The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (25 page)

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Finally, you have to get the courage to actually buy a sex toy (you can take books from a library and rent videos, but no one rents sex toys). In a big city you will probably be able to find a store where the workers are positive about sex and the customers they serve. If you pick a store at random, or if you live in a smaller town, you may end up with staff who are bored and not very knowledgeable. As always, access is likely to be an issue. Luckily many excellent companies offer paper catalogs through the mail, and online catalogs are readily available on the Internet (for names and addresses see chapter 14).

Once you have the toy, you can use it. Most people will try out their sex toy by themselves, without a partner. The freedom from having to focus on a partner gives you the opportunity to concentrate on yourself. Focusing on yourself and, with luck, having a little more time to explore gives you the opportunity to discover the more subtle aspects of your sexual response, such as the small areas that drive you wild and little movements that get you over the top. You may also discover what you aren't comfortable with. This too furthers self-understanding.

Sex toys are also reminders of the diversity of sexual expression and are also potential levelers, as they offer the same services to anyone who uses them.

Other Reasons to Try Sex Toys

Trying something new is another reason to consider a sex toy. We may already be completely satisfied with our sexual activities alone and with partners. Trying new things is often thought to be kinky, or dangerous. But if you really like a particular kind of food, say cheese, you will want to try different kinds of cheeses, to broaden your tastes and horizons. When it comes to sex, if you are happy with what you've got, is it considered wrong to check out other options? Wanting to experiment with sex toys may be just for the interest of experimenting.

For many people a vibrator is the first (and the easiest) way to experience an orgasm. Nothing moves like a vibrator—no hand, no penis, no elbow, nothing. Many women can have an orgasm from other kinds of stimulation once they have learned to have an orgasm from a vibrator.

Each man will respond to different intensities of stimulation. A vibrator can broaden the experience of being stimulated erotically. For some men a vibrator will be strong enough stimulation to have an orgasm.

We know that the more times a woman experiences a sexual response the more reliable her response becomes. Climaxes bring more climaxes. For men a similar situation exists in terms of understanding and control of response. The more a man can play with himself sexually, be playful and mindful of what gives him pleasure, the greater understanding and sensitivity he can have in terms of his actual response (that is, excitement leading to climax) as well as the limitless ways he can feel pleasure. In all of this we're not just talking about orgasms. It may be that a climax for you is something other than an orgasm you experienced before, or the orgasms you think you should be having. Sex toys can open you up to your potential and help you find your own sexual climax.

What Are Sex Toys?

/ have this feather duster that I bought in Chinatown. I brush it lightly over my breasts and belly. Most of the time it drives me wild, but sometimes it just tickles, I don't know why.

I keep looking for the perfect dildo, not too long or too short, not too fat or too skinny firm but not hard, attractive to look at. I haven't found this all in one sex toy yet, but I'm still looking. I think I'll start taking measurements with me when I go shopping. At the store I get turned on looking at dildos that are bigger that what I actually want. I think they look perfect but then when I go home and try it it just isn't right.

My best thing for sex is a hose that attaches to my bathtub faucet. It came with a shower head kind of thing but I threw that out. I love feeling the pressure of the water on my clit.

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Two old terms for sex toys that we emphatically don't use are sexual aids and marital aids. You don't need to be married to want to use sex toys (to which the three of us say, thank goodness!). The term aid implies that the toy is a replacement or an assistive device, which it isn't. Assistive devices are created by people who know what they're doing, and often a lot of thought is put into them. Unfortunately, sex toys are usually made by people who haven't thought very much about how they will be used. The majority of them are mass manufactured and have never been tested at all. Sex toys may function as assistive devices, but they haven't been thoughtfully designed as such. For this reason we don't like the term sexual aid. It's important to be realistic about the limitations of the products.

The best parallel we've come up with is that a sex toy is like a child's teddy bear. A teddy can provide great comfort, a sense of security, warmth, and can even be sort of sexy to sleep with. But it isn't a replacement for being tucked in by parents, or being hugged or kissed goodnight, or playing with friends. It provides something entirely different. Sex toys aren't meant to be replacements for interpersonal relationships, nor do they make you never want to have sex with other people. They provide something completely different; they are just toys for adults.

A towel can be a sex toy. A paintbrush might be a sex toy. Or a store-bought vibrator, erotic movie, or smutty book can be a sex toy.

Imagination and our ability to fantasize is the most diverse, multipurpose sex toy there is—and it's free. You'll never find a premade sex toy that will be as interesting as what you can create in your mind. Sex toys are animated not by incredible design, but really by our imaginations (plus sometimes a couple of AA batteries!).

Beyond the gift of fantasy, though, you have at your command a number of basic kinds of sex toys. The rest of this chapter is divided into a discussion of each of these kinds of toys, ways to use them and adapt them to your needs. Following the description of each sex toy we have included a very rough estimate of its cost (in U.S. dollars).

