The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (31 page)

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ejaculate, but as you learn to have them and as you increase your control of both your breath and the energy these orgasms have in your body, you may discover that they provide even more intense and more long-lasting sensations than the sensation of ejaculation alone.

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What Is S/M?

S/M covers a broad variety of activities, from the occasional use of sensation toys to the staging of elaborate fantasies that involve dominance and submission. S/M is an abbreviation of sadomasochism, which is described in most dictionaries as a perversion involving getting pleasure from either delivering or receiving pain. This has led people to think that S/M is an illness that involves wanting to really hurt someone, or be truly hurt by someone. In truth, S/M can be a safe, healthy form of sexual expression. Some people are members of an S/M community—it forms a big part of their lives and many of their friends come from the community. For others S/M play may be something they try once and never again, or something done every now and then as part of their larger sexual expression.

While S/M can be defined in many different ways, a basic definition is that it is a form of sexual expression involving a willing exchange of power. S/M play can be physical, involving bondage, restraints, whips, and paddles. Or it can be primarily psychological, using words and imagery to offer submission to someone or actively dominate someone. Many people who have been playing with S/M for a long time also talk about a spiritual aspect to S/M, and say that S/M play can result in self-empowerment and personal growth that carries over to other aspects of their lives.

Because people who practice S/M have to deal with the fact that their sexual expression does not fit the norm, they often find greater acceptance of diversity within their community. S/M requires explicit communication and self-care. Where the norm in non-S/M sex (often called vanilla sex by people in the S/M community) is to try to look good and perform sexually, S/M sex is about knowing your own limits and boundaries and respecting them above all else.

S/M does not assume that people magically know what their partners want sexually. Communication is key to S/M. The boundaries and the general framework of everything that will happen is discussed beforehand. Sometimes this will be intricately planned out (to the point of the

bottom telling the top in advance exactly how to touch them, where, in what order, what to wear, what words to say, and what looks to give). People who are into S/M don't believe that sex must be a spontaneous, psychic event that "just happens." Far from it, they believe that magic and spontaneous emotion can arise from the feeling of being fully in control and empowered by a sexual experience. Once learned, the negotiation skills required for this are transferable to other aspects of life.

Unfortunately, despite their experience as outsiders, people in the S/M community remain relatively ignorant of disability issues, and are particularly ignorant of issues for people living with psychiatric disabilities and psychiatric labels. The most obvious example of this is the mantra of the S/M community: "safe, sane, consensual." These terms refer to the most basic requirements people who practice S/M demand from their encounters. We don't have a problem with the terms "safe" and "consensual" and will get back to these soon.

The term "sane," however, is problematic for us. We imagine the S/M community has taken up this term to fight against the stereotypes of S/M as something that is "sick" or "deranged." But by using the term "sane" they are marginalizing anyone who has a psychiatric illness. If the idea of "sane" play really refers to people being aware of the risks involved in S/M and that the choice to engage in this play is well thought out, perhaps another term could be used. If the S/M community denies access to people with disabilities, people may choose to hide their disabilities, which can result in unsafe play for everyone involved.

The S/M community can be inaccessible in other ways too. Groups may not be welcoming to anyone with a visible disability, or may host events in places that can't be easily reached.

/ find the leather community here to be extremely discriminatory against people with disabilities in general, and to me in particular. Every time I mention how something isn't accessible, I get massively flamed for it by leaders in the community who don't like to hear anything that might make them 'look bad." I found out I was a token crip when I won the state leather title...I ran on a platform

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of helping make the community accessible to all of us...but every time I tried to do that, the committee that owned the title would tell me how I was their PR person and my job was to make the community look good (and not say anything negative). Apparently they thought it made them look good that they would allow a disabled titleholder.. .but only if I was a polite little crip who told them how great a job they were doing. I finally resigned my title when I realized I could not be an activist and a titleholder at the same time.

I am bisexual, nonmonogamous, BDSM switch. I have found a few disabled players in the BDSM community though not many. It is hard to be alone. I have found great acceptance of my disability in the BDSM scene, though not too many of the dungeons or play spaces are wheelchair accessible.

I can't speak for other parts of the country but the BDSM community in NYC has a really bad attitude toward disabled people. A friend of mine was refused an opportunity to participate in a major Pride event because of blindness. They claimed their insurance wouldn't cover the involvement because of the disability. Accessibility at most venues is nonexistent and the people in charge are downright arrogant and disrespectful when asked about providing such things.

At the same time, others find support and acceptance in S/M communities.

/ have learned a lot from my leather friends. Many of them were able to accept me and all my baggage even when I wasn't. It took me a while to get used to the idea that there were people who were proud to be freaks, I don't think I really trusted them at first, but once I did, and got to know and trust some of them, it's been very liberating. I still have a hard time finding people to play with sometimes, but I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had for anything.

Of course, you don't have to be part of the community to participate in S/M play. Many people integrate aspects of S/M into their sex life without ever considering it to be a lifestyle or anything other than a private activity. Even then, people with disabilities may be faced with stereotypes that hinder this. People may feel that a person with a disability cannot be a top, or that they shouldn't want to be a bottom.

/ find it extremely difficult. Even people I am paying don't want to do S/M with me. Getting vanilla sex, even for money is difficult. The only period of my life was when I had a paid master. I was paying him, however he was calling the shots. I had to end that relationship, as the last time he was here he was doing some sort of drug. Even if you don't have a disability you must have trust in your master. I am a very vulnerable person and must be very careful. I haven't found anyone to replace him.

