The War Within (14 page)

Meredith slowly nodded as the missing pieces of a challenging puzzle fell into place. “When I saw him the next day, he said he’d heard we had a close call the night before. I thought he was talking about the bombing at the Regency. Maybe he was talking about the raid at Suzy’s instead.”

“Did he know you were there?”

“No one does.”

“Do you wish you hadn’t gone?”

“No, I’m glad I did. I had a delightful time with you that night. You’re a wonderful dancer.”

The words felt funny until she saw how good they made Robinson feel.

“Why haven’t you been back? Kerry keeps asking about you,” Robinson said hurriedly as if to make it clear her question wasn’t prompted by her own ulterior motives but someone else’s. “I think she has a bit of a crush.”

“You asked me not to come back. You said I didn’t belong there, remember?”

“Perhaps I was wrong,” Robinson said with a wistful smile. “It wouldn’t be the first time.” She shoved her hands in her pockets as if she didn’t know what to do with them. “Did you tell George you went to the bar?”

“No, and I feel like I’m keeping something from him. I want to tell him because I don’t want there to be secrets between us, but I don’t know if he’d understand why I went after you that night.”

“Why did you come looking for me?”

“Because I wanted to be with you.” Meredith almost whispered the words. It was the first time she had ever said them out loud. She still wasn’t sure what they meant. Weeks after the fact, nothing about that night made sense. She doubted it ever would.

Robinson chuckled. “Yeah, I doubt your boyfriend would understand you wanting to be with someone else.”

Meredith swung her leg behind her and tapped Robinson on the butt with the side of her boot. Laughing, Robinson returned the favor and darted out of reach before Meredith could retaliate. Meredith ran after her, enjoying feeling like a kid again. The trip back in time proved all too brief. Robinson quickly grew serious when two people Meredith didn’t know drew near. Meredith felt the same anxiety emanating from her she had sensed that night in Suzy’s. Robinson couldn’t afford to let down her guard, even in an area that was supposed to be considered safe.

“When Steve and I talked,” Meredith said after the couple passed by without incident, “he smiled at me like a card shark with an ace up his sleeve.”

Robinson nodded, seeming to agree with her assessment. “All I know is, I trust him about as far as I can throw him.”

“I’m beginning to feel the same way about Lois.”

“With friends like her,” Robinson said under her breath, “who needs enemies?

“Have you been hiding from her and Steve? Is that why I haven’t seen much of you lately?”

Robinson’s eyebrows knitted as her features formed into a fierce scowl. “My daddy taught me not to run from anything. He told me to stand my ground and fight for what I wanted, no matter the size of the competition.”

Meredith heard the edge that had crept into Robinson’s voice. She felt the heat of her rising fury.

“Lois can run her mouth all she wants. I’m not afraid of her, Steve Johansson, or anything they might try to do to me.” She took a breath. “I haven’t been around much because I’ve been trying to help Brenda Washington get settled in.”

“Do I know her?”

“You should. She’s the nurse all the brothers have been fighting over. The one who looks like she should be trading lines with Sidney Poitier instead of emptying bedpans.”

Meredith hadn’t spent much time with any of the nurses outside her unit. Their faces and names ran together in her mind.

“Have you been seeing her?”

“Yes.”

Meredith felt the unexpected sting of jealousy.

“But not in the way you think. She got posted here the same time you and I did. She went swimming her first day and someone made a crack about draining the pool so he could scrape the tar out of it. She tried not to show it, but I could tell she was hurt by what happened. I wanted to make sure the assholes who said what they did hadn’t broken her spirit.”

The Army had been integrated for years, but Meredith hadn’t failed to notice most of the varied ethnic groups that comprised its ranks tended to stick together. Leave it to Robinson, in many ways an outsider herself, to cross the color lines.

“You should have said something. I would be happy to help.”

“No need. She’s fine now. She recently started seeing a guy in Alpha Company. She doesn’t need me anymore. I could use your help with something else, though.”

“Those are words I never thought I’d hear cross your lips.”

“Am I that bad?”

