The Unloved (16 page)

She wore her hair pulled back into a ponytail and had on a light blue jacket with a hood two sizes too big and a pair of ripped-kneed jeans. I smiled at the sight of her, and then noticed the way she bit her bottom lip and fidgeted with her fingernails as she walked.

“Jules, hey!” I called out to her, hoping she’d stop and acknowledge me if only for a moment. I was freaking hopeless.

She paused mid-step and waved at me slightly. “Hi.”

I slung the rag I’d been holding onto the driveway and jogged across the street to where she stood. “What are you up to today?”

“I’m headed somewhere right now, actually, so I can’t really talk,” she said like always.

It seemed like she could never talk to me. Why did she always try to brush me off? I wanted her to let me in again. I wanted her to look at me. I wanted to know that she was all right. It was clear that she was breathing, she was standing right in front of me, but a lot of people breathing were still dead inside. I needed to know that she wasn’t, and if she was, I needed to know how I could help fix her.

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

JULIE

Nick’s closeness warmed me on the inside. I’d forgotten how nice it felt to be in his presence, but I wouldn’t let myself forget the reason why I’d put up these walls between us or why I’d blocked myself off from him. How could I forget? Every time I closed my eyes since that night I was reminded of how dirty I was. How tarnished. And I wouldn’t allow him to taint himself being with me. I wasn’t worthy, not of him.

“Where? Can I drive you?” he asked so earnestly. I hated to turn him down again, but he didn’t need to go where I was. It was bad enough he’d set me up with Brian, my mom’s new dealer I’d had to find her; I didn’t need him taking part in transactions with me.

“No. I don’t want to interrupt what you were doing with your car over there,” I said, not meeting his stare because I wasn’t in the mood to see the pity in his eyes that always seemed to appear whenever he looked at me lately.

He sighed and shook his head. “All right.”

I hated making him angry. I hated always having to push him away, but when would he realize that he could do better than me? I was broken and polluted. Couldn’t he see that? Didn’t he understand that I was saving him from winding up like me, from me brushing off on him, from me dragging him down? His life had gotten so much better over the last month, mine hadn’t. If he hung around me, I’d only remind him of his past and how horrible his life used to be…never allowing him to fully move forward.

“I have to go. Thanks for the offer, though.” I started walking without looking back because I knew that if I did, I’d see the hurt I’d caused in his features.

~

I met Brian at the gas station a few streets over. It was the place where he always picked me up and dropped me back off. Leaning against the rickety table that sat out front while I waited for his blue Blazer to pull into the parking lot, I thought about Nick. Tears pricked my eyes; he’d never given up on me even while I buried myself in my grief and allowed depression to swallow me whole.

Brian’s Blazer pulled up and I walked to the passenger side and slid in. The tangy scent of his cologne hit my nose and mixed with the faint aroma of a long-ago burned joint.

“How’s it goin’?” he asked with a slow smile.

“All right.” I smiled in return.

“Good.” He shifted into reverse and backed out of our parking space.

I watched the muscles in his hand grip and loosen around the gearshift and smiled. My eyes made their way back to Brian’s face, and I took in the slight dimple that always seemed to remain in his right cheek whether he was smiling or not. His light brown hair fell over his eyes and he shook his head to move it smoothly, effortlessly, out of the way, his hand never leaving the gearshift. I liked Brian; the more time I spent with him the more I realized this was true.

Guilt pressed on my chest and an image of how I’d left Nick, standing at the corner of my driveway, flashed through my mind. Maybe the reason I allowed myself to like Brian so much and so easily was because he didn’t know what had happened to me, which meant he didn’t look at me with pity swirling in his eyes. Not like Nick did. Another reason: To Brian I was just a girl who liked to buy pills and smoke pot every once in a while. I wasn’t the trailer trash chick from Hilton Street. I wasn’t the daughter of a stripper. I was just Julie.

“Do you have time to take a toke off the blunt roach in the ashtray?” Brian asked. There was the reason why I could smell pot in his car.

“Sure.” I smiled. I’d found I was better at pretending what happened with Vincent hadn’t when I was high.

“Cool.” Brian grinned, the movement making his dimple deepen. “Oh, groceries are in the backseat, as usual.”

I turned around and reached for the plastic grocery bag in the backseat. Brian had to be the smartest drug dealer I’d ever met, not that I’d met too many, and minus the blunt roach in the ashtray at the moment. He’d bought this canister that looked like a container of original style breadcrumbs you’d buy at the grocery store. It even sounded like there were some inside to further conceal what the contents actually were—his drugs. Looking at it you’d never know the bottom screwed off and revealed a hollow compartment inside. I thought it was probably the cleverest thing I’d ever seen. He said he’d bought it at one of those head shops sort of like Spencer’s about a year ago.

I opened the plastic shopping bag in my lap and dug through the boxes of instant potatoes and canned food until I found the breadcrumbs. My heart always beat a little faster in my chest when I did this exchange with Brian, but it was something I had to do, because mom made me. I’d been the reason she’d lost Vincent, her cheapest hook up. She didn’t know how, but she figured I’d been the cause of her ignored phone calls and unanswered messages. I denied it, but it didn’t matter. Not to her. I’d had to find her a new one, pay for half of her pills with my money from the ice cream shop, and handle all of the dealings myself.

The same little baggie of blue Xanaxs fell into my lap along with a baggie of white pills I’d never seen before, and a few individual bags of pot.

“What are these?” I asked, holding up the baggie of white pills.

“Sleeping pills. I got them from my grandma. I have to take meals to her a few times a week for my mom, so while I’m there I always riffle through her medicine cabinet. I looked those ones up online; they’re 10 milligram Ambeins. It took me almost two months to get that little bag full.”

