The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (14 page)

A good dating service will match up people who have the same interests or who seem likely to be compatible. Again, be honest. A dating service that has not had many clients with disabilities may think that they should only introduce people who have disabilities to each other, or that you will be grateful for any date they set up. You may want to address this issue with them before they match you up with anyone.

Finding People Online

Getting out isn't possible for everyone, but the Internet has given many people an opportunity to "get out" in a different way. The World Wide Web is a way to get information or become involved in a global community (whether a game-playing group, political organization, or hobby group), and is also a way that some people have sexual (or cybersexual) relations.

Go for it! (Though with just one full arm, I find it a bit tricky to type and self-stimulate at the same time!)

I have much contact with people online. Sometimes I tell them I'm disabled; sometimes I don't. Many times they forget my limitations. Mental imagery really helps. I hope to meet one or two of the people I have chatted with next year. Whether we play or not, I'm undecided. I've also met people with whom I never discuss sex. One guy and I just play chess.

Getting online is not something we can all do. Computers are expensive and so is adaptive software. Being sexual online requires access to a computer in a place where you can have some privacy. But the opportunity to communicate without sex and get information can be found at public libraries, community centers, and possibly your local center for independent living.

Relationships that start online can go almost anywhere. What you're looking for will greatly determine what you find. There are lots of opportunities for online sexual encounters, people who are looking for

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friends/pen pals, and people seeking long-term relationships through online dating services. Some people move the friendship or relationship to the real world, meeting in person. It is important to remember that when meeting someone online, they are not always who they say they are. If you are going to meet someone in person, you should arrange to meet them in public and with a friend around.

If you don't have one already, we highly recommend getting a free email address (from a service like Yahoo or Hotmail) and use that address for all your online explorations. While a computer hacker could find you anyway, most people wouldn't know how to track you down, and having a separate email address for when you go into chatrooms or email a personal ad gives you some anonymity and the ability to keep your primary email address free from unwanted junk mail.

Newsgroups, Dating Services, and Live Chats

Newsgroups are groups of people who subscribe to a list based on a common interest. Most often the group communicates through an email bulletin board where one member sends a message that gets sent to all the other members. There are newsgroups on practically every interest you can think of (sock knitters, people interested in the chemical properties of Play-Doh, fans of the original cast of "The Love Boat," not to mention every sexual interest under the sun). There are now several online sites that you can go to and browse through newsgroups to find a topic that interests you (see the Meeting People section of chapter 14). While the communications of the newsgroup are public, often relationships branch off into private communications. Meeting people is not the primary function of newsgroups, and some groups may be wary if you appear to be joining just to find a mate. When first checking out a newsgroup we recommend hanging back and reading some of the emails that the group is sending before venturing forth with your own email to the group. Some groups are filled with kind, interested people who are really there to support each other around whatever the group's subject interest is. But in most groups some people will be there primarily for an

argument, wishing to pick on others and start verbal fights when they can. Surveying a group for a bit will give you a good idea of whom you might want to communicate with, and whom to stay away from.

Dozens of large, Internet dating services have proliferated, and hundreds of small ones. Among the benefits of these services is that they usually let you check them out for free, and also that concealing your disability (if you prefer to) is easier to do online. Most of these services offer you a mailbox, so you don't need to disclose your email address to the people you are responding to, or to the people responding to your ad. Every now and then an online dating service that is disability specific crops up. All our comments in the earlier dating service section apply here as well.

Chatrooms are Internet spaces, usually tied to a specific website, where people can communicate in real time. There will be chatrooms attached to websites with specific areas of interest (a website for a particular TV show might have a chatroom, or a political website might have a chatroom). Chatrooms also exist that are geared to sexual encounters. When you enter a chatroom you usually need to provide them with a name (never use your own!), but you can usually spend some time watching what is happening, reading what people are doing, before jumping in.

Another way of meeting people is to frequent disability-related sites that let you post personal ads. Sometimes these are free and sometimes they charge. If a site is going to charge you, try to get a referral from someone, find out if they actually have lots of people placing or answering ads, learn if the site has been around a while. Be wary of places that charge and be sure to get some information (and preferably a referral) before paying for stuff online. Some of the disability- and sex-specific sites listed in chapter 14 offer personal ads for free or for a minimal charge.

Paying for Sex

Some people say there's no such thing as free sex. We're not going to argue that position one way or the other, and we know that including information about prostitution will probably anger some folks. But the fact is that millions of people around the world, every kind of person you

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DEVOTEES

Kath Duncan is a dynamic, fun, forty-something lesbian who works as a radio teacher and broadcaster, writer, and journalist in Australia. Born with one full-length right arm and one full-length left leg, she gets twice as much wear out of a pair of socks.

"Put simply, a devotee is someone who admires, desires, and/or fetishizes someone who's disabled. It can be any disability, but most common tend to be amputees, wheelchair users, and other physical or mobility disabilities.

"Opinions on devotees are very mixed within disability circles, with some claiming they are troubled, exploitative freaks who should be shunned. Others say they enjoy interacting with them, both as potential lovers or allies. "The question really is: What does an attraction to physical difference mean? It's possible the attraction may not represent some bizarre problem, but may be just a variation on the big tits, red pubic hair, tight butt fetishes of other people, though we tend not to call these desires fetishes. We tend to class attractions as 'normal' and 'abnormal,' and an attraction to disabled folk is firmly assigned to the 'abnormal' basket. Restrictions on who we're supposed to be attracted to seem the only 'abnormal' thing to me. Maybe if disabled people on the whole weren't so excluded from life and 'normal' life experiences, then the devotee attraction would not seem weird at all, but rather a factor of the magical continuum of desire, or the notion that there's at least one somebody for everybody—and hopefully, in all our cases, lots of somebodies.

