The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (358 page)

****

P
resent

Dean texted me. Funny timing. Thinking back at that moment with Braedyn, I realize now that it changed everything for me. For us.

Dean: Still at the fire. Going to be a long one. Night. Love you.

Me: I'm sorry. Be safe. Love you too.

As much as he hated fires, he also loved them. He didn't like them in the middle of the night, but he got a thrill from them. I hated knowing about them. Even though he had been in the department for seven years, it was still something I would never be comfortable with. Too many things could go wrong at any time.

He didn't respond, so I put my phone down and sipped the last of my tea. I doubt I would sleep well tonight knowing he was working a fire, so I decided to sit out here for a while. It was a nice enough night for it, and it would help me to figure out my next move.

Weekend

Sleeping was impossible after Braedyn's visit. I lied to him. I did want to know why he hurt me the way he did. I wanted to understand how he could break someone to the point of no repair. Someone he supposedly loved, whether it was just as a friend or more. I wanted to know, but I was scared.

After all this time, I was afraid to know the truth. I had to convince myself that what we had was a figment of my imagination in order to salvage what parts of my heart were left so I could have a life with Dean. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and for him to shatter that veil would surely cause irreversible damage. But did I want to know?

Yes, with all my heart and soul.

I crawled into bed and threw the sheets over my head. I wanted to block out everything. This was the first time I had ever been away from Dean and the kids, and it was turning out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

That first night that I visited Braedyn still haunted me twelve years later. I could still feel the energy flow between us as we sat on his bed contemplating whether we should take our relationship from friendship to more. We were frozen in an unfulfilled moment. A wasted chance.

****

C
ollege Years

I closed my eyes, anticipating his lips on mine any second. His hand fell from my cheek. When I opened my eyes, he turned away. I was speechless and embarrassed. Did I do something wrong?

"I should go check on Chase and Kylie," he stated as he left the room.

Shock couldn't even begin to describe how I felt in that moment. He had pulled my heart out of my chest and held it with such care only to crush it in a fraction of a second. I was confused, and for the first time since Dean and I broke up, I felt abandoned. I wanted to cry, but I was devoid of emotion. It took time to chip away at the walls that had taken years to erect, but it only took one moment for them to rebuild and reinforce.

Instead of rejoining them, I washed up and crawled into bed. The plan was sharing the bed, but it felt awkward now. He would probably just sleep on the couch. I wanted to just fall asleep, but my mind was swirling with thoughts of both Dean and Braedyn. How did I get to this point? To be in love with two guys and end up with no one.

I heard Braedyn come in some time later. He went into the bathroom, and then after some shuffling around the room, he turned on some background music and crawled into the bed. "
Wild Horses
" by The Rolling Stones played quietly. It was one of my favorite songs, so hearing it now after the rejection, made my heart ache. I kept my eyes closed and did my best to pretend I was asleep. I was shaking trying to hold back my humiliation.

"Are you awake?" he whispered.

I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't. I was afraid of what he would say. There was nothing he could say that he hadn't already shown. He loved me, but not enough. Not enough to be my salvation.

"I'm sorry," he said barely audible.

When I didn't answer, he turned over and went to sleep. Insomnia kept me from the peace of my dreams and the escape from this nightmare. That moment replayed in my head like an old broken movie reel. The numbness was starting to subside, and the ache in my heart was growing stronger. This was day one of a very long week.

****

I
snuck out of bed before daybreak and took a shower. I could have used Braedyn's bathroom, but chose to use the guest bathroom. I wanted to rinse away yesterday and hoped today would be better.

Maybe I had just misunderstood the situation. The problem was I didn't really know the situation. We had never really talked about us. If there was an
us
. We needed to talk.

"You in there, Len?" Kylie asked through the door.

"Yeah, hold on." I unlocked the door for her. I was already dressed.

She leaned on the counter with an inquisitive smirk on her face. "So?"

"Nothing happened, Kylie." My voice sounded upset and annoyed. I really didn't want to talk about it.

