The War Within (13 page)

“Are you still in contact with the other women you served with?” she asked.

“Most of them, yes.”

“Why did you and Robinson lose touch?” Jordan couldn’t imagine severing ties with someone who obviously meant so much.

“When I got back to the States, I followed the war’s progress for a while, but life eventually got in the way. Your mother came along, and you know how needy she can be.”

“Tell me about it. And if you say, ‘Like mother, like daughter,’ I’ll smack you.”

“My lips are sealed.”

“I hope not. I’m enjoying hearing about your adventures in Vietnam.” Jordan turned on the windshield wipers as she drove into a rain shower that had seemingly sprung up out of nowhere. “Looking at the map, Jekyll Island doesn’t seem very big. Robinson shouldn’t be too hard to find. Where did she used to live?”

“Her family had a house on the south end of the island, but I don’t know if she or it is still there.”

“You haven’t Googled her or looked her up on Facebook?”

Grandma Meredith pursed her lips. “People of my generation prefer the phone book to Facebook.”

“I will drag you into the twenty-first century if it kills me. Did you find a listing for her in your obsolete resource?”

“The number I had for her is disconnected and her new one is unpublished.”

“Amateur. Give me five minutes on a computer with a good WiFi connection and I’ll find her for you.” Jordan glanced at a sign that said Jekyll Island was seventy miles away. So close. One more hour and they’d be there. She couldn’t wait for the interminable drive from Wisconsin to end, but she wanted Grandma Meredith’s story to go on forever. “Robinson really had the hots for you, didn’t she?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way.”

“How else would you put it? Would you prefer if I said she had feelings for you instead? Same difference. She flat out told you she was attracted to you and she gave you a foot massage when you wore the wrong shoes on your date with Papa George. A foot massage. Do you know what an intimate gesture that is?”

“You forget I used to give sponge baths to complete strangers.”

“True that. If the stranger was hot enough, I’d whip out my little sponge and a bar of soap in a heartbeat. Feet are different, though. Feet are icky. I can barely bring myself to touch my own. As for someone else’s, forget about it.”

“Then I guess you aren’t planning on changing your major to podiatry any time soon.”

“Ha, ha.”

Jordan had changed her major three times before she finally declared what she hoped would be the one that stuck. She still had a chance to graduate on time, but senior year wasn’t going to be pretty. Perhaps she should forget about working this summer. She needed to have some fun before she spent the next nine months stuck in class all day and studying in the library at night. She could use the money, but she could use a few good laughs, too. If she was lucky, maybe she, like Grandma Meredith, would have a night to remember forty years after the fact.

“Man, I wish I could have seen the look on Robinson’s face when you walked in Suzy’s all big and bad like you owned the place. Talk about jaw-dropping.”

The first time she had ventured into a gay bar, she had been intimidated by people who were so much more comfortable with themselves than she was at the time. By the end of the night, however, she had been overwhelmed by the acceptance of strangers who had been so willing to welcome her as one of their own.

“My entrance was hardly worthy of accolades. You’ve been watching too many romantic comedies.”

“No, I haven’t. I’ve been listening to yours. Though I guess it’s less of a romance than an epic drama with moments of comic relief. What’s it like to star in your own version of
From Here to Eternity
?”

“Not as fun as it sounds. I didn’t see Montgomery Clift or Burt Lancaster running around anywhere.”

“Forget them. Give me Deborah Kerr or Donna Reed instead.”

They shared a laugh, but the sound quickly died in Jordan’s throat. She rubbed her chest with the heel of her hand. The more distance she put between herself and Brittany, the more her heart ached. A girl she cared about and thought she loved had dumped her with an explanation that had provided more questions than answers.

She tried to tell herself she was upset now simply because the hottest chick on campus was no longer in her bed, but the attempt at levity made her think Brittany’s crack about her being shallow might be more accurate than she cared to admit.

She was not her family. Yes, Grandma Meredith and Papa George had served, but she had no desire to follow their lead. Yet she couldn’t deny she loved hearing Grandma Meredith recount her experiences during the war. Did that make her a hypocrite? Did it mean Brittany was right? Was she running away from who she was by pretending to be someone she wasn’t? Was she a lemming mindlessly following the herd, or was she acting of her own free will?

