The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (354 page)

After I met Braedyn, I questioned whether a person had more than one soul mate. Both felt so right for such different reasons. I felt the most complete when they were both in my life at the same time, but that only lasted so long, and when it ended, I was never the same again.

Surprisingly, the twenty-minute car ride was uneventful and peaceful. My daughter fell asleep within minutes of picking her up, and my son was listening to his headphones plugged into the iPad. I continued to lose time as demons devoured my thoughts, and the music drifting out of the speakers muted the natural sounds of a busy commute.

When I realized I was in front of the gates to the fire station, I mildly panicked, not knowing how I got here. I tried to picture the drive and only caught snippets of cars on the freeway and exiting the off ramp. I looked back and saw that Lexus was still asleep, and Drew was still watching a movie. My heart calmed when I confirmed we had arrived safely.

The gates opened, so I drove in and parked. Dean walked up to the car with a handsome smile on his face, revealing his pearly whites and the soft wrinkles time had etched under his eyes. They were only visible when he smiled big enough. He always looked so striking in his work uniform. The dark blue intensified his bright blue eyes. I reached back and patted Drew on the knee to get his attention. He took his headphones off.

"We're here, honey."

Dean opened Drew's door. The smile that lit up both of their faces brought tears to the forefront of my eyes. I turned away and choked them back quickly. How could I ever think of leaving him? Of breaking up the smiles that warmed the faces of the people I loved?

"Hey, big man. I missed you." He unbuckled his harness and scooped Drew into his arms. "I see your sister fell asleep."

"Yeah, she was tired. Dad, can we spray the hose today?"

"Of course, let me get your sister first, okay?"

"Okay," Drew said as he slid out of Dean's arms to the ground. Dean shut the door and walked around the car to get Lexus. I gathered my purse and the camera out of the front seat while he worked on waking her up. I watched in the rearview mirror as he softly rubbed her leg.

"Hey, sweetie. It's Daddy. Wake up, honey."

He talked to her so tenderly. A way he used to talk to me. I yearned for that back. She started to stir gently.

"Daddy?" she asked as she came out of her dream state.

"Yeah, Lexus, it's Daddy," he said with an adoring smile.

He loved our kids more than anything, and it showed by the way he talked and interacted with them. He had his moments of frustration with them, but who didn't? There were times that I felt he was losing it, but it was hard to fault him. He was only home a couple of days a week and wasn't used to our daily routine and my discipline style. He was out of his element at home. A huge reason the distance between us had grown so much since he started on the department. He lived at the fire station and visited home.

"You ready to hang out with Daddy?" he asked her.

She nodded her head slowly as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. He unbuckled her as he had done with Drew, and she fell into his arms still half asleep. He rubbed her back.

"I missed you, princess."

"I missed you, too."

She rested her head on his shoulder and hugged him tightly around his neck as he peeked into the car.

"Hi," he said sweetly to me.

"Hi."

"You coming?"

"Yeah," I said as I started to get out of the car. He closed the car door. My phone chimed, so I dug it out of my purse really quick. It was from Braedyn. All it said was
hi
. I ignored it and threw my phone back into my purse. I rubbed my temples roughly, trying to push the guilt out of my head.

Dean yelled from halfway across the parking lot. "Len, you coming?"

I hopped out of the car, leaving my purse after all and just grabbed my camera. I caught up to them. "Sorry. I've had a bad headache all day." He put his free arm around me and pulled me in close.

"I missed you, too, you know," he whispered as he kissed my head softly.

"I missed you, too." I snuggled into his chest, trying to remember what his embrace felt like before the collapsing of our marriage began. We walked in a clump to the garage that housed the fire engine, truck, and paramedic rig. He worked at a pretty large and busy station.
Paying his dues
he always said when I told him he needed to transfer to a slower station. Several of our fights revolved around him being too tired to do stuff around the house on his minimal days off, which left me to pretty much do everything. It was exhausting for both of us and a shitty way to live in a marriage.

