The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (32 page)

the trigger and help her through the flashback. So, even if the sub doesn't know about the trigger, it's important to tell the Domme that she has PTSD, what signs to look for that she is beginning to be triggered, and what kinds of things help in dealing with flashbacks. It helps that I also have PTSD and therefore have some personal experience in dealing with flashbacks, but that's not required. What is required is careful attention, communication, and lots of aftercare.

A Note About Pain

Most people think of pain and S/M as being the same thing. Because of this, some people involved in S/M don't use the word pain, but instead talk about "producing sensations." They also say that pain experienced in S/M play is different because it is chosen. S/M is not about inflicting pain in an aggressive or angry way, or about receiving pain and having to endure it. Pain that you don't agree to, or that happens to you without planning (like having a bad spasm, or chronic back pain, or falling down and hitting your head), is a sensation you don't want, you didn't ask for, and you wish would go away.

Consensual pain is something you do ask for. When you ask someone to spank you, it is a completely different experience than when a doctor sticks you with a needle. You might describe what you feel as pain, or you might experience it as a tingle or a heightened sensation.

Many of us live with pain, inflicted on us by our bodies, our doctors, our illnesses. S/M can be a way to change our relationship to the pain we experience in our daily lives.

One man who did a lot of thinking, talking, and writing about this was Bob Flanagan (see sidebar). When he died he was one of the oldest living people with cystic fibrosis. Bob credited his long life to his involvement with S/M play. He believed that by causing pain to himself, he developed a different relationship to pain. It wasn't that he never again felt pain, or got frustrated, or scared, or despairing. But he believed that taking time out to make other kinds of pain fun, as well as learning that

SIM • 243

3BK«

BOB FLANAGAN

Writer, educator, and performance artist Bob Flanagan did much of his life's work in finding links between his experience of living with cystic fibrosis and the masochism that he saw as being at the center of his sexuality. He was an extreme masochist and spent many years in a master-slave relationship with his partner, Sheree Rose. Flanagan's life and death has been chronicled in an excellent documentary called Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan. He identified as a person with a disability and as a person in the S/M community, contributing to both communities throughout his. life and finding both influences equally powerful in his artistic work. He drew a parallel in his own life between his disability and his sexual identities. He once wrote, "I was forced to be in the medical world, so I turned that into something I could have control over instead of something that was controlling me."

Having to spend a lot of time in profound pain both in hospital and at home, Flanagan learned early on that masturbating was one of the few things that would make the pain subside, at least a little. He also noted that when he was sick and in pain he got more attention. On some level, he began to equate pain with love, and thus began his journey of personal masochism. One of his works was a toy chest that was decorated with pictures from medical and S/M sources (a doctor with gloved hands and a face mask, a pair of handcuffs, a little whip). He filled the chest with children's toys that all have double meanings. On the lid he inscribed the following text:

"Mine is the bittersweet tale of a sick little boy who found solace in his penis at a time when all else conspired to snuff him out, or, at the very least, fill his miserably short life span with more than its share of pain, discomfort and humiliation. The penis seemed to thrive on whatever shit the rest of the body was subjected to and rose to the occasion of each onslaught, soaking it up like a sponge, or, to be more succinct, the corpus spongiosum became full of itself and my stupid prick danced in the spotlight of sickness and suffering. That first swat on the ass from the obstetrician's skilled hands not only started my diseased lungs sputtering to life, but it also sent a shock wave through my sphincter, up my tiny rectum, and straight into the shaft of my shiny new penis, which ever since then has had this crazy idea in its head that pain and

the

J

he could control many sorts of painful experiences, gave him the energy and enthusiasm to endure a very difficult disease. It was also empowering for him to take something that seemed to be so much in the hands of others (doctors, caregivers, family) and make it his own by asserting control over the outcome.

Kinds of S/M Play

S/M play can take many forms. While a lot of people consider it something marginal or strange, in reality most of us incorporate some aspects of S/M play into our sex lives. If you've had a fantasy about being the head of a large corporation and seducing your secretary, or get turned on by the idea of being ravished by some sexy stranger, you're having S/M fantasies. If you've ever tied up a lover with scarves or smacked your partner's ass with your hand, you've had some kind of S/M sex. S/M has become somewhat trendy over the past couple of years (this trend began with Madonna's Sex book, which contained many S/M images). This has also meant that S/M has come to be associated with having plenty of money (for all those shiny cat suits) and somehow being a very experienced or very serious "player." In fact, because S/M is all about the willing exchange of power, and we all have some power to exchange, you don't need anything other than your desire and a creative, open mind to start exploring S/M play.

Sensory Control

S/M play helps us explore our senses through restriction and addition. We can restrict our senses by covering our eyes with a blindfold, our ears with headphones, or various parts of the body with clothing. You can also add sensations or change a familiar sensation. If your partner relies on sight, having them blindfolded and then adding sensation can take them to a heightened state of awareness. Many people respond to sensory control more mentally than physically. Losing a sense completely (but knowing it can be returned at a moment's notice) can be unsettling and a bit scary, but it allows you to tune into other things going on both in your body and in the room around you.

SIM • 245

/ like to make my boyfriend put a blindfold on and have a bag of different toys I can use to touch him with. I'll use my reacher, a rubber glove, a toothbrush. Each time I change it and he never knows what's next. Depending on how I do it I can make him cackle with excitement about what's next, or be completely afraid.

Fantasy Role-Playing

Giving yourself permission to construct fantasy roles can be freeing, allowing you to put your usual self and responses aside and act in ways that might seem unlike "you." Role-playing can also be gender play (discussed in chapter 6), and allows you to explore the parts of you that are different from the gender you identify with in your daily life.