She felt like Grandma Meredith when she was laid up in the infirmary. All she could do was think. And she didn’t like the places her mind was going.

She regarded her reflection in the rearview mirror. There was only one way out of the funk she was in, and it didn’t involve reading a self-help book or wallowing in self-pity. She needed to replace one hot chick with another. If she found a willing beach bunny to pass the time this summer, all her problems would be solved. Or at least temporarily forgotten.

If she had to choose between forgetting and facing the facts, she’d choose forgetting every time.

September 29, 1967

Long Binh Post

Robinson slipped into the back of the theater near the end of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Meredith spotted her while Bugs was complaining about making yet another wrong turn at Albuquerque. The movie was about to start, and the theater was filling up fast. Seats were at a premium. Standing alone in the semi-darkness while everyone else huddled with friends, Robinson scanned the crowded room for a place to sit.

Meredith watched Robinson take on her current mission the way she did the ones that were much more serious—with her usual intensity. Her jaw was set, her posture was perfect, and her eyes were so bright they were like a twin set of spotlights shining in the dark.

Robinson’s eyes were like napalm. Meredith felt like her skin was on fire every time Robinson turned those eyes in her direction. She had never felt anything like it. She wanted to embrace it. She wanted to run away from it. Instead, she had chosen to ignore it. How much longer could she go on pretending Robinson was nothing more than a colleague and trusted friend?

“Shove over.” Lois nudged Meredith with her hip, trying to get her to take up as much space as possible. “I don’t want her sitting next to us.”

Meredith’s first instinct was to comply with Lois’s request, but she resisted. She and Robinson had been on separate shifts for weeks. They had seen each other only a handful of times since they’d arrived in Long Binh, and hadn’t spent any real time together since she’d been released from the infirmary. Meredith had missed her. She hadn’t realized how much until now.

She whistled sharply to get Robinson’s attention. Robinson’s head whipped around as if an alarm had sounded and she needed to get to the air strip to offload wounded soldiers from an incoming chopper. Meredith made room on the narrow wooden bench and waved her over. Robinson nodded and began to walk toward her.

Lois elbowed her in the ribs. “What are you doing?” she asked in a fierce whisper.

“George has guard duty tonight and you’re going to sneak out to meet Steve in the armory as soon as the movie starts. I don’t want to sit by myself for two hours like a knot on a log if I don’t have to.”

“But what will people say if they see us fraternizing with her?”

“Who’s going to say anything? The only person doing any talking is you.”

Lois looked at her, examining her face. Then her own face twisted into a mask of contempt. “I don’t know what George sees in you.” Lois bolted out of her seat and looked down at her. “You don’t want to cross me, Meredith.” Her tone was ominous. So were her words. “I could make life very difficult for you and your girlfriend.” She brushed past. When she reached the aisle, she gave Robinson a wide berth. “You can have my seat,” she said icily. “I was just leaving.” She turned to give Meredith a pointed look before she stalked up the aisle.

Robinson squeezed into the space Lois had vacated. “Is she off to get nekkid with Steve in their love nest in the armory?” she asked, her accent thicker than ever.

“How did you know about them getting naked?”

Robinson smiled at her as if she were a child who had just made an adorable mistake. “Get it right, Goldilocks. When you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on. When you’re nekkid, you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to something. Those two are definitely up to something.”

“Yes, but how did you know? Lois hasn’t told anyone what she and Steve are up to except the women in our hooch. We can’t afford to keep secrets from each other because we’ve all had to cover for each other from time to time.”

“Did you tell her where you were the night the Regency was bombed in Saigon?”

“Of course not.”

“Then you obviously know how to keep a secret. You should tell Lois to try harder to keep hers. This base is like a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business. Gossip travels fast.”

“Point taken,” Meredith said.

Lois hadn’t had anything derogatory to say about her for a while now, but Meredith hadn’t given her a reason. She and George had been officially a couple since their adventurous first date in Saigon. They hadn’t shared more than a few chaste kisses since that night, but unless you were willing to settle for any hovel with a flat surface and a door that locked, it was hard to find a place or a time to get romantic.