"Devotees say the disability is an 'attractant,' that is, a starting point for a relationship or an affair. There are sites on the Internet for several organizations that arrange group meetings between devotees and disabled individuals in a nonthreatening social environment." — Kath Duncan

can imagine, pay people for sex. It's not just for weirdoes, politicians, or televangelists. It can be for us, too.

We aren't suggesting that anyone has to pay for sex. People can live their entire lives without having sex with anyone (even themselves). While some people feel it's a necessity, it isn't exactly like oxygen. People pay for sex because they choose to—even if they feel they have no other

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place to get sex, it's still a choice. And some people who have no problem finding partners still choose to pay for sex. And we think that as long as both the client and the sex worker are doing everything consensually, sex work is not something to be put down, and sex workers should no longer be marginalized as evil, moral-robbing harlots. Sex work exists. It happens and people have access to it. People who are thinking of paying for sex need to think about how to access paid sex in a safe way, communicate what they want, and insist on safer sex practices.

We use the term sex worker as opposed to prostitute. Sex worker is a broader term that encompasses anyone who works in the sex industry. Someone who has sex for money and works off a street corner is a sex worker, so is someone who strips on the Internet and bills your credit card, so is someone doing phone sex for pay. The other thing we like about the term is that it is more descriptive of the fact that it's work. It's work that some people do by choice and other people do out of necessity.

All kinds of sex can be bought. Phone sex, sex online, strip clubs, massages to climax, oral sex, vaginal or anal penetration, and S/M sex are all available. If there is something you are interested in doing, it's likely that there is someone you can pay to do it with you.

Here are a few tips from sex workers themselves about communication beforehand and making sure you don't get ripped off.

Know what you want. The clearer you can be with someone about what you want before you start doing it, the better. If you're looking for someone to fuck, say so. If you want a specific kind of sex, let them know. Remember that it's their job and you are unlikely to shock someone with your sexual desires.

Have a safety plan. If you're having sex where you live, be aware that you could get robbed or hurt. Someone who will need help to defend themselves physically or to kick someone out should consider having someone at their place (obviously in another room), or should have a plan to call someone or have them call a couple of times during the visit. If they don't get the call, or if the phone isn't picked up at the appointed time, they'll know something's up and come over.

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When possible get a referral. There are so many "escort" agencies in the yellow pages and personal ads in big-city newspapers that it's hard to tell who is good and who isn't. As a general rule, escort agencies in

SEXUAL SURROGATES

A sexual surrogate is someone trained to work with individuals to help them deal with sexual dysfunction or explore their sexuality.

Usually a surrogate will work with a therapist and a client. While traditional therapies usually focus on talking, a sexual surrogate will engage in sexual behaviors with the client, often using specific techniques that have been shown to be useful.

The goal of the encounter is to allow the client to explore aspects of sexual response, sexual feelings, and sexual techniques in a safe environment with a professional who is trained to provide feedback and offer suggestions and advice.

Sex surrogates usually charge about $100 an hour. Some surrogates may offer sliding-scale hourly rates. We are not aware of any health plans that cover the cost of sexual surrogates.

Despite the fact that surrogates have sex with you for money, surrogates distinguish what they do from prostitution because they have received specialized training and the main goal of the interaction is education. They are generally not treated like prostitutes by the law, and in most countries seeing a sexual surrogate is not something that will get you in legal trouble. It's a fair and important question, though, to ask about the legal status of someone you are considering working with.

Surrogates are not substitutes for finding dates or sexual partners; they are a step toward self-discovery rather than a place to go just to have sex. Surrogacy is always a time-limited relationship. A sexual surrogate will agree to work with you for a set number of sessions, but will not offer open-ended therapy.

If you are interested in finding out more about sexual surrogates, contact the International Professional Surrogates Association, listed in the Sexuality: General Resources section of chapter 14.

Journalist Mark O'Brien wrote a marvelous article about his experiences with a sexual surrogate for The Sun. You can access the article online at www.pacificnews.org/marko/sex-surrogate.html.

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the yellow pages should be avoided unless there is a specific recommendation from someone trustworthy. If you can't ask around, then insist on speaking with the person on the phone beforehand. Take this opportunity to do a little interview. Tell them about what you're looking for and ask them a few questions about their work. Ask them what they know about disability. Their responses will, we hope, give you an indication of what they are like to work with.

Talk about your disability. The last thing you need is someone either freaking out or throwing all their negative attitudes on you when you're supposed to be having fun. While you are having a relationship with a sex worker, you aren't friends, and you aren't going to be long-term lovers. Be up front about any assistance you need and whether or not you'll have an attendant there. If you'd prefer someone to assist you as part of the work, let them know. If you need time for positioning, you may want to find out if extra time will cost you more, or if they are comfortable with a slower pace.

Negotiating with Attendants

The topic of sexuality and attendants is a tricky one. We believe that sex and sexuality is an activity of daily living. Whether we are actually having sex or not, our sexuality is part and parcel of who we are, and an attendant has to deal with aspects of that, just like they have to deal with aspects of our race, religious faith, and food allergies. This doesn't mean that attendants have to deal with all aspects of the sexuality of their employers, just some. Your attendant may need time to adjust to this idea. It is an employment relationship and you have the right to expect it to be treated as such.