I also find that the belief that a disabled person is "weak" or "helpless" keeps a lot of people from taking me seriously as a Top/Domme. A lot of people equate physical strength with being a Domme...even though Domming is so much more in the head than in the body. I was lucky. ..my mentor was disabled long before I thought I was...and she was an incredible Domme. She was known as a Domme's Domme (and was the only person who could ever get me to say "Yes, Ma'am" to anything).

The "safe" part of the three basic concepts in S/M means that whatever a person wants to do, from tying someone to a bedpost to piercing someone's skin with a series of temporary piercing needles, they need to know the safe way to go about it. They need to have whatever equipment is necessary to play safe and they should have plans in case something goes wrong. They must be able to provide support for whatever might be needed by their play partner(s) once they are done (which is referred to as aftercare).

S/M play is, and must be, consensual. All parties involved are aware of what is going to take place, have agreed to be there and to engage in

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the play. Anyone has the right to withdraw their consent at any time. This basic concept is one of the empowering aspects of S/M play, because it means that every time we play we acknowledge the power to choose.

S/M play may involve other kinds of sex (including penetration) but doesn't have to. It is up to the individuals involved to decide.

Many people consider S/M almost like theater. People take on roles and personae and it can have a cathartic effect. When we push our limits, emotions come to the surface, and—like Tantric yoga described in chapter 10—this can lead to self-understanding and feelings of self-empowerment.

Basic Terms in S/M Play

Anyone can try S/M without knowing any terms. As long as you figure out what is safe, what you feel comfortable with, and have planned for safety, you don't need a special vocabulary. But it's a good idea to know a number of terms used by people who are seriously into S/M.

The top or dominant is the person doing things to the submissive or bottom. A session of S/M play is called a scene. Because power is not a clearly defined entity, and exchanging power from one person to another happens in subtle ways, the definitions of tops and bottoms can change from person to person, and scene to scene. Some people identify only as a top or as a bottom. In all their play they like to just be dominant, or just be submissive. Many other people will switch back and forth, generally preferring one role over the other. We believe that dominance and submission are aspects of all of us.

One of the most misunderstood aspects of S/M is who controls the scene. People who know little about S/M assume it's the top that controls things. But this isn't the case. The bottom really runs the show. They are the ones who set the limits about what they will do, won't do, how they want to be spoken to, touched, and treated after the scene is finished. It is the top's responsibility to take care of the bottom, while both parties participate in the illusion that the top is in control.

BDSM is another common term. The B and D stand for bondage and discipline, which are two popular aspects of S/M play.

Safewords are a crucial part of S/M play. Safewords are signals that the bottom uses to indicate that they want the scene to stop immediately. They don't have to be spoken words but can be signs or gestures. Safewords are one way consent is communicated. Before any kind of S/M play begins it is important to establish a safeword. The idea behind safewords is that we not only need to be aware of our limits and learn when we've reached them, we also need to recognize the feeling of being about to reach them. It's okay to stop sex at any time and ask for what you need, without its being interpreted as rejection of either your partner or what you're doing at the time.

Typically people will have more than one safeword to indicate what they want exactly. So someone might use the word yellow to indicate that they need things to slow down a bit, but not stop entirely. The word red could indicate that something is wrong and the scene needs to end right away. Of course it is important that you come up with safe-words that you will be able to use at all times. Usually people will invoke their safeword when they are distressed or fatigued or otherwise off. Because those situations may exacerbate communication problems for some people, having a couple ways of communicating is a good idea.

Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a scene I have difficulty finding the safeword to tell my partner to stop. Especially if I'm feeling distressed. I use my good hand to slap on the bed a couple of times to let them know that the scene should stop.

I'm very particular about safewords because my energy can go quickly and I can go from being right there to being out of it in seconds. Everyone I play with knows what extreme fatigue looks like on me. Also, if I'm worried about either forgetting a safeword or being too out of it to use it, I will also use a rubber ball in my hand. When I drop the ball my partner knows to stop what's going on and check in with me. I haven't dropped the ball yet, but it's good to have it there.

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When we explore with S/M, the intensity of the play can add to any difficulty in using regular communication that we have. Some disabilities make "word search" difficult, so we can't find the word we want to say. Sometimes we know what word we want to use but can't get it out. In S/M, communication is crucial, and it is important to figure out several ways to communicate before you start to play. So if you usually rely on verbal communication, you may want to come up with some simple hand signals to use for when you're too exhausted (or excited) to say something verbally. If you rely on sign language or other gestures in conjunction with a communications device, maybe you can also use a particular look to communicate something, or a body movement that is easy for you to do at all times. A bell within easy reach, on a string that can be held or strapped to the hand, can be rung as a safeword. A ball or other small object can be dropped or thrown on the floor as a signal.

Another safety issue is that this kind of sex play can be much more psychological than a lot of other kinds of sex, and we need to be more aware of triggers and self-care issues than when we are talking about asking someone out on a date, or kissing. If someone with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) wants to try S/M, their partner must be able to tell if there are warning signs (things they might say, ways they look, sounds they might make) that they are having a flashback or are otherwise distressed.

/ don't play if I am not feeling stable at the time. I work on shielding, and I refuse to do things that I know are triggers. As a Domme, that is pretty easy to do...I have also played with several subs with dissociative identity disorder and PTSD. What I do is to really know the person before playing...what triggers her flashbacks, what helps calm her...where to explore and where to leave alone, etc. Sometimes I do have to stop a scene...I watch for clues and have a good sense of when to stop and when to work through the trigger by continuing slowly and carefully.. .communication is the key. If I know the sub has PTSD, I am watching for signs of a trigger/ flashback. I treat that as a safeword and stop play to deal with