Read The World of Karl Pilkington Online
Authors: Karl Pilkington,Stephen Merchant,Ricky Gervais
The World of Karl Pilkington (19 page)
Ricky:
You don’t need anyone else in the room for a conversation, do you?
Karl:
No no, but …
Steve:
He’s arguing with himself.
Ricky:
He’s arguing with his own head.
Steve:
Amazing.
Karl:
Where would you put the mammoth? If they get it going, right, give it the old electric shock and that, wake it up and it’s …
Ricky:
He’s been watching
Frankenstein
. All his information about science and history is from The
Flintstones, Planet of the Apes
and
Frankenstein
.
Steve:
In his head they’ve got an elephant, they’ve put some carpet tiles over it and they’re trying to bring that back to life as a mammoth.
Karl:
Oh forget it then.
Steve:
Question here: ‘Karl, what would you change if you were in charge of what kids are taught in school?’
Karl:
What I’d do right, instead of sort of teaching kids about two and two and that – which is four, right.
Ricky:
Show off.
Karl:
I think they should be asked more questions that make ’em think rather than something that has just got an answer.
Ricky:
I totally agree. Teach them a desire for a quest for knowledge, inflaming their imagination.
Karl:
But just freaking them out a bit as well.
Steve: I knew where that was going. As soon as you started talking, Rick, I was thinking, you’re thinking of some of the big existential or philosophical questions. What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to interact with other people? Whereas …
Ricky:
He was thinking, ‘freak ’em out a bit.’
Karl:
Just like, you know, I read the other day that a dishwasher has been found on Mars.
Ricky:
Rubbish.
Karl:
So tell ’em that and say …
Steve:
But it’s not true!
Karl:
… Go home and write about it. ‘How did that happen?’
Ricky:
But it didn’t happen.
Karl:
Well it did happen. It was in a science magazine.
Ricky:
No, it didn’t happen. There was not a dishwasher on Mars.
Karl:
Why not?
Ricky:
I’ll tell you why not. How did it get there?
Karl:
But we’re always sending rubbish out there and that.
Ricky:
Not dishwashers! What do you think, the council take it away and they think, ‘Where can we put it?’ ‘Well, the tip’s full, where’s the nearest thing we can dump this?’ ‘Mars, I imagine.’
Karl:
No, but the same way that fella who – I don’t know, was it two Christmases ago? When he was messing about saying, ‘I can get stuff to Mars’ and all that. He did it wrong ’cos he did it on Boxing Day and I just think nobody’s concentrating. No one wants to work on that day, they are gonna do stuff sort of half arsed, aren’t they, on Boxing Day? So it didn’t really get there I don’t think, but it crash landed.
Steve:
A probe, do you mean?
Karl:
Yeah. But the thing is, it got there, didn’t open properly. No one’s been back to pick it up. And what I’m saying is, we’re saying about going to Mars as our next planet. It’s a tip! There’s loads of stuff that’s been fired up there.
Ricky:
No, no it’s not.
Karl:
It has. Like that probe thing is still there, rotting away.
Ricky:
So,
ipso facto
, there is a dishwasher on Mars? We’ve settled that. Why would they have a dishwasher on Mars? Would they take the dishwasher up in the space shuttle in case they had dinner parties?
Karl:
I just think they would have a little dishwasher in there. There’s a lot of them. Tight space. You don’t want arguments, ‘Whose gonna do the washing up?’
Ricky:
Do you know how much fuel it takes to move a kilogram out of the earth’s atmosphere? They’re going to take up a dishwasher, are they?
Karl:
How many people does it take to fly a rocket? Tell me, how many people?
Steve:
Well it’s either one monkey, with a banana chute that feeds it, or probably two or three humans.
Karl:
Right, say it’s three humans. Now there’s three humans because they need one to steer it, one to be going, ‘Yeah, we’re alright.’
Steve:
And one to make some hors d’oeuvres?
Karl:
No, what I’m saying is, if you’re gonna start having a sink, then whoever’s washing up …
Ricky:
They haven’t got a sink!
Karl:
I know, ’cos they’ve got a dishwasher!
Steve:
Ahh, he’s got you there.
Karl:
But anyway, I’m not gonna go into that. All I’m saying is, teach kids things, say to ’em, ‘Right, when you go home tonight, there was dinosaurs knocking about ages ago, how would you have lived with them? Get on with it. See you later.’
Ricky:
Well, they didn’t. I’ve told you this before.
Karl:
All right then, here’s a different question. Would it be better to have dinosaurs knocking about now, whilst we’re here? I put that in my diary the other day, that when you think about it, there’s a population problem. There’s too many of us.
Steve:
Yeah.
Karl:
We’re saving people all the time. No-one’s allowed to get injured anymore. You’ve got to wear a helmet when you’re on a bike. There’s speed bumps to slow people down. Zebra crossings. Cures for illnesses. No one’s dying anymore.