“If I hear ‘I got it’ or ‘I can do it myself’ come out of your mouth one more time, I’ll scream.” They shared a laugh that felt ten times more real to Meredith than the ones any movie could have produced. “Seriously. What do you need me to do?”

“We’re coming under fire back home from protestors who think the military is made up of a bunch of baby killers. USARV thinks we could use some good publicity. A few of us are heading out on a sortie this Sunday to provide medical care to some of the people in the surrounding villages. We’re going to slap on some Band-Aids and hand out a few lollipops. Basic PR stuff. Nothing too taxing. Right now, the team is composed of me, Lt. Col. Daniels, four medics, another nurse, a war correspondent from the
Washington Post
, and eight infantrymen tasked with guarding our safety. We’re going to take a chopper out and drop in on five or six villages. The LTC’s going to be in command of the mission. Women aren’t often put in charge of male soldiers, so I want to make sure nothing goes wrong. If the mission goes sideways, I want to make sure no one can try to pin the blame on her.”

“Is that where I come in? I don’t see how I could make a difference.”

“You could make all the difference in the world. You were incredible in Saigon at the Regency bombing. You stayed calm and kept your head despite your own injuries. You already had my respect, but I think you earned the guys’ admiration that night. That’s the kind of person I want on the chopper with us. We’ve got two nurses—three, if you count the LTC—but we could use one more. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have by my side than you. If the LTC can push the updated orders through in time, would you like to come?”

Meredith thought about the beggars she’d seen in Saigon. The innocent people who had lost everything after wayward bombs destroyed their homes. The ones trapped in a vise between the Western military and the Vietcong. Theirs were the real faces of war. They needed her help just as much as if not more than the soldiers did.

“If you need extra incentive, the LTC is authorized to grant each person who participates three days of in-country R&R at Vũng Tàu. And the best part is, it won’t count against our thirty days of annual leave.”

In-country R&R, brief reprieves spent along the South Vietnamese coast, were normally granted solely to men who had earned Soldier of the Month or similar accolades for their service on the front lines. To bestow women with such an honor was unheard of, which meant either the Army was hard up for good publicity or someone in HQ thought the mission would be hairy. Both were probably true, one more so than the other.

“R&R sounds good,” Meredith said,” but I don’t need a reward to coerce me into doing the right thing. I’d love to help.”

“Good.” Robinson looked sheepish. “Because I already told Billie you said yes.”

“You stinker.” Meredith smacked her on the arm. “What would you have done if I’d said no?”

“If I thought you’d turn me down, I never would have asked you the question.”

“Isn’t that stacking the deck?”

“I prefer to call it hedging my bets.”

Robinson smiled like a mischievous child. Meredith liked catching a rare glimpse of the playful side of her personality. All too often, Robinson kept her at a distance. Except for one night in Saigon when they had ventured much too close. After that night, she had fled to the safety of George’s arms. What would happen if she left their embrace?

In the changing room, she and Robinson peeled off their sweat-dampened olive drab uniforms. She told herself to avert her eyes like she did when she and the other nurses changed into or out of their scrubs, but when Robinson unhooked her bra and slipped off her white cotton panties, she couldn’t turn away. Their frames were different, but their bodies were the same. Smooth muscles formed from months of basic training and years of strenuous work. Hands roughened from constant washing and exposure to disinfectants. Feet calloused from long hours spent making rounds in sick wards with precious little opportunity to sit for more than five minutes at a time.

How could they be so different when so many things about them were so similar?

After they had swum several laps, Meredith draped her arms across a lane divider. “When did you know?”

Robinson joined her in the middle of the pool. “When did I know what?” she asked, swimming in place.

Out of habit or self-preservation, Meredith looked to see who might be listening. But they were safe here. No one else was around. She was finally free to ask the one question she had never dared.

“When did you know you preferred women to men?”

The words felt foreign on her tongue. Like a language she was learning to speak but hadn’t mastered.

Robinson moved closer. She assumed a position identical to Meredith’s but on the opposite side of the divider. Her elbow was just inches away, erasing the vast distance that had once gaped between them.

