The Unloved (17 page)

“Because, I don’t want to see you get hurt again,” I said through clenched teeth as memories of finding Vincent on top of her flooded my mind.

“Brian isn’t Vincent,” she said, as though reading my mind.

“He’s still a user. You don’t know if he’ll have a weak moment and try to force himself on you.”

“You’re the one who introduced me to him, Nick, remember? And he’s not like that, I know.” She leaned her head against the window and I sighed, feeling like I’d managed to push her away even more.

“How? How can you be so sure?” I asked, suddenly not caring if I pissed her off any more than I already had because I was concerned about her. And slightly jealous, if I were being honest.

“Why do you even care?” she muttered softly, and I cast a quick glance at her.

“Because I didn’t think that by giving you the space you seemed to want you’d end up filling it so damn easily by spending time with someone else!” I seethed. It was the truth, and while I finally had her talking to me, while she’d finally let me in some, I didn’t hesitate in saying it. This was my chance to get through to her, even if I had to be a dickhead about it.

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

JULIE

The tremor in Nick’s voice stabbed at my heart. It was a reminder of how much he cared about me, but also of how much I wished he didn’t.

“Don’t think of it that way, Nick; it’s not like that at all,” I said softly.

“Isn’t it, though?” he countered, his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel now.

I shook my head. “I have to spend time with him and you know why. You know I have to get my mom her stupid fucking pills.”

I couldn’t help the anger that leaked into my words any more than I could help the way knowing Nick felt just as tortured as I did by us not being together hurt me. Still, it didn’t change anything. He was better off without me in his life, and I just prayed that he realized this soon because him continuously pursuing me was taking its toll. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could fight against my heart and win.

“Tell me what it’s like then, Jules. Enlighten me. Please.”

I sighed, not wanting to do this. The buzz I had was wearing off and I liked having it, it was my escape for the day from my mind, my thoughts, my reality. “Stop, just drop it.”

“Not going to happen. Fucking enlighten me, Jules. Tell me that you don’t find it easier to spend time with Brian than me.” His words sounded so cold.

“I’m not going to say that.”

“Why not? TELL ME, JULES, SAY IT!” Nick shouted, banging his palm against the steering wheel.

“Shut the fuck up, Nick!” I shouted back.

“Why, because you know it’s true?” he pushed further.

“Yes, all right! It’s easier to be around him because he doesn’t know me like you do,” I spat, unbelieving I’d said the words aloud.

“There, how fucking hard was it to be honest?” The heartache etched into his words was hard to miss. I’d hurt him and I hated myself for it.

“This is why I didn’t want to say anything to you about it, because I hate seeing you hurt,” I whispered.

“Welcome to my world then. I’ve watched you hurt for weeks, but the difference between our situations, there’s not a damn thing I can do to help it go away for you.”

“Stop caring so much.” It was more of a plea than anything. If he’d just stop caring, then I could be free. Free to lose myself in drugs, alcohol, run away, end my life if I could find the guts to. Free and nothing more.

We were one turn away from being on our street when Nick cut to the right and parked his car in the ditch, cutting the engine. He shifted to face me and I could feel the heat of his stare without having to meet his eyes to see they were burning. I knew the brown would look like liquid gold and the green would appear florescent.

“How could you ask that? I will
never
stop caring about you. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” he asked.

My eyes pooled with tears. No one had ever fought to keep me close to them so hard before.

“Things would be so much easier if you did,” I whispered, afraid my voice would crack and I’d begin sobbing if I spoke any louder.

He shook his head and shifted his gaze back out the windshield. “I don’t get you. I don’t understand how me not caring would make anything easier.”

“Because then you could move on. Your life has gotten so much better since you moved back. The only thing that holds you back is me.”

“What? Why would you think that? Why would you think that you, of all people, would hold me back from anything?” he asked, his eyes flaring with confusion.

“Because I’m broken now more than I ever was. I’m fucking unfixable, dirty, damaged, tainted, worthless, whichever name you want to use, that’s me. That’s what I am. I’ll never be whole, Nick, never. Not now. So don’t waste your time with me,” I said, finally telling someone out loud exactly how I felt about myself. It didn’t feel as good as I’d thought it would.

Nick’s eyes widened. “Stop it, damn it! Stop beating yourself up for what happened with Vincent because it wasn’t your fault. Stop beating yourself up for the life you were born into and
let me in, Jules
. Let me care for you, let me
love you
…because I do, Jules. That’s why I refuse to stop caring,
I love you
.”

My heart pounded as his last words hung in the air between us, and I shut my eyes in an effort to block them out, to shield myself from the power of them. “How? How could you love me when I’m such a mess?”

I didn’t wait for his answer; instead I opened the passenger door and climbed out when I couldn’t hide from the impact his words had on me anymore or from the words that bubbled to the surface of my mind in response. The words I’d waited for too long to say. The words that would change everything.

“Wait!” Nick was out the driver side door in an instant. “Don’t run away from me!”

Ignoring him I started speed walking, but I didn’t get far because Nick managed to block my way.

“I love you, Jules. Even with all of the baggage that you claim comes with you, even with all of the shit that you’ve been through. You’re not a reminder of my past, not a stain or a scar that won’t let me forget…you’re my sunshine. A reminder that with you by my side I can get through even the darkest of my nightmares. Our childhood was proof of that, Jules. We were the unloved—you by your mom and me by my dad—and now it’s our time to finally
be
loved.” His hands gripped my waist and pulled me in closer to him. “Let me love you, Jules; that’s all that I’m asking.”