Drew broke from our little pack and ran to the gym area where the handball court was and yelled, "Come on, Dad. Let's play."

"You want to play, Lex?"

"Uh huh," she said as she nodded.

He carried her into the court and closed the door. Within seconds, the balls were flying everywhere. I wondered how no one got hurt. Those balls were not soft. I sat outside the glass enclosure and watched the kids run around laughing as they threw the balls at the walls and tried to catch them when they bounced back. Dean played with them like he was a little kid again.

He was always so good with the children. I had lost some of that over the years. I was just the nagging mom making them perform their daily duties. Brushing teeth, getting dressed, making breakfast, doing homework, cleaning up, driving to and from after school activities. It was a monotonous and mundane life. It was the same thing every day, and very rarely was Dean a part of it. Sometimes I got to do fun things with the kids, but most of the time, I was too drained. Gotta love depression.

****

C
ollege Years

The summer was over, and my weekend with Dean and his friends had passed. We had a lot of fun, and I connected really well with all of them. They treated me like a little sister. While I had to say goodbye to my new brothers, my friendship with Braedyn didn't end. Far from it. We exchanged phone numbers and talked every day. We didn't talk about anything in particular, but we had the ability to talk for hours. I loved talking to someone again. I felt like I could tell him anything, and I did. I even told him about the miscarriage and my depressive states. I told him about issues with Dean and me. I told him everything, as he did in return. I gave him relationship advice, of all things. After all, I was with Dean, and we lived a state apart. We were friends. Just friends. Best friends. But I couldn't stop thinking about him as more.

When Dean mentioned us going to visit them for a few days over spring break, I could barely contain my excitement. He knew Braedyn and I had become close, but he never suspected it was more than that, or at least he never showed it. However, I also didn't tell him we talked every day. In fact, I played down our friendship. Dean had become distant since he returned from the tour. He didn't touch me the same way, and he wasn't as protective over me. Something had changed, and I knew he could feel it, too.

We were hanging out on the couch at my house watching television. I wasn't really watching; I was thinking. My mind started to wander. What if something did happen on the tour? What if he did cheat on me? It would make sense why he's been less affectionate. As it was, we were sitting at least a foot apart from each other.

"Hey, Dean?" Oh God, was I really going to do this?

"Yeah?" he asked without looking away from the movie.

"Did something happen on tour?" Yep, I was totally doing this. My stomach started to knot up.

"What do you mean?" he responded, still watching the movie.

"Did you cheat on me?" I bit my lip hard.

"What? No! Why would you ask that?" he probed defensively. Almost too defensively.

My stomach started forming a tighter knot, and my heart started to cave. Something wasn't right. I could feel it. We had been together almost five years. We acted like an old married couple. My heart lived on instinct now and something wasn't right.

"Are you lying to me?" I asked nervously. I almost didn't want the truth, but my heart already knew.

"You know you're being ridiculous, right?" He glared at me in annoyance.

"Then just say no." I was almost begging him.

"This is crazy."

"Then say it, Dean. Say nothing happened." He had never lied to me before.

"Nothing happened," he said as he turned away.

My heart was pounding against my chest, and a lump was building in my throat. This wasn't
my
Dean. This wasn't the guy who held me even when he was mad at me. This wasn't the guy who would protect me with his life. That Dean was gone. I didn't know what else to say. I knew he was lying, but it was obvious he wasn't going to 'fess up.

"I should go. I have to wake up early," he stated as he stood up.

"Okay," was all I could say. He gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and left. I just stood there for a moment trying to collect my thoughts.
What just happened
?

I felt the invisible glass walls around me start to shatter and fly across the room. I went over to the computer and logged onto his email account. We never kept secrets, so we knew each other's passwords for everything. I couldn't see him being dumb enough to have an email from a girl in his inbox, but I wonder if he deleted all his history. I started scrolling through the deleted folder. I came across a fairly old email from when he first got back from the tour. It was from a girl named Sarah.

