The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (23 page)

inside of her. I can slide the dildo in and out and rub her clit at the same time. She says she comes really hard and fast when I use the dildo and stimulate her inner lips and clit.

For a more detailed discussion of dildos see chapter 9.

Penises

As we've suggested, penis-in-vagina intercourse is usually viewed as the only "real" kind of sex. Because of this incorrect belief, we've spent a lot of time discussing the many other things you can do sexually, activities that don't get talked about as much. But we don't want to put down this kind of sex either. Penetrating your partner with your penis (or being on the receiving end of it) is a very intimate experience, as it allows for a lot of physical contact and touch and thus can feel absolutely wonderful. People who haven't tried penetrative sex sometimes wonder how a penis gets into a vagina. Most of the time either the man or the woman guides it in with their hand. Many people think that to experience this they need to be able to get full erections at a moment's notice. This isn't true.

Sometimes HI just put my penis inside her even though I don't have a hard-on. It's not like it feels the same but it lets us get very close and we can just rock back and forth and sometimes that will get me turned on enough that I get a hard-on. Even if that doesn't happen, it feels good.

One of the oldest techniques for penetration without an erection is called stuffing. With stuffing a man can tuck his penis into his partner's vagina without an erection. By moving her hips and using her PC muscle the woman can create a sort of pulling and sucking experience inside her vagina. At the same time, the man's body moving against the woman can provide clitoral stimulation. This technique is easiest with the man on top and his partner's legs drawn up to her chest.

Other options for penile-vaginal intercourse with a man who isn't getting erections involve medications, pumps, or injections. If you are interested in exploring these options/you can start by asking your reg-

ular doctor (if you think they will be a safe person to ask) for information and, possibly, a referral to a urologist. If you've tried stuffing but want to further explore vaginal penetration without surgery or drugs, try playing with harnesses and dildos. There are two kinds of strap-on toys for men to wear. One kind is a hollow dildo that fits over your penis and straps around your waist. The second, which we prefer, is a harness that leaves your penis exposed and places the dildo just slightly above your penis. The benefit of this kind of harness is that your genitals are still exposed and if you have sensation they can be stimulated (either by you or your partner). Chapter 9 offers more details about these toys.

Penetration follows no technical rules. Start with a sense of what turns you on and how you like to be stimulated—where would you like to go from there? The most important thing to remember is that penetration, while it might be the focus of the action, doesn't have to be the sole thing happening. Stimulating other parts of your own and your partner's body while having intercourse will only add to the enjoyment. Below we suggest a number of positions.

Anal Sex

Many people already think of the ass as a sexy part of the body, but that usually is restricted to checking each other out, maybe a little bit of rubbing, fondling, or a slap here and there between lovers. There is an old and deep taboo against anal sex. But the ass—the anus, the anal canal, and the rectum—can be a source of deep pleasure. People lacking sensation around the penis/scrotum or vulva area can often experience strong sensation around the anus.

Anal sex doesn't necessarily mean penetration. For the vast majority of people who try it, anal sex doesn't involve anything more than external stimulation and possibly finger penetration. In chapter 7 we offer specific information about oral/anal contact. If you are interested in more information, the Sexuality: General Resources section of chapter 14 cites three excellent books devoted to anal play: Anal Pleasure and Health

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by Jack Morin, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino, and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men by Bill Brent. Start by getting to know your anus. The opening of the anus contains the highest concentration of nerve endings. The anus responds to feelings of fullness or pressure, and many people like the feeling of fingers, dildos, and penises in their anus. When a man is penetrated anally, pressure is put on the prostate gland (see illustration in chapter 3), which some men find highly pleasurable. Some women too describe intense feelings and even experience orgasm from being penetrated anally. While there is no scientific proof of this, some sex educators believe that when a woman is penetrated anally, pressure from the diido or penis is put on her G-spot and this pressure is what is pleasuring her. It is also possible that the internal clitoral body is being stimulated.

When I am tired and in pain but still feel like having sex, I like to lie on my stomach with pillows under my hips. This way I can still reach my clit with my good hand while my lover stimulates my anus. I make sure rubber gloves are used, with lots of lubricant. I love to feel the pressure of my body against the pillow with my hand between my legs. I like to take my time working on my fantasy while my lover whispers in my ear...it makes the fantasy even more real. When I'm really hot and wet my lover will slowly rub my asshole. He listens to my breathing...when it gets faster, he rubs a little harder and faster. Sometimes I try not to focus on one sensation but let it all run together until I come. Some of my orgasms have been total body releases, which often relieves the pain for a while.

Start slow, and take the time to explore. Pay attention to what feels good and what doesn't. If you start to experience negative feelings or if anything is painful or uncomfortable, stop what you are doing for a while. Just breathe and relax and then start again if you feel like it. Pain is a signal that helps protect you from injury. You should avoid experimenting with anal play if you are drunk or taking recreational drugs that may dull your senses. Anal sex does not have to hurt, and if it hurts

you're doing it wrong. If you don't have anal sensation, then you will need to be particularly careful. In that case, in addition to using lots of extra lubricant, you may want to keep to smaller things for anal penetration.

Be creative and open your mind to all the possibilities of anal play. Some of them might involve playing with fingers or other body parts or objects, pulling open the buttocks (thereby stretching the anal opening), and penetration with fingers, toys, or penis. You can also take advantage of the fact that this is a taboo area for many of us. Anal play can inspire all sorts of rebellious or over-the-edge mental fantasies as well as verbal or nonverbal communication during the play itself.

