The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (41 page)

S/M 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman (Greenery Press, 1998).

Online

BDSM and Disability Discussion Groups http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BDSM_4_PWD http://groups.yahoo.com/group/disAbledpervs

Two Yahoo discussion groups that focus on discussions around BDSM and disabilities.

BRC BDSM Resource Center

www.thebrc.net

A collection of articles and links related to BDSM. There are several articles

focusing on disability in the archives section of the site.

322 • THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEX AND DISABILITY

Fetish Diva Midori

www.fetishdiva.com

The main site for Midori, sex educator extraordinaire and Japanese rope

bondage expert. This site links to her other two sites, one of which lists the

workshops she offers across North America.

Kink Aware Professionals

www.bannon.com/kap

This site lists professionals (including therapists, doctors, lawyers, and others)

who are aware of and sensitive to the needs of people who choose alternative

sexual expressions like S/M.

Sexuality.org Resources on BDSM www.sexuality.org/bdsm

An excellent place to start learning about BDSM, this site features articles on everything from negotiating a scene to finding partners, to specific play techniques.

Organizations

National Leather Association www.nla-i.com

NLA International is one of the oldest and largest leather/BDSM/fetish organizations in the world. They have a sketchy history with disability, but the site is a good place to find out about events, local chapters, and information.

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RESOURCES • 323

Sexual Assault Resources

Thanks to Wendi Abramson, Director of Disability Services at Safe Place for suggestions with these resources.

Print

Disability, Sexuality and Abuse: An Annotated Bibliography by D. Sobsey, S. Gray, D. Wellis, D. Pyper, and B. Reimer-Heck (Paul H. Brookes, 1991).

/ Contact: Sexuality and People with Developmental Disabilities, by D. Hingsburger (Ida Publishing, 1990).

/ Openers: Parents Ask Questions About Sexuality and Their Children with Developmental Disabilities, by D. Hingsburger (Family Support Institute Press, 1993).

No More Victims: A Manual to Guide Counsellors and Social Workers in Addressing the Sexual Abuse of People with a Mental Handicap, by M. Ticoll (Roeher Institute, 1992).

No More Victims: A Manual to Guide Families and Friends in Preventing the Sexual Abuse of People with a Mental Handicap, by M. Ticoll (Roeher Institute, 1992).

Serving Women with Disabilities: A Guide for Domestic Abuse Programs, by Leslie A. Myers (Center for Research on Women with Disabilities, Baylor College of Medicine, 1999).

Sexual Assault Survivor's Handbook: For People with Developmental Disabilities and Their Advocates, (R and E Publishers, Saratoga, Calif.,Baladerian, N.J., 1991).

The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse, by Staci Haines (Cleis Press, 1999).

Violence and Abuse in the Lives of People with Disabilities: The End of Silent Acceptance?, by Dick Sobsey (Paul H. Brookes, 1994).

Violence Against Disabled Women, by Barbara Waxman-Fiduccia and Leslie R. Wolfe (Center for Women's Policy Studies, 1999). This article can be downloaded for free at

www.centerwomenpolicy.org/report_download. cfm?ReportlD=4 or by contacting the Center for Women's Policy Studies 1211 Connecticut Avenue, N.W Suite 312 Washington, DC 20036 (202) 872-1770, (202) 296-8962

Violence Prevention Resource Guide for Women with Disabilities (Canadian

Abilities Foundation, 2001).

340 College St., #650

Toronto, ON, Canada M5T 3A9

(416) 923-1885, fax (416) 923-9829

www.enablelink.org

[email protected]

Working With Abuse Survivors: A Guide for Independent Living Centers, by Leslie A. Myers (Center for Research on Women with Disabilities, Baylor College of Medicine, 1999).

Online

Advocate Web

www.advocateweb.org

A nonprofit organization providing information and resources regarding abuse

by "helping professionals." Their website has a section focusing on disability

issues.

Canadian Women's Internet Directory

http://directory.womenspace.caA/iolence_Against_Women/Lists_of_Shelters_an

d_Services

Contains a partial list of rape crisis centers across Canada.

