The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (21 page)

You don't have to ignore other parts of your partner's body. Whatever you have access to, you can stimulate during oral sex. You can reach up and stroke her breasts or belly. You may want to slip a finger in her vagina, or her anus, or both. Many women also like having the area around their vulva and pubic bone touched and massaged during oral sex.

Gently separate her outer lips with your tongue, or use your fingers if that's easier. You'll want to locate her clitoris, but you don't have to pounce on it.

Try using your face and head to nuzzle in between her legs. You can use your nose as a sex toy, rubbing it against her clitoris or flooding the area with moist, warm air.

Probably because of my meds I find that my mouth gets really dry when I'm giving my girlfriend head. The simple solution we came up with was to have a squirt bottle of water by the bed at all times. I sometimes have to take a breather, but if the water is cold I can also use it to my advantage when I go back down.

Positioning

For everyone, finding the right position for cunnilingus takes imagination and creativity. A sense of humor also helps. There isn't one position that everyone likes, and the position must suit both partners. The most traditional position for cunnilingus is with the receiver on her back with the giver lying between her legs. A pillow under her butt might bring her vulva into a position that will be more comfortable for the giver's neck. Sitting in a chair, or the edge of a bed or couch, can also work well if the giver can comfortably kneel. Or the giver can lie on their back with a pillow under their head while the receiver is on her knees over the giver's face. The person on top can be supported by the wall or headboard, or by hardware such as a wall-mounted grab bar or a bar suspended from the ceiling.

The right position at one moment is not always the right position forever. Some women love to receive oral sex in a position where they are upright or on top, but can't have an orgasm unless their body is more supported, so they will want to shift positions at some point. Also, either person may find a limb going numb, neck getting sore, or a muscle cramping somewhere. "I need to change positions" doesn't mean "I want to stop."

The tips on positions in chapter 8 may apply as well here as they do for penetration.

Tips and Technique

As you explore you'll find different things that your partner loves. Don't feel you have to stick to the same motion, but do try to get a sense of whether your partner wants a change. Repeated rhythmic tongue strokes are what get many women over the top, so you don't want to change what you are doing too frequently. Be aware of your partner's rising and falling pleasure. Try to tune into her body movements, breathing, or what she might be saying, to learn whether she wants faster or slower, more or less.

It isn't your responsibility alone, however, to know what great oral sex is and what will turn your partner on. She needs to let you know what works and what doesn't.

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Someone once said that vulvas are like snowflakes: No two are exactly alike. Take the time to appreciate what's before you, and offer some signs of appreciation. Tell her what you like about her vulva, her clit, what looks good or feels good. Moans of wild excitement will do just as well as a hundred words.

Your partner may feel turned on by watching you or by eye contact. She may enjoy it if you look at her, as long as you don't stop what you are doing. If it's difficult for you to have direct eye contact in a certain position, mirrors (either a small hand-held one or one mounted on the wall or on a floor stand) can allow you both to see what you want without causing pain to your necks or backs.

Some people wonder when to stop. It isn't always clear when a woman has had an orgasm or when she is physically spent and wants to change to something else. Some women like you to stop after her orgasm, others like you to keep going. She might want you to continue the same way, especially if she is hoping for another orgasm, or she might want you to slow down or just press your tongue on her clit. You can't guess what she wants, so she needs to let you know with words or signals, like pressing on your head gently.

Fellatio

As with cunnilingus, when it comes to sucking cock, anticipation is key, and working slowly toward the penis is a good idea. When you get there, take a look at the penis in front of you. You may never have had a chance to do this before, or it might be old hat to you, but either way keep in mind that like every vulva, every cock is different. Take the time to feel around every fold of skin, nook, and cranny with your fingers and your tongue. This can be exciting for both partners.

Getting the Lay of the Land

One of the biggest differences in penises is whether they are circumcised or not. In uncircumcised penises, the head of the penis is hidden under the foreskin when the penis is not erect! An uncircumcised penis has more

skin to move around and play with, and it's less likely that an enthusiastic tug or pull will hurt. The head of an uncircumcised penis is more sensitive to touch. By contrast, a benefit of a circumcised penis is that it's all right out there, whether or not it's erect, and you get easier access to all its parts.

Having reviewed the anatomy in chapter 3 (do this now, not while you are having sex!), you will want to learn your partner's particular topography. Find out where he is the most sensitive, how and where he likes to be touched.

The area under the head of the penis where the head meets the shaft (called the frenulum) is often the most sensitive spot. It has the greatest concentration of nerve endings, while the shaft of the penis has fewer nerve endings and less sensation. Although some men enjoy both the look and feel of vigorous friction on the shaft, most will want some kind of stimulation of the rest of the penis to get off. The testicles (balls) can be very sensitive to touch and pressure and can be stimulated orally.

Once you've got an idea of all the parts you're working with, you can start exploring. Start wherever is most comfortable for you and work your way either up or down the penis, the head, shaft, and balls, slowly using your mouth, tongue, lips, to touch every part of him. As you move slowly pay attention to his reactions. Even if he doesn't give you verbal feedback, you'll get a good idea from his body responses what is turning him on.

Fellatio also doesn't have to be just about the genitals. If you have access to other parts of his body, touching, stroking, lightly running nails along the skin or playing with his nipples can add extra stimulation and expand the experience of oral sex for both of you.

Positioning

My favorite position is with the guy sitting on my chest, with me sucking his cock, sucking his balls, eating his ass, and ending by him jerking off.

One thing that works for us is when I lie at the end of the bed, my stomach on the bed and my waist and legs off the bed. She then

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sits on the floor with her back to the bed and sort of lies under me and can play with me that way.

