The Ultimate Inferior Beings (19 page)

“Coward!!” screamed Jeremy.

*

anaX had now completed many
journeys between the boat hangar’s Spares room and the food store of the
emergency deep-space survival module. At each trip she had carried armloads of
electronic equipment, industrial lubricants and engineering tools. In fact, the
only bits of food in the food store were the few pieces of cheese she had put
in the rattraps.

She glanced at her watch to
see how she was doing. According to her calculations there were four hours to
go before the bomb went off, and she would need to leave a full two hours
before then to be clear. That left her two hours in which to complete
preparation of the emergency deep-space survival module. Two whole hours, and
so many things still left to do. She wondered how people managed in actual
emergencies.

“Did you know,” LEP was
saying, “that the common or garden Tenalp earthworm can sustain a tensile
stress of 3.5 gigapascals?”

anaX paused to consider this.
“That doesn’t sound right,” she said finally.

“No, it probably isn’t,”
admitted LEP. “I just made it up.”

“I see.”

anaX focused her attention on
repairing the damaged circuitry of the survival module’s grav field. Suddenly a
smile formed on her lips. She looked up. “You know, LEP,” she said. “I almost
like you.”

“Almost?”

“Yes. You’re different from
other... computers.”

“Oh?” said LEP, flattered.
“Is it my wit, is it my charm, is it my amazing personality?”

anaX thought for a bit. “No,
none of those. I think it must be your nitrous quatrode valves.”

LEP was silent for a while,
slightly stunned at the risqué nature of anaX’s joke. Then he said, “How did
you know I’ve got nitrous quatrode valves?”

“Oh, a woman can tell,” she
answered.

Silence.

“Let’s change the subject,”
said LEP.

“Alright,” said anaX,
smiling. Deep down she was beginning to feel a genuine affection for this fool
of a ship’s computer.

So they changed the subject,
though not very greatly. They talked about computers – a subject in which both
seemed to have a strong interest. LEP’s strong interest in computers stemmed
mainly from his strong interest in himself, while anaX’s strong interest
stemmed mainly from... well... mainly from her strong interest in computers.

So they chatted about
computers while anaX continued her preparations. They talked about computer
animations, computer music, computer-written books and computer-generated works
of Art. After a long while, they lapsed into silence.

anaX found herself feeling
strangely warm and happy inside, despite herself – a sensation she had not
experienced in a very long time. LEP, on the other hand, felt more certain he
was in love than ever before.

anaX carried out one more
test to check the size and shape of the output pulse from the circuit she had
just repaired. As she had expected, it was just right. She plugged the circuit
back into its holder and switched on the grav field. It worked first time. She
carried out a few more basic checks and then switched it off to conserve
energy. She sat back in her seat, thinking and smiling.

She found herself thinking
fondly of LEP. When all was said and done he was really very sweet. It would be
such a shame to have to blow him up.

*

Jeremy went to retrieve the
brick he had thrown at Henry. As he stooped to pick it up he suddenly found
himself surrounded by the other Benjaminites. He looked up, startled, wondering
where they had come from. They did not look very pleased.

“We saw that,” said Randolph, looking the least pleased of all.

“Saw what?” asked Jeremy
innocently, trying to hide the brick behind his back.

“We saw you throw that brick
at Henry.”

“What me?” asked Jeremy, even
more innocently than before.

“Yes, Jeremy. You.”

Randolph
glared at Jeremy. Jeremy
looked innocently back. Then Jeremy suddenly lost his innocent look and
shrugged. “So what,” he said. “It was only Henry after all.”

“Yes,” agreed Randolph. “It was only Henry. But that means you can insult him, abuse him verbally, and
order him about. It does not mean – I repeat – it does not mean that you can
throw bricks at him. Understand?”

“I was practising,” said
Jeremy in his defence. “And besides, I missed.”

“Practising? Practising for
what?”

“For the humans. I need to
practise so that I can kill them with my brick. They need to be destroyed
before they destroy the Universe!”

“Jeremy. You are not to throw
bricks – or anything else, for that matter – at the humans.”

“But they are The Dogs.”

“You are not to throw bricks,
or anything else, at the humans,” repeated Randolph patiently.

“Is that an order?”

“Yes,” said Randolph, nodding
solemnly.

“Well I don’t take orders.
I’m a Master, not a Dog. Those humans are The Dogs. And I now have the proof
that I sought. I can now make thee believe that I speak in accordance with the
words of Benjamin. I will open your minds to the Wisdom of the Wise. I will...”

“Please,” said Randolph.

Jeremy looked at him.
“Listen,” he said. “I have spoken to them. Or rather, I have spoken
at
them. Shouted at them. I told them – nay, ordered them – with all the authority
of a Master, I ordered them to die. And do you know what they did?”

“Surprise me.”

“They ignored me and ran
away. Ran like the cowardly dogs that they are. There. That’s surely proof
enough. It is as Benjamin the Wise said it would be. It is as he predicted. It
is in accordance with his prophecies.”

“It is no such thing,” said Randolph.

Jeremy looked at him in
horror as though Randolph had just uttered the ultimate blasphemy. “It is in
The Book,” said Jeremy. “Read The Book and ye shall know.”