“Lois and Steve are going at it like rabbits,” Robinson said. “If she doesn’t end up pregnant before the end of her tour, I’ll eat my hat.”

“Maybe Steve is shooting blanks. Have you considered that?”

“I try to consider him as little as possible, but I don’t think he can say the same about me.”

Meredith heard a trace of bitterness in Robinson’s voice.

“What do you mean?”

Robinson looked around the room, silently reminding her they were surrounded by hundreds of people. “I’ll tell you later.” Even though they were whispering, at least a dozen people were close enough to hear what they were saying.

Meredith replayed parts of their conversation in her head to see if either of them had said anything incriminating. She felt privileged to be one of the few people aware of Robinson’s secret. The trust Robinson had placed in her felt one-sided, however. Robinson had allowed her to be privy to something she kept hidden from most of the world, but she hadn’t returned the favor. How could she when parts of her remained a mystery even to herself? She had never been fond of self-examination—for the past few years, she had always been too busy earning her nursing degree or putting it to use—but being around Robinson made her want to find responses to all the questions she had left unanswered. To give voice to the ones she had left unasked.

“Do you want to go for a swim after this is over?” she asked. The average temperature in South Vietnam was eighty degrees year-round, which made the pool a popular destination. She wanted to cool off, even if relief would only prove temporary. And, most of all, she wanted to spend some time with Robinson away from prying eyes and eager ears.

Robinson gripped the bench with both hands and stared at her feet as if she needed to weigh her decision carefully. Meredith could almost hear her thoughts. How would it look if she and Meredith went away together? Would anyone notice? If they did, what would they say?

Meredith wished she didn’t care what other people thought, but she couldn’t afford not to. She had joined the Army to escape the bonds of her provincial hometown. When she returned—if she returned—she wanted it to be on her own terms. A dishonorable discharge didn’t fit into her plans. Neither did her friendship with Natalie Robinson. But plans, like a woman’s mind, were meant to be changed.

“What do you say?” she asked after Robinson didn’t provide an immediate answer to her question.

Several long seconds later, Robinson finally looked up. “I’ve already seen tonight’s movie, and it’s hot as hell tonight.” Meredith felt her skin prickle when Robinson fixed her gaze upon her. She felt cold and hot at the same time. She shivered at the odd sensation. “Why don’t we go now?”

It was Friday night. Saigon was so far away it was nothing but a pleasant memory. Most of the off-duty personnel were divided between the theater and the on-base nightclubs. The pool complex would be crowded tomorrow with people participating in and watching a friendly competition between the fastest male and female swimmers on post. Organizers had spent all afternoon placing lane dividers in the pool and hanging bunting all around the complex. Tonight, though, the place was probably deserted.

Meredith looked at the movie screen. The opening credits for
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
had just begun to roll. The four-year-old comedy featured a cast of thousands who produced nearly as many laughs during their madcap search for a cache of missing money. Meredith had seen the film before, too, but she had been looking forward to seeing it again. After the crazy two months she’d had, she desperately needed to laugh. But she and Robinson had never had occasion to be alone, and the thought of spending some quiet time with her proved irresistible.

“It’s a date.”

They left the theater and returned to the living area, where they retrieved their swimsuits from their respective hooches. They met up outside the tent Robinson shared with five other nurses and walked toward the building where the indoor pool was housed.

“Tell me about you and Steve,” Meredith said. “You made it seem like he has it in for you.”

Robinson shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal, but her expression said otherwise.

“He made a play for me once and I turned him down. I think I bruised his fragile male ego when I did, because he’s been on my case ever since. At first, it was stupid stuff like you’d expect to see from an elementary school bully. Since he’s been dating Lois, he’s gotten worse. I don’t know what she’s put in his ear about me, but every time our paths cross, he glares at me like I kicked his dog. Other times, he points at his watch and says, ‘Tick tock.’ I suppose that’s his way of saying my time is coming. If I were a betting woman, I’d wager he had something to do with the raid at Suzy’s the night you and I were there. He knew I was going to be in town. He probably tipped off the police, hoping I’d get caught and hit with an eventual dishonorable discharge.”