The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (22 page)

As we will be discussing in chapter 8, anal contact does not have to mean penetration. Oral/anal contact may not involve actually putting your tongue in someone's anus, especially because there are many nerve endings on the skin around the anus. You can begin very gently and slowly, even with just your breath. You can also use your nose to lightly brush up against the anus. Anal/oral contact is usually less of a sucking action and more of a caress. Let your tongue pass up and down along the anus, or twirl your tongue in circles starting farther

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away from the anus and moving slowly closer to the ridgey area right around the anus.

You may want to insert a finger or toy into your partner's anus while licking or sucking other parts of their genitals.

Using Toys

While oral sex is usually about the mouth, there's nothing that says you can't add other elements to oral play. Some people like to use a vibrator during oral sex. Anything from a large plug-in massager to the tiny vibrators that fit on your fingers can add pizzazz to oral sex. The vibrator can be guided by either partner. It can be placed on any part of the penis or vulva that isn't being stimulated with the mouth, and moved around on the inner thighs, perineum, ass, belly, chest, or nipples, wherever it feels good. Dildos can be used for vaginal penetration, and butt plugs can be used anally during oral sex. Chapter 9 covers many aspects of sex toy use.

Kissing

You might not think of kissing in connection with oral sex, but it is sex and it's done with mouths, so we thought this would be a good place to mention it. Kissing is a great sexual act. You can get totally turned on without ever taking off your clothes, you can go on and on for a long time. Need we say that there are about a million different ways to kiss? And even better, there has never been a documented case of HIV being spread by kissing.

Positioning

Any position where two mouths are in close proximity will work. You don't want to get into a position where someone's nose is blocked. Kissing can be done standing, sitting, reclining, or lying down. When lying side by side, each person has to figure out a comfortable position for the arm on the bottom. If one person is going to lie on top of the other, the person on top needs to be aware of how much pressure they

are putting on the other person. This is particularly important if the person on the bottom has decreased or absent sensation and would not be able to tell if their leg is being crushed. Kissing in a wheelchair also requires some maneuvering. If both people are in chairs, getting close enough can be a problem, so your best bet is with the chairs next to each other but facing in opposite directions, a kind of "wheelchair 69." If one person isn't in a chair, then they can lean over for a short period of time. This position has implications of dominance, which may be uncomfortable for some, and a major turn-on for others. Another possibility is for one person to sit on the lap of the other. This position requires that the person on the bottom have strong bones. If one partner is much taller than the other, a good position can be with the shorter person sitting on a counter while the taller one stands.

My girlfriend doesn't use a wheelchair but she figured out how we can kiss for a quite a while without either one of us feeling uncomfortable. One way is she gets on her knees so she's at the right height as me. This isn't something she can do for long, but it does feel more equal between us... also I can reach parts of her upper body with my lips that I can't when we're kissing and she's leaning over me in my wheelchair. Another way is that she'll sit on a chair and have me wheel up in front of her so she can straddle my chair. I feel more at ease knowing she's comfortable.

Technique

Perhaps more than any other sexual activity, kissing is a kind of sex that simply can't be rushed. In the throes of passion kissing may get rough and aggressive, but when first kissing someone your best bet is gentle exploration and subtle technique. Kissing can involve just the lips: pressed to each other gently or firmly, rubbed against each other, nibbled with or on. A kiss not only feels good for the receiver, but as the kisser you can sense your partner's body and response in a different way. When you kiss someone's lips, face, wherever on their body you like and they like, notice what their skin feels like under your lips. Kissing can also

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involve the tongue. This is often called French kissing. This can be done either with the couple's lips pressed together or with them in more casual contact. The more casual contact works well for people who can only breathe through their mouths, for they can keep breathing while kissing. The tongues can touch and tease each other, or a tongue can be run over the lips or gums of the other person. You can also get your teeth involved, mixing up soft kisses and touches of tongues with gentle (and possibly not so gentle) nibbles and bites.

Some people like to have their eyes open while kissing, to see their partner's face. Others prefer to have their eyes closed, or find it overwhelming to be looked at during kissing.

We know one sex educator who tells people who want to practice kissing without a partner to use marshmallows, pudding, and other small candy. Take some in your mouth and try to roll it around your mouth and play with it without chewing or dissolving it at first. Partly this can be a game of keeping the food in your mouth and not swallowing it. But it can also be a way of experimenting with the many enticing things your lips, tongue, teeth, and mouth can do.

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ally open our bodies up to them, can be a powerful form of sharing. Some heterosexual men are opening themselves up to the experience of being penetrated by their female partners and discovering the pleasure and intimacy it creates.

Many people simply like the way penetration feels. Even if you have little or no external genital sensation, you may enjoy, and get off from, being penetrated. While it is in no way an essential part of sex, if you're interested in it there is no reason not to experiment— even if you have had doctors tell you "It won't work" or "You won't feel anything."

Vaginal Penetration

Some women orgasm easily

with penetration by fingers, a

whole hand, a penis, or a sex

toy. Most women do not have

orgasms from penetration alone,

but when combined with cli-

toral and other kinds of stimulation, they may have orgasms while being

penetrated. During orgasm the muscles circling the vagina contract, and

these contractions may be felt more strongly if there is something in the

vagina. There are many possible positions for vaginal penetration, and

we will explore some of them below.

