The War Within (10 page)

“That’s nothing new.”

“Aren’t you afraid what she might do?”

“If I live my life in fear, I’m not really living, am I?”

Robinson looked at her as if daring her to disagree.

“Is there a problem here?”

Lt. Col. Daniels’s voice in her ear made Meredith jump. “Ma’am. No, ma’am,” she said, barely resisting the urge to salute.

“I’m happy to hear that.” Lt. Col. Daniels glanced from Meredith to Robinson and back again. “I’m glad you came, Meredith.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“Relax, lieutenant. In here, it’s just Billie.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Lt. Col. Daniels squeezed Meredith’s elbow the way she always did when she tried to instill confidence in one of her charges. She released her grip and turned to Robinson. “Are you okay, Nat?”

“Yeah, Billie, I’m just peachy.”

Lt. Col. Daniels flashed one of her rare smiles. “In that case, enjoy your evening.” She returned to her date, who had begun to pout in her absence.

“Shall we get a table?” Robinson asked. “I’m sure your dogs are barking after walking around all night in those shoes.”

Yet again, Meredith marveled at how well Robinson seemed to know her. “I can’t keep anything a secret from you, can I?”

“Nope. So I’d advise you not to try.” Robinson ordered two beers from the bartender, and placed the mugs on a vacant table near the small dance floor.

Meredith took a sip of her beer and tried not to make a face when it turned out to be as warm as Robinson had warned her it would be.

“How was your date?” Robinson asked.

“Lois talked a blue streak, and Steve and his friends had way too much to drink, but George was nice. We made plans to go out again sometime.”

“I see.” Robinson watched two women hold each other close as they swayed to the music. Meredith had worked with both women briefly in Okinawa, but she had no idea they were romantically involved. Both had mentioned having boyfriends back home and had the pictures to prove it. Why should she have doubted them? How many other women did she know who had told similar stories that weren’t true? She tore her eyes away from the pair when Robinson asked, “Why did George let you wander the streets alone?”

“He didn’t. I mean, he doesn’t know I’m gone. I sneaked out of the hotel without telling him I was leaving.”

“Hotel?” Robinson frowned. “I knew the two of you were getting close, but I didn’t know you were together.”

“Like I told you back at base, tonight’s our first date. We’re not sharing a room or anything. He’s across the hall from me.”

“Oh.” Robinson’s posture seemed to relax the slightest bit. She always sat and stood so ramrod straight, it was hard to tell.

“I spotted you on the street while the group was deciding which bar to hit next. I tried to say hello, but George stopped me because you were on your way here, and he didn’t want anyone to see you. He told them we were going to check into a hotel room, but he simply wanted to get away from everyone so he could have a chance to explain. Everyone will assume he and I slept together tonight, but he hasn’t laid a finger on me.”

“Yet.” Robinson folded her arms on the table. Meredith had never noticed how large her hands were. Her own looked dainty in comparison. “Where are you staying?”

Meredith ceased her examination of Robinson’s short, blunt nails and long, tapered fingers. “The Lotus Blossom.”

“At least he chose a place that’s out of the way. Most of the guys in our unit end up in the Regency at the end of the night so everyone knows exactly where they are and exactly what they’re up to. There’s no need to brag about your conquests when your friends can practically watch you in the act.”

Meredith had seen the dilapidated hotel while she and the others were walking around. The structure was located within stumbling distance of the most popular bar in town. A steady stream of GIs and civilians were beating a path to its doors.

“What did George want to explain?” Robinson asked. “Why he and I have a bad habit of being attracted to the same women?” She took another sip of her beer. Meredith waited her out, waiting for her to explain what she meant. “He used to have a huge crush on Kerry because she gets as excited about cars as he does.”

“He didn’t mention her, but he said the rumors about you are true.”

“They are true.” Robinson reached for the book of matches resting on the table. The name of the bar was printed on the back of the matchbook, right above the strike stripe. On the front was an illustration of a woman in a top hat and tails. The woman was beautiful and handsome at the same time. She reminded Meredith of someone she knew. She reminded her of Robinson.

“How did George find out about you?”

