The Weakness in Me (6 page)

“It’s okay, Sammy,” he soothed, moving his hand calmingly at the base of her scalp
was second nature. The reaction had been involuntary to seeing her panic, and he hoped she would let him comfort her. “The tire blew. We are on the side of the road, we are safe,” he said, slowly. Unbuckling her seat belt, he pulled her closer to him, rocking her back and forth as he massaged her head.

“Breathe with me,” he continued, when he noticed that she was truly frozen in fear and had all but completely stopped breathing.
Inhaling deeply, he implored her to match the rhythm of his respirations. Slowly, she started to melt into his embrace as her fear began to subside. “We’re okay, everything is okay, we’re okay, everything is okay,” he chanted to her softly until he finally felt she was stable enough to release.

“I need to go and change the tire.
I’ll be right back,” he said, trying to move her back to the passenger seat, but she clung to him in response.

“Wait! Not yet,” she said, panicked
, gripping his arms so tightly he winced in pain. “Please, don’t leave yet,” her voice more desperate than he’d ever heard it. He knew she was in the midst of a panic attack, and leaving her in this state was not an option, even to change the tire to get them home.

“Okay,” he whispered, pulling her back into his chest.

“I have triple A,” she said, looking up at him, her eyes still wild with fear. “Maybe we can just call them to tow us back to the house and we can change the tire after the rain stops. I don’t want anything to bad to happen when the visibility is low like this,” she offered, talking almost hysterically as she blindly reached behind her to pull her cell phone out of her purse from its spot on the floorboard.

“That’s fine, Sammy.
Whatever you need,” Jason said, with a calm tone. He had to try hard to focus on getting her past the episode, rather than the feel of her in his arms and the smell of vanilla wafting into his nose. He stifled a sigh at how right it felt, even if the situation was wrong. Watching her closely, he knew from the slow change in Sammy’s eyes, from wild with panic to calm, as she called for the tow truck, she was finally starting to trust him again.

**

Two hours later, the awareness of everything that had happened over the last few hours began to sink in. Samantha, now, felt mortified by her reaction to the blow out. ‘
I all but climbed into Jason’s lap in fear
,’ she thought, as she sat on her deck drinking the chamomile tea he’d made her. Her doctor warned her about flashbacks and symptoms of post traumatic stress, but she never thought it would happen to her.

‘That was an extenuating circumstance,’
she told herself as she watched Jason changing the tire on her Toyota.
‘I would’ve been fine, but I’m glad Jason knew how to snap me out of it.’
Realizing that he’d witnessed her in a full breakdown twice in as many weeks brought an embarrassed blush to her cheeks and had her questioning if she was really in control of herself and her emotions right now. She wondered if she’d ever be completely in control again after everything she’d lost.

One thing had definitely changed today, whether she liked it or not.
For the first time since she saw him in her hospital room, she didn’t question whether it was smart to allow Jason back into her life.
‘If he hadn’t been here today, what would I
really
have done?’
she asked herself. She’d like to think she would’ve been okay, but would she have been? The Castle women weren’t known for staying calm in that type of situation. Jason knew exactly what to do when the car started to go into a spin. He got them to safety. If it had been her mom or her sisters, would they have started to hydroplane and gone off the road? Would she have gone completely catatonic?

Shaking off the direction of her thoughts, she saw that Jason was now standing in the middle of her backyard deep in
deliberation. Now that she had broken her dark thoughts, she could see that he had his t-shirt tucked into his back pocket, his arms still covered in mud and grease from the tire change. She couldn’t believe that he could just stand outside like that at the end of September and not be cold.

Slowly, she allowed
her eyes to look at his bare chest for the first time in five years. She couldn’t believe how much it had changed, filled out. Biting her lip, she took in the hard muscles that spanned his chest, his six-pack abs and, when he turned again, every single ridge of muscle across his broad back. It was only when she suppressed a groan that she realized that she was sitting there, objectifying him, and guilt slammed through her. 

Chalking
up her behavior to a side effect of the days trauma, and missing the intimacy she’d shared with Caleb, she set about clearing her head again, and switched to wondering what he was thinking about. Setting down her empty teacup, she walked down the stairs beside the deck to join him. The backyard was nearly two full acres, bordered on either side with tall Evergreen trees. A lush blanket of green grass spanned the yard all the way to the lake at the opposite end of the property, where her private pier tethered her small row boat.

“Aren’t you freezing?” she called, nodding toward the shirt in his back pocket as she reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Yeah, but I didn’t want to get the shirt dirty,” he shrugged, his eyes still inspecting the small patch of grass.

“What are you doing?” she finally asked.

‘What do you think of this spot over here?” he inquired as she approached the far west side of the middle of her backyard.

“For what?” she asked, looking at the small triangle
of grass he was indicating.

“A garden.
Didn’t you say Caleb was planning to put one back here for Corigan?” Jason cocked his head in question.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure this area gets enough sun.
The trees are really tall here. Would the front yard be a better place? Besides, isn’t it too late in the season to plant?” she babbled as she watched him walk the perimeter of the area he’d chosen.

“I’ve been observing the area, and I think it’ll be fine.
We are at the end of the season, but if we start tomorrow, we can get some late season winter squash started,” Jason shrugged. “In the spring, if everything works out with this crop, we can plant more. Maybe we can section off part of it for a butterfly area for Corigan?”