Incest and Abuse Information from About.com

http://incestabuse.about.com

A good collection of links to websites and discussion groups about incest and

sexual abuse.

I

RESOURCES • 325

Organizations

Education Wife Assault

A Canadian organization that informs and educates individuals and communities about the abuse of women. They offer disability-specific resources and training.

427 Bloor Street West, Box 7 Toronto, ON Canada M5S 1X7

(416) 968-3422, (416) 968-2026, TTY (416) 968-7335 www.womanabuseprevention.com [email protected]

Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN) 635-B Pennsylvania Ave., SE Washington, DC 20003

Organization that runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which can be contacted in the United States at (800) 656-4673.

Safe Place

An organization focusing on sexual assault and domestic violence, Safe Place

has begun to offer their disability initiatives in the United States.

RO. Box 19454

Austin, Texas 78760

(512) 356-1599, (512) 385-0662, TTY (512) 482-0691

www.austin-safeplace.org

Sex Work

Print

Real Live Nude Girl, by Carol Queen (Cleis Press, 2002).

Sex Work, ed. by Frederique Delacoste and Priscilla Alexander (Cleis Press, 1998).

Tricks and Treats: Sex Workers Write About Their Clients, ed. by Matt Bernstein Sycamore (Haworth, 2000).

Turning Pro: A Guide to Sex Work for the Ambitious and the Intrigued, by Magdalene Meretrix (Greenery Press, 2001).

Whores and other Feminists, ed. by Jill Nagle (Routledge, 1997).

Online

Commercial Sex Information Service

www.walnet.org/csis/groups

A fine collection of news and links related to sex work, from Canada.

International Sex Workers Rights Organizations

www.swimw.org/orgs.html

Contains a list of organizations around the world working toward improving

the rights of sex workers.

Why Disabled People Make the Best Clients www.sfc.org.uk/adults/issue02/15disabl.htm

An article about sex work and clients with disabilities. Not an argument everyone will agree with, but an interesting article to read.

RESOURCES • 327

Yoga, Tantra, and Spiritual Sex

Print

The Essential Tantra: A Modern Guide to Sacred Sexuality, by Kenneth Ray Stubbs (Tarcher/Putnam, 2000).

Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy, by Mantak Chia and Maneewan Chia (Healing Tao, 1991).

The Heart of Yoga: Developing a Personal Practice, by T. K. V. Desikachar (Inner Traditions, 1999).

Health, Healing and Beyond: Yoga and the Living Tradition of Krishnamacharya, by T. K. V. Desikachar (Aperture, 2001).

Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know, by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava (Harper San Francisco, 1997).

Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, by Pala Copeland and Al Link (New Page Books, 2003).

Spiritual Sex: Ecstasy Through Tantra, by J. Mumford (Llewellyn Publications, 1987).

Tantra Spirituality and Sex, by B. S. Rajneesh (Rajneesh Foundation, Rajneeshpuram, 1983).

Tantra: The Yoga of Sex, by O. V. Garrison (Julian Press, 1964).

Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy, by Mantak Chia and Michael Winn (Aurora Press, 1984).

Online

Tantric Sex: The Gift of Sexual Energy www.paratetra.net/ustexts/sex/tantra.htm

This links to an excellent article by Mitch Tepper about spiritual sex and disability. Not to be missed.

Secret Garden

http://secretgardenpublishing.com

The website for Secret Garden Publishing, the company founded by Kenneth

Ray Stubbs, an excellent teacher and author on spiritual sex.

Tantra.com

www.tantra.com

A good place to start online explorations about tantric sex. They push a lot of

products on the site, but there is a lot of free information as well.

Universal Tao Center www.universal-tao.com

The center run by Mantak Chia, considered to be one of the great masters of Taoist sexuality (and an author of several books included above). This site contains links to books, classes offered around the world, and other websites focusing on Taoist sexuality.

