This Too Shall Pass (25 page)

Or upstairs.

Her head did that shaking thing along with the grumble deep in her throat. She slid the pants that were well on their way of being a pile on the floor back over her hips and walked toward the, tapping on the door. Now what?

“Hang on,” she called after getting a deviant premonition, stopping at her dresser first.

“Lex?” Cory quietly said from behind the door.

“What, Cory? I’m a little busy here.” Alexis held the door open with the magic wand. Cory’s eyes went right to the toy.

“Um.”

“What? What do you want? It’s late.”

“I forget.”

“Goodnight, Cory.”

“Wa-wa-wait.”

“What, you remember now?”

“Well, no. Are you? You know?”

“Yes, Cory. That’s exactly what I am about to do.”

“I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“That I got to you. You don’t have to do it that way. I can help. It’ll be a lot more intimate this way.”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I use this thing at least four times a week. Not once do I think of you. I don’t want the intimacy. Sleep well.”

Alexis closed the door, leaned against it with a smirk, and put the toy back. Top drawer, below the socks where Riki couldn’t find it again. That was the last thing on her mind. She was happy that she’d just made it the last thing on Cory’s, too. The pajama pants became a pile on the floor and Alexis laid down with a sigh. A tired sigh. She was sure she was asleep before the second hand made it around a whole turn on the ticking clock across the room.

Riki was the one to wake Alexis the following morning. It was barely even daylight, seven-thirty. Alexis tried to get her to lay down with her for a while, but she wasn’t having it. Santa came and they had to open presents. NOW! Kinley was going to be so fussy. Alexis sat up, trying to join in the excitement.

“Go wake Kinley. Be nice,” Alexis said through a yawn. After a stop at the bathroom, Alexis retrieved smiling Kinley, not grumpy at all. Not yet anyway. Alexis changed her and followed Riki down the steps.

“Where’s my dad.”

“He’s here. I’m going to start coffee and then we’ll open gifts.” Alexis set Kinley to the floor and looked to Cory, sound asleep with his hands over his head. Just like Riki and Kinley slept. One foot was flat on the floor and the other one was bent at the knee, leaned against the back of the sofa. She didn’t know what she felt anymore. She wanted to hate him, but in the same breath, she was happy he was there. How could that be? She was like Jekyll and Hyde. It was the hormones. That’s what it was. She did hate him.

“Daddy! Santa came!” Riki yelled, pulling her from her thoughts. Alexis walked away, letting the girls take care of waking their dad.

Her feelings toward Cory didn’t matter. The girls and their excitement made it impossible to be in a mood. It was Christmas and she was going to be happy. She was happy. Riki ended up opening most of Kinley’s gifts. She lost interest after the cowboy boots, almost as noisy as the tap shoes. Cory tried more than once to be intimate with her, but she wasn’t having it. She wasn’t the weak desolate he thought she was.

Cory hung the new magnet boards in the attic playhouse while Alexis prepared dinner.

“Riki said I have to keep this when Kinley is in the attic with her,” Cory said while handing over the baby monitor.

“I’m peeling potatoes. Set it down,” she nodded.

“I was hoping you didn’t leave her alone up there.”

“She’s not alone. She’s with Riki. Listen, Riki is the best babysitter there is. Even if her mind is occupied.”

“What are we going to do for a sitter now?”

“I don’t know. I am going to stay home with them for a couple months. I can work from home, but I don’t want to do that all the time. I need my studio.”

“Maybe I could talk Ellen into moving here. She’s not really doing anything else.”

“I would love Ellen taking care of them, but I don’t see Ellen moving to this one horse town. What’s her story anyway? No family?”

“She has a sister, that’s all I know. Do you want some help?”

“No, I’ve got it. You can take off right after dinner if you want.”

“What if I don’t want to? What if I just stayed here? All of their presents are here. They’re going to want to play with them all day. It’s Christmas, that’s what kids do on Christmas.”

“You should have thought of that. I don’t want you to stay here, Cory. You need to take them and go after dinner. You can load up the gifts you brought.”

Cory took a deep breath and left the kitchen, back to the attic to play with the girls. The girls who did want him. Alexis listened to them play through the forgotten baby monitor, laughing and having fun.