Fantasies involving discipline are probably the most common in S/M play. Many scenes will revolve around the bottom's being required to do something, and when they are unable to do it the top inflicts some sort of discipline, from mild to severe. Discipline may take the form of physical touching such as slapping, spanking, whipping, or tickling. Some people also play with verbal communication, where the discipline is yelling, whispered threats, or humiliation. With experience, discipline can be in the form of merely a look or a clucking of the tongue that indicates the greater punishment to come.

Many scenes involve fantasy roles. Sometimes these are very elaborate (say, an elevator repairperson working at Wal-Mart who has always dreamed of moving up in the company) and sometimes they are as basic as dominant and submissive, master and slave.

Restrictions on Movement

Also called bondage, restricting a partner's ability to move in any way can be a powerful part of a scene. Whether you're tied to a bed, your hands are bound with fleece restraints, or you are suspended from the ceiling, bondage can be an exciting way to explore S/M. It may be the thrill of feeling as if your bottom is at your mercy. It may be the excitement of thinking of all the things you can do while they are restrained.

For bottoms, being able to control the kind of restraint and how long it will last and then to let go and allow yourself to be completely "helpless" can be both a turn-on and very freeing.

When using bondage the bottom is particularly vulnerable, as people cannot usually get out of restraints without assistance. For this reason you should always have firm trust and communication established before including bondage in your play.

Bondage doesn't require any special equipment—it can be all psychological. It is bondage when you tell someone they can't move, or when they can move. When we restrict movement, our sensations may be heightened. Even small movements may then be noticed more, or experienced differently. We may also sense the bound part of our body differently once it is released.

Restricted movement that we choose is very different from restricted movement that is not chosen. When we talk about S/M in workshops we've done, some people (usually nondisabled people who have not tried S/M play) question why someone who experiences paralysis would ever want to further restrict how they get around. In our experience, many people who have limited mobility and engage in S/M describe a sense of power they get from being in control of such restrictions. The bottom is in complete control. Choosing to be restrained, and getting sexual pleasure from it, and then being able to choose exactly when the restraints come off, can not only offer an incredible feeling of empowerment but provide an opportunity to change the way we experience the idea of restraint.

Flagellation

Any kind of percussive hitting of someone goes by the general term flagellation. Spanking with an open hand or hair brush, whipping with shoe laces or a leather flogger (called flogging), using a rattan cane on someone's bare bottom (called caning) —all are types of flagellation. Because flagellation has ties to religious traditions, this activity holds a great deal of mystique and power for some, and is often considered offensive by those who have never tried it.

SIM • 247

When I ask for a series of slaps or several lashes with a whip, I feel excited and afraid. I think, "How hard will this be?" "How will I feel?" But the fear is like people have described being on a roller coaster. My heart pounds, my breathing gets fast, but it's play fear. I can get really scared about what is conning next, but I know nothing bad is going to happen to me.

Endorphins are chemicals that are similar to morphine that are made by the body in response to pain. Flagellation can cause an increase of endorphins, leading to a feeling of euphoria. In addition, applying pain to one part of the body distracts the brain from other sources of pain, so flagellation can actually be a form of pain relief.

Being on the giving end of a scene involving flagellation can be a heady experience for anyone who has never felt in control, who has always been "done to" by others. Knowing that you are meting out punishment as you see fit, and that the punishment may take a while, or may be over quickly, are all things that you can control. It can give a sense of power in a safe context. It's also a great opportunity to tease and taunt your bottom, making them wait for the next hit. You can mix up the intensity of the sensations, giving both their mind and body a progressively heavier set of sensations.

Flogging can be done effectively with minimal physical effort. See the Positions for S/M Play section at the end of this chapter for ideas on adapting flogging to your energy and needs.

Self-monitoring and knowing what is safe is important. If you won't be able to know when to stop, either because you can't see what is being done or you can't feel all the effects on your body, your partner must take responsibility for safety and provide you with feedback about how your body is doing.

Psychological Play

While all aspects of S/M play bear a psychological component, for some people a scene may be entirely about the minds of the top and bottom. Psychological bondage, for example, could mean that a bottom is not allowed to move from a position until the top gives permission. It might

mean that a bottom is required to make uninterrupted eye contact with the top, again until released from doing so by the top. No actual tying up is required. Like some aspects of Tantric sex discussed in chapter 10, S/M play does not require that your body do any one specific thing. In many cases it doesn't require the body at all.

Verbal Play

Another play possibility is talking. It may be that you have specific words that either drive you around the bend or can be used to frustrate you, or you have words that will take you to the heights of ecstasy. While keeping some form of communication going during a scene is crucial for safety, adding an element of talking can be good. What you say will usually be dictated by the roles you both are playing. You might be the understanding teacher, offering soothing compliments to a student who was picked on in the playground. Or you might be the angry cop, yelling at a driver who went through another red light. If you like to talk, or your partner does, think about what words turn you on, or press your buttons. Sometimes talking about this kind of thing can be embarrassing and feel very revealing. If you don't want to talk about this beforehand, once you've established what you're going to do in a scene, you can write down or type out for your partner the kinds of things you like to hear. This has the added benefit of your partner's being able to surprise you unexpectedly with some of what you've told them about.

Where to Start

The place to begin is desire. Start thinking outside the normal confines of what is sexual and what is sexual behavior. Scan your memory for things that you associate with some sort of sexual excitement (maybe a sexy movie you saw when you were too young to consciously put it together, maybe a teacher or family friend, or a second cousin whom you had a childhood crush on). Remember that there are no taboos in your fantasy life. Let your mind go wherever it wants. You may choose