Gender

The term gender usually refers to the learned or socially constructed aspects of who you are as masculine or feminine. Sex is what we are born with, and gender is what we do with it. And for many people it is straightforward. But for a lot of us, gender is more complicated than that. Many of us don't experience our genders the way we're "supposed" to. For some of us, gender is fluid, changing over the course of a lifetime. We all are capable of change, and for many of us, desires change as we grow and discover more of who we are and what we are capable of feeling and doing. We can break our definition of gender into three parts: genetic gender, physical gender, and gender identity.

Genetic gender

Most people have, in every cell, two chromosomes that determine their genetic gender. A person with two X chromosomes is genetically female, and a person with an X and a Y chromosome is genetically male. But it is possible to have some cells with two X's and some with an X and a Y. Some people have only one gender chromosome (X). Some people have an extra chromosome (XXY or XYY). So even on a chromosomal level, there are far more than two options.

Physical gender

Our anatomy—our internal organs and the appearance of our bodies— most often matches our genetic gender, but not always. Sometimes baby girls are born with a very large clitoris that looks like a penis. This can be due to congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which is caused in utero by an anomaly of the adrenal glands. Or a boy might have a small penis with the urethra at it's base instead of at the end. This is called hypospadias. Genetic males whose bodies can't respond to testosterone will often have genitals that look like girls', even though they have testicles that produce male hormones.

GLOSSARY OF GENDER AND SEX TERMS • 331

Gender identity

What gender you feel you are also may or may not match your genetic or physical gender. So you may have been born with a penis and testicles but speak softly and love to wear dresses with yards of lace. Even though these attributes are usually associated with women, you still feel like a man. What if you feel more like a woman, but can't explain exactly why. Or what if you are a woman—and not a thing about femininity resonates with you personally. We would like to propose that the problem is with the limited options we are given—not with how we feel or the words we use to describe ourselves. There is intense social pressure to choose one gender identity, follow the rules, and never waver.

Sex

Sexual Behavior

This is what people usually mean when they say sex. Kissing, hugging, petting, gazing into someone's eyes (or your own), talking dirty, fucking, tickling someone with your foot, fantasizing—you name it, if you're doing it to arouse yourself or someone else, it's sexual behavior.

Sexual Orientation

Who do you want to have sex with? If you are mainly sexually attracted to people of the same gender, your sexual orientation is usually considered homosexual (gay, lesbian). If you are predominantly attracted to people of the "opposite" gender, your orientation is considered heterosexual (straight), and if you are attracted to both sexes your orientation is considered bisexual (bi, AC/DC).

Sexual Identity

Sexual identity is the most complicated of these three terms. It refers not to what we do, or who we do it with, but how we define our sexuality.

Our sexual identity is the way we see ourselves and define ourselves in relation to the rest of the world. It also encompasses the sexual behaviors we like, who we like to do them with, and more. Sexual identity also includes who we look to for intimate emotional support and who we choose as long-term partners, not just who we like to get hot with. For example, some men who are in long-term relationships with women have anonymous sex with other men. Most of these men would never call themselves gay or bisexual. Yet some people might say, "Oh, he's just in the closet, he isn't being true to himself." While this may be true for some men who have sex with men, it isn't for all of them. They may get their primary emotional, spiritual, romantic pleasure from being in relationships with women and ALSO like having sex with men.

Asexual

This term usually means "devoid of all sexuality." It's often applied to people who are not currently interested in sex or sexual behavior. We think asexual is a terrible term because we feel everyone has the potential to have sexual feelings. Even when we aren't being sexual or feeling sexual (either by choice or circumstance) we are still sexual beings.

Intersexed

Intersexuality is used to describe people who are born with sex chromosomes, external genitalia, or internal reproductive organs that don't match each other in the usual way. This is also sometimes called being born with "ambiguous genitalia." Not unlike the harmful "normalization" surgeries done on many people with physical disabilities for cosmetic reasons, doctors may advocate for newborn babies who are intersexed to receive plastic surgery to "correct" genitalia that simply don't look right (this could be mean a large clitoris, or a small penis). As adults, people who identify as intersexed have to contend with feelings about the surgery as they piece together a gender and sexual identity that feels right for them. Often they will have been raised being told they were a gender different than how they felt, and in many cases they will not be told the details about their surgery.