The Ultimate Inferior Beings (17 page)

Randolph
stared hard at Jeremy. “Say
what you have to say, and make it snappy.”

But snappy was about the last
thing Jeremy was going to make it. Not now, now that he had their undivided
attention. “I shall tell you. I shall tell you the bad news straight out. I
shall not try to soften the blow in any way. I will not try to lessen the full
horror of my news.”

Jeremy paused for dramatic
effect, but this merely made the other Mamms glower at him menacingly.

“Okay, I shall tell you now,”
he said. Jeremy took a deep breath and announced, “They are here! I have seen
them.”

He waited for the other Mamms
to at least recoil in horror, but there was no reaction from them other than a
few puzzled glances.

After a short silence, one
Mamm asked the question no one dared ask for fear of Jeremy actually answering
it. “Who’s here?”

Jeremy looked at the Mamm in
disbelief. “Who’s here??” he repeated. “Who’s here? Why... they are here: The
Dogs!” He paused to make sure the message had finally sunk home. “I have seen
them with my own eyes!”

 This time he was gratified
to see that the others, while still not stepping back in horror, were at least
looking a trifle disconcerted.

“We must now do what is Wrong
in order to do what is Right,” he continued. “In the Hour of The Lie. For the
Good of the Species...”

There was a silence. In days
gone by, the Mamms would have answered with the traditional response of “In the
Light of the Dark!” But this meaningless phrase had suffered a dramatic loss of
popularity in recent times; and, besides, their silence was intended to snub
Jeremy.

Jeremy glared at the other
Mamms, feeling their snub.

“Well, let’s not be too
hasty,” said Randolph calmly, making pacifying gestures. “If what you have seen
are indeed The Dogs, then we would …”

Jeremy looked dumb-founded –
but in fact wasn’t. “They are certainly The Dogs!” he exclaimed fervently. “I
tell you, I saw them with my own eyes!”

“What did they look like?”
asked Randolph with great patience.

“Humans!” cried Jeremy. “Two
arms, two legs and a head with hair coming out of it. We know the humans are
The Dogs. It has been proved that the humans are The Dogs. Everyone knows that
the humans are The Dogs!”

“Er,” started Randolph, glancing at the others. “We don’t actually have any proof that the humans are
The Dogs.”

“No, all right, that’s true,”
conceded Jeremy. And then his eyes widened. “But
I
have the proof!” he
added dramatically.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. For they have
lied to us. So this must be the Hour of The Lie. And they must be The Dogs.
And, as such, we must destroy them. There is no other answer. It is the Answer.
The humans must be destroyed. For the Good of the Species...”

Again, no one responded with
“In the Light of the Dark”.

Randolph
raised a slimy, green
eyebrow. “Tell us,” he said to Jeremy. “Tell us how they have lied to us.”

Jeremy grinned. Victory was
within sight. They would now listen to him and he would convince them. And then
they would destroy the humans. For the Good of the Species. In the Light of the
Dark.

“Well?” prompted Randolph.

“Yes, sorry” said Jeremy,
breaking out of his reverie. “Well, I was there when they lied. I saw it all. I
was with Oscar at Receiver Net 7 when it landed. Oscar picked it up and we both
saw that it was a brick. On the brick was their answer to the question of the
Elders. Were they a Friend? Or were they a Foe? I asked Oscar what their answer
was. And Oscar told me. And do you know what Oscar told me?”

Most of them could guess, but
they shook their heads anyway.

“Oscar told me that the
answer they had sent was...” Jeremy paused for effect, “...FRIEND!”

He looked in triumph at his
audience. “And that was it!” he exclaimed. “That was their lie. In the Hour of
The Lie, that was their lie. That is proof enough. They are The Dogs. We must
kill them.” Jeremy nodded, satisfied that he had spoken and proved his point
well.

There was a silence. Then Randolph asked, “How do we know that was a lie, Jeremy? They may indeed mean to be our
friends.”

“Our friends?” screamed
Jeremy in amazement. “How can they be our friends?”

“Well, why not?”

“Because they are the humans.
And the humans are The Dogs. And The Dogs will destroy the Universe. And The
Dogs have lied to us.” Jeremy was near to tears. “How can they possibly be our
friends??”

*

“Anyway,” said sylX,
continuing her story cheerfully. “So there I was – in prison in Melbourne. My picture was in all the Australian newspapers, so at least that was nice.
Then, one day, out of the blue, I got a visit from a creepy little bald guy who
kept making passes at me. He said he was head of recruitment at the Tenalp
Ministry of Intelligence and Spying. He had terrible breath and sat far too
close to me on the bunk in my cell.

“He asked me about my
previous history of stowing away. He made detailed notes of all that I said.
And then he put his hand on my knee!” sylX paused at the shock of the memory.
“So, I slapped him. Quite hard. Really quite hard.” She swiped her hand in the
air in demonstration.

They walked on.

“When he came round he was
very apologetic, but no less creepy. He begged me to forgive him. He said that
he hadn’t made a pass at a woman for many years and consequently was out of
practice. Did I mind if he tried again? I had no option but to slap him a
second time.

“To cut a long story short, I
was recruited as a professional stowaway, working for the Tenalp MIS. The
creepy guy told me how difficult it was to find really good stowaways because,
of course, the best ones never got caught. And that’s how I became a pro.”

