The World of Karl Pilkington (18 page)

Karl:
This one’s about a fire that happened. D’you know in New York they have loads of big buildings, don’t they? Really tall ones.

Ricky:
Skyscrapers?

Karl:
And there was a fire in one of them, right. So they did as expected, they called up the fire brigade and that. They turned up, right. Fire engine parked up. It’s like, ‘Right where’s the fire?’ and they said, ‘Oh, it’s on Floor 100’ or whatever, and they said, ‘Oh no. We’ve brought the fire engine with the short ladders.’

Steve:
Stupid mistake, but go on …

Karl:
Right. So anyway the fire’s going and that and they’re saying, ‘Is there anyone in there?’ They go, ‘I don’t know. There might be someone up there but the telecom is not working and stuff.’

Steve:
Who do you think might be up there, Rick?

Ricky:
I dunno.

Steve:
Just a woman I imagine – a woman or a child.

Ricky:
Is there a fireman that could climb up a building without a ladder?

Steve:
I think it’s unlikely, but go on …

Karl:
So anyway they said, ‘Well how are we gonna get up there?’

Steve:
‘We can’t, we’ve only brought a short ladder.’

Ricky:
‘No we can’t. Let’s go home.’ Okay, so that was Monkey News …

Karl:
So they said, ‘Well there’s a lot of ‘grippage’.’

Steve:
Because they made up words, the firemen.

Ricky:
There’s a lot of ‘grippage.’

Karl:
… On the side of the building and stuff. So anyway they said, ‘Why don’t we just go and get a monkey?’ right. So they got a monkey.

Steve:
Whoa, that’s a bit of a jump.

Ricky:
Is that policy now, in the New York fire department?

Karl:
Well you know you’ve got to think quick, haven’t you? At the end of the day, if people are up there you don’t start querying if it will work or not, you try everything that you can to help someone out.

Ricky:
That’s the first thing they thought of, was it? A monkey?

Steve:
So it was quicker for them to go and get a monkey than to go back and get the long ladders?

Ricky:
Why didn’t they get Spiderman?

Karl:
So anyway, they got a monkey down there, and they said, ‘Right …’

Ricky:
Where did they get it from?

Karl:
We don’t know. From the local zoo or somewhere. So they said, ‘Look, we’ve got to remember, there could be someone up there and it’ll shock ’em a bit if a monkey comes in, right,’ so they said, ‘We’ll just get it a little small uniform and that.’

Ricky:
Whoa, whoa, hold on. ‘Where are you going to get the uniform?’ ‘I’m going back to the station.’ ‘Well get the long ladders while you’re there.’ Ahh, you’re an idiot.

Karl:
So anyway, it goes up there. It’s got all the kit on, its little hard hat on and all that. There was a little person up there and it manages to grab them …

Steve:
Who was up there then? Someone that was just the right size for a monkey to be able to rescue, which is handy because if it had been anyone else, like a larger person or a family …

Karl:
I don’t know about the size of it, but the story is saying how, like, it was quite a big monkey and that. It was good at breaking down doors.

Ricky:
Oh yeah.

Karl:
It was good at climbing into small spaces and stuff like that.

Ricky:
Oh yeah.

Karl:
Anyway …

Ricky:
So it’s big enough to carry a fully grown man but small enough to climb through a cat-flap?

Karl:
Yeah.

Ricky:
Which is handy.

Karl:
So anyway, it got the person and everything and now it’s on call if they ever need it again.

Steve:
Sure, if they ever get anywhere again and they’ve forgotten the long ladders but there is plenty of ‘grippage’, they just call for Coco.

Karl:
That’s this week’s Monkey News.

Ricky:
Bollocks.

Ricky:
Even if, on the face of it, it looks pointless, it’s about conquering nature isn’t it? I mean that’s amazing, isn’t it, that you could bring a mammoth back. What are the implications of bringing a mammoth back? Could they aid the workload? Could they feed the starving? There are applications.

Karl:
What, so you’re saying bring it back to kill it to eat it?

Ricky:
Well I’m not saying anything. I’m saying that rarely is scientific discovery pointless and a waste of time in the greater scheme of things. We learn from this, the fact that we can map the DNA of a mammoth. What are the implications there? Could we bring back – I don’t know – Churchill? Could we bring back Nelson? Would we want to? Is it moral? That’s another question, but the feat alone … I don’t mean its feet. I don’t mean we can bring back a mammoth’s feet.

Steve:
I could see that was the way he was thinking by the way his eyes moved.

Ricky:
Yeah. I mean the achievement alone is remarkable. Putting a man on the moon, pointless, but, what a feat …

Karl:
Don’t you think …

Ricky:
Not impressed by putting a man on the moon?

Karl:
No, we’ve chatted about the man on the moon, you know, some people like it, some don’t. I’m not gonna argue about it. If you were behind it, good on you, but I’m not that fussed. I don’t think we’ve learned that much from it. They went all that way, popped a flag up, came back. What have we learned about that journey since? We haven’t really been back.

Ricky:
We conquered space. That’s what we do. We see what we can do. Why climb a mountain? Because it’s there. What’s at the bottom of the ocean?

Karl:
Yeah but I don’t agree with people who climb mountains for the sake of it. It’s all right if you’ve got to get over it but don’t go up and then go down again. Just go for a good walk.

Ricky:
I don’t mind as long as they don’t strain the emergency services. If you’re a posh bloke going up the mountain in a blizzard and you get stuck, you’re an idiot. And then people have to risk their lives going to rescue you because you wanted a laugh. I agree with that.

Karl:
But don’t you think the world’s busy enough? It’s like you can hardly move. And mammoths are taking up quite a bit of room if a load of them come back. We’ve already got elephants, which in my eyes are good enough. They’ll do. They carry stuff about, and that. What’s going to be better, a mammoth or an elephant, ’cos I can see that one of them is going to have to go at some point. If we start running out of elephants, would they say, ‘Oh it doesn’t matter, we’ve got mammoths’ and stuff?