The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (29 page)

Two major considerations when choosing a toy that will be accessible to you is the noise and the cleaning of the toy. Both wand style electric vibrators and hard plastic battery-powered vibrators can be very loud. This could be an issue if you are living with people and you don't

want them knowing exactly what you are doing. You might be able to use other sounds, like music, to hide the sound of the vibrator, but if you don't have a lock on your door, someone may still come in to ask you to turn down the music, which would be a surprise for all involved. If you are concerned about noise then choosing a coil type electric vibrator, or a soft rubber vibrator, would be a better bet. If you are shopping in person ask to hear what the toy sounds like when it's turned on, or if you won't be able to hear the difference ask the salesperson for a quieter toy. If you are shopping online, email the store and ask them to recommend some quieter toys.

The second major consideration is the ease with which you can clean the toy. If it's possible, cleaning your own sex toys will obviously give you more privacy. Some toys are easier to clean than others. For example, battery-powered vibrators that are waterproof can be fully immersed in water and cleaned while you are bathing or taking a shower. A nonwaterproof vibrator is more difficult to clean because if you get any water near the cap it will probably damage it. If you can get a condom onto a toy it will extend its life and make cleanup easier. Some cylindrical toys for men are hollow all the way through and very easy to clean just by running a wet cloth through the toy a few times. Others have one end open but the other closed. These are harder to get completely clean as you need to get a cloth in the end of the tube somehow.

Allergies, Multiple-Chemical Sensitivities, Reduced Immune System

Consider any allergies, chemical sensitivities, or reduced immune system issues when choosing a sex toy. Latex allergy is fairly common, and latex is found in most condoms and gloves as well as many dildos, vibrators, and sensation toys. Never assume a toy is latex free. While a lot of mass-manufactured dildos are not made from latex, they are often poured into molds that have come into contact with latex, in factories where latex is being used. People with serious latex allergies need to be careful about

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this as retail stores will rarely know exactly where a toy came from. The one exception to this is silicone dildos. Most of the silicone manufacturers work only with silicone rubber and thus can guarantee no latex in their products. Apparently some manufacturers do use latex in their molds, so again it's always best to ask.

If you have a latex allergy, there are alternatives for both toys and safer sex gear. There are now three kinds of nonlatex male condoms and one nonlatex female condom being manufactured. All these products are made from polyurethane, and while they come with their own limitations (they cost about $2 per condom) they offer options for people with severe latex allergies. For more specific information on these products see chapter 12 on safer sex. Most of us don't have sex with kiwi fruit, but if you are latex allergic you shouldn't eat them either, as they are in the same family as the trees that make latex.

Lubricants, creams, and oils, as we've noted above, can have many ingredients, some of which may cause an allergic reaction or direct chemical irritation. People who work in sex toy stores don't usually know much about the details of the products they carry. If ingredients aren't listed on a product, and you really want to buy it, you may be able to write to the manufacturer and possibly get a reply. Or if your allergies aren't life threatening, you can try rubbing a small amount of the product onto your inner arm and see if a rash develops over the next few hours.

Unfortunately, more and more toys designed for penetration (whether they vibrate or not) are being made with a scented rubber. Manufacturers are doing this to hide the unpleasant smell of the less expensive rubbers they use. But the scent is sometime strong and can induce a reaction. Again, when buying toys, it's best to ask whether the toy is scented. If the salesperson doesn't know, insist on being able to open the package and smell the toy before you buy it. Also, some people will react to the dyes in toys for penetration. If you don't have a latex allergy the easiest way to deal with all these concerns is to use condoms on all your sex toys.

Anyone who is immunocompromised (immune suppressed, reduced immunity) should be very careful about cleaning sex toys. You

may want to consider buying smaller amounts of lube or creams so that they are used up quickly and don't have time to grow germs in them.

Safer Sex with Sex Toys

In chapter 12 you will find a longer discussion of safer sex in general. But for now, the basic facts to know about safer sex with sex toys are much like the basic facts about safer sex itself. Many sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can be carried by sex toys, even those that have been washed with soap and water.

You can get an STI from using a toy used by someone else with an STI, even if it was cleaned in between. If you have an STI you can reinfect yourself with a sex toy. We recommend always using condoms if you are going to share toys with someone else, or if you have an infection you are trying to get rid of. Other bacteria can also live on toys, so it is not safe to use a toy anally and then use it vaginally, unless you use a condom and change the condom in between. Condoms will also increase the life span of less expensive rubber toys. The one exception to these rules is toys made from silicone. Because silicone can be boiled, you can safely use these toys both anally and vaginally, and share them, as long as you boil them in between uses. You need to be realistic about your time for cleaning toys. If boiling your dildo is not going to be convenient, you need to use (and change) condoms when moving a toy from anus to vagina.

Monitoring Your Own Body Responses

Safer sex with toys involves having an awareness of body responses and making sure that sex toys don't cause problems you may not have considered. Sensation toys are a good example. Playing with a flogger or whip may open up a range of body responses you hadn't considered before. If you are unable to tell (or visually check) that your skin is okay (for example, not being broken), being flogged may be risky Some lubricants and creams will increase the chance of yeast infection and urinary

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tract infections. Having a way of checking yourself out is an important part of safer sex.

Autonomic dysreflexia (AD) can be triggered by using a vibrator. Knowing about AD and having a plan to address it if it happens is crucial. See chapter 12 for a more detailed explanation and discussion of AD.

Where to Buy Sex Toys

You can select sex toys in stores, by mail order through a great many catalog companies, and on a huge number of sites on the Internet.

