The Velvet Rage (28 page)

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Authors: Alan Downs

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It was here, in this small mobile home in a forgotten Native American village on the shores of the Rio Grande, that I touched something I had always known but not always remembered. It was those moments of clarity that sometimes arose in sessions with clients where out of the pain of their anxiety and chaos, a newer understanding of the self emerged. I experienced moments of quiet joy and contentment seeing my clients grow and find relief from the weariness and pain that had plagued many of them since they were young children. It was the same experience
I had known while sitting bedside with AIDS patients a decade earlier. This time, however, I was different. The years of running from shame had changed and broken me, and this time I was determined to hold on to what I had found. At forty years old, I finally had some certainty about who I was and what I wanted in life. Hope was slowly returning.
Up to this point, my life had bounced between three failed relationships with life partners, numerous moves between cities, and persistent uncertainty about being a therapist, a business executive, a management consultant, and a writer. As I look back, I can see myself grasping for something of substance and meaning, but never really knowing what it was. I kept grasping, not realizing that the problem was inside me, as was the solution, and not in trying the next new job opportunity, city, or even handsome man that crossed my path. It wasn't until I was twenty years beyond the normal years of adolescence that I finally began to emerge as a man.
As I look back and try to describe for you what was so different for me now, it was finally accepting that joy in life comes not from our successes, but from how we live life. It isn't about those Prada shoes I was so proud of, or whether I worked in a posh Beverly Hills office or a run-down mobile home. Those things had very little to do with what makes me feel joy: The smile on the face of a mother who finally has her son back from the dark pit of heroin addiction or the couple that begins to see a way to reunite their love after betrayal and heartbreak when they never thought it possible. Walking my dog beside the ocean. The touch of a man who loves me honestly and whose face betrays the contents of his heart rather than just his physical beauty. The voice of a good friend when we haven't talked for days, or watching
him belt out a show tune on YouTube. These things bring me joy and make me content.
In the years since those days on the pueblo, I have written more books and even become the CEO of a well-known residential treatment center, but through it all I remained focused on my quiet joy and never ventured too far in my career from the therapy room where two people meet to share a moment of authentic honesty and compassion. For me, it is my sanctuary and my joy. At times I have grown weary, but I have never tired of the therapeutic encounter. Here, in this place, is my passion.
So many gay men that I work with struggle, as I did, with being Peter Pan. They are talented, competent, and motivated, but they are also stuck in an emotional adolescence. They make money, create a beautiful life full of friends and lovers, and eat dessert as if it were the main course. Some are HIV-positive, but many are not. It seems that HIV, when it is present, often acts as a mere catalyst to the growing problem that is already within us.
My journey into manhood, while uniquely my own, turned out to not be all that different from every man's quest—straight or gay—to become an authentic man. What is common in my life with many other gay men is that the normal development into emotional manhood that should have happened during the second decade of life often doesn't happen until much later, if it happens at all. Many of us live in a delayed adolescence that persists for decades until we learn the critical skills that allow us to traverse the passages between adolescence and manhood.
The traumatic effect of growing up in a world where we must hide the truth of our strongest feelings causes our development to stall. We aren't able to have a normal adolescence where we experiment with who we are and receive the critical reflection of
those around us that helps us to create a secure identity. Instead, we must hide, presenting to the world a fabricated version of ourselves until the day that we are free to express our sexuality and step out of the closet of shame. For so many of us, the experience of truly coming out comes too late, and the impact on our identity formation is profound. We are left floundering, with undeveloped internal guides that, should they have been allowed to develop, would have guided us toward discovering our passion and a stronger sense of ourselves.
It took the better part of two decades for the Peter Pan in me to grow up and become a man. During that time, there were fits and starts, progress and setbacks. The process of emotionally maturing—discovering the authentic nature of ourselves—happens slowly over time. It is an important process, however, if we are to ever experience lasting contentment in life. Contentment, it seems, is the one thing that remains just out of the reach of an adolescent.
There is one other insight that I learned along the way that has had an immeasurable impact on me. It is, quite simply, that my life changes as I practice certain skills I've learned that increase joy in my life. In other words, there's no big “ah-ha” moment, no must-read book, no teacher I must find. What makes a measurable difference in my life is when I practice—meaning “do”—certain things that are likely to improve my life and increase my contentment. Likewise, when I don't do these things (I like to call them “skills”), my inner peace and joy are diminished.
Many of the skills I have learned are not unique to me and have come to me from a variety of places. One of the more significant places where I learned these skills was in my own training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT taught me that love, joy, contentment, fulfillment, passion—virtually all the
good things in life—come to us because we practice what we know works. The secret to life isn't an idea—it's a behavior. You must
do,
not just
think about
, what is likely to bring you joy and peace.
As I'm often asked by audiences, How does a gay man get to the place where he no longer struggles with compensation from shame and is able to live consistently in authenticity? It is here, in the learning and practicing of life-changing skills, that we are transformed from being emotional adolescents who struggle to find some lasting contentment into men who are grounded in themselves, at peace, and fulfilled.
Suffering isn't a precursor for change, despite what my own story may imply. My struggle brought me to a teachable moment in life where I could finally learn to practice skills that would improve my life. You don't have to take the same road. At any point that you are willing and ready to start practicing, you can begin. Each of us makes a choice in each moment how our lives will unfold. I invite you to consider making a change for the better.
Notes
CHAPTER 1
1
Ackerman, Robert.
Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men.
Fireside: New York, 1993, p. 101.
CHAPTER 5
1
Vidal, Gore.
Palimpsest
. Random House: New York, 1995, p. 24.
CHAPTER 11
1
Angelou, Maya.
A Song Flung Up to Heaven
, pp. 159–160.
CHAPTER 12
1
LeDoux, J.E., Romanski, L., Xagoraris, A. (1991). Indelibility of subcortical emotional memories.
Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience
1:238–243.
2
Gurvits, T.G., Shenton, M.R., Hokama, H., Ohta, H., Lasko, N.B., Gilbertson, M.W., Orr, S.P., Kikinis, R., Jolesz, F.A., McCarley, R.W., & Pitman, R.K. (1996). Magnetic resonance imaging study of hippocampal volume in chronic, combat-related posttraumatic stress disorder.
Biological Psychiatry
40:1091–1099.
Acknowledgments
Abby Braun, Ph.D.
Don & Eunice Downs
Marnie Cochran
Cedar Koons, LISW
Kristina Lindstrom
Donna McCoy, Ph.D.
Nesha Morse, Psy.D.
Santa Fe DBT Consultation Team
Susan Schulman
Steven Sugarman
 