Her eyes shot to him in surprise.
He was looking at her carefully, like he was trying to gauge her reaction. She couldn’t believe his thoughtfulness towards something she knew Corigan would love and Caleb wanted to give her. Nor could she believe the longevity of the plans Jason was making, like he really was here to stay, regardless of their sticky past.

For the first time, she started to
comprehend that having him as a friend again meant everything to her. It wasn’t just that she couldn’t get through the earlier ordeal without him, either. He had made these last few weeks back at the house easier for her, just by being there. He replaced the numbness inside of her with laughter and an ease of friendship.

After Caleb’s death, she’d lost everyone they’d been close to as a couple.
She didn’t know if it was her, or if the memory was just too painful for them, or if they just hadn’t been very good friends. She knew that her friendship with Jason was real, though. It was helping her, more than either of them knew, to get through the pain of being in her house, without Caleb. The thought caused her to freeze, and she fought back a different fear that was now rising within her.

“Thank you,” she said, as she blinked back the tears she hadn’t
known were forming.

“For what?” he went to her,
starting to place his hands on her arms before pulling back when he saw the grime still on them.

“Being there for me today and knowing exactly what to do.
I don’t know what would’ve happened if it hadn’t been you,” she looked down at her feet as she talked, not able to look him in the eye at these words. “And for everything else you’ve done for us over these last few months, especially the last two weeks, Jason.”

“You don’t have to thank me for being a good friend, Sammy,” he laughed, softly.

“And,” she started, lifting her chin to look into those familiar cerulean blue eyes. “for wanting to help me accomplish Caleb’s dream of having a garden out here. It means more than I can verbalize right now.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiled, before breaking away to start measuring out the area they’d have to plant tomorrow.

Samantha tip toed through her yard
toward the back door, careful not to make a noise that might wake her sleeping sisters.

“Sneaking in Sammy?” a familiar voice whispered from the shadows.

“I lost track of time at Missy’s,” she whispered as Jason finally stepped into the light. “Mom had a late shift and dad always works late…Sara said she’d take care of Jessy while I went to Missy’s to finish up some homework.”

“Sara’s only twelve, Sammy,” Jason walked into the light as Samantha stumbled over a branch.
“You know that Sara is only comfortable by herself until nine.

“
We’re
only thirteen, Jason. What difference does that one year make? I shouldn’t be home alone with two girls until midnight either,” she tripped again and started to fall toward the wet grass.

“
Were you drinking?” he accused, as he caught her before she hit the ground. “I know Missy’s parents don’t exactly police their liquor cabinet.”

“No,” Sammy frowned at him in disapproval of his assumption and knowledge.
“I’m just tired,” she yawned as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to pull her up again. “I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to her and Patrick groping beside me,” she finished, burrowing into the warmth of Jason’s arms.

“Your boyfriend was making out with Missy?” he stopped walking and looked down at her.
“How are you so calm right now? And if you were doing homework, why was Patrick there in the first place?”

“Ugh, you sound like an overprotective father right now,” Samantha sighed as they finally made their way into her back door and into the kitchen.
Plopping down in a chair in the dark, she set her school bag against a leg of the table. “Besides, he was in our group for our history project. He had to be there, too.”

“Okay…” Jason said
, sitting down in a chair beside her. “That explains why he was there, but not why you aren’t carrying a clump of tangled blonde curls right now.”

“Cause she did me a favor,” Samantha shrugged.
“I wasn’t really into Patrick.”

“Since when?”Jason’s face was close to hers in the dark, looking for something in her expression, but she was too tired to try and decipher it now.

“I don’t know, like last week? I knew she liked him” she laid her head on her arms and looked up at him. “so I told her she could have him, but just this once. If she ever does it without my permission, we’re done.”

“Okay…why didn’t you just break up with him first?”
Jason laughed.

“
People don’t always break up before moving on to the next person, believe me. Besides, it seemed easier this way,” her eyes were closing as she felt Jason help her out of the chair and up the stairs to her bed. “That way he’s the bad guy. Missy said that it would be fun to play the scorned one and she could play the vamp. We’re going to fight at school tomorrow.”

“Sounds like so much drama.
Why not just let it go?” he asked, helping her lay on her comforter.

“She said that’s how best friends act sometimes,” Samantha said, scooting up to settle her head on her pillow.

“You’ve been my best friend for eight years now, Sammy. Have I ever asked you to fight with me like that for ‘fun’?” Jason’s voice took on a tone that was impossible to mistake as anything less than disapproving.

“Yeah, but you are a boy and boys don’t play games like that.
It’s part of why I love you,” she mumbled, tiredly, pulling him in for a hug. She felt him stiffen briefly at her words before relaxing into her embrace.

“I love you, too, Sammy,” he kissed her forehead
and both of her eyelids. He massaged the back of her scalp until she relaxed into her pillow. It was only then that she felt him get up from beside her bed. “I’ll see you in the morning,” she heard him whisper as he left her bedroom. She fell asleep that night comforted by remembering how safe she felt in Jason’s arms and wondering what it would be like if they could ever be more than just friends.

**

Over the next month, Jason spent more and more time with Sammy, assisting with Corigan’s care when he was off work and helping to prepare her yard for the winter that was quickly approaching. They’d completed the planting of the new garden just in time. Their first harvest was minimal but successful, as it was merely a test run on the plot of land he’d chosen. He’d added a carved wood sign in memoriam of Caleb as a surprise when they’d finished. The tears in her eyes and the fierce hug she gave him were all the thanks and encouragement he needed to only ever be a phone call away.