The World of Karl Pilkington (20 page)

Ricky:
This is amazing.

Steve:
Do you know about joined-up writing?

Karl:
There’s no point ’cos sometimes you can’t read it can you?

Ricky:
Oh my god. Look! It starts on the first day. This is wonderful.

Ricky:
Going on ’oliday to Gran Canaria today. Woke up
to the news that Tony Banks had died. There was a
piece on the news about how everyone was shocked.
Got me thinking about an invention that’d be good;
a watch that counted down your life. If it says
you’ve got three days left, go to the doctor’s
.

Ricky and Steve laugh
.

Ricky:
Told Suzanne about invention. She said she wouldn’t
buy one. But she said that about the iPod
.

Steve:
How would this device work, this watch? How would you know when you are about to die? Is that a consideration? Or not something for you to worry about? Presumably the boffins would take of that.

Karl:
No, all I was thinking was about that Tony Banks fella who died and everyone was shocked by it. But if you had a little watch on …

Ricky:
You can’t just say ‘wouldn’t it be good’. How would this work? I imagine you’re in the patent office going ‘I’ve got an idea.’ ‘Certainly Mr Pilkington, what’s your idea?’ ‘A watch that counts down your life.’ ‘Oohh, how does that work …?’

Karl:
Just pop it on your wrist.

Ricky:
No no no. What do you mean ‘just pop it on your wrist?’ How does it work? ‘Just pop it on your wrist.’ Brilliant! You’re an idiot.

Steve:
Well it’s interesting that he goes on …

Steve:
The flight to Gran Canaria was a bit bumpy. I
thought about the clock that counts down your life
again and I wondered if it would know if you’re
going to die in a disaster
.

Steve:
Now he’s querying his own logic.

Ricky: He’s wondering if it would know. He’s invented this.

Steve:
And now he’s not even sure.

Steve:
A fella on the plane was reading Koi mag. It was a
fishing magazine. I glanced over and noticed he was
reading the ‘pond of the month’ article. I don’t think
they could make it into a weekly magazine
.

Steve:
Well to be fair to you I remember seeing a guy on a train once who was reading
Carp Monthly
– a magazine dedicated entirely to carp – and it had ‘Carp of the Month’. And I thought, once you’re about three months in the editor must be stressing. ‘Have we got any more carp? Have we got a carp that’s actually done anything?’

Ricky:
I reckon if they used the same one twice there wouldn’t be many complaints. ‘That’s the carp they used two years ago!’

Steve:
There was a really fat bloke on the plane. He was
playing on his PSP. While I waited to go to the toilet
I looked at what game he was playing. It was darts.
He’s that fat and lazy he can’t even face playing a
more active game on a games console
.

Me and Suzanne got off the coach with a couple of
old people. One of ’em was in a wheelchair. I don’t
think it was wise of them to come to a volcanic
island in a wheelchair. Everywhere’s pretty rough
paving and slopey. Guess I’ll keep an eye on it as the
week goes on. Day two in Gran Canaria
…

Ricky:
Brilliant we’re only at day two.

Steve:
The hotel is a bit odd. I’ve never seen so many cross-
eyed people in one location
.

Ricky:
This is the best diary. This might be the best diary ever written.

Steve:
Whilst listening to The Kinks on my iPod, I
wondered if everybody thinks in their own accent. I
know I do
.

Steve:
What’s this? What you talking about?

Karl:
When I was lying there sat on the lounger, right, and I was thinking about stuff …

Ricky:
How do you know you think in your accent? Tell me a typical thought.

Karl:
Say if I was, like, if I saw something – do you know how I say ‘that’s a bit weird, innit?’

Ricky:
But, when I think, I don’t think the sentence like I’m saying it. It’s just a thought. The thought appears; it’s already there. It’s not like I go, ‘Rick?’ ‘What?’ ‘Just looking over at that fella over there were ya?’ ‘I was, yeah.’ ‘I was thinking he looks a bit weird.’ ‘Oh, so was I.’ I don’t think out whole sentences.

Steve:
Whereas you have ‘Karl. Karl. Karl. Stop listening to The Kinks for a minute. Look over there. More cross-eyed people.’ Is that how your mind works?

Karl:
In a way, yeah.

Ricky:
Brilliant.

Steve:
That explains a lot.

Ricky:
It’s great that he has to think of whole sentences.

Karl:
’Cos I thought ‘that’s weird, innit’. I didn’t think ‘that’s weird, isn’t it?’ and I thought, ‘I actually think in me accent.’ Then I thought, ‘does Stephen Hawking – when he’s doing his maths and that?’ I don’t know where he’s from so I don’t know what his accent would be like.

Ricky:
I think he’s from Kent or Cambridge or Oxford or something.

Steve:
So you think he might think in that computurised voice?

Karl:
Just wondered.

Steve:
Had lunch inside today due to shite weather. Sat
next to an old fella. Old men’s ears and noses carry
on growing as they get older. Suzanne noticed his
fingers were fat too. Maybe they continue to grow.
Suzanne didn’t laugh when I said her arse had the
same problem
.

Cloudy start to the day. Had pie and chips in a cafe.
Had an argument with Suzanne ’cos I thought it was
daft that we were paying for food on an all-inclusive
holiday. Changed my mind when I saw they sold pie
though. The cafe was called Tattoo’s. The fella who
owns it didn’t have any Tattoos. But we never saw
his wife
.

Ricky:
Brilliant.

Steve:
Had a drink in a bar. Everybody sat and watched
one of the local cats lick its bollocks
. 

Ricky:
It’s the greatest holiday in the world. That’s the entertainment in that town.

Steve:
Went back to the hotel and had a sleep before tea
.

Steve:
I love the fact that you’re moaning about old people but you’re just as bad.

Ricky:
He’s done nothing so far

Steve:
He’s done nothing and he’s gone for a kip.

Steve:
Woke up to news about ducks being badly treated,
there was a really ugly one with bent legs
.

Ricky:
I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Why does he write this down?

Steve:
There is a fat bloke from Bolton who is in the pool
as I write this. He’s got a big tattoo on his back but
I can’t work out what it is … he just got out of the
pool and burped
.

Steve:
Just felt like you had to keep us abreast of that.

Ricky:
Everything’s in the diary. I can see it getting to the point were you’re going ‘breathed in … breathed out again.’

Steve:
There was a big fat fella in the sea who kept his
t-shirt on. If you’re big and fat, is there more chance
of you getting burnt ’cos there is more of you on
show? I asked Suzanne, and she said she didn’t know
in that sort of ‘not listening’ kind of way. I wanted
to hang about to see if the fat fella was gonna get in
the kayak but Suzanne said we had to head back
.

Steve:
We go home today so we got up early to catch the
last bit of cloud
.

Karl:
No, it’s just that it wasn’t that sunny all the time. I mean, I was sat in weather that if it was like that here, there’s no way I’d be sat in the garden.

Ricky:
Yeah.

Karl:
But ’cos you’re on holiday you’ve got to sit in it. ‘Put your coat on.’

Steve:
So are you going to continue to write this diary every single day?

Ricky:
It’s amazing. Keep this diary up! It’s amazing.

Karl:
I will keep it up ’cos what I find as well is, I think earlier on before I went away I think I did learn something, and because I wrote in down, I remembered it a bit better. So …

Ricky:
What was that?

Karl:
… I just was thinking then; I’ve forgot it now, but …

Karl:
But I remembered looking back at it and not having to read it all ’cos I remembered the end of it before I read it, if you know what I mean.

Steve:
No. I have no idea what you are talking about.