“But why have professional
stowaways?” asked jixX.

“My job is to root out any
real stowaways, as I know all the best hiding places.”

“Does that mean that,
officially, you’re one of the crew?”

“No, I’m a free agent. I
don’t answer to the ship’s captain, if that’s what you’re thinking,” answered
the stowaway with a slight smirk. “And also, for tax reasons, I’m not on the
crew payroll,” she continued. “My pay packet is usually wrapped up in a brown
paper parcel and left in some secret location: under a park bench, in a disused
post box, or up the chimney of a derelict house, the traditional way of paying
spies. It’s a hell of a job trying to find it sometimes.”

“Does it pay well?” asked
jixX.

“Unfortunately, no. We’re
rather poorly paid on account of all the free travel we get.” She grinned, and
then shrugged. “Still, I don’t do it for the money.”

“Job satisfaction?” suggested
Chris.

“I wish,” said sylX, shaking
her head. “The fun largely went out of it a long time ago.”

“Why then?”

“Well, if I don’t do it,”
said sylX with a sigh, “they’ll throw me back into prison for assaulting the
creepy bald guy. Twice!”

*

“So, we will kill them now,
right?” said Jeremy, ready to start a posse.

“Hmm, I’m not sure,” said Randolph thoughtfully.

“But the humans are The
Dogs!!” cried Jeremy.

“We need more evidence,” said
Randolph.

“More evidence??” said
Jeremy, almost screaming in exasperation.

“Now calm yourself, Jeremy,”
said Randolph. “We appreciate your efforts. We know you mean well. You are a
good Benjaminite, albeit a little over-zealous at times. You let your emotions
get the better of you. You have done well to bring an important matter to our
attention. We will have to make a full enquiry into the caninity of these
humans. We need more proof to be completely convinced.”

Jeremy was almost beside
himself, but suddenly managed to get himself calm. “Okay, okay,” he said. “If
it’s further proof you want, then it’s further proof you get.”

“I think you should leave
this to us, Jeremy.”

“But I know how to do it! I
know the very way!”

“Yes, Jeremy. Of course you
do. Now go and lie down for a while.”

“But I do!!!” screamed
Jeremy, his green slime appearing to froth a little.

“Alright, alright,” said Randolph, trying to calm him. “Tell us how you intend to acquire this further proof.”

Jeremy’s eyes flashed. “I
will destroy The Dogs!”

Randolph
looked at the other nine
Mamms, and then back at Jeremy. “I see,” he said thoughtfully. “And, er, what
exactly will that prove?”

“It will fulfil Benjamin’s
prophecy. Benjamin said that The Dogs will be destroyed and thus we will be
Saved. For the Good of the Species.”

“So?”

“So by destroying the humans
I will
prove
they are The Dogs. In accordance with Benjamin’s prophecy.”

Randolph
gave a polite cough. “I, er,
I think your logic’s a bit off there, Jeremy.”

“Huh?”

“Your argument is flawed,
your deductions not altogether sound.”

“What do you mean – not
sound??”

“Look,” started Randolph. “Say you were to kill me. Would that prove that I am a Dog?”

“But I know that you are a
Master,” said Jeremy, astonished at the ridiculousness of Randolph’s argument.
“So, I would not kill you. And, consequently, by not killing you I would prove
that you are
not
a Dog.
Quod erat demonstrandum
,” he said, proud
of himself. “QED.”

Randolph
shuddered in gentle despair,
wondering why he bothered.

“Surely you believe in
Benjamin’s prophecies,” said Jeremy.

“Well …,” started Randolph.

“Because, if you don’t,” said
Jeremy, now in his stride, “by fulfilling them, I would be proving them to be
true! In killing the humans I will prove:
a
. that they are The Dogs, and
b
. that Benjamin’s prophecy was correct.”

With this, Jeremy turned and
slithered away from them, leaving them to grapple with the circuitous logic of
his argument. “You will see I am right,” he called back without turning round.

The ten Mamms watched after
him, some of them open-mouthed, some shaking their heads and one waving
politely. Then they turned to look at one another in bafflement. Randolph shrugged.

“What do we do now?” asked
Henry, the smallest of the Mamms in the middle of the circle who was still
waving.

The other nine turned on him
irritably.

“Well, you can shut up, for a
start,” said one of them.

“What are you waving at him
for, you snivelling oik?” said another.

“Silence, you little puppy,”
said a third.

Chapter 2

“
So your real
name’s not sylX?” said jixX to the stowaway. “If
you were born on Earth.”

“That’s right,” admitted the
stowaway. “My real name’s Sue. The Ministry gave me a new name and new identity
and a full set of badly forged papers.”

For a moment, fluX looked
like he wanted to get into the conversation, but it was only a moment, and it
soon passed.

The four of them walked on.
Or rather, three walked and one slithered.

As they did so, jixX once
again had the distinct feeling that they were being watched. He looked behind
him and, sure enough, he spotted a slimy green blob on the horizon. There was
no way of telling whether it was the same blob he had seen before, but his
instincts told him it might be. When he turned round again, a few paces later,
the slimy green blob appeared much closer and seemed to be nearing them at a
rapid pace.

“Don’t look now,” he said in
a whisper, “but I think we’re being followed.”

Chris glanced behind and
suddenly looked nervous and annoyed. “Oh dear,” he said.