Thrash (24 page)

“
Not the same thing,
baby,” I say, holding him close.

“
Club shit we gotta talk
about,” he says. His hands skim my sides so lightly it tickles, but
I fight to avoid moving. “Bad shit’s gone down, baby. Told you
Princess ain’t who you think she is, but you know that now seein’
as you somehow made friends with her.” This is true. I wasn’t happy
the first time Alex showed up at Universal Grounds with Ruby, but
after thinking it over, I decided that the best way to deal with
your competition is to know your competition— not that I worry
about that anymore. But at the time it was critical. In the few
times we’ve hung out, I’ve mentioned Duke once or twice. Her nose
always turns up. which tells me all I need to know. No way if she’d
had his dick would she look that annoyed at the mention of his
name.

“
The short history is that
Jim promised Ruby he’d always keep her kids safe. Princess wasn’t
safe. so we went and got her,” he says.

“
Why wasn’t she safe?” I
ask. I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask or even what I should be
asking. Duke’s lips turn down into a pout

“
The Italian mob doesn’t
really like it when you give them up to the cops,” he says. My
stomach drops. and I let my head fall against his shoulder. “Wasn’t
right to tell you before now—the nickname Princess? She’s what they
call the Principessa to the Mancuso crime family. Lesson, babe.
Doesn’t matter who your daddy is if you’re a snitch.” I suck in a
breath of air. but it doesn’t feel like I’m breathing. Alex is a
snitch? There’s so much running through my head right now that I
force myself to stop trying to process it all.

“
Mancuso’s locked up. and
so are most of his higher ranking men, but he’s got guys with
something to prove. Couple of ‘em made a trip out here, they
ambushed us at the house—took Princess. One of ‘em was her
brother—her twin brother.” Not knowing what to say, I rub my hands
up and down his arms. This is serious shit, and on top of it, it’s
serious club shit. This isn’t the kind of stuff he wouldn’t tell me
if he didn’t trust me. Sharing club business with me is
huge.

His body tenses as he recalls the scene
in the warehouse when he arrived. Alex was being beaten, and
according to Duke there was so much blood he didn’t even know if
she was going to make it. I’ve seen him since the night he says
this all happened, but it’s been brief. Usually I’m in a deep sleep
by the time he comes home. and he goes straight to the shower. Most
nights he takes me slowly, but sometimes he’s so on edge I have to
ask him to be careful. Used to be, he’d be home every night, but
lately it’s been less frequent.

“
Her brother—he’s Ruby’s
son,” I say, stating the obvious. He blows out a deep breath and
nods.

“
Club voted. We give
Junior the same protection we’re giving Princess. Don’t like it. He
fucked her up good. Kept thinking how Trigger had to feel—how I’d
feel if I were him and it were you,” he says with a strained voice.
When he looks me in the eyes, his are watery and they dart from
side to side almost maniacally.

“
It wasn’t me,” I say. I
try to keep my voice soothing and gentle because right now my man
needs gentle. “She okay?” He lets out a hearty laugh that sounds
hollow.

“
Kid’s a fuckin’ trooper,”
he says. “I’ve never seen anyone take a beating the way she did.”
Then he sobers and looks me straight in the eyes. “She could have
died.”

“
What is it with you and
this girl?” I ask. I try to backtrack, but it’s too late. I just
hope it doesn’t come out as accusing as it sounds in my
head.

“
Way she looks at Trigger,
like he’s her lifeline—like he’s the only thing that’s stopping her
entire world from spinning? It’s crazy. and I don’t get it. Guy’s a
prick,” he says horsely. Giving me a slight squeeze, he clears his
throat and says, “But you gave yourself to me, and every day you
give me a little more. First fuckin’ time in my life, Nicole, and
everything is fucking still. Nothing spins.”

The gravity of his words hit me in the
center of my entire goddamn being. Because, well, damn.

Nothing spins.

“
There’s stuff I gotta
say,” I whisper. My eyes are wide, my heart’s about to beat out of
my chest, and it’s only when I open my mouth that I realize what
we’ve been building up to. I’d say I love him, but those words are
such bullshit. I open my mouth only to close it twice before I
realize the only thing I need to say right now is what’s already
been said.