Anal penetration can stimulate a bowel movement, especially for someone with little bowel control. So timing a bowel movement a few hours (or less) before this activity is a good idea.

The lining of the anus is very sensitive to damage so special precautions should be taken. Anything near or in the anus should be smooth and free of jagged edges. Using gloves is the easiest way to keep safe and clean. Otherwise be sure to cut your fingernails short, and round the edges with an emery board. If you are using dildos be sure to only use ones with a flared base. The rectum can create a vacuum effect and anything that slips out of your grasp may not be easily retrievable. Lubricant is essential for anal penetration as the anus does not produce its own lubrication.

Finally, keep clean. Do not put anything in the vagina that has been in the anus—bacteria that live quite happily in the anus can create serious problems in the vagina. If you are moving from the anus to the vagina, use a new condom on penis or toys and a new glove on hands, or wash very thoroughly. Use a dental dam or slice open a condom to use as a barrier for oral-anal contact to prevent the transmission of hepatitis and intestinal parasites.

Positions

A "good" position for sex is one that will let you do what you want to do, let you touch the parts of your partner or yourself that you want to touch,

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and let you be comfortable. So start thinking outside of the traditional positions you come across in movies, books, and television (all two of them!).

My favorite position is on my back with women. Of course it depends on what is going on: using a toy (I have used a toy with a man too, so it isn't limited as to what and where it can be used), caressing or rubbing her in various areas of her body or her sitting on my face. It honestly depends on what she is into.

I definitely have favorite sexual positions. Because I have pain in my joints if they are used too much, stressed too much, or are in the wrong position too long, I find it easiest to be on my back with a long, cylindrical pillow under my knees and my partner over me. She and I like a lot of different things. We both like to kiss. I crave long, sexy kisses fully clothed in the kitchen (while burning the popcorn) as much as cunnilingus, vibrator play, petting, fisting, breast sucking, or strap-on fucking. But we find we can have almost all of those things in my best position. So we definitely have found ourselves in the same three positions (the others being one partner on hands and knees for fisting or fucking; and lesbian missionary — one of us on our back with the other lying between the first's legs instead of on top of her). In my most comfortable position, sometimes her toes are at the same end of the bed as mine, but sometimes we are facing in opposite directions. Does that make it two different positions? Possibly.

At first I am embarrassed to undress. Don't want a man to see my body At my age, the body is not great anyway but added to my disability, it is not beautiful. I am tentative at first. So much depends on one's partner. I like any position I can manage!!!!

When I was with a mixed couple, it was on my back, legs pulled back, and her sitting on my face while he was doing my rear. But there were other positions that we got into, like lying on my stomach, side, and so on.

I rarely do the intercourse thing. I guess the positions that feel good are the ones where I'm being comfortably stimulated or am comfortably stimulating someone else. I love lying on my side kissing and hugging my lover — my left side is best to lie on so I can use my long right arm to touch them. I like sitting up and touching someone, but find it virtually impossible to sit on someone's face or torso without crushing them to death because of my short right leg. Some positions are definitely more comfortable than others. I rarely lie or climb on top of someone because I really can't support my own weight because of my disabilities.

I am very fortunate in that it is easy for me to achieve and sustain multiple orgasms within a relatively short period of time. If I chose to sleep with a man, my sex life would be made more difficult both because of my inability to spread my legs for prolonged periods of time and my increased spasticity upon sexual excitement. This generally interferes with the rhythm of heterosexual intercourse. During my one foray into heterosexual experience, I compensated for this difficulty by throwing my legs up over my head. My disability enables me to maintain this position comfortably and allows others to gain access to appropriate areas. Penetration is important but not essential.

Often we will try to adjust our needs to a particular position, when it would work better the other way around. So, for example, someone who is hemiplegic can lie on their affected side so that the unaffected arm is free to move. Frequently the solutions are simple, once you stop thinking that the missionary and doggie positions are the only way to have sex. Positioning is something you might be able to do on your own, or you may need to get your partner or an attendant to help (see chapter 4 for ideas on this kind of negotiation). Well-placed mirrors can help with positioning and also let you see yourself and your partner, which can be quite a turn-on. If you know you're likely to feel pain during sex, try to choose a position that allows you to move away easily if you're starting to experience pain.

Here are some tips that we have picked up over the years. You'll find more in chapter 7, on oral sex.

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One Partner on Top

If you have a bad back, try lying on your back with pillows under your knees to keep your legs slightly bent. Some people also use a rolled-up towel under their lower back. This position can be used for almost any sexual activity. A variation on this is to lie on your front with a pillow under your hips or belly.

If one partner has more physical strength and control than the other, they may want to take a position on top with their partner lying on their back or side. While these positions are traditionally seen as top = superior, we want to suggest that the person on the bottom can have control of the action by saying exactly what they want and when.

Because of my disability I am unable to spread my legs without feeling a lot of pressure and pain in my hips. Being on top or on the bottom and lying on a flat surface like a bed isn't possible for me. What I have figured out is that if I lie on my back and hang my hips over the side of the bed or a couch, I can still have vaginal penetration. My partner kneels and then pulls me forward so my legs are straddling his hips and my bum is right on the edge of the bed. This way I can reach my clit and get fucked without feeling too much pressure or pain.