Dinner was good, yet strained. Cory knew Alexis wasn’t going to cave this time. She meant business and he was finally getting it. It was bittersweet.

“Do you want desert? I made dirt-pudding,” Alexis asked Riki, pushing her plate away and holding her stomach.

“No way. I’m too full.”

“I’ll fix you some to take with you,” Alexis offered.

Alexis wasn’t joking. Cory was sent packing with a fussy, sleepy, Kinley, and Riki with a bag full of her favorite toys. The rest of her Christmas was spent, cleaning up the mess, a nap, and then a visit to her parents. Alexis was content. She could do this without Cory. She would do it.

Twelve

Alexis worked in the studio office for the next couple weeks with Kinley. It wasn’t so bad. She was easy to entertain, and when she needed attention, Alexis would stop what she was doing and give it to her. January was a slow month anyway. January and February. March picked back up for Easter portraits and that’s when Alexis decided to look for a sitter.

Cory was odd. One day he was a dick, and the next he was in his family mode. It didn’t matter though, Alexis held her own. She knew what she wanted and she knew he wasn’t a part of that plan. Not anymore.

The second week in February was when Alexis discovered what a real broken heart was. Shattered into a million little pieces. Kinley was sound asleep in the pack and play behind her desk, Bernie was somewhere in the studio, and Alexis was doing some tax preparation on her computer. The fifteenth date to the right of the computer screen reminded her to call the doctor. She had to call the doctor. There was no more denying this baby. He was coming in a few short weeks.

“What’s wrong, Bernie?” Alexis asked when she looked up to see Bernie’s white face. Something bad happened. It was a look of pure terror, shock, and despair. “Bernie?” Cory stepped around her next, wearing the exact same expression. He moved around Bernie’s numb body and to Alexis.

“Lex,” he said while spinning her to him and taking both her hands.

“What the fuck is going on?” A surge of panic shot through her body and she came to her feet. “Oh, God. Where’s Riki. Is Riki okay?”

“Riki’s fine, Alexis. She’s at school. It’s not her.”

“What do you mean? Who is it?”

“It’s your dad.”

“What do you mean? Bernie?” Alexis asked when Cory didn’t satisfy her question. Bernie couldn’t speak either. Tears swelled in her eyes and her hand covered her mouth.

Her face was pulled back to Cory’s when he cupped her face. “He’s gone, Lex.”

“Gone? What does that mean? Gone where?” Alexis swallowed the dry lump, forming in her throat and looked around for her cell phone. She picked it up and Cory took it away from her.

“Jim found him in the barn about an hour ago.”

“Found him doing what?”

“Lex, he’s gone. He had a heart attack.”

Alexis fell to her black leather chair, trying to comprehend what was going on. This was a dream, a nightmare. “Where’s my mom? I have to go to my mom.”

“I’ll drive you,” Cory offered.

Alexis gave him a glazed over stare. “I don’t want you. Take Kinley.”

The next few hours was a fog. Lola was heartbroken, but not like Alexis. Alexis didn’t understand it. Her world had just crumbled beneath her, leaving her with a scattered foundation, and her mother was making arrangements with Pastor Chuck. How could she do this? How could she be explaining what Walt wanted, what he would wear, the service and even the dinner at the barn after the funeral?

“Mom, I’m going to go,” Alexis spoke, interrupting the arrangements.

Lola stepped away from the Pastor, sitting at the kitchen table with her, Sam, Jim, Paige, and Bernie. “Are you okay?” she questioned, walking with her.

Her heart and her mind was screaming no, she wasn’t okay, but her mouth stayed strong for her mom. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Alexis. Your dad was a Christian man. He loved the Lord like he no other. He’s happy, Alexis. Believe that.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I love you. I’m right across the field if you need me.”

“I’m okay, dear. You be okay, too.”

“I will.”

Bernie drove Alexis’s car back toward town while Alexis rode shotgun in the same fog. This wasn’t happening. It was so surreal. Her daddy was gone. She was never going to hear Sputter-Bug again. Who was going to talk her out of these funks? She had a baby coming, she needed him. Who was going to convince her of the logical things in life she needed to hear? Walt was gone. Her daddy was gone.

