The Velvet Rage (28 page)

It was here, in this small mobile home in a forgotten Native American village on the shores of the Rio Grande, that I touched something I had always known but not always remembered. It was those moments of clarity that sometimes arose in sessions with clients where out of the pain of their anxiety and chaos, a newer understanding of the self emerged. I experienced moments of quiet joy and contentment seeing my clients grow and find relief from the weariness and pain that had plagued many of them since they were young children. It was the same experience
I had known while sitting bedside with AIDS patients a decade earlier. This time, however, I was different. The years of running from shame had changed and broken me, and this time I was determined to hold on to what I had found. At forty years old, I finally had some certainty about who I was and what I wanted in life. Hope was slowly returning.

Up to this point, my life had bounced between three failed relationships with life partners, numerous moves between cities, and persistent uncertainty about being a therapist, a business executive, a management consultant, and a writer. As I look back, I can see myself grasping for something of substance and meaning, but never really knowing what it was. I kept grasping, not realizing that the problem was inside me, as was the solution, and not in trying the next new job opportunity, city, or even handsome man that crossed my path. It wasn't until I was twenty years beyond the normal years of adolescence that I finally began to emerge as a man.

As I look back and try to describe for you what was so different for me now, it was finally accepting that joy in life comes not from our successes, but from how we live life. It isn't about those Prada shoes I was so proud of, or whether I worked in a posh Beverly Hills office or a run-down mobile home. Those things had very little to do with what makes me feel joy: The smile on the face of a mother who finally has her son back from the dark pit of heroin addiction or the couple that begins to see a way to reunite their love after betrayal and heartbreak when they never thought it possible. Walking my dog beside the ocean. The touch of a man who loves me honestly and whose face betrays the contents of his heart rather than just his physical beauty. The voice of a good friend when we haven't talked for days, or watching
him belt out a show tune on YouTube. These things bring me joy and make me content.

In the years since those days on the pueblo, I have written more books and even become the CEO of a well-known residential treatment center, but through it all I remained focused on my quiet joy and never ventured too far in my career from the therapy room where two people meet to share a moment of authentic honesty and compassion. For me, it is my sanctuary and my joy. At times I have grown weary, but I have never tired of the therapeutic encounter. Here, in this place, is my passion.

So many gay men that I work with struggle, as I did, with being Peter Pan. They are talented, competent, and motivated, but they are also stuck in an emotional adolescence. They make money, create a beautiful life full of friends and lovers, and eat dessert as if it were the main course. Some are HIV-positive, but many are not. It seems that HIV, when it is present, often acts as a mere catalyst to the growing problem that is already within us.

My journey into manhood, while uniquely my own, turned out to not be all that different from every man's quest—straight or gay—to become an authentic man. What is common in my life with many other gay men is that the normal development into emotional manhood that should have happened during the second decade of life often doesn't happen until much later, if it happens at all. Many of us live in a delayed adolescence that persists for decades until we learn the critical skills that allow us to traverse the passages between adolescence and manhood.

The traumatic effect of growing up in a world where we must hide the truth of our strongest feelings causes our development to stall. We aren't able to have a normal adolescence where we experiment with who we are and receive the critical reflection of
those around us that helps us to create a secure identity. Instead, we must hide, presenting to the world a fabricated version of ourselves until the day that we are free to express our sexuality and step out of the closet of shame. For so many of us, the experience of truly coming out comes too late, and the impact on our identity formation is profound. We are left floundering, with undeveloped internal guides that, should they have been allowed to develop, would have guided us toward discovering our passion and a stronger sense of ourselves.

It took the better part of two decades for the Peter Pan in me to grow up and become a man. During that time, there were fits and starts, progress and setbacks. The process of emotionally maturing—discovering the authentic nature of ourselves—happens slowly over time. It is an important process, however, if we are to ever experience lasting contentment in life. Contentment, it seems, is the one thing that remains just out of the reach of an adolescent.

There is one other insight that I learned along the way that has had an immeasurable impact on me. It is, quite simply, that my life changes as I practice certain skills I've learned that increase joy in my life. In other words, there's no big “ah-ha” moment, no must-read book, no teacher I must find. What makes a measurable difference in my life is when I practice—meaning “do”—certain things that are likely to improve my life and increase my contentment. Likewise, when I don't do these things (I like to call them “skills”), my inner peace and joy are diminished.

Many of the skills I have learned are not unique to me and have come to me from a variety of places. One of the more significant places where I learned these skills was in my own training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT taught me that love, joy, contentment, fulfillment, passion—virtually all the
good things in life—come to us because we practice what we know works. The secret to life isn't an idea—it's a behavior. You must
do,
not just
think about
, what is likely to bring you joy and peace.

As I'm often asked by audiences, How does a gay man get to the place where he no longer struggles with compensation from shame and is able to live consistently in authenticity? It is here, in the learning and practicing of life-changing skills, that we are transformed from being emotional adolescents who struggle to find some lasting contentment into men who are grounded in themselves, at peace, and fulfilled.