Stores

Whenever possible it's best to buy products in person. It is easier to find accessible stores that carry adult books and videos than toys. Most mainstream bookstores have an erotica section, and even the big chains are carrying some pretty smutty titles. While the big video stores usually don't carry porn, many independent video stores have an adult section, and some will be accessible.

Mail Order

There are a few big mail-order companies in the United States that will send you a paper catalog, letting you ponder your choices and then make your purchases through the mail. These companies tend to have a lot of toys and videos, but few books. We recommend only dealing with companies that have active 800 (toll-free) telephone numbers that offer customer service on the phone. Many of these companies will charge for their catalog but offer you the money back toward your first purchase. Before you do place an order the first time, we recommend that you call with a few questions. Judge what their service is like from their responses. Do you feel like they are rushing you off the phone? Does everything they say sound like a sales pitch? If you can't think of anything specific to ask, inquire about their return policy. If something breaks what can you do? Who pays for shipping a broken toy back to the company? As far as we know there aren't any mail-order companies that

have TTY/TDD phone lines available. But again, using a relay service and gauging the company's responsiveness can give you some idea about how supportive they are of all their customers. Chapter 14 lists some recommended companies.

Online

The Internet has proven to be a great boon for sex toy shoppers. It is an easy way to compare prices, check out a company's customer service, and get very specific information, all with zero travel (if you have a computer at home) and without spending any money up front. Hundreds of online companies will be happy to sell you sex toys, books, and videos. In the United States there are also websites that let you rent porn (they mail you the videotape or DVD and you mail it back to them). As with the paper catalogs we recommend that you check out a company before making a purchase. First, visit their site and have a good search around. Then email them a question or two. Based on how quickly they respond, and what their response is, you will probably get an idea of the sort of company they are. Only a few sites offer specific information related to disability, but those that don't may still have information and resources if you ask. The Sexuality: Products section of chapter 14 lists the sites we think are the best.

the mind exclusively toward an object and sustain that direction without any distractions." Patanjali went farther than this, directing us "beyond the mind" to a deeper, more essential being. He saw the mind as an instrument that is used by the self. The Yoga Sutras are not about postures. Rather, the postures exist to bring our bodies to a point where we can comfortably focus our minds.

Adaptable Yoga

So, what does this have to do with disability, and what does it have to do with sex? One form of yoga is particularly well suited for people with disabilities. Developed by T. Krishnamacharya in the early 1900s, with the tradition carried on by his son T. K. V. Desikachar and grandson Kausthub Desikachar, it focuses on individual teaching tailored for each student. This type of yoga has been referred to as Viniyoga, which means "adaptable" in Sanskrit. (See chapter 14 for information on teachers and workshops). Therefore it does not assume that only one posture works for one type of person. Rather, the needs of each student are taken into consideration. The relationship that develops between teacher and student is of central importance. Each individual develops according to what they need and what they can do. Yoga can help us find the strength and clarity we need to deal with our hectic lives.

In this type of yoga, the assumption is that everyone needs adaptations, and a large part of the teacher's job is figuring out those changes for each student.

Just finding a yoga teacher and getting started is an important part of the process. To begin, we must want to have a relationship with the teacher. For those of us who are shy or who have never sought out a relationship with someone else, this is a step that takes courage and that makes us stronger. We learn as we do this that we don't have to wait for relationships to come to us—that we can go out and find them, negotiate what we need, and be part of a team.

In this form of yoga, much of the movement is felt internally as the body stretches and moves with breathing. Although the postures are

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important in improving flexibility and increasing strength, their main purpose is in drawing the mind's attention to the body and its possibilities. Viniyoga can be practiced by anyone with any disability as long as they have a teacher who is knowledgeable. It can lead to increased clarity of thought, energy, and control of pain. Desikachar stressed the need to move beyond the mind to the heart, bringing yoga firmly into the realm of community and relationships. In addition to this emphasis, Viniyoga has an impact on sexuality as people practicing it gain an increased understanding of their own body and its capabilities. Improved feelings of self-control can lead to increased abilities, to better know what one wants and to act upon this knowledge.

Healing is an aspect of yoga. Healing is all the processes within our bodies that work to make us healthier. Healing is happening all the time, as little scratches disappear, or as our saliva keeps our throats moist. Yoga doesn't cure disease, but it can help the body improve healing, through a complex interaction of a trusting relationship with the teacher, breathing exercises, and postures.

Yoga and Sex

Breathing is central to Viniyoga. Breathing is also central to sex. The state of calm that is induced by a yoga breathing practice that focuses on exhalation can lead to a decrease in anxiety about sexual performance and an openness to the experience. A practice that focuses on inhalation increases energy and awareness. People who experience difficulties during sex, whether related to previous negative experience or related to disability, can learn ways of breathing that will help them overcome obstacles to having enjoyable sex.

Yoga also gives us a strong sense that we change and learn with practice. Just reading about something is usually not enough. Reading this book will not give you a great sex life, but it will give you ideas of things you can practice to improve your sex life. Some of these things are physical—you can practice kissing or practice pleasuring yourself—but you can also practice different attitudes.

Chanting is not a requirement of yoga, but it is a good way to focus the breath and also focus the mind. Chants do not have to be in Sanskrit or English; in fact they do not have to be in any language at all. You can use words or sounds that are meaningful, perhaps connected to your religion, or just meaningless sounds. Chants can be designed to slowly increase the length of exhalation, leading to pain control, relaxation, and a feeling of calm focus, all of which can also enhance sexuality. Or they can be designed to increase the inhalation, which can be energizing.