“
Nothing spins,” I
whisper. He’s given me solid ground for the first time in years.
When I’m with him. I know I’m wanted and I’m cared for, but even
more than that—I’m respected. The way his hands travel my body and
he listens to the things I say should have told me this before
now.

Nothing spins.

The weight of my fears presses down on
my chest, not crushing, just hard enough to remind me that we need
to talk. And for the first time I think that just maybe it’s all
gonna be okay if those fears are realized. Because if his world’s
stopped spinning and so has mine, then maybe I want it to be true
and I want things more permanent with him.

Slowly, I crawl off his lap despite his
protests, which I shush into silence, and, taking his hand, I lead
him into the bathroom with me. I turn on the shower and then turn
back to Duke.

He hasn’t moved from the spot I left
him in. Reaching up, I take off his cut and place it on the sink.
Then I remove his tee shirt. When I unclasp his belt, I can feel
him growing beneath the jeans, and when I drag the zipper down, I
notice he’s throbbing.

“
Get it off your chest,
baby. You need to talk it out, so you talk it out,” I say. He says
nothing as he watches me slide his jeans down and then take off his
boots and socks. When his jeans are pooled at his feet, I slowly
drag his boxers down. Still, he says nothing. I stand up and place
my hands on his chest and look him firm in the eyes and say, “Let
me take care of you.”

And it’s all he needs to start talking
as I undress myself. Everything from how they took Michael, Alex’s
brother and the guy he calls Junior, to a safe house out of
town—which is where he’s spent most of his waking hours. He’s all
fucked up over Michael and the things he’s been saying. Duke
doesn’t feel right about ignoring him like Ryan’s ordered him to.
Not that Ryan can order Duke around, so he’s thinking of taking
Michael seriously and talking to Jim about it. As he talks, I walk
him into the steamy shower. When he’s inside he tells me how
Michael flipped out and attacked one of the prospects and Duke had
to intervene.

“
I feel like a tool for
thinking he might be onto something,” he says as I drag the bar of
soap over his taut skin.

“
Take that to the club and
let them vote on it,” I say without even thinking about it. If he
brings it up during church, the club will have to give it
consideration, and then at least it can be off his shoulders and no
longer solely his burden to bear. I can tell he’s holding something
back with the way he’s so tense and frustrated, but I don’t bring
it up. He’ll bring it to me when he’s good and ready and not a
second beforehand.

Once he’s all clean and he’s helped me
wash his hair, I use his body as leverage to steady myself as I
sink to my knees. For years, he’d buddy up to me at the clubhouse
and playfully tell me I should suck his dick. And for years I’d
seriously tell him to go suck his own dick. And after a few minutes
of chitchat, he’d wander off. Sometimes I’d see him with another
woman and sometimes he’d be with two or more. And they’d suck his
dick, they’d ride him, he’d ride them, and they’d fuck each other.
And because sucking dick is a lot of work for little reward, I
don’t like doing it. But right now I want to give him something I
never have. And since I’ve given him my heart and maybe even a
piece of my flesh, I want to give him this.

He looks down at me with hooded eyes,
watching as I circle the head of his shaft and draw him in. I drag
it out, pumping and licking and sucking as long as I can, but
eventually my jaw tires. Placing soft kisses along his shaft I say,
“I’m going to make you forget anyone else has ever been here.” I
wrap my mouth around him, swirling my tongue over his head, and
within a minute, he explodes in my mouth and I drink him
in.

It isn’t until we’re both clean and
tucked into bed that he tells me about Chief and he holds me while
I cry for the first time in years.

Chapter 19

“
No, for real—what the
fuck, Nicole?” Duke snaps angrily from the other side of the door.
“You haven’t been peeing for at least five minutes. You can’t tell
me you still have to pee. We got shit to do.”

I cast a sideways glance at the locked
bathroom door and for the hundredth time, look at the pregnancy
test in my hands. The blue positive sign that showed up less than a
minute after I finished peeing on the damn thing is practically
mocking me.

“
Just another minute,” I
say in a shaky voice.