Robinson lit a match and watched it burn. “I told him.”

Meredith was taken aback. She thought Robinson’s sexuality was a secret. Apparently, the secret was an open one. She watched the dancing flame edge perilously close to the tips of Robinson’s fingers. “Have you told anyone else on base? Besides the LTC, of course.”

“No.” Robinson tossed the match into an ashtray, where the flame winked out and died, leaving a thin trail of smoke behind. “I’m crazy, but I ain’t stupid.” Her Southern drawl grew thicker as the night wore on.

“If someone found out, I’m sure the LTC would do everything in her power to protect you.”

“She couldn’t protect me without exposing herself. I wouldn’t ask her to put herself at risk to save my sorry ass.” Robinson pocketed the book of matches. Meredith had never seen her smoke, but she could easily imagine her gallantly lighting a cigarette for a woman who did.

Meredith watched as Lt. Col. Daniels and the blonde climbed a flight of stairs in the back of the bar.

“There are rooms upstairs for people who want to be alone,” Robinson said without waiting for Meredith to ask for an explanation.

“Oh.” Meredith’s heart raced as she imagined Lt. Col. Daniels and the blonde getting to know each other better. Emboldened by her surroundings, she asked, “How does it feel when a woman touches you? Kisses you? Does it feel like when a man does it?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“You haven’t been with a woman?”

“No,” Robinson said with a laugh. “I haven’t been with a man.”

“So you’re a virgin?”

“Not by a long shot. Are you?”

“No.”

“What was his name?”

Meredith’s thoughts turned to high school once more. “Tommy Coughlin. We did it in the backseat of his car after a sock hop during senior year.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“I guess.”

“I’ll take that as a no.” Robinson leaned forward in her seat as if she wanted to make sure Meredith didn’t miss a word of what she was about to say. “When a woman kisses you, she makes your toes curl. When she touches you, she sets your skin on fire. And when she makes you come, your body explodes.”

Meredith swallowed hard, rendered speechless by the force of Robinson’s words and the images they evoked.

“Did Tommy Coughlin make you feel like that?”

Meredith leaned back in her chair to give herself more room. Robinson felt too close. Physically and emotionally. She needed distance, but Robinson wasn’t giving it to her.

“Did he?”

Tommy’s hands had been clammy, he had kissed like he read the instructions in a how-to manual, and the whole desultory experience had lasted less than two minutes. Meredith had been left wondering what all the fuss was about. Would it be better with George, or was she destined to go through life feeling vaguely unfulfilled? Looking into Robinson’s eyes, she found her voice.

“Let’s just say I like your story better.”

“So do I.”

Robinson glanced toward the stairs, where another couple was disappearing into the darkness.

“Do you have a room up there?” Meredith asked.

“I didn’t come here tonight looking for sex. I came here so I could stop hiding for a while.”

“I can’t imagine you hiding from anyone or anything. I admire that about you.”

Robinson shifted in her seat. She looked slightly uncomfortable. As if she weren’t used to receiving compliments.

“Perhaps hiding is too strong a word,” Robinson said. “I come here when I want to feel like I’m part of a group, not segregated from one.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Do you?” Robinson raised her eyebrows, her expression a mixture of doubt and what looked like hope.

“Yes, I do.”

Meredith had felt segregated earlier tonight. She still did. She didn’t belong with Lois and her friends. She didn’t belong here. Perhaps she didn’t belong anywhere.

She remembered something George had said before they left the base. He had said he joined the Army hoping to see the world and had gotten stuck in one part of it. She didn’t want to get stuck. She didn’t want to spend her life spinning her wheels. Perhaps Robinson could help her find traction. Whenever Robinson looked at her, though, she felt anything but sure-footed. She felt like she had been cast adrift in a powerful and unpredictable tide.

Robinson was looking at her now. Waiting for her to answer a question yet to be asked. A question she didn’t know how to pose, let alone respond to.

“Which hotel are you in?” she asked in an effort to end the lingering silence.

“None. I’m staying with a friend.”

“Is she here?” Meredith looked around the room. “I’d love to meet her.”

Robinson cocked her head. “Why?”

