Thrash (28 page)

My nerves are so shot, and I’m so on
edge that I just nod and go on inside. The lights in the house are
already on, telling me that Jeremy is home. I haven’t seen too much
of him lately, but the times I have, it’s been better. He’s picked
up after himself more, and he’s not been as mouthy. We still have
our moments, but Duke’s presence in his life seems to be creating a
turn-around for my brother.

“
Hey,” Jeremy calls over
the television. It sounds like he’s playing one of his video games
that has him as a mercenary fighting evil in a foreign land. He got
me to play once and spent the entire time explaining the game to me
to a point that it sucked the fun right out of the experience. The
sound from the TV stops, and he strides up to me. There’s an
awkward look on his face, like he’s trying to work something out in
his brain. Finally, he just asks, “You pregnant?”

The wind practically gets knocked right
out of me. My face flushes, and I’m having trouble making sense of
the question. Not because I don’t know what he’s talking
about—obviously I do—but because he knows. The test. I left the
test in the hall bathroom without even thinking about it. Duke was
in such a rush, and I couldn’t sit in there all day, and the window
is way too high up for me to have crawled through in order to run
away

“
He know?” Jeremy asks. I
shake my head.

“
Don’t say a word to him,”
I warn. “I need to tell him in my own time.” Jeremy
nods.

“
Whatever. Love you, Sis.
But you don’t want him knowing, you shouldn’t have left it in the
bathroom.”

“‘
Don’t want him knowing’
what?” Duke says from the open doorway. His deep voice slams into
my heart in a way that makes it near impossible to keep upright.
This is bad. This is so very bad. Not even my mouthy-ass brother
says a thing. I turn around and face Duke. My eyes are wide and I
shake my head. I keep trying to get the word “nothing” to come out
of my mouth, but it won’t. This isn’t nothing. This is
everything.

“
What did you leave in the
bathroom, Nicole?” he asks. His eyes survey mine for an answer.
“I’m giving you the benefit of explaining before I find out for
myself.”

“
Just, nothing. Stop,
okay?” I say as quickly as I can. I throw my hands up in the air
and move to block his way down the hall. His muscles tense as he
shoves me out of the way and stomps down the hall to the bathroom.
I can hear his feet pacing the room for a minute before he stops.
The metal wastebasket scrapes against the tile floor, and still
he’s silent. I cast a glance at Jeremy, who’s stone faced and
unmoving. His large frame folds in on itself and for a moment, he’s
just a kid again. He’s my little brother who’s in trouble because
he broke one of mom’s stupid QVC dolls.

Duke’s heavy footfalls sound in the
bathroom, and he appears in the hall. In his right hand is the
offending pregnancy test. The expression on his face is almost
unreadable in its anger. I back up into the wall that separates the
living room and kitchen.

“
This nothing?” he asks
with a bite to his tone. “This what you don’t want me to know
about?”

I shake my head from side to side,
almost in disbelief that this is happening. All day I’ve been so
worried about telling him and how he’d react. All day I’ve thought
it over and tried to make sense of having a baby. I’ve been
searching for some sign that I can do this and I won’t fuck it up.
But I’ve found nothing.

“
No,” I say. It doesn’t
come out pissed off and powerful like I intend. It’s a whisper,
followed by a violent panic that overcomes me. He’s angrier than I
expect. For the first time since I’ve known him, I’m honestly
afraid of him.

“
Didn’t want me to know,
huh?” He asks, closing the distance between us. Less than a foot
away now and the cloud of testosterone he always carries with him
washes over me. “Knew you were hiding something, babe. I knew there
was something you weren’t telling me—something you didn’t want me
finding out about. This it?”

“
I didn’t,” I begin, but
he cocks an eyebrow up and leans in closer. His eyes are cold and
unwavering. “Know how… to say it...”

“
Jesus Christ,” he growls.
“You tellin’ me the kid ain’t mine?” He pulls back a second and
then slams his fist into the wall beside me. I close my eyes shut
and tense up. It’s been a long time since I slept with anybody but
him, so no. That’s not even a possibility. A single tear slides
down my cheek. Duke growls and throws his hand into the wall again.
Mistaking my reaction for confirmation, he brings a hand up to my
chin and tilts my face so I’m forced to look at him. “Tell me you
been fuckin’ around on me.”

“
Fuck you,” I snap and
shove him off of me. It does no good. He moves in and covers my
body with his own. He’s got me sandwiched uncomfortably between his
hard chest and the wall behind me. “I haven’t been with anybody
else in months!” I use my arms to try to push him back, but he
doesn’t allow it.

“
Then why don’t you want
me to know?” he says. His voice is gravelly as he lowers his head
and rests it on top of my own.

“
Because,” I begin, “I
might not want this. I might not be able to do this.” I scrunch my
eyes shut to stop myself from crying. The idea of not having this
baby after I’ve spent the entire day thinking about it makes me
want to barf. If it wasn’t Duke’s, I don’t think I’d keep it. But
it is his, and this is us. But if he doesn’t want the
baby?

“
Might not want it? Like
an abortion?” he says and pulls back. “You thinkin’ about killing
our baby?” Though his voice has lowered, the anger wafts off of him
in powerful waves. I go to respond, but he doesn’t give me a
chance. “Not gonna happen, Nicole.”

He places his large hand on my stomach
and lets his thumb make circles there. The action is so gentle and
soft that I almost miss the words he’s saying. “This is my baby.
You don’t want it? Fine. You can split once it’s born. But until
then? I don’t give a fuck if I have to lock your ass in the
clubhouse under twenty four-seven supervision until then. You don’t
get to take that away from me.”

