Thrash (25 page)

“
Come on, Nic,” Duke
shouts. I make mocking faces in the mirror and take a deep breath.
Alex being all busted up and bed-ridden makes me antsy, and as much
as Duke swears she actually enjoys Ryan’s company, I’m calling
bullshit. I have to see for myself, even if that means going inside
of Jim and Ruby’s house.

I walk into the hall while buttoning my
shirt and adjusting my bra. It’s closing in on August, but the cool
weather’s set in again this week, making my summer wardrobe useless
right now. I lift my head and see Duke at the end of the hall with
a new black helmet in his hands. He hands it off to me and strides
to the front door. I fiddle with the straps, careful not to drop
it. I know he bought it specifically for me, as he wrote my name on
the inside and it’s smaller than the one he wears. I place it on my
head as I walk out of the house.

When we pull up at Jim and Ruby’s,
there seems to be a flurry of activity going on. It’s not
surprising with everything. Unfortunately, Ryan’s bike is among the
several that are lined up at the garage. After the shit he pulled
at the clubhouse—which I have not forgotten about—I’m not really
thrilled about seeing him. I can see a total of three men surveying
the property outside. The two guys in the front are fully armed,
though they’ve taken some care to disguise their large guns from
passersby. Forsaken runs the town, for sure, but there are some
atrocities they can’t commit without ruffling some feathers. Duke
cuts off the bike and waits for me to dismount. I take a deep
breath and stare at the house. It takes me back to a place in my
past that really sucks, but only now does it feel ten times worse
than it ever did before.

Jeremy and I had moved into this house
when my dad went to county for the run that went bad down in
Oakland. It was kind of Jim and Ruby to take us in, and they were
good to us while we were here. I just couldn’t get past my own
sorrow to see it then.

The club had been making a delivery of
the weed they grow outside of town, and the deal went bad. It
wouldn’t have been so awful if Dad hadn’t decided to go rouge and
figure his own way out of the mess. Now, he’s down in San Quentin
and I’m only able to visit him a few times a year because of the
distance.

“
What’s going on, baby?”
Duke asks, craning his neck around. I take a deep breath and climb
off the bike then remove my helmet and set it on the handlebars.
Duke dismounts and catches me around the waist before I move away
from him. I tense at him touching my stomach. It’s impossible for
him to know, but the paranoia that he’s going to find me out is way
too fucking real.

“
Talk to me,” he says from
behind me. He pulls me against him and leans his head down to
whisper in my ear. The eruption of nerves that sends my belly into
a frenzy isn’t anything new. “We’re not moving until you talk to
me.”

“
The house,” I say, giving
in. If it weren’t for Alex being in there waiting on me, I’d let us
stand here until morning came, and I’d still not say anything. I
can’t explain to him—not here—that being here right now is hard.
I’m barely processing the news, and being here? It’s too much and I
want to leave.

“
You been back since you
moved out?” he asks. I just shake my head and refuse to say
anything else. I’ll be damned if he’s going to get me to talk about
it. He must sense my reluctance or something, because he doesn’t
push. He just lets me take a minute to stand here in the dirt
driveway and stare at the the house that once tried to be a
home.

A few minutes pass, and I take the
first step toward the house. This house reminds me of everything
I’ve ever lost. Staring at the wood shingles, I remember my dad
leaving—my biological dad—even though I was only a toddler. He got
sick of my mom’s shit and split. Can’t say I blame him for wanting
to ditch her crazy ass, but he left me, too. Then years after that,
she left. Then Butch was taken away. And after everybody was gone
and the only person I loved that I had left was Jeremy, we were
sent here. And it didn’t matter how nice Jim and Ruby were. Being
in their house meant I wasn’t in my own, and it meant my dad really
was gone, my mother really was a worthless whore, and my sperm
donor was gone—and the latter two didn’t want me anyway. So why
should I give a fuck, I’ll never know. And that’s how it is when
you’re unwanted—it’s a hole that never leaves you.

“
You’re acting weird,” he
says. I try to shake it off and mumble something about Chief. It’s
cheap, using his death as an excuse for my behavior, but it’s all
I’ve got.

“
You think Ruby’s a good
mom?” I ask, because I can’t help myself.

“
Sure,” he says.
“Why?”

“
Just… you think things
would be better… all this wouldn’t be happening if…” I say,
trailing off. I want to ask him if he thinks anybody can be a good
mom. His mom is a real piece of work when she’s around, which isn’t
all that frequent. My mom’s a loser. Between the two of us we don’t
have a single biological parent who’s worth a shit.

“
Shit happens, babe,” he
says, closing the discussion down.

I’m heading for the front door when
Duke tugs me to the right and opens the sliding glass door in the
hallway. I slip in, grateful that he considered the side door, thus
avoiding the living room and kitchen, where most of people
congregate. With his hand on my lower back, he leads me down the
hallway. The door to the bedroom that was once Ryan’s and is now
Alex’s is shut. Duke sandwiches me between himself and the door.
Looking back at him to take the lead, he shrugs and turns the knob,
and pushes the door open.

On the bed, against the far wall,
perfectly centered in the room, are Alex and Ryan. They’re lying on
their sides, facing each other, and Ryan has Alex’s face cupped in
his hands. They’re both smiling like lovesick idiots, which makes
me want to be sick on the wood floor. Ryan leans in and places a
chaste kiss to her lips and says, “I love you.”

She giggles like crazy and then says it
back and pulls him in for a not-so-chaste kiss. Duke told me enough
of what Ryan’s done to Alex over the last few months, and while I
know better than to repeat what he said, and I can’t openly
admonish Ryan for his fucked up behavior, I still imagine kicking
him in the balls until he can’t see straight. Fucking
asshole.

Turning my head to the side, I whisper
to Duke, “Make it stop.” He laughs then clears his throat loudly.
Ryan looks over. His jet black hair is all messed up, and his lips
are parted. He recovers quickly and narrows his eyes at me. As far
as I’m concerned, this shit is payback for what he did a few weeks
back, purposefully leading me in to where Duke and Dawn were
fucking. My body tenses, and I fight the urge to elbow Duke in the
gut. As long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever get that image of
that slut riding his cock out of my head.

“
Ew,” I say, shaking my
head. “I thought you were nobody’s girl.” My eyes are on Ryan as he
sits up. His body is as tense as mine. Alex huffs from beside him,
knowing the comment was directed at her. She looks from me to Duke
and back again like she’s checking us out. I lean forward to try to
create a less than obvious separation, but it does no good. He’s
just so close.

“
Right back at’cha,” she
says with a smirk. Her head turns just enough to the right, and my
stomach drops. The right side of her face has a few scratches and
some minor bruising, but the left side is totally fucked up. The
skin around her eye is swollen, and the bruising is a deep purple.
Her lip is busted up, and she has no fewer than three large
scratches. The skin is bound together by butterfly bandages. My
eyes water at the sight.

“
I knew you were hurt, I
just didn’t know how hurt,” I whisper and cross the room.
Carefully, I crawl onto the bed and cross my legs in front of me.