Suffering isn't a precursor for change, despite what my own story may imply. My struggle brought me to a teachable moment in life where I could finally learn to practice skills that would improve my life. You don't have to take the same road. At any point that you are willing and ready to start practicing, you can begin. Each of us makes a choice in each moment how our lives will unfold. I invite you to consider making a change for the better.

1
Ackerman, Robert.
Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men.
Fireside: New York, 1993, p. 101.

1
Vidal, Gore.
Palimpsest
. Random House: New York, 1995, p. 24.

1
Angelou, Maya.
A Song Flung Up to Heaven
, pp. 159–160.

1
LeDoux, J.E., Romanski, L., Xagoraris, A. (1991). Indelibility of subcortical emotional memories.
Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience
1:238–243.

2
Gurvits, T.G., Shenton, M.R., Hokama, H., Ohta, H., Lasko, N.B., Gilbertson, M.W., Orr, S.P., Kikinis, R., Jolesz, F.A., McCarley, R.W., & Pitman, R.K. (1996). Magnetic resonance imaging study of hippocampal volume in chronic, combat-related posttraumatic stress disorder.
Biological Psychiatry
40:1091–1099.

Abby Braun, Ph.D.
Don & Eunice Downs
Marnie Cochran
Cedar Koons, LISW
Kristina Lindstrom
Donna McCoy, Ph.D.
Nesha Morse, Psy.D.
Santa Fe DBT Consultation Team
Susan Schulman
Steven Sugarman

 

A special thanks to all my clients who have been willing to share their lives with me. You are my greatest teachers.

Abandonment

blaming self for

as devastating

emotional

by parents

physical

as reaction to failure

as relationship trauma

sexual

and shame

terror of

Abuse

as emotional

as physical

as relationship trauma

as sexual

substance

See also
Childhood sexual abuse

Acceptance

of the body

heals betrayal

of others

of own sexuality

of reality, with forgiveness

resolves crisis of meaning

of self

Ackerman, Robert

Addiction.
See
Process addiction

Adolescence

awareness of differences

with contentment out of reach

shame preventing healthy development

Adolescent men

Adoration

Adult violent sex

Affection of parents

Aging

depression linked to

vs. dying

phobia about

vs. youth

AIDS.
See
HIV-positive

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)

Alcoholism

Ambivalence, acceptance of (skill)

Ambivalent relationships

Anger

and denial of sexuality

vs. rage

in vicious cycles

Anonymous sex

Anti-gay activities

Anxiety

Approval, winning of

with creativity

with excellence

need for

with sensitivity

through helplessness

validation relating to

Attention of parents

Authenticity

with honesty as bedrock

living skills for

resolves crisis of meaning

See also
Cultivating authenticity as stage three

Avoidance

of abandonment

of cues that trigger shame

of invalidation

of rage

of shame

as vicious cycle

Behavior

changes due to skillful practice

creating joy

criminal

defaulting to forgiveness

defensive

outrageous

process addiction

shame in first relationship

suicidal

walking away from distress

See also
Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Betrayal

deception of

as deliberate act

emotional woundedness from

healing depending on acceptance

infidelity as

rationalization for

relationship trauma, hopelessness

and toxic shame

Betty Lynne (author's cousin)

Biological effects of trauma

Bisexuality

Blame

of self for being abandoned

in vicious cycles

Bob Newhart Show
television program

Body, respect for and acceptance of

Borderline Personality Disorder

Boys

engaging in homophobic verbal attacks

gay

straight

Caretakers

Casual sex

CBS's
Sunday Morning
television program

Change

in actions

in mood

in ourselves

Childhood experiences, insight into

Childhood sexual abuse

adult violent sex caused by

consequences of

criminal behavior linked to

deliberate self-harm linked to

disorders linked to

emotions of

of gay men

substance abuse linked to

suicidal behavior linked to

Children

adopted

cruelty of

expectations of

rejecting

as taunting, teasing

truth hidden from

Christian Science Monitor
newspaper

Clinton, Bill

Closet

coming out of

going into

Coming out

Compensating for shame as stage two

depression and suicide

end of

with flaws

as internal process

invalidation, validation

outrageous behavior

resolving identity crises

with sexual encounters

and toxic shame

validation junkies

as vicious cycles

See also
Shame

Compounded shame

avoidance

as primary emotion

and rage

triggers of

See also
Shame

Compulsion, sex as

Conflicts

diffused with pseudo-apologies

speaking to offender first

taking responsibility

Consequences

of childhood sexual abuse

of process addiction

of relationships

Contempt before investigation

Contentment

from counseling HIV patients

from how life is lived

as life goal

in stage three

through integrity, core values

through love

through passion

Control, sex used for

Corporate executioner

Corporate Executions: The Ugly Truth About Layoffs
(Downs)