A special thanks to all my clients who have been willing to share their lives with me. You are my greatest teachers.
Index
Abandonment
blaming self for
as devastating
emotional
by parents
physical
as reaction to failure
as relationship trauma
sexual
and shame
terror of
Abuse
as emotional
as physical
as relationship trauma
as sexual
substance
See also
Childhood sexual abuse
Acceptance
of the body
heals betrayal
of others
of own sexuality
of reality, with forgiveness
resolves crisis of meaning
of self
Ackerman, Robert
Addiction.
See
Process addiction
Adolescence
awareness of differences
with contentment out of reach
shame preventing healthy development
Adolescent men
Adoration
Adult violent sex
Affection of parents
Aging
depression linked to
vs. dying
phobia about
vs. youth
AIDS.
See
HIV-positive
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
Alcoholism
Ambivalence, acceptance of (skill)
Ambivalent relationships
Anger
and denial of sexuality
vs. rage
in vicious cycles
Anonymous sex
Anti-gay activities
Anxiety
Approval, winning of
with creativity
with excellence
need for
with sensitivity
through helplessness
validation relating to
Attention of parents
Authenticity
with honesty as bedrock
living skills for
resolves crisis of meaning
See also
Cultivating authenticity as stage three
Avoidance
of abandonment
of cues that trigger shame
of invalidation
of rage
of shame
as vicious cycle
Behavior
changes due to skillful practice
creating joy
criminal
defaulting to forgiveness
defensive
outrageous
process addiction
shame in first relationship
suicidal
walking away from distress
See also
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Betrayal
deception of
as deliberate act
emotional woundedness from
healing depending on acceptance
infidelity as
rationalization for
relationship trauma, hopelessness
and toxic shame
Betty Lynne (author's cousin)
Biological effects of trauma
Bisexuality
Blame
of self for being abandoned
in vicious cycles
Bob Newhart Show
television program
Body, respect for and acceptance of
Borderline Personality Disorder
Boys
engaging in homophobic verbal attacks
gay
straight
Caretakers
Casual sex
CBS's
Sunday Morning
television program
Change
in actions
in mood
in ourselves
Childhood experiences, insight into
Childhood sexual abuse
adult violent sex caused by
consequences of
criminal behavior linked to
deliberate self-harm linked to
disorders linked to
emotions of
of gay men
substance abuse linked to
suicidal behavior linked to
Children
adopted
cruelty of
expectations of
rejecting
as taunting, teasing
truth hidden from
Christian Science Monitor
newspaper
Clinton, Bill
Closet
coming out of
going into
Coming out
Compensating for shame as stage two
depression and suicide
end of
with flaws
as internal process
invalidation, validation
outrageous behavior
resolving identity crises
with sexual encounters
and toxic shame
validation junkies
as vicious cycles
See also
Shame
Compounded shame
avoidance
as primary emotion
and rage
triggers of
See also
Shame
Compulsion, sex as
Conflicts
diffused with pseudo-apologies
speaking to offender first
taking responsibility
Consequences
of childhood sexual abuse
of process addiction
of relationships
Contempt before investigation
Contentment
from counseling HIV patients
from how life is lived
as life goal
in stage three
through integrity, core values
through love
through passion
Control, sex used for
Corporate executioner
Corporate Executions: The Ugly Truth About Layoffs
(Downs)

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