"Okay, I can tell you're upset. What happened?"

"I don't really know. We were sitting on his bed having a moment, and right when we were about to kiss, he bailed."

"Huh? That's weird, right?" she asked.

"You tell me. You're the experienced one."

"Wow. What does that mean?"

"Oh, come on, Kylie," I said matter-of-factly.

"Okay, fine. I admit I have some experience, but not with this. I've never been
in
love. I don't know how it's supposed to work."

"I feel so humiliated and stupid. Maybe this really is one-sided." The water works were about to flow. Kylie grabbed me and hugged me tightly.

"Listen to me, Len. You've never given yourself a break from all of this. You need to just enjoy life and forget about love for a while. This is too much for any one person to handle all at once. He is surrounded by Dean's friends here. Whether he has feelings for you or not, this may not be the right place or time for you guys."

Fuck, she was right. It was senseless for me to get swept up in my fantasy of flying out here and us being together like nothing or no one else mattered.

But Braedyn was thoughtless for not being stronger than the judgment his friends would place on him. I refused to leave here with regret on my conscience. He could carry that for both of us.

****

I
felt somewhat renewed after talking to Kylie. I wanted to give Braedyn and me a fair chance, and one day was not a fair chance. We all chipped in to make breakfast. Kylie did her best to break up the tension between us when it rose. As Braedyn scrambled eggs on the stove, I flipped bacon. I loved the smell of bacon. Of course, it was turkey bacon. None of us ate beef or pork. The space in the kitchen was tight, so we were practically on top of each other as we both worked our stations on the stovetop. When we would accidentally graze each other, my skin would flare up. Last night, had left me extremely unsatisfied, and I just wanted to rip the mixing spoon out of his hands and jump on him. I would not leave until we figured out this thing between us. We hadn't really spoken since last night. No one really wanted to address the elephant in the room.

"I'm sorry about last night," he murmured sincerely. "I tried to tell you, but you were asleep."

What could I say to that? I wanted to tell him the truth. That he was an asshole for leaving me hanging. That I felt stupid, but I didn't. Instead, I just brushed it off like I did with so many other things. "It's okay."

He caressed the side of my arm with his thumb briefly and then went back to cooking. His touch lingered on my skin for the rest of the morning. Every once in a while I would touch the spot, hoping there would be more moments like that one soon.

"You guys want to go walking around the mall or something? It's kind of hot to be outside during the day," Braedyn suggested.

"That sounds cool," said Kylie. "You going to hang with us today, Chase?"

"Sure. Until I have to go to work."

I just smiled as my contribution to the suggestion.

After we cleaned up, we drove to the mall. It was a massive indoor mall, and it was beautiful. Kylie and Chase had taken the backseats, forcing the already uncomfortable situation to build. We didn't talk during the fifteen-minute drive. I don't think we had much to say publicly after last night. We needed to talk privately, and I was hoping that would be sooner rather than later.

When we got out of the car, Braedyn took my hand as if he was reading my mind. The gesture made me hopeful and kick-started the flutters in my chest. Kylie acknowledged the gesture too with a wink.

As the tension faded, the silliness began. I jumped on Braedyn's back, and he carried me piggyback for a while. I loved pressing my chest on his back. It was innocent intimacy, but one that I relished in. Our cheeks would touch every so often when we talked, and when we weren't, I would take the opportunity to rest my head up against his neck. I had to restrain myself from sucking on his earlobe and kissing his neck.

We were being as intimate as we could be publicly, our unspoken feelings creating heat between us. I wanted the day to be over, so we could go back to his place and cut open our thoughts and spill out our love for each other under the veil of his sheets. No judgment from friends or meaningless insecurities. Just us, true and raw.

The day dragged on. It was fun, but I couldn't stop thinking about getting him alone. His friends wanted to go cliff jumping, so we met them at a watering hole surrounded by high cliffs in the middle of nowhere. There was no way in hell I was jumping off a cliff, not even for love.