“I struggled in school when I was a kid because I hated to read. I’m the kind of person who would rather do something than read about it. When I was ten years old, one of my teachers gave me a dog-eared copy of a Nancy Drew book for my birthday.
The Secret of the Old Clock
, it was called. I remember being disappointed at first. I felt like you do when you unwrap a Christmas gift and find out you’ve received underwear and socks instead of the toy you’d asked for. When I saw the beautiful girl on the cover, I felt something stir inside me.”

Robinson’s accent grew thicker as she grew more comfortable with her subject. Her gentle drawl made Meredith long for a porch swing and a glass of iced tea. Her warm voice provided a stark contrast to the cold water. Her eyes had lost their patented intensity. Her gruff exterior had disappeared. The hard planes of her face had softened. The woman inside the soldier had finally risen to the surface. Meredith had never seen her look so striking.

They had known each other for months, but Meredith felt as if they were meeting for the first time. “You’re lovely,” she wanted to whisper, but she settled for, “Tell me more.”

Robinson chuckled as if recalling a fond memory. “I ran home, locked myself in my room, and read the whole book before Mama got supper on the table. When I discovered it was part of a series, I had to have all the other books, too. I saved my allowance each week and bought a book each time I had enough money in reserve.” Robinson rested her head on her folded arms. The faraway look in her eyes held Meredith spellbound. “Nancy’s best friend in the early books was Helen Corning. I used to imagine I was Helen riding around in Nancy’s roadster helping her solve mysteries. Then the writers stuck Helen in a corner somewhere, Nancy fell in love with Ned Dickerson, and I was heartbroken on two counts. Years later, I met a woman who made me realize I didn’t have to imagine the life I wanted. I could live it. That’s what I’ve been doing ever since. Living my life the way I want to live it, not how somebody else thinks I should. Someday, if I’m lucky, I’ll find someone to share my life with.”

“What kind of person are you looking for?”

“Someone like you.” Robinson’s gaze was unblinking. “A woman who is as smart as she is beautiful, and as tough as she is tender. A woman who isn’t afraid to follow, but also knows how to lead.”

Goosebumps formed on Meredith’s skin as she remembered following Robinson’s lead on the dance floor at Suzy’s. When everything she had believed about herself at that point had been revealed to be a lie. She trembled from the realization.

“Are you cold?” In fact, Meredith had never felt so warm, inside or out. Robinson briskly rubbed her arms, raising her body temperature but clouding her thoughts. “To tell you the truth, I’ve had enough exercise for one day. I don’t know who was worse today, the doctors or the patients, but all of them drove me to distraction. We can get out if you want. We still have time to see the rest of the movie if there are any seats left.”

“I don’t care about the movie. I want to stay right here with you.” Robinson’s eyes darkened as Meredith swam closer. “I want to kiss you. Will you let me?”

*

October 1, 1967

Xom Que

In the mess hall two days later, Meredith ate in silence while she listened to George list all the reasons why she shouldn’t be boarding a chopper bound for Xom An Loc in less than an hour. After stops in Đồng Xoài, Ap Bau Bang, Tân Uyên, and Xom Que, she and the rest of the team would return to base several hours later. If, that is, they didn’t run into resistance along the way.

“It’s too dangerous,” George said. “I’m not letting you go.”

“Orders are orders. I can’t disobey them any more than you can.”

He sighed in obvious frustration. “You might not care whether you live or die, Meredith, but I do. I’m not going to sit here and let you put your life at risk without putting up a fight.”

“I’m putting my life at risk simply sitting here having chow. Haven’t you heard what happened at Charlie’s last night?”

George looked off into the distance. “Yeah, I heard.”

Details were still filtering in, but the news wasn’t good. Last night, an explosion had leveled Charlie’s. Dozens were hurt, nine were killed, including Charlie, U’ilani, and the person believed to have planted the bomb—Tran. The Millers’ chef and trusted friend had turned out to be an agent for the VC.

“Tran’s cousin Phat was stopped outside the gate this morning. Steve said Phat had enough C4 strapped to his body to blow up this whole base.”

“See? It doesn’t matter where I go, George. As long as we’re in this country wearing these uniforms, the war will always find us.”