Last night the possibility of being
pregnant wasn’t so scary, because Duke was suffering some kind of
crisis and he needed me. But now that he’s back to being pushy and
bossy, I’m thinking more clearly. And thinking more clearly when
I’m holding a positive pregnancy test in my hands pretty much
equates to me freaking the fuck out because I’m so not ready for
this shit. This was never something I thought I wanted, but now
that it’s here, a tiny part of me thinks I might want it. A piece
of Duke and me together—bossy and mouthy, and stubborn as can
be—makes fear-induced spinning stop. And I think… maybe? I don’t
know. Maybe I could do this right. But maybe I can’t, and the
thought of fucking up an entire human being is
terrifying.

My mother was a club favorite for
another club somewhere south of here in the Bay Area, and that’s
how she ended up with me. When she met the man who became my
dad—Butch Whelan—she was supposed to stop that shit. Even after
she’d had Jeremy and taken on the domestic role, she was still wild
as all get out. It didn’t seem to matter that my dad would come
home every night and tuck both me and my brother into bed before he
headed back out. It didn’t seem to matter that he put a roof over
her head and food in her belly and gave her enough spending money
that she could blow on stupid porcelain dolls from QVC. None of
that seemed to matter. She’s a whore who likes a whore’s lifestyle,
and because of that she couldn’t handle the mommy role, nor could
she handle the wife role—and she left. From what she told me about
my grandmother before she split, my grandmother left her, too. I
don’t know what caused that, but if genes have anything to do with
it, I’d be willing to bet that dear old grandma was a whore, too.
And whores have no business raising kids. So instead of
perpetuating the cycle, I’d decided to take myself out of the loop.
Or, I thought I had. But now?

Nothing makes sense, but nothing’s
spinning.

Duke’s heavy boots clop
against the carpeted floor as he paces outside the bathroom. It was
almost ten minutes ago when I told him I had to pee real quick. I
knew what I was coming in here to do, I just couldn’t handle
the
‘what if’
anymore. His boots stop at the door and he throws his
knuckles against it again and jiggles the handle.

“
What are you doing,
taking a shit?” he asks, his tone on edge. My face heats even
though I’m not doing what he’s accused me of, and I take one last
look at the positive test and toss it in the garbage.

“
You’re so fucked,” I
whisper, placing my hand on my flat stomach, then I curse myself
for the action. I can’t let myself get too attached to this just
yet. Duke might not want this, and if he doesn’t want it, I won’t
have it. I had a dad who left me and my mom when I was little, then
I had a mom who left. The only one who stuck around was a guy who
didn’t have to. But he did, and despite how much my dad loved
me—formally adopting me and giving me his last name—there’s still a
hole there where my mom used to be. Not being wanted fucks people
up, and I refuse to do that to my kid. Duke knows that—he wasn’t
wanted by his dad, and he’s spent his entire life trying like hell
to fit into the only family he’s ever known—the club. It’s selfish
to have a kid and give it the job of keeping its parents together.
I can’t do that.

And it’s not like I’ve done very well
with Jeremy on my own. We had a meeting with his principal that
lasted over an hour last week. Apparently, he’s failing his summer
class and has no chance of catching up. To make matters worse, he
now has Saturday school the next three weekends in a row for
telling his teacher to eat a bag of dicks. The principal couldn’t
tell me exactly what Jeremy was reacting to, but I could guess. The
boy pretty much mouthed off about anything and everything—still,
telling his teacher to eat a bag of dicks was kind of an extreme
situation. Duke seems to think I’m wearing rose colored glasses
when it comes to Jeremy, and maybe I am. He’s a total shit head,
but he’s still my brother and I can’t help but wonder if other
people are provoking him sometimes. Even though my heart’s in the
right place, I’m still screwing him up at every turn.

I check my reflection in the mirror
above the sink and quickly braid my hair for the ride to Jim and
Ruby’s house. It was probably poor timing to take the test right
before we’re leaving, but oh well. After I’d calmed down about
Chief last night, I told Duke I wanted to see Alex. I may not know
her all that well, but she’s one of the few friends I have who
doesn’t know my every dirty little secret.