“You okay, Lex?”

“Not really, Bernie. I didn’t get to say goodbye. How could this happen. Just like that? Why? Why him? He didn’t deserve this.”

“I don’t know, Lex. I’m as shocked as you are. It was so sudden. No warning, nothing.”

Alexis’s hands beat the dash out of anger with two forceful punches. “I’m so mad, Bernie. I’m so fucking angry. How can this be happening? My dad always promised God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. He lied. He fucking lied,” she screamed through a sob. Bernie pulled the car off the side of the gravel road and came to her side. Alexis grabbed her shirt and wailed, crying in agony, trying to grasp it all. Her dad was gone. She was never going to talk to him again. Walt McKinley was gone.

Bernie tried to get Alexis to let her come home with her. She’d already gotten ahold of Travis and he would be there with Taylor. Alexis wouldn’t have it. She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts, her memories, and her broken heart.

The drive back to her house was much the same. A dreamlike fog. The hours that past as the evening moved on consisted of Alexis staring at the fire drifting in and out of crying bouts with Mr. Dog close by her side. He knew, he sensed it, and he wasn’t about to leave her.

Her eyes shifted to the clock above the mantle, right between Riki and Kinley when she heard the door open.

“You okay?” Cory asked, sitting right beside her.

Alexis jerked her hand from his. “Where’s Riki and Kinley?”

“Sam has them.”

“Why? Can’t you do anything like a man? Go get your daughters.”

“Let me be here for you, Lex,” Cory begged.

“Yeah, because you’re really good at that. Fuck you. Fuck you, Cory. You don’t get to just come in and out of my life. Go away!” Alexis pushed him with her hands, wanting him to leave. She didn’t want Cory. She never wanted him again. She should have been focused on spending time with her dad, and not him. She wanted him to leave.

“Okay, okay, I’ll call and check on you later.”

“I won’t answer.”

Cory unwillingly left her alone. There was nothing else he could do. She wouldn’t let him do anything else. Alexis spent the rest of the night staring at the dying fire. Just like her dad. It burned bright and hot, slowly withering away to nothing more than a smolder, and then ash.

****

Two days later Alexis sat in the back of the church, alone and scared. This was it. This was the last day she was ever going to see him. As soon as this day was over, Walt’s earthly body would never be seen again. She wouldn’t hug him, she wouldn’t hear his words of wisdom, and she would never hear, Sputter Bug again, ever. This was it.

Cory slid in beside her, dressed in a black suit and tie. He moved his arm behind her and she slid away. He tried to take her hand and she pulled it away. She didn’t want Cory. She wanted her dad. She would promise to never talk to Cory Baker again if she could just have her dad.

“How are you?” Cory asked while the church filled to standing room only. Alexis answered with a squinted dirty look. Her eyes stayed on the tear stained tissue, crumbled in her hand. She could see the dark wood, centered between the front pews without looking. The red, white, and blue flowers on top of the coffin was prominent without looking up. She could see them through the multitude of heads, there to pay their respects to Walt McKinley. And she knew her dad lay at peace in the satin-lined box, but she didn’t want to see him. She couldn’t do it.

The congregation stood when Pastor Chuck took the podium with grim despair. Looking out to his mass, the pastor began to speak. Alexis didn’t move she stayed seated, afraid of her legs not holding her while she listened to the words of farewell.  

“Dear Lord, this moment seems to be unbearable for this family. Nothing appears to help the loss this family is feeling. Hearts are broken and spirits mourn. This day is the hour. The hour that begins the healing. Moment, by moment time will pass. Dear Lord, we choose to lean on you, for when we are at our weakest, your strength is at its strongest. We pour our grief out to you, and praise you on this on one glorious day, when the suffering as extinguished and love has conquered, we shall walk together again. This too shall pass.”

Alexis looked through the crowd of people when Pastor Chuck ordered his congregation to sit. Her eyes locked with his and her hand pulled away from Cory’s again. She didn’t want his hand. What part of that didn’t he understand? The Pastor told a few stories about Walt over the years, how he was the most benevolent, compassionate man he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing. He talked about how Walt had a way of taking every situation and turning it into something positive.