The position you choose should be comfortable for both the giver and the receiver. You'll get the most access to all parts of his penis if you are between his legs. It may be most comfortable for him to be on his back in bed with you lying or kneeling between his legs. It might be better for you to be on top of him. He can sit on the edge of the bed or a chair, or be in one of many positions on a couch. If you use a wheelchair it may be possible for you to give oral sex in your wheelchair with your partner lying on a bed or table that's the right height for you. A wheelchair can also be a perfect place to be on the receiving end. As always, pillows can be helpfully placed under someone's butt or under the knees, to either raise someone up or make kneeling or sitting more comfortable.

Tips and Technique

Don't rely on one motion only, or focus on one part of the penis only. Mix it up, both in terms of what you're stimulating and the pacing of the stimulation.

Sometimes people think that fellatio means putting a cock in your mouth and moving your head up and down, with some occasional sucking action. It can be this, but it can also be much, much more. Don't forget to use your tongue. Play with different movements, lick clockwise for a bit, and then counterclockwise. You can rub his penis along the sides of your teeth in the pouch that your cheek makes. There is much to be said for subtlety. Try using your tongue to gently flick the head of the penis, starting slow and ending up with some fast and furious flicking. If you flutter your tongue up and down on the underside of his penis while it's in your mouth, you may be amazed by the reaction.

When you take his cock in your mouth, take it in slowly, using your tongue as a guide. If you can, wrap a hand around the shaft while his cock is sliding into your mouth. You can move your head around his cock, either in circles or up and down. You can let his cock slip all the way out of your mouth and back in, or keep it in your mouth for longer without taking it out.

Once the receiver is comfortable and excited, you can start playing more with his balls. Testicles are very sensitive to both pleasure and pain, and react badly to any threat. So go slowly with them. Try alternating licking and sucking to see if either or both are pleasurable for him. You can take both balls into your mouth at the same time or one at a time. Many men like the feeling of having their balls held or cupped.

My boyfriend goes crazy when someone holds his balls while giving him head. I can't always do this so I have him sitting down and before I start to suck I take a small towel, get it wet with warm water, and then wrap it around his balls. Sometimes I just use the towel without the water. I can usually manage to squeeze the towel a bit and nudge it with my mouth and face. I don't know what it does for him, but I know he likes it!

Another technique is to make a ring shape with your hand at the top of the scrotum, holding just the skin. Very slowly and gently pull down away from his belly, while still playing with the rest of his penis. It is safe to pull harder if he wants, providing you are not putting pressure on the testicles, but just pulling on the skin.

The perineum, the area behind the balls and between the scrotum and the anus, is often quite sensitive. You can lick this area or gently massage it. Some men don't like this, but you won't know if you don't try. Try grabbing his penis near the base and pull up (toward his belly), exposing his balls, then lick from the perineum all the way up the shaft to the head of his dick.

/ once was giving this guy head and he had his legs pulled back showing his rear entrance and asked me to stick my hand up as far as possible. I wasn't into that but used the dildo and when he came it was a different rush, inserting the dildo as far as possible and feeling him cum down my throat. I would definitely do that again!

Some men really like anal stimulation but are afraid to ask for it. Inserting one or more fingers in his ass while focusing your mouth on his

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cock can be heaven for many men. Some men describe the feeling of having their penis stimulated while being penetrated as having "two cocks/' one inside and one outside.

Spit or Swallow?

For some people this is a big issue. Some men feel it is a form of ultimate acceptance if their partner swallows their cum. Other men don't care one way or another. If you are using a condom, then you will not be confronted with the issue of what to do if and when your partner ejaculates. Many people do not want to swallow semen, and some are uncomfortable having a man ejaculate in their mouth. This is an issue of personal choice. You can always spit it out (have some tissues ready). Once you are familiar with a partner you may be able to anticipate ejaculation by a few clues. The noises he makes and body movements are good indicators. For a lot of men another sign is that the head of the cock will swell just prior to ejaculating. Often a small amount of semen will come out just before ejaculation. This is referred to as pre-cum.

The way I deal with guys who want me to swallow is simple. I tell them I'll swallow if they will. I figure hey if I'm willing to taste and swallow their cum, they should be too, so before I swallow they have to take some also. If they refuse, then so do I. It just seems fair, and some of my partners have really got off on it.

Mutual Oral Sex (the 69 Position)

The "69 position" allows for both partners to stimulate each other's genitals at the same time. It can be a fun variation on oral sex. One main obstacle is finding a position that will be comfortable for both of you. A second typical complaint about this activity is that one partner usually slows down as a result of wanting to focus on the pleasure they are receiving. There are no great tried-and-true positions that will work for everyone, and this position seems to'get the most attention in porn,

rather than in real people's sex lives. That said, getting creative and trying to satisfy both partners' needs at the same time can be a fun project for an evening, or afternoon, or weekend.

Analingus

Oral/anal contact is called analingus, also referred to as rimming. Many people find it highly pleasurable. It is also considered to be quite risky in terms of transmitting infections. If you want to try this we recommend you use a barrier between your mouth and your partner's anus. See chapter 12 on safer sex and sexual health for a longer discussion of this. Before you skip over this section completely, remember that people who have little or no genital sensation may still have plenty of feeling in and around the anus, so exploring this kind of play can open up a lot of new possibilities for pleasure.

First, the area should completely clean. If you know you want to explore this part of your partner's body, try to arrange that they bathe or shower just before. The receiver should ensure that the area around their asshole is clean, and if possible try to clean the area immediately inside the anus just by inserting a wet finger in their rectum a bit and then washing it off well.

The ideal position is obviously one that exposes the ass as much as possible. The receiver may be in a chair, or on the edge of the bed, or on their back. Their legs can be the air or over the giver's shoulders. The giver could be on their back with the receiver over them. The receiver can be on their belly over a pile of pillows.