192 • THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEX AND DISABILITY

Vibrators

Masturbation is very important to me. It used to be a lot easier. I could cum by fucking my urinal. As I've gotten a lot older it is much more difficult to masturbate. About a year and a half ago I found a vibrator I can use. It is very strong; I'm not very gentle on things and I tend to break everything. It is electric so there are no batteries to worry about. It has an on/off switch that is strong enough for me to use. The switch is fairly large and not stiff. The vibrating head is very big, therefore, if I can get it close to the right spot, that's close enough. Setting up is a nonissue for me as I employ my own attendants. I know that it wouldn't be possible in all the other services I've had in the past.

Vibrators are probably the best known of all sex toys. They can be separated into two main categories: electric (or plug-in) models, and battery-powered models.

Electric Vibrators

You can find electric vibrators in big department stores near the hair dryers. They are packaged as "massagers" and the boxes feature pictures of people using the massager almost everywhere above the waist. There is never an indication that the "massager" can be used below the waist or for anything other than muscle relaxation. These are the same massagers often used in rehab clinics for all kinds of physical therapy work. The secret that the manufacturers and rehab professionals don't mention is that they can feel great and are perfectly safe on all parts of our bodies. Electric vibrators are the best quality vibrators available. They usually come with warranties and are made by large, relatively reputable companies. They also provide much stronger vibrations than most battery-operated models. The drawbacks to electric vibrators are that they are larger, heavier, and more unwieldy than other toys. They tend to be more expensive and often are only for external stimulation and cannot be used for penetration (though now a few companies are making attachments for electric vibrators that you can use for penetration).

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Electric vibrators come in two kinds: coil vibrators and wand vibrators. The coil electric vibrator is almost silent when it is on because it doesn't have a motor that whirrs. Instead the vibration is created by an electromagnetic coil inside the case of the vibrator. These vibrators usually come with a variety of attachments. Coil vibrators have a more pointed vibration, and though they are not as strong as the vibrations that come from wand type vibrators they may feel more intense. Because of their smaller size and shape, coil vibrators are most effective when they can be held with one (or two) hands. Another limitation with this design is that the attachments tend to be small, offering a smaller vibrating surface, which may make it difficult to get it exactly where you want it and keep it there.

The more popular and common model of electric vibrator is the wand massager. These vibrators are usually ten to twelve inches in length with a large head that vibrates. They make more noise but are stronger and have the benefit of a larger vibrating surface. Because of this they are usually more adaptable, as they can fit between two people or rest beside one person, and still "hit" the right spot. Some wand vibrators have a curved handle, which makes them easier to reach with. Wand style vibrators usually have two speeds. Some need to be plugged in each time, while others are rechargeable and come with an adapter to do this. The benefit of the rechargeable vibrators is that you don't need to be near a plug to use it. The drawback is that the charge may run out at the worst possible time! Electric vibrators range in price anywhere from $40 to $200.

Battery-Powered Vibrators

The more common type of vibrator for use as a sex toy is the battery-powered model. They provide a gentler vibration than electric vibrators. The benefits of battery-powered vibrators are that they are quieter, lighter weight, and less expensive, plus they come in a much wider range of shapes, sizes, and colors. The drawback is that they are usually of poorer quality and don't last nearly as long as electric models. A few differences exist among battery-powered vibrators: material, quality of motor, and shape/size/color.

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THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

WHEN CHOOSING A

VIBRATOR

Hard plastic vibrators usually provide stronger stimulation than the soft ones and are easier to clean. But they tend to be louder, and can crack if dropped. Hard plastic toys sometimes have seams that must be filed down before use. A lot of people prefer hard plastic toys just for external stimulation and use soft rubber vibrators for penetration.

Soft rubber toys are quieter than the hard ones and usually have milder vibration. Most people find them more comfortable for penetration play. They are also more durable as they are unlikely to crack if dropped. A major drawback with soft rubber toys is that they are more difficult to get clean and keep clean because the material is usually porous. Sometimes the material will break down before the motor does. One kind of soft rubber well talk more about later is called silicone rubber. Silicone is a much cleaner, durable form of rubber that will last longer. Silicone also has the benefit of transmitting vibrations very well, thus toys made from silicone tend to feel stronger.

Another practical difference among battery-powered vibrators is the quality of the motor. Most vibrators are made with very cheap Chinese motors that burn out easily. Some toys are made with higher quality Japanese motors. These are more expensive, but last longer and feel

Do you want something for just external stimulation, something for penetration, or both?

If you're looking for something for penetration, do you want something you can use vaginally or anally, or both? What about shape, size, color? Do you want something that looks and feels like a cock, or something completely nonrepresentational? Some vibrators you hold on to, and others you can strap to your body. Which would you prefer?

What material do you want? How much do you want to spend? We suggest starting with less expensive vibrators if it's your first time, but less expensive usually means it won't last as long.

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better. Often the only way to know what kind of motor is in a toy is to ask. Sometimes staff won't know the answer. We recommend only buying toys from companies that can provide you with answers to questions like these. If you are in a store, you can ask to see the package and check where the toy is made.

Battery-powered toys vary widely in price. An inexpensive battery-powered vibrator can be $9 and a silicone toy with a Japanese motor can be as much as $150.

Dildos

A dildo is a toy that doesn't vibrate and is designed mainly for penetration. Depending on the shape, a dildo may be safe for vaginal penetration, anal