a man is abused by another man, he may fear that the abuse has made him gay.