The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (26 page)

Illustration 12. Dildos

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penetration, or both. Some people also get pleasure from how a dildo looks, whether on its own, inserted in you, or being worn by yourself or someone else with a harness. Dildos are made from a variety of materials, including rubber, glass, wood, plastic, and leather. Every material has its benefits and drawbacks. Your choice should be based on what you want to do with it, what will work best for you, and personal taste. In general, a firmer dildo, or one with a good curve, will be better for C-spot stimulation for women and prostate stimulation for men. Firmer dildos are also easier to use in harnesses. The look and shape of the dildo is quite important for some people. Some dildos are surprisingly realistic-looking and -feeling, modeled from real penises and complete with veins and balls that move. For people who are turned off by realistic-looking penises there are dildos that look like dolphins, goddesses, cats, or nothing in particular.

THE PLAIN RUBBER VS. SILICONE RUBBER CONTROVERSY

Many of the higher-end sex toy stores have ongoing debates about whether it is safe to recommend and use plain rubber dildos. Some people say that the cheaper rubber is of unknown origin and has many chemicals and dyes that eventually leach out and into our bodies. These people often say that silicone is the only material to put in your body. We can think of two problems with this argument. First, no scientific studies have been conducted on this. We simply don't know if the claims of harm are true. We do know that people have been using cheap rubber toys for years and there has yet to be any major health crisis related to it. Second, many of us will never be able to afford $80 for a sex toy. That said, the most balanced of sex stores seem to go with the following advice: Silicone is a very safe material to use, but if you are using less expensive rubber dildos, and you have concerns about their safety, always use a condom on the toy. Using condoms won't change the way most toys feel, and they are also a great way to keep the toy clean and extend its life span. Maybe one day "60 Minutes" will investigate, but until then we all have to assess the risk for ourselves and choose what to do. We only caution you against being talked into a more expensive toy than you want. You can always find ways to play safe and cheap!

The best-quality soft rubber dildos available are made with silicone rubber. Silicone is ideal for sex toys. It retains temperature much better than plain rubber, so it will heat up to your body temperature as you use it. It is a much cleaner form of rubber, it tends to be hypoallergenic, and because silicone can withstand high temperatures, you can clean your silicone toys by boiling them in water for three to five minutes. Silicone also comes in a much wider range of color choices. Because silicone toys are handmade by small manufacturers, it is easier to find out information about the material if you have specific allergies or sensitivities. The main drawback to silicone is that it is usually twice the price of plain rubber. Plain rubber dildos range from $12 to $40, while silicone toys range from $50 to $150.

Anal Toys

Anything used for anal penetration should have a flared base, large enough so that the toy can't slip into the rectum. The rectum can create a vacuum effect, and objects that don't have a big base can quickly be drawn up into your body. While it is true that what goes up will come down eventually, we don't recommend you take that chance. To play safe, only use a toy with a flared base, one with a large handle, or one with some sort of ring on the end that will prevent the toy from slipping all the way in.

People use three kinds of toys for anal play. The first are dildos with flared bases. People usually use these toys for penetration with some variation on an in/out motion. If you use a curved dildo it is easier to stimulate the prostate for men.

The second most common anal toy is called a butt plug. Butt plugs are small at the tip, gradually get wider, and then get small again just before the flared base. The benefit of these toys is that once inserted, they will stay in much better than a regular dildo. People will insert a butt plug (or have someone else do it) as part of sex play and then do other things while the plug is in. It is perfectly safe to leave a butt plug in for a while as long as you're able to monitor your own sensations around the

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anus (see safer sex tips later in this chapter for more ideas on this). Both dildos and butt plugs can come in vibrating and nonvibrating styles. Many vibrating anal toys come with Chinese motors, and some are made with the better quality Japanese motors.

The third kind of anal toy is anal beads. Sometimes called Thai beads, these are a series of five or six round hard plastic or soft rubber beads attached by a stout string or cord. The idea is that the beads are inserted slowly with lots of lubricant, and then slowly pulled out. Unlike dildos and plugs, the pleasure from the toy doesn't come from having it inside, but instead from the sensation as they pass along the two ringed sphincter muscles. If you are using hard plastic anal beads it is very important to check for seams before you use them the first time. If there are seams they should be filed down with an emery board before first

use. Another problem with beads is keeping the string or cord clean. Most of these beads cannot be boiled in water, and the string is usually cotton or nylon. Nylon string is best. But better yet, several styles of anal beads are entirely made of jelly rubber with no string at all. They still can't be boiled, but rubber is much less absorbent than string and these kinds of beads will last longer. Toys are a way to start exploring the pleasure potential of this area with less stress than trying to negotiate anal play with a partner. The price of anal toys varies based on the kind of toy and the material. Plugs can be as low as $8, and beads are usually also inexpensive (even the best ones should be under $30).

Harnesses

A harness allows you to use a dildo with someone else without having to hold on to it. The most popular harnesses are waist harnesses, which go around the waist and have one or two straps designed to go between the legs. Other harnesses let you strap a dildo around your thigh, or around your arm (even around your chin), and a third category of harness is designed to let you strap a dildo onto something else (see sidebar).

Penetration is only important for those I am with, because I can't get an erection. But in my mind I do like to insert the dildo and see and feel my partner enjoy it.