Kylie whined, "Come on, Len. It'll be fun. Live a little," as we climbed the massive trail.

"You are off your rocker if you think I'm going to do it." I had always been terrified of heights and not the biggest fan of water. I had almost drowned once when I was younger, and the moment haunted me to this day.

She ran ahead with Chase and left Braedyn and me behind.

"Will you jump if I hold your hand?"

His voice was so enticing I would probably say yes to anything.

"Maybe," I flirted back.

"Deal." He smiled.

What did I just agree to? Love made you do crazy things. But when I thought about the saying
to take a flying leap
I didn't think I would be taking it out of the figurative context into the literal realm. When we reached the top, the others had already jumped and were now splashing each other below.

"I can't believe we are jumping in fully clothed. Your car is going to get soaked."

"Are you really worried about my car?"

He had turned the flirting up ten notches in the last ten minutes. "No, I guess not."

"Give me your hand." He held his out.

I placed mine in his and let him lead me to the edge.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"No."

He leaned in and planted a teasing kiss on my cheek close to my ear lobe and whispered, "Yes, you are."

I almost fainted from the electricity he spilled into me as his warm breath penetrated my ear, the fear of heights forgotten. He started to count, and I closed my eyes, putting my life in his hands.

"One, two, three."

We launched off the edge, flew through the air, and dropped into the water below. His hand never let go of mine. Under the water, he wrapped his free hand around my neck and pulled me in close to him. Our bodies pressed firmly against each other. It was hard to see, but I could feel his urgency to kiss me. As we surfaced, our audience clapped and taunted us. Another interrupted opportunity.

The rest of the day consisted of playful flirting. I had forgiven him for last night and could see a future with him more clearly now. I tried to ignore the fact that we lived a state apart, but I was on the precipice of a huge change anyway. I could easily transfer out here if things went that way. I had options, and for the first time in my life, I was willing to float with the tide instead of fighting against it.

As it got later, both of us could tell it was time to break away from the group. He squeezed my hand reassuringly as if he knew how nervous I was about being alone with him. God, I loved him. Kylie snuck over.

"Okay, so I'm going to hang with the group and let you guys be alone."

"Thanks. I'm so fucking nervous, Ky. Dean's the only one I have ever been with."

"You'll be fine. Just don't think and go with it. I'll see you later." She hugged me quickly and bounced off as Braedyn came back.

"You ready?" he asked as he took my hand again.

"Yes." Oh no, did that sound desperate? I tucked my head down as we walked to the car quietly. The flirting continued, but on a different level as the sexual tension climbed the steep hill to the peak. I couldn't help but think about what was about to happen.

Nothing ever happened the way you imagined it. It wasn't like the movies with a montage of sexy clips as you got tangled in satin sheets to the perfect song playing in the background. It was awkward at times and nerve racking trying to please but not cross a forbidden line.

The grime on my skin from the cliff jumping earlier had me feeling itchy and unattractive. I tried to hide my embarrassment and discomfort on the way back to his place. When we parked, I jumped out quickly. "I'm just going to take a quick shower before bed," I said as we strolled to the front door.

"You can use mine. It's nicer. I'll use the guest shower."

"Thanks." I tried to hide the quivering in my voice. The hot water would help relax me. I grabbed my pajamas that consisted of a pair of cute sweat shorts and a tank top and went into the bathroom. I turned on the shower to heat up the water as I undressed. I looked in the mirror and was slightly horrified. I was a mess. My hair was in a knotted bun with pieces sticking out everywhere, and my skin was dry. I needed some serious maintenance.

I brushed my teeth quickly, and as the steam covered the mirror, I stepped into the shower and put my head under the waterspout to let the water penetrate every follicle on my head. I already felt cleaner. I washed my face and sat under the water for a minute before I started the cleansing ritual. I was stalling.

The shower door opened, and I was shocked to see Braedyn standing there in all his glory. My heart stopped. I didn't know if I should be embarrassed or elated.