BEND OVER, BOYFRIEND

A few years ago, several people associated with the sex store Good Vibrations were inspired to create an educational video geared to heterosexual couples who wanted to explore male anal play. The inspiration came from the large number of people who were going to sex stores and asking about the how's and why's of women penetrating men anally. The result is an excellent video, called Bend Over Boyfriend (known as BOB, for short), that combines education with sex. BOB offers instruction and explicit demonstration of technique, role-playing and fantasy, and how to communicate with your partner, plus tips on how to shop for toys for play. It is hosted by sex educators Carol Queen and Robert Morgan, and has become a huge bestseller, so much so that BOB 2 was produced not long after the first tape came out. Most of the stores listed in the Sexuality: Products section of chapter 14 have this video for sale, and it is also available through Fatale Media (www.fatalemedia.com), the company that produced the first volume.

Despite the widely held belief that first penetration is painful, it isn't always so, especially if the woman is aroused and well lubricated. Taking things slowly at first also helps. Some women have a painful reaction to penetration, called vaginismus. With vaginismus the muscles in the vagina spasm, making penetration difficult (or impossible) and very painful. Vaginismus can be treated effectively in several ways that don't involve medication, so if penetration is painful you may want to find a registered sex therapist to talk to about this. See the Sexuality: Health and Safer Sex section of chapter 14.

We highly recommend using a lubricant for all kinds of vaginal penetration. Fingers, hands, and toys do not lubricate themselves, but even if you are having intercourse (penetration by a penis) lubrication makes everything more wet, more comfortable, and often more fun.

Fingers

While not everyone will be able to use their fingers and hands to penetrate a partner, if you can, it's a great way to start exploring penetration. One of the nice things about using fingers is that you get to feel more of what's going on inside your partner. Penises are not as sensitive as fingers and hands (and of course dildos are not sensitive at all), and while you can always gauge your partners' reaction by how they respond, having the opportunity to really "get in there" can be useful and exciting.

If you are going to penetrate your partner with your fingers, you need to start by removing any and all jewelry, make sure your nails are short and clean, and check to see if you have any cuts on your fingers or hands. One concern is that if you penetrate someone while wearing a ring, or if you have very long or jagged nails, you could cut your partner. A second concern is that if you have open cuts on your hands you are at risk for getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) (see chapter 12 for more safer sex tips). The easiest way to deal with both these concerns is to use latex or nonlatex rubber gloves for penetration. In chapter 12 we list the options for people with latex and other allergies. Cloves make everything smooth, they don't reduce sensation that much, and they also act as a barrier to STIs.

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You can use your fingers however your partner likes. There is a huge variation in the way people like to be penetrated by fingers (also called finger fucking). Few people like to be poked and prodded, and it's always good to start off gently, and not to forget what's going on outside the vagina. Pay attention to the clitoris and vulva as you move inside your partner. It is perfectly safe to insert several fingers, and even a whole hand, in the vagina, but you need to let your partner be your guide. If you curve your fingers a bit (bending them toward your partner's belly button), you can stimulate her G-spot through finger penetration (which she may like, or may not like, or may not even notice).

Vaginal Fisting

This kind of penetration involves having your entire hand (which curls into the shape of a fist) in your partner's vagina. People on both the giving and the receiving end describe fisting as an extremely intense experience. It requires a lot of communication and trust between partners. Despite its name, fisting is not a violent activity, and, if done safely, it is not a dangerous form of sex play. For those of you who find it hard to believe that a whole fist could get in a vagina, keep in mind that newborns are much larger than fists.

Entire books are devoted to fisting, and if you want to experiment with this kind of play we suggest you check out the Sexuality: General Resources section of chapter 14.

Meanwhile, here are some key points to safe vaginal fisting:

• Always use latex or nonlatex gloves.

• Fisting is something that requires a slow buildup, much patience, and lots of lubricant.

• The person doing the fisting needs to be able to keep a steady and consistent movement of the hand that will be going into the vagina. They need another hand free to add lube at regular intervals and to provide clitoral stimulation, if desired. If the person doing the fisting only has one hand available, the person receiving can stimulate herself and can also provide the lubricant.

• Start by inserting one finger at a time. Your palm should be facing your

172 • THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEX AND DISABILITY

partner's belly. Don't rush this. Go slow and tease until you have four fingers sliding comfortably in and out of your partner's vagina. Remember to add lube to both your gloved hand and your partner while you are playing.

• While you are working up to four fingers your partner can experiment with "bearing down" on her vaginal muscles, which will open her up a bit more and draw your fingers deeper into her. She may also want to try to synchronize her breathing with your motions.

• It is a good idea to use a variety of movements with your hand, moving in and out, including some twisting motions.

• To get your entire hand in your partner's vagina you need to tuck your thumb across your palm and squeeze your fingers together (you're trying to make your hand as narrow as possible). Some fisters refer to this hand position as the "duck" because you are making your hand look a little like a duck's bill.

• Knuckles are the point of greatest resistance. As always, let your partner guide you here, and wait until she's ready for the final push.

• Once your hand is completely inside her, curl your fingers up to make a fist.

Dildos

Dildos provide all the same possibilities and feelings as penetration with a penis, with the obvious advantage of being able to pick whatever size, shape, and color you like. Your partner might manipulate the dildo with their hands, or they may want to wear a strap-on harness that will allow them "no hands" penetration.

My girlfriend has CP and isn't able to spread her legs easily or for very long. I have MD and am not able to hold myself on my knees for very long so I can't do it the doggie-style like other guys can. How we get around it is by using a dildo — and my girlfriend loves it when we use her dildo. She is able to stay on her knees and I get in behind her and play with her clit until she is really wet. Then we use the dildo. She says it feels like a penis...I like to think it's mine

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