This Very Moment (19 page)

“I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I want to. Can you tell me? I mean, we’re friends, right?”

Bill suddenly wished they were alone instead of in a crowded restaurant. He longed to take her into his arms as he had wanted to do from the moment he had arrived at Jeffery’s. He wanted to tell her that he had discovered during the past week how much he loved her, that his life meant nothing without her by his side. But did he have the right to say these things when he still yearned for Nicole? Did he have the right when he couldn’t even tell her how seeing Jeffery had affected him? Why couldn’t he make sense of it all?

There was another fear, so close to the surface that it nearly blotted out all rational thought. The fear that he would win Kylee only to lose her. He couldn’t go through that again. He simply couldn’t.

Kylee began gathering the remains of the lunch. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Can you take a drive with me?” Bill asked, daring to hope.

“Sure.”

They left her car at the restaurant, and he drove once more to the observatory at Griffith Park. The sun was still high and the city of Los Angeles had not yet dressed up in her evening lights.

“Here again?” Kylee asked. “This was where we came on the night of your award banquet.”

“Yes.”
The night you told me about Emily.
“It loses a lot of its appeal during the day, but it’s habit for me to come here.”

Kylee settled back in her seat. “Don’t you need to go to work or something?”

“I got someone to cover for me. I’ll have to work overtime to catch up, but it’s worth it.”

In the confinement of his Blazer, Bill could smell her perfume. As one, they turned and faced each other. “Tell me,” she urged softly. “Is this about Jeffery and why you changed your mind?”

Bill swallowed his fear and spoke from his heart. “No, it’s about us. You see, I . . . I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. If I’m going to, then I don’t want . . . I mean . . .”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Her voice was gentle.

He closed his eyes. “Neither was Nicole.”

Kylee took his hands and held them until he looked at her. He saw she was crying. “Don’t,” he said.

“I’m not Nicole, and I know I can never replace her in your life. But what we have is real. I’m crazy about you.”

“I don’t want you to be Nicole. She’s gone forever.”

“I don’t believe that. God has a plan. I think we’ll see her again in heaven, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t.” He couldn’t understand why she insisted on bringing God into their relationship. “Nicole is gone, so what she wants doesn’t matter. That’s what I believe. Yet for some stupid reason I feel unfaithful, and now I’m afraid both of losing you and keeping you.”

Kylee groaned. “You’re not making sense.”

Her closeness tempted Bill to forget about conversation, but he knew he had to tell her how he felt, or at least some of it. “I know I’m not making sense. What I’m trying to say is if we continue with this relationship and all goes well, then we’ll be together for longer than I even knew Nicole. You’ll mean more to me than she did.” He trembled as she touched his face, her fingers coming away wet. Funny, he hadn’t noticed his own tears. “I know it seems silly,” he continued, “but I feel as though I’m betraying her.”

“She loved us both. She would want us to be happy—wherever that may lead us.”

He hugged her. “I want to believe that. I really do.”

She kissed him then, and all his barriers cracked.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he whispered against her lips.

“Good, ’cause I sort of feel the same way.”

Bill kissed her with increasing emotion and her warm lips answered back. His body felt hot inside his jacket, despite the cool breeze coming through his partially open window. They sat holding each other and overlooking L.A. for a long time, lost in the newness of their love.

Then Kylee shivered. “Could you roll up your window? It’s getting chilly.”

He laughed, rubbing her arms, still clad in her jacket. “And I thought you were from Minnesota. Don’t they have lots of snow?”

“I may have grown up there, but now I always go somewhere warm during the winter. Why do you think I’m in California?”

Her words brought a lot of other questions to mind. Like where she planned on going next, and where that would leave their relationship. He couldn’t make her stay.
She said she loves me,
he thought, fighting his growing panic.
I can’t have faith in her God, but I can have faith in her. Besides, she needs me for the children.

Bill knew this last thought did her an injustice, but it made him feel remarkably better. He kissed her again deeply. She clung to him, and a tenderness he had thought long dead encompassed his entire body. What was that feeling? Love? No, something greater.
Maybe I’m insane.
He shrugged the feeling aside as she drew away.

“So what now?” she asked.

Bill knew she was asking about their future but he chose to misunderstand, to give himself more time. “I guess I should check in at work. I’d like to see when we can get Jeffery in. If we work fast, maybe we can do it so we can have the bandages off for Christmas. Those from his first surgery, that is. I’ll know more when I’ve examined him.”

Gratitude glowed in her eyes, and Bill was glad that he had finally found the strength to do what she needed, what they both needed. Nicole would be proud.