Hey! It was fun.

That's all it said, but I couldn't help but wonder who this girl was and why she was emailing him, so I copied her email down and logged into my email.

Hi! My name is Lennox. I'm Dean's girlfriend. This is probably a strange email, but things have been weird between Dean and me since he got back from his tour, and then I found an email from you in his messages. Is there something going on that I should know about?

I didn't think there was a point in being nasty to her. She probably had no idea Dean had a girlfriend and who knows if her email meant anything. I contemplated not sending the email, but my gut urged me to. I nervously clicked the
Send
button and stared at the screen.

A tear rolled down my cheek. Was this the end of us? Did I want it to be the end of us? It felt like I was looking for an excuse to walk away for some time now, but now that I was faced with it, I was completely devastated. We had been together for all my young adult life, and I didn't know anything outside of him. It was always just the two of us. What would I do without him? Being alone terrified me.

I shut down the computer and went to my room. I didn't know what to think or feel. I was emotionless. I thought about Braedyn. Was it any different? I wasn't physically cheating on Dean, but emotionally I had left him a long time ago. Either way it hurt. In fact, it hurt like hell. I didn't need her to respond to confirm something I already felt. I could feel a panic attack striking with full force.

My stomach and chest tightened. I folded over and held my knees as the tears overpowered me. I tried to conceal the ache within me, squeezing tighter until my nails broke through my skin. The pain brought on a calming effect, so I pushed them in deeper until I bled. Concentrating on the stinging in my wounds distracted my attack long enough for me to catch my breath. I looked up and scanned my room frantically. I needed to talk to Braedyn.

I jumped up and found the cordless under my sheets. I dialed his number while I rolled up onto the bed. I rocked methodically to the ringing over the line. No one picked up. I hung up when the machine clicked on. I threw the phone across the room. The backing fell off and exposed the rechargeable battery hanging from two wires. I kept rocking as the warm tears continued to stream down. I couldn't think straight.

Random thoughts shot through my mind like a blazing comet across a star-filled sky. Who would I live with when I transferred? Would I know anyone? Was I going to be alone forever? Would this hurt forever? Where was Braedyn? Why wasn't he answering? Was he with a girl? Did he even think of me in that way? Who was this girl Sarah? Was it a one night thing?

The questions were driving me mad! I pulled on my hair in hysterics to get the words to stop filling my head. Was I going crazy? Who would save me if I were? I threw my head into my knees and cried. I cried for a lost future, a broken heart, and most of all, for my sanity.

****

P
resent

The kids slammed up against the window and knocked loudly to get my attention. I smiled as they made disgusting funny faces on the window. Dean was shooing them away and quickly wiped the glass clean with his sleeve.
That
made me laugh. He was OCD about cleanliness ever since he joined the department. He didn't used to be like that. The department changed him. It changed us. He lost the carefree nature I so truly admired about him and at times hated him for. He was always the life of the party and everyone's best friend. I was the quiet one that most pegged as a bitch. I wasn't a bitch. I was unhappy. I was confused. I was sad, but what I was NOT was a bitch. I would do anything for anyone. I cared more than most people, and therefore, was hurt more easily than most.

Dean opened the heavy glass door, and the kids poured out and smothered me with hugs.

"Did you see us, Mommy?" Drew asked.

"I sure did, sweetie," I said with a genuine happiness.

"Mommy, why don't we come here anymore?" he asked.

Dean jumped in. "Yeah, Mommy, why don't you come here anymore?" he asked playfully.

I shot him a not so playful glare. He knew why we didn't come anymore. "Let's go look at the engines," I said to railroad a potential fight.

Dean scooted them out of the gym area. "Come on. Let's go shoot the water hose," he spat out like a little kid.

The kids squealed with excitement as they ran out in the parking lot where the hose set up was located. Dean waited for me and put his arm around my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."