This is What I Did (20 page)

I always run.

I always run, and maybe I am what they say.

I wrote this down and it’s supposed to make me feel better.

It doesn’t.

Zyler said through the window to meet him at the spot in five minutes.

He just said: Meet me at the spot in five minutes and don’t tell anyone.

Me: Okay.

His face was all messed up and I could tell he was hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t say anything.

After he left I didn’t know what to do. He maybe killed his dad and what about Cami and they were kissing and then her shirt all open and torn and he might have killed his dad.

I thought.

I thought maybe I wouldn’t go out there.

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three minutes.

Four minutes.

Five minutes.

At six minutes I started to walk around and around my room.

Seven minutes.

Eight minutes.

At nine minutes I sat on the floor and sort of just sat there.

Ten minutes.

And at eleven minutes was when I started to cry.

Twelve minutes.

Thirteen minutes.

At fourteen minutes Zyler was back at my window, and I wiped off my face to try to look normal even though I couldn’t.

He looked at me and said: Open the window.

I didn’t.

Zyler: Please, Logan. Open the window.

I still didn’t.

Zyler: I’m out here with Cami and she’s hurt and I don’t know what to do. Please, Logan. I know you were there. I need you. Please help me.

I didn’t.

And that’s when Zyler, who was my best friend and so brave and so strong, that’s when he started to cry too. Shaking. Crying.

And me shaking, crying.

Zyler: Please?

But I couldn’t do anything.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I’m so sorry.

I never saw Zyler again.

That night I heard the sirens and I didn’t do anything.

I found out later that Zyler had taken Cami home and then I don’t know where he went. But I do know that the cops found him and took him away because the next day I got up early and rode over there.

Police tape all around the house and then on the morning news: Sexual assault on a young girl. Possibly both a father and son involved in the attack. Details still being sorted out. Father in hospital in critical condition. Son in custody of the state. The 911 call put in by the father of the victim around midnight.

When they found out about it, Mom and Dad wanted to talk about it.

I said: I don’t want to.

They said: Okay.

And okay.

After a few days, one of our teachers said that Zyler had moved and Cami transferred schools.

That was because everyone kept talking and wanting to know.

Macy said she was going to transfer schools too — next year.

I wanted to see what she knew so I asked her: What happened?

Her:

Me: I won’t tell anyone. Is she okay?

Macy: No.

Me: What happened?

Macy: Don’t act like you don’t know, Logan. Everyone knows you were involved. You and Zyler. Everyone knows.

And then she stalked off and wouldn’t ever talk to me except for when she had to, like, in school stuff.

I left my bike in our spot — just in case Zyler had run away from the cops or something and he came back or something and his bike wasn’t there and he needed to get away.

Mom and Dad wanted to try to find him so I could call or contact him, but I didn’t know how mad he’d be. I didn’t know what I’d say.

Me: I don’t feel like talking to him.

Them: Why?

Me: I just don’t.

And then I’d go to my room.

Later, not long later, I didn’t have to go to school.

Like Macy said, everyone knew and since I was Zyler’s best friend it meant I was involved or I knew something or both.

I didn’t want to go to school.

Mom and Dad said I didn’t have to go.

It was okay.

So I stayed in my room and I didn’t come out.

And then we moved.

I got an e-mail from Zyler sixteen days after he disappeared.

subject: Gone

Date: Today

1 message

From: Zyler

To: Logan

I don’t know what to say to you. I still don’t get it, Logan. You know I had to do it. guess you made the decision you thought you had to make, but I never would have done that to you. I really don’t think I would’ve.