“I wrote The Book,” said Randolph, shaking his head slowly. “I think I should know what’s in it.”

“Ah, but do you? What makes
you think you can interpret Benjamin’s prophecies correctly? I have read them
all. It’s all there. It’s all in The Book, for all to see. Now, if you’ll
excuse me, I’ll just go and kill The Dogs.”

“You will do no such thing,”
said Randolph, preparing to restrain him physically if necessary.

“But I must! It has been
willed of me. I have to do what is Wrong in order to do what is Right. It is as
it is, for the Purpose of Being, for the Good of the Species.”

Jeremy waited for the others
to offer the traditional response, but, as none did, he made it himself, “In
the Light of the Dark.”

The other Mamms merely stared
at him wordlessly.

He stared back, convinced
they were seriously pondering his words.

“Are you convinced that I
speak of The Word?” he asked them at last.

Randolph
gave a slight cough. “Not
just yet, Jeremy,” he said.

“Well aren’t you at least
going to take a vote on it?”

Randolph
looked at the others, but
they were all shaking their heads at him. “Maybe later,” he said at last. “We
will go to the humans and we will test them. We will see if they really are The
Dogs.”

Jeremy was beside himself
with impatience. “But time could be running out! They may already be preparing
the Universe’s destruction. We have to act fast!”

“Everything in good time.”

“We will test them and then
we will kill them?”

“Only if there is no doubt
that they are The Dogs.”

“There is no doubt.”

“There is in our minds,
Jeremy. And there are more of us than there is of you.”

“Ah, but there’s one
important factor that you’re not taking into account.”

“And that would be?”

Jeremy paused before making
his dramatic revelation. “Because I am the Chosen One,” he said, playing his
trump card. “Did you not realize that?”

“No,” said Randolph calmly.
“The thought never once crossed my mind.”

“Well, let it cross it now.
For I am the Chosen One.”

“According to who?”

“According to me. And I must
be right for I am the Chosen One.”

Randolph
sighed deeply. “Have you any
proof for this claim?”

“Proof?” asked Jeremy
exasperated. “What’s this thing you have about proof, Randolph? It’s like an
obsession with you. If everyone went about proving everything they said and
did, no one would ever get anywhere.”

“What proof have you that you
are the Chosen One?” persisted Randolph patiently.

“The fact that I’m right.”

“Right about what?”

“About being the Chosen One.”

Randolph
shook his head slowly. “Your
line of reasoning is not entirely convincing,” he said.

“Aha!” exclaimed Jeremy.
“More proof! I am the Chosen One for Benjamin said that the Chosen One would be
widely doubted and disbelieved!”

“He said no such thing,” said
Randolph with a sigh.

“There! You doubt me again.
That’s proof enough for me. I am the Chosen One.”

*

fluX had stopped abruptly and
stood transfixed to the spot, staring palely into the distance.

jixX looked back and then,
more than a little reluctantly, went back to see what the matter was.

“Mein Gott,” fluX was saying.

“What’s up?”

“THE DOGS!”

“And?”

“Ze end of ze Universe.”

“Unscientific mumbo jumbo,
you said.”

“Ya, I know zat is vot I
said. But can’t you see ze significance?”

jixX glanced at the receding
figures of Chris and sylX as though reaching out for help. He turned back to
fluX. “No, I think I must be missing something.”

“Ze quantum word number! Ze
quantum word number!”

jixX looked blank.

“I explain it to you already.
GOD has a quantum word number of 26. DEVIL is twice that at 52. What’s the
quantum number for THE DOGS?”

jixX gave an expansive shrug.

“Sink, man, sink!” pleaded
fluX looking more agitated than jixX had ever seen him. “T is twenty, H is
eight,...”

“Yes, yes. I remember that.”

“If you add it all up it
comes to 78. Vich is exactly
three
times ze number of letters in ze
alphabet!! So zey are all multiples of twenty-six: 26, 52 and 78. One times,
two times, three times.”

“Yes...?” started jixX
cautiously.

“So GOD is Number One,” said
fluX, counting the numbers on his fingers. “The DEVIL is Number Two and THE
DOGS are Number Three. One creates the Universe, Two messes with it, and Three
destroys it! See how it all fits?”

“But...”

“Zat is not coincidence, my
friend. Zat is hugely significant. Zis discovery has stunned me to ze core. I
sink we are in great danger, captain, and must leave this loony planet and its
loony aliens as soon as ve can.”

Chapter 4

But
then again
,
thought anaX as she sat in the deep-space survival module, perhaps I shouldn’t
blow LEP up after all. He
is
quite cute. She put her hands behind her
head and leaned back, musing for a while, debating what to do. To continue with
the Cause, or to abandon her mission?

It was a difficult decision,
but suddenly she leaned forward. She had made up her mind. She would be
staying.

She checked her watch. There
were still three and a half hours before the neutrino bomb was due to detonate.
So, she had plenty of time to deactivate it. No rush.

 Then she thought of the
risks – the bomb’s anti-tampering devices, the laser-rifle, the trembler-switch
– and nearly changed her mind. How good a likeness would the bomb’s image of
her be? She knew she didn’t photograph well. Would it recognize her?