“Is that where everything comes from, your grandma?” I asked, suddenly sickened with the fact that I was buying pills stolen from a little old lady who actually needed them for something.

“Nah, I also volunteer at Hastings’s Nursing Home twice a week.” His eyes shifted away from the road for a brief moment to glance at me. “You look disgusted with me right now.” He chuckled.

I stared at the pills in my lap and shrugged. “I’m not,” I lied.

“You’re not a great liar. Has anyone ever told you that?” He didn’t wait for me to respond, instead he began explaining himself. “I don’t take the stuff that they need for pain, only the stuff they’re using for nerves or sleep aids.”

“That’s good.” I flashed him a small smile. At least he was conscious of what he was taking. In some twisted way it made what he did seem a
little
better.

“So what’s your poison this week?” Brian asked, nodding to what rested in my lap as he turned into a long gravel driveway surrounded by trees and shifted into park.

“A little of both types of pills,” I said. Xanax for mom because it was her favorite, and the sleeping pills for me because I could use a non-nightmarish night of sleep for once.

“All right, here, hit this while I count you out some. You do want the normal amount, right?” he asked, handing me the brown blunt roach.

“Yeah.” I nodded, happy with this week’s purchase. I’d finally be getting some sleep tonight.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

NICK

I drove around, headed to nowhere in particular, to clear my mind. I hated how distant Jules and I had become. The thought that maybe she was upset with me over that night, either for not being there like I should have been or for smashing in Vincent’s face, tossed around in my mind. So did the thought that maybe she was just angry with herself. Then I decided the reason for her coldness didn’t matter; all that mattered was where we were right now and how much I hated it.

I stopped for some gas at the old Exxon station down the street from my house, pulling in right beside Blake.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked as I stepped out to pump.

Blake nodded. “Not much, getting ready to pick up Emily for a movie. If I don’t pump the gas before picking her up, she’ll take it as an insult or something.” He chuckled.

“Ouch. You’re pretty damn brave to be with that one. She’s got too much attitude for me.” I laughed.

“Watch it, bro. That’s my lady you’re talking about.” He grinned.

I shook my head and that was when I saw it pull in, a blue Blazer. My eyes never left it as it parked and idled in its spot. The passenger side door slung open, pushed by a dainty hand attached to a blue clothed arm. My heart rate spiked as I watched Jules begin to descend from Brian’s Blazer, oblivious to me standing there. She paused, one leg out the passenger door and one leg in and spun back to face Brian. There was a smile on her face. I hated Brian for being able to make her smile like that when I couldn’t.

“Hey, man, sorry about her. Who would have thought you two wouldn’t have worked out? With all the history Emily told me that’s between you guys, I figured y’all would last,” Blake said.

I turned my head away from Jules and back toward where my money slowly rolled into my gas tank. “Sometimes shit doesn’t work out the way you plan. They call it life,” I muttered, the words tasting bitter in my mouth.

“Well, dude, I’m out. I can’t keep Emily waiting. Call me or something tomorrow,” Blake said, his pity ringing clearly in his words.

“Will do,” I replied, hanging the nozzle back up. While I replaced my gas cap I watched Jules, waiting for the moment when she’d finally get out of Brian’s Blazer. What could they have to talk about anyway?

“I’ll see you around,” she said, slipping out of the seat and waving. I cursed under my breath for ever hooking her up with him as her mom’s new dealer. I should have just done all the transactions myself. Why had I just now thought of that?

Brian wasted no time in backing out of his parking space and leaving in the opposite direction. I twisted my gas cap once more and watched as Jules went inside the station. Anticipation burned through me; maybe I could finally give her a ride in my car.

Jules was toward the back of the store when I walked in. I noticed her scouring the bottles of soda and headed toward her.

“Hey,” I said and laughed when I saw her jump.

She put a hand to her chest and let out a long breath. “You scared the crap out of me! What are you doing here?”

Her eyes met mine for the first time in I didn’t know how long and I noticed they were glossy and bloodshot. Jules was stoned. My jaw tightened at the thought of her smoking with Brian and him taking advantage of her or something. Didn’t she think about this? Especially after what happened with Vincent?

“I needed some gas,” I said, my irritation clinging to my words.

Jules grabbed a Cream Soda and started past me. “Oh.”

“So, do you want a ride home?” I asked, trying to refrain from asking her what the hell she’d been thinking getting high with Brian.

“Sure,” she said, stopping behind a man dressed like a trucker.

When it was her turn Jules set her soda on the counter and began digging through her front pocket until she pulled out a crumbled five dollar bill. I folded my hand around hers and said, “Keep it.” Then paid for my gas along with her drink.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she insisted, opening her soda and taking a long swig as we walked to my car.

“I wanted to,” I muttered.

“So, this is your new car, huh?” she said, sliding into the passenger side. “I’ve seen you working a lot on it lately.”

“Yeah, well apparently my dad takes care of his cars about the same way he takes care of his kid—he beats it up,” I said, cranking the engine. She sure was talkative. This was the most we’d talked in weeks; it sucked she had to be stoned to do it.

Jules glanced around at the interior. “I like it.”

“Thanks.” I waited until I’d pulled away from the station before I said anything about her being high. “So, you were hanging out with Brian, huh? You buy anything off him or just get stoned with him all afternoon?”

She glared at me and I shifted my gaze to hers for a brief moment to let her know how pissed I was seeing her so chummy with him. Normally I thought her eyes were beautiful, even when she cried; they always turned this gorgeous bright hue of green. Right now, though, they were the brightest I’d ever seen them due to the red clouding the whites, and all they made me feel was anger.

“Why is that any of your business?” she snapped, never taking her eyes off me.