Many people use harnesses to penetrate a partner with a dildo without holding on to it. All sorts of people use harnesses in this way—men who can't always get an erection, but like to penetrate their partners; women who want to penetrate their (male or female) partners; men who can get erections but choose to try something different. Harnesses also facilitate fantasy play. When you strap on a harness and dildo you are not only strapping on a new body part, you can also strap on a different persona. Whether you have a penis or not, playing with the fantasy of having this new penis (which may be a very different shape and feel from your own, or may be entirely new if you've never had one) can be exhil-

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AN ACCESSIBLE TOY STORY

A frustrating idea that nondisabled people often have is that to make something accessible is difficult, expensive, and just a general pain in the ass. While this usually isn't true (except in people's heads), there is no question that it is much easier to make something accessible from its creation than to go back and change it later. Most sex toys aren't very accessible. They have ridiculous designs; they are made for a small percentage of the population in terms of the array of people's needs and physical abilities. But with only a few small modifications in design it doesn't have to be that way. A perfect example is an ingenious toy made by a San Francisco-based company called Stormy Leather. The toy is called the Night Rider. The Night Rider is essentially like any other thigh harness. It is designed to let you strap a dildo on to something. The problem with most thigh harnesses is that the straps are made for people with only certain size thighs (which quickly excludes anyone without thighs also). The folks at Stormy Leather fixed this problem by making the Night Rider with just under five feet of strapping. Thus their toy can go around any size thigh, not to mention a wheelchair, a (small) tree, anything. The cost of adding this extra length is minimal and the toy's retail cost is about the same as most thigh harnesses. It's a perfect example of a toy that is adaptable and didn't require space age modifications. Most manufacturers don't think about accessibility. But some small manufacturers have expressed interest in making more accessible toys. If you're interested in offering suggestions, see the Sexuality: Products (Toys, Books, Videos/ DVDs) section of chapter 14 on sex toy resources.

arating, freeing, and a fascinating way to explore gender. This is to say nothing of the fun your new penis can give you and your partner. Harnesses range in price depending on the material and durability. Inexpensive harnesses can start at $40, with most running from $60 to $100.

Toys for Men

Men can use almost any kind of sex toy. Dildos and vibrators are marketed for women but are just as much fun for men. Some toys are made

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specifically for penises. They can be divided into three groups: insertion toys, cock rings, and pumps.

Insertion toys are designed to have a penis inserted into them. The main difference in these toys is whether or not they vibrate.

A whole host of nonvibrating insertion toys are available for men. These are usually cylindrical toys that have a hole running through the shaft that is designed to be penetrated by a penis. Some are made to look like body parts (vagina, anus, mouth), and others aren't supposed to look like anything at all. You can consider all of them to provide an alternative to the feeling of a human hand, mouth, ass, vagina, or whatever. Most of these toys require that you or someone else hold on to them, and for most people the pleasure comes from moving them up and down the shaft of the penis. Some toys even have "ribs" inside that provide extra stimulation.

Vibrating toys offer a completely different sensation. Most toys of this type look the same as the nonvibrating toys but have a vibrator either on the outside of the cylinder or somewhere inside the rubber. Some of these toys provide strong stimulation and a nice feeling. If you are looking for a toy like this, be aware of where the vibrator is placed. The best place is at the opening, where the penis goes in. That way the vibrator can stimulate whatever part of your penis you prefer. If the vibrator is placed deep inside the toy it probably won't work as well. In terms of cleanup, a lot of these toys are not open ended, so if you ejaculate into the toy it's almost impossible to get it fully clean. The best designs are those that are hollow all the way through, allowing for easy cleanup. Some vibrating toys will stay on the penis, allowing you to have vibration without having to hold the toy, yet others are too floppy to stay on and require at least one hand, if not two hands, to use them. All these toys require you to use a lubricant with them, as the rubber is always dry and often sticky. Insertion toys for men vary in price from $30 to $100 depending on the quality of the material and whether there is vibration or not.

The second group of sex toys for men is cock rings. A cock ring is a piece of material (usually rubber or leather) that goes around the base of the penis and behind the scrotum. Men use cock rings for different rea-

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sons. For men with genital sensation they can be a pleasurable toy in themselves. They create a feeling of warmth and pressure and focus your attention on your genitals in a new and different way. Some men also wear rings because they like the way they make their genitals look. Some men, regardless of genital sensation, say that rings allow them to maintain an erection. A ring will not give you an erection, but if you have one, the ring works by holding blood in the penis, thus maintaining the erection. They don't work for everyone, and they don't always work each time. Rings differ in the way they go on and come off. The easiest rings to use have Velcro fasteners. These can be taken off with very little effort. The most difficult rings to use are ones that are solid rubber and not very stretchy. Note an important safety rule: Cock rings should not be used for more than thirty minutes at a time. Rings work by temporarily restricting the flow of blood out of the penis, and blood flow should not be restricted for more than thirty minutes. Setting a timer can help with this. If you think it may be difficult for you to get the ring off, allow for extra time or have someone around who can help you. Cock rings range in price from $10 to $30.

The third group of sex toys is penis pumps. The ads for pumps seem to promise a permanently enlarged penis, an erection whenever you want it, and a dream home in Barbados. All of these are far from the truth. The way a penis pump works is simple: The pump goes over the penis and has to be held tightly against the body. Pumping draws air out of the cylinder, creating a vacuum. This pulls blood into the penis, leading to an erection (barring circulatory problems). Once the pump is removed, if the man isn't aroused, or if he has problems maintaining erections, the erection will go away. Both men and women also use pumps as a sensation toy on other parts of the body (often the nipples and clitoris, but you can use them anywhere). By drawing blood to the surface of the skin covered by the pump you can create different sensations that some find pleasurable. Pumps range in price, anywhere from $30 to $300. We want to caution you that pumps are the most lied-about product (by manufacturers and many retailers) and, as a result, often the most disappointing toy people try. If you're interested