“I want to see what kind of woman you find attractive.”

“It seems to me you want to see a lot of things tonight.” Robinson’s expression was inscrutable, but the look in her eyes left little to the imagination. “Huynh isn’t that kind of friend. And you’re the kind of woman I find attractive. But I think you already know that, don’t you?”

She reached under the table and slid her hand down the back of Meredith’s calf. Meredith gasped at her touch. She tried to pull away, but Robinson tightened her grip.

“Relax. I know you want this.”

She lifted Meredith’s legs, draped them across her lap, and slipped off her shoes, the infernal pumps Meredith wished she had left on the shelf. Then she began to massage Meredith’s sore feet.

“Does that feel good?”

Meredith closed her eyes and slumped in her chair as she finally felt herself begin to relax. She sighed in contentment as Robinson’s fingers kneaded all the right spots. “I’ll give you five hours to stop what you’re doing.”

“There’s a reason lesbians always wear sensible shoes. So we don’t experience this kind of torture.”

Meredith smiled as her head lolled against the back of her chair. “Score one for your side.”

Robinson stiffened when the door opened, but her tension dissipated when the new arrivals revealed themselves to be two local women who were obviously a couple instead of a group of MPs on a raid. Robinson said she could be herself here, but how could she possibly enjoy herself when she couldn’t stop jumping at everything that moved? She was like an animal being hunted. She was the prey and everyone outside this room was a predator. How could she possibly hope to triumph over such impossible odds?

At least Robinson wasn’t fighting this particular battle alone. Meredith could feel everyone’s anxiety grow with each new arrival and wane when the newcomer turned out to be a friend instead of a foe. She felt the group paranoia begin to seep into her as well. She suddenly remembered where she was. And who she was with. If someone saw her here, how would she explain her presence? Would anyone believe she was just visiting?

She couldn’t get over the irony of the situation. The military would give her a medal if she killed an enemy combatant, disown her if she was caught simply having a drink in a bar filled with women who preferred the company of other women. She didn’t make the rules, but she had agreed to live by them. She abruptly straightened, pulling her legs out of Robinson’s lap.

“Thank you for the massage.”

“Would you like to dance?” Robinson asked.

Meredith slipped her feet back into her shoes and looked at her wordlessly. If she said yes, would she be agreeing to a simple dance or something much more complex? She didn’t have time for complications.

“I should go.”

Robinson downed the rest of her beer and pushed her chair away from their circular table. She held out her hand as a wistful country song began to play and the dance floor began to fill. “Come on. It’s Patsy Cline. They play Patsy Cline in Nebraska, don’t they?”

Meredith listened to the opening strains of one of the late singer’s signature ballads. She felt as crazy as the lovelorn woman Patsy was pretending to be. Only she wasn’t pretending. Or was she?

She took Robinson’s hand and followed her to the dance floor. Robinson made space for them in the crowd of couples and turned to face her. When Meredith put her hands in position, Robinson chuckled softly.

“This isn’t Nebraska, Goldilocks. I think you’d better let me lead.”

She placed one of Meredith’s hands on her shoulder and gripped the other in hers. Then she placed her other hand in the small of Meredith’s back. Their bodies were almost close enough to touch.

Meredith felt an odd sensation low in her belly. A strange combination of tension, curiosity, and excitement. She liked it.

As Robinson guided her in slow circles, Meredith could feel her strength. When Robinson pulled her closer, she could feel her heat. She didn’t think twice when the urge came to rest her head on Robinson’s shoulder. Instead of fighting it, she succumbed.

She listened to Robinson sing the song’s lyrics in an alto that was nearly as rich as Patsy’s. She watched the women around her whisper declarations of love as they slowly twirled in the dark. She felt her thundering heart begin to slow. And she wondered if she had finally found a home. Was this where she belonged? In this place with this woman, now and forever?

The lights flashed twice in quick succession and Robinson cursed under her breath. “Shit.”

“What’s happening?” Meredith asked as scores of women began to rush for the nearest exit.

Robinson released her. “It’s a raid. That signal means the police are at the door. Probably a few MPs, too.”

“The military doesn’t have jurisdiction here, does it?”