 He took Kylee back to McDonald’s and reluctantly watched her drive away. The fear of losing her returned, but it was smaller now, overshadowed by love.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Kylee’s mind reeled with the events of the day. So much had gone wrong, but then so much else had gone right. She felt blessed and protected.
And Bill loves me!
She had a feeling that the going wouldn’t be easy, but she wouldn’t give up on him. Years ago he had believed in God. He had been free of bitterness and pain. He could be so again.
If only he would pray,
she thought.
Then he would feel the Lord’s presence and His love.

She went into her own room and knelt by her bed, resting her arms on the blankets. Her thankfulness poured out to the Lord. Sometimes enduring to the end was all she could do, but by answering her need to help the children, the Lord had shown her how much He cared about her individual situation. With His support, she would continue.

When she arose from her knees, she felt refreshed and content. There were still problems, but now with Bill entering the battle, her burden was lighter. She looked happily around the apartment. A stack of paperwork awaited her attention on the desk in her room, but she had other plans.

“I know exactly what this place is missing.”

In her hall closet she found the three large boxes, worn now with years of being hauled around to different cities or storage sheds when she went overseas. On the boxes she had scrawled
CHRISTMAS
in red marker.

Next, she pulled out her tree from under the bed and also a box of ornaments. After the pieces were put together, the tree was shorter and thinner than she thought a tree should be, but the ornaments made it look nicer. She had to tape three more of the sagging tree branches so they would poke out right, but that was nothing new. She had bought the now-dilapidated thing in college and couldn’t bear to throw it away. Every year she taped a few more branches into place. This year she had planned to buy a new one, but now she needed to save all the money she could until she could afford to pay herself a small salary.

She went to work on the other boxes, and in short order her small apartment was glistening with tinsel, bells, angels, and more. She lined the mantle, the back of the sofa, the coffee table, the top of the kitchen cupboards, the windows, and the door with colored lights. Over the years she had collected far too many decorations for the small apartment, but she put them all out anyway. Finished, she stood back to admire her handiwork and had to admit that the effect was rather garish. Yet the whole scene raised her spirits further.

Now what she needed was a candle or incense to make the room smell like the tree was real. Even she could afford that. She swept up her purse, but as she opened her apartment door she found Bill standing outside, his hand raised to ring the bell.

“Yie!” Kylee gasped. “You scared me!”

“Are you just leaving? I was beginning to think you were psychic. May I come in?”

Kylee hesitated. “I’m not sure you’re ready for this.”

“Ready for what?” He pushed his way inside and gave a long, low whistle. “What happened here? Did a Christmas bomb go off?” From the end table he picked up a candle in the shape of a fat snowman and tossed it from one hand to the other.

“No. And be careful with that.” Rescuing the snowman, she set it carefully on a pile of cotton next to a matching Santa. “But wait, you haven’t seen the full effect.” She turned on the lights.

Bill whistled again. “You never told me you were decoratively handicapped.”

“I prefer to think of it as differently decorative.” She sniffed, before winking and giving him a wry smile. “I know it’s a lot all at once, but I love my decorations and I love Christmas. This place is just a little small.”

“Hmmm,” he said, obviously succumbing to tact.

“Why are you here anyway? You were going to work.”

“I did. My substitute had it covered, and I missed you so I left again.”

Kylee could see he was telling the truth and felt suddenly shy. “Well, you should have come earlier and you could have helped me with the tree.”

“It does look a bit lopsided.”

“I like it that way.”

He peered closer. “I never knew trees were made of masking tape. It must be a new brand.”

Kylee’s laughter bubbled up and over. “Shut up, will you? I’d like to see
your
decorations.”

“I don’t have any.”

She blinked. “You don’t?”

“No, nothing.”

A sad tenderness filled Kylee’s heart. She couldn’t imagine not having any Christmas decorations. Even someone who claimed not to believe in God could have lights and a Santa. “Well, we can solve that.” She began putting some of her things back into one of the discarded boxes. “You can afford lights, can’t you?”

“Wait, wait, wait! I don’t know if I could live like this till January.”

“Trust me,” she said.

He looked at her oddly. “I do.”

“Then come on.”

They went first to the store to buy more strings of colored lights, as well as a few green garlands with white lights woven along the lengths. Then Kylee insisted he buy a real tree. “What do I need a tree for?” he asked.

“For my ornaments, of course.”

Bill raised his hands in defeat. “All right. Whatever your heart desires.”

“Whatever?” Kylee’s heart thumped strangely. “You’d better be careful what you say. I might believe you.” She purposely made the words light but meant them all the same. He had said he loved her, and while she knew that was a tremendous step for him, she craved more. Marriage, another child, even the white picket fence—or something similar. But there was still much left unsaid, feelings he hadn’t shared. No matter what, she wouldn’t settle for a relationship that didn’t include marriage. That made it too easy to walk away.

Of course, marriage hadn’t prevented Raymond from leaving her.