“
I was scared,” I admit.
Despite his threat, there’s relief in knowing that he wants this.
As fucked as it is, I find solace in knowing he cares about this
baby enough to go through me to make sure it’s okay. Knowing my
mother and how well I’ve done with Jeremy, I need that comfort. I
need to know that this kid has somebody on its side.

“
Truth time,” he says and
takes a step back. “This all you’re hiding?” I take a deep breath
and look him in the eye. Over his shoulder is Jeremy, whose
shoulders are tight. His eyes are locked on Duke. He looks so
pissed off that I worry he and Duke are going to fight any moment.
For all the times my brother is a shithead, I know he loves
me.

“
No,” I say. Better now
than later on. “Darren Jennings offered to help my dad. It was
stupid. I’m sorry.” I clench my fists at my sides and refuse to
crumple under the weight of his stare. “But I changed my mind. I
asked him to stop.”

“
Club business, Nicole.
Club-fucking-business. What were you thinking?” he asks and then
goes off the rails, screaming and shouting about keeping my mouth
shut and silence and how to be an Old Lady. He reminds me that I
have no right interfering with that shit, and he throws his fist
into the wall one more time—this time closer to my head.

“
Shut it down. Call him
and shut it the fuck down!”

“
Back off, you’re scaring
the shit out of her,” Jeremy screams and shoves Duke away from me.
My stomach drops in fear for Jeremy’s safety, but my body won’t
respond. My legs wobble, and I slide to the floor as the two
wrestle toward the door.

With wide eyes and a panicked
expression, Duke holds Jeremy’s neck on both sides. He’s not
squeezing, but his grip is tight, as evidenced by the white of his
knuckles. Duke stares into Jeremy’s neck with his back to the open
front door and says on a plea, “I gotta get out of this
house.”

Duke leaves, and Jeremy quickly slams
the door shut then locks it behind him. With a few strides, he’s
kneeled down beside me, but the closer he gets the less I can
handle it.

“
Please go,” I whisper. “I
need… some time alone.” He waits a moment before standing and
walking to his room.

I give myself a while before I summon
the courage to call Darren. With the calmest voice I can manage, I
ask him to come by the house to return the file I gave him last
week that contains all of my dad’s legal paperwork. He knows
something’s up, because he asks me repeatedly what’s wrong in that
pretend kind voice he uses in public.

When he arrives at the house, my eyes
are red, but dry. He wants to know why I don’t want his help
anymore, and he’s inviting himself into the living room.

“
I’ve done a lot of work
on this,” he says with a sigh. I try to keep my distance, but
wherever I move in the living room, he follows and stays within
reach. If everything with Duke wasn’t fucking me up so bad right
now, I might see it coming. But I don’t.

“
Why the change of heart?”
he asks.

“
The club’s handling it,”
I say. “I have to trust them.”

“
You didn’t want the
club’s help before. What’s changed?”

So much has changed. Duke
being here and us working on being less fucked up together, and now
making our own family? It’s more like what
hasn’t
changed. But Darren doesn’t
deserve all of that. He barely deserves what I’m giving him
now.

“
I’m with Duke now,” I
say. It’s the simplest answer, and even though I don’t want to
invite him into this part of my life, I need this to be as quick as
possible. Jeremy’s just in the other room, but it feels like he’s a
million miles away.

Darren’s entire mood changes. He goes
from thoughtful and annoyed to red-faced angry in a matter of
moments. Then, just like always before, a sinister smile appears on
his face, and I already know what’s coming.

He reaches out and grabs my arm tight
and shoves me against the wall behind me. Bending down and in my
face he hisses, “I had hope for you once. But it’s too late now.
You’re nothing but a filthy whore.”

“
Stop it,” I say as loudly
as I can, hopeful that Jeremy can hear me. I open my mouth to yell
for Jeremy when Darren raises his arm in the air, but the blow
comes too soon. Right across my mouth, and a throbbing sensation
erupts in my jaw and cheek. Darren grabs a hold of my hair and
pulls my head back so I have to look up at him. “You’ll just fuck
anybody, won’t you? You gonna fuck me?”

His free hand works at the fly of his
jeans, causing me to freak out. I start to scream and fight him
off, but the hand he places over my mouth silences me and pulls my
body down the wall. “Actually, I think I’m gonna let you suck my
dick. Just remember what happens if you bite.”

Shoved down to my knees, I push myself
against the wall and keep my head turned to the side with my eyes
clenched shut. Darren frees himself from his pants and grips his
dick in his hand. Through the paralyzing fear of what he’s trying
to do, I find the courage to fight back. Years ago, I didn’t fight
back like I should have when he forced himself on me, because he
convinced me that I deserved it. But now? Now I have something more
important to fight for.

My baby.

Chapter 23

Shame isn’t an emotion I’m used to
feeling a lot of these days. But right now as I climb off my bike
at the safe house in Little River, I’m feeling a fuck ton of it.
Everything about the shit that just went down is wrong. From the
way I screamed at Nic to the way I accused her of sleeping around.
It wasn’t right, and I really fucked up. The best I could do when I
was in that place was to leave. It wasn’t her fault. She’d been
trying to talk to me all day, and I didn’t want to hear
it.

She deserves better than I was giving
her.

Our baby deserves better.

For weeks now I’ve had it in my head
that she was hiding something, and fuck if I wasn’t right. I never
did like that arrogant prick she dated back in high school. Sure,
part of it was jealousy, but the rest of it was just him. He’s
always had his nose in the air, and he’s always treated Nic like
she was beneath him. And my girl isn’t beneath anybody.