“I remember once when he came to me thirty years ago. He was in trouble. He’d practically raised six kids. His youngest was three years out of the house when number seven decided to come along.” Alexis locked eyes with Pastor Chuck while he described her surprised appearance into the family. “That little girl kept that man on his toes from the moment she popped into this world, following him around like a little lost puppy. Without an ounce of doubt, I’m sure that little girl kept Walt McKinley young, vibrant, and full of life. Everything happens for a reason. Everything,” the pastor quietly promised.

Alexis stood with the rest of the flock the next time he asked them to rise. This was it. The lid would be closed on the box, and her dad would be carried to the cemetery behind the church. Her knees began to shake and her hands became clammy. This was it. This was really goodbye. The words the pastor spoke from that moment on were unheard. She knew she had to go to him. She couldn’t let them carry him out without saying goodbye. Her eyes went to the coffin and she saw him from a far. Her eyes never closed when the preacher asked that they bowed their head for the last prayer. The last prayer that Walt would ever hear in this church.

Her hand swiped a tear with the back of her hand and she swallowed the rest of them down her throat. As soon as the last word was spoken, Alexis moved to the aisle where most of the patrons exited out the front door. Not Alexis. She made her way to the coffin with Cory close behind, not about to take the hint and leave her alone.

He looked good, peaceful. Alexis touched his cold hand and kissed his eerie white skin. “I love you, Daddy,” she whispered, and turned away, moving for her nephews to carry him out. Alexis smiled a warm smile at her mother, sitting in the front pew, and reached for her hand. Jim took the other one and they led Lola to the front parking lot, where they would wait for Pastor Chuck to lead them to the back.

It was cold, yet warm for January. A light drizzle had started, causing the temperature to feel colder than it really was. Alexis wasn’t cold. Alexis was numb. She knew this was going to be hard, but not this hard. Her dad lied. This would not pass. This would never pass. Her world was shattered and nothing else mattered.

Umbrellas stood at attention while family and friends gathered around the closed casket for one more prayer. The last prayer. As soon as the pastor had said amen, he announced the dinner of life, being held at the McKinley farm. Alexis stood frozen, watching the family breakup, and head to their cars.

“Come on, Lex,” Cory coaxed placing his hand lightly on her elbow. She shoved his hand away, covering them both with umbrella and stared after everyone leaving.

“We can’t leave him here!” she screamed, tears streaming with the cold rain. “What are you doing!? It’s raining! We can’t leave him. We can’t!” she cried.

Sam and Jim moved Lola along, not wanting her to see this. This scene they were all afraid was going to happen. Walt loved each and every one of his children, but they all knew there was a bond there that the rest of them never had. Walt spent many hours working when the rest of them were growing up in the house. He and Alexis spent way more time together when she was growing up, and each and every one of them was afraid of this.

“Stop! We’re not leaving him! Jim! Sam! MOM!!!! Where are you going? Stop! Please stop,” Alexis cried words that became weaker and weaker. She couldn’t stop this. This was really happening. Her dad was gone. Alexis looked to the heavens, feeling the rain sting her face and cried out. Cory caught her from dropping to her knees, trying like hell to keep his own tears at bay. Not for Walt. For Alexis. She was in so much pain and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Alexis let him lead her to his truck, feeling like she was floating, like this was all a dream.

“I’m going to take her home,” Cory told Travis as he helped her to the passenger side of his truck. Bernie was already in the car. She couldn’t stand it either. She couldn’t stand seeing her best friend this broken, unable to help. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.

“I’m going to the farm with my family,” Alexis ordered.

“We’ll see you there,” Cory countered, giving her what she wanted.

The short drive was spent in silence. Alexis asked where the girls were and Cory told him they were already at the farm. That was it. Alexis stared out the window trying not to think of the awful things running through her mind, like her dad being lowered into the cold winter ground as they drove to a warm meal.

“I’ll drive you up to the door and then park,” Cory offered as they pulled to the dirt road, following the multitude of cars.