Ricky:
I think they are.
Karl:
Not as many as there should be, because the world’s crowded.
Ricky:
I think there are still people dying.
Karl:
Not that many though.
Ricky:
Yeah I think there are still millions of people dying.
Karl:
Loads of people are living longer, and that’s the problem. So what I’m saying is …
Steve:
You think you should introduce
tyrannosaurus rex
into London?
Karl:
Wandering around.
Steve:
Just have them wandering around, just picking people off?
Karl:
Just sort of random and that. I mean I’m not wishing that anyone I know dies and that, but all I’m saying is, I don’t know anyone who’s died for ages. Whereas if a dinosaur was knocking about, you’d go, ‘Oh, Neil’s gone missing …’
Ricky laughs
.
Karl:
Whatever. I just think then it is survival of the fittest. We have lost all that now. You don’t even have to be fit to survive. They just keep sticking a new lung on you.
Ricky:
But Karl’s been on holiday again hasn’t he?
Steve:
Oh yeah, that’s right. Karl, you don’t do anything…
Ricky:
You get weekends off, you take at least five or six weeks holiday a year – even though you haven’t got a job now.
Steve:
You spend your whole life on holiday basically.
Ricky:
I don’t know why you need a holiday. You just potter around. Your big day last week was going to the cobblers so why did you need a break this week?
Karl:
It’s just good for your brain and that innit? It opens it up a bit.
Steve:
You’re not evidence of that.
Ricky:
Where did you go?
Karl:
Gran Canaria.
Ricky:
For a week, just sitting around?
Karl:
Well there isn’t much else to do on Gran Canaria. I mean I don’t want to go slaggging the place off ’cos every time I talk about somewhere I seem to get into trouble for it.
Ricky:
Yeah.
Karl:
But, it’s just like a big rock. It’s volcanic, innit?
Ricky:
You must have looked like a little barnacle on it.
Steve:
Have you been there before?
Karl:
I’ve been near it before – to another rock which was the same sort of thing.
Steve:
If you’ve had your fingers burnt before, why did you go back?
Karl:
Because you think they can’t have loads of these islands that are the same – just a big rock with hotels on. They can’t get away with it.
Steve:
They obviously
are
getting away with it. Why do you keep going to these places that are just rocks? Why don’t you investigate first? Ask your travel agent ‘Is this a big rock?’
Karl:
Because that’s what you do, innit? You go and find out yourself. You take a risk and make up your own mind.
Ricky:
What did you do?
Karl:
It was just like one of them big hotels. That’s where I made a mistake. It was one of those massive places where there’s loads of people and you go for your dinner …
Ricky:
That describes a hotel. You’ve nailed that.
Steve:
I’ve been to a few hotels myself – and that sounds like one.
Karl:
D’you know what I mean though? There’s the nice small ones where there’s just enough people but this one’s, like, mental. And it was full of old people really.
Steve:
Sure.
Karl:
That’s probably why it’s called Gran Canaria – ’cos there’s …
Steve:
Grannies everywhere?
Karl:
Yeah alright. But what what I thought I’d start doing is start a diary.
Steve:
Okay. Why?
Karl:
Just ’cos I sort of had a bit of time on my hands and that. I just thought ‘write stuff down’ and that.
Steve:
Do you hope that this will one day become one the great literary works, like Samuel Pepys’ diary?
Karl:
I haven’t heard of that. Is it any good?
Steve:
You’ve never heard of Samuel Pepys’ diary? The most famous diary in the world other than, perhaps, Anne Franks’.
Karl:
I’ve heard of Anne Franks and that, and I thought if she’s sat in a loft knocking stuff up with not much going on in her life at that point, yet she was still writing it down …
Steve:
Whereas you’ve been to Gran Canria, yeah.
Karl:
Well I’m on holiday so I thought there is stuff going on that I can chat about so I’ll start a diary.
Steve:
Sure.
Ricky:
You started a diary.
Karl:
Yeah.
Ricky:
And what are you going to do? Did you keep it up every day?
Karl:
Yeah.
Ricky:
Oh, can I read it please.
Karl:
Well a diary’s meant to be …
Ricky:
Please can I read it?
Karl:
But some of it’s only relevant to me it’s sort of …
Ricky:
Oh Karl, please give me it.
Karl goes to get the diary. Ricky gets excited
.
Ricky:
Oh my god.
Karl returns with the diary
Ricky:
Look how big it is!
Ricky and Steve laugh
.
Ricky:
It’s huge.
Steve:
It’s one of those desk diaries.
Ricky:
It’s about a foot long. That is amazing. Imagine if Anne Franks’ had been like that as she got it out. ‘Doof!’ Everyone would have heard it clank down on the desk.
Karl:
Yeah, but me writing’s quite big, innit?
Ricky:
Oh look. Give us that.