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

NICK

I let out the breath that I’d been holding. I’d waited for months, years if I was honest, to say those words to her. Now that I finally had, I prayed she’d say them back.

“I love you too, Nick,” I heard her whisper as soon as she allowed her body to soften against mine and she buried her head in my chest.

I closed my eyes tight and fought back tears of my own as my lips twisted into a victorious smile. She loved me. Jules had said that she fucking
loved me
.

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

JULIE

I rushed around my room, searching for my red jacket with the large black buttons. I’d finally decided I wasn’t going to wear a sweater tonight and now my sweaters were all I could find. I picked up my cell and glanced at the clock—
shit, already 6:37!
I was supposed to be across the street at Nick’s house almost forty minutes ago.

A red sleeve caught my eye in the mirror above my dresser and I spun to glance under my bed and retrieve it. My cell vibrated across my dresser and I grinned knowing it would be Nick wondering where I was. The cell phones had been his idea. He’d used some of the money he had saved to buy himself a car before his dad had given him his and bought us each a prepaid cell phone. It gave him peace of mind knowing that he could always check up on me and I always had a way to call him if I needed a ride. It gave me a warm heart because it reminded me that there was one person in this world who truly cared about me deeply.

I snatched the phone up and answered a little breathlessly, “Hey, I’m headed over there right now.”

“All right, just wanted to make sure you weren’t standing me up or anything,” Nick said.

“Nope, just running a little behind.”

“That’s fine; the turkey’s almost ready. Those things take forever to cook! No wonder people only cook them once a year.”

I grinned. “I can imagine. I’ll be right over to help with anything else you have left to do.”

“Okay, see you in a minute, love you,” he said.

“I love you, too.” I smiled, truly meaning every word as I pressed end.

I jogged down the stairs and came to a halt when I nearly smacked right into my mom at the bottom.

“Where are you rushing off to on a school night?” she asked with a slur of her words.

I couldn’t tell if it was from too many pills or the alcohol she’d been sipping since ten o’clock this morning. Either way she was sloshed and I knew the only reason why was because that dickhead boyfriend Dwayne had finally dumped her like I knew he would. This was what she was like during the in between boyfriend stages, a drunken mess.

“It’s Thanksgiving and I’m going to Nick’s house to eat with his mom and him,” I said as I maneuvered around her.

She muttered something, but I couldn’t make it out. I walked out the front door without asking her to clarify or responding. I shoved my hands into the warm pockets of my jacket. Tiny snowflakes floated to the ground around me. It was bitterly cold, but I loved it. This was when I felt closest to nature, when everything was stripped bare and all was exposed. Nature in its purest, most fragile, venerable form. There were no leaves protecting the trees, no flowers to put up a colorful front. Everything was just raw.

I knocked once I reached Nick’s door and waited. It swung open, revealing Nick’s smiling face. I leaned in for a quick kiss and noticed the bouquet of flowers clasped in his hand—white calla lilies. I silently wondered how much these had cost him to buy out of season. Flowers had never really been my thing; I never understood why girls went gaga over something that would die within a few days, but I smiled anyway.

“What? You don’t like them?” Nick asked, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion as he saw through my forced smile. “I thought every girl liked flowers.”

“No, I do, I like them,” I assured him with a wider smile.

He rolled his eyes. “No, you don’t. I can see it in your eyes, you hate them.”

I sighed. “I don’t hate them; I just don’t understand why guys give girls flowers, of all things, to confess their love.”

“Well, that’s not what these are for. I’ve already confessed my love to you.” He grinned. “I just figured you’d like them and I’d get a smile out of you, maybe even a thank you.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

My grin grew. “You did get a smile.”

“Yeah, but not a real one.”

Nick motioned for me to come inside and I did. The aroma of turkey cooking in the oven mixed with various other foods hung heavy in the air and it was like walking into heaven. Warmth flowed through the house and I enjoyed the feel of it on my skin as it slowly replaced the cold that had seeped through from the walk over.

“So, I have to ask, what is it that you have against a guy giving a girl flowers?” Nick asked with a smirk.

“Seriously?” I raised an eyebrow at him. Wasn’t it obvious why?

“Seriously.”

“Well, think about it for a minute. A guy tells you that he loves you and then turns around and buys you flowers…or worse, tells you that he loves you
with
flowers. Cut flowers die. They die in a few days after being cut…and this is what you guys choose to use as proof of your love? Something that dies in a few days? To me it seems like foreshadowing or something, like your basically saying that our love is beautiful but only for a limited time and then it will wither away to nothing like your flowers.”

Nick stared at me, dumbfounded. “Who thinks like that? Wow, I get what you mean, but dang.”

“I’m a live plant kind of girl.” I winked.

“Live plants, huh? Why, because it symbolizes our love growing more each day?” he asked playfully.

“That’s right.” I leaned in and pecked him on the lips before walking into the kitchen to see if his mom needed help cooking anything.

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

NICK

Dinner had been amazing, but what I’d liked most about Thanksgiving this year was seeing the two most important women in my life happy. My mom was unbruised and smiling. And Jules was sitting beside me, holding my hand beneath the table, and trying to eat one armed just like me, because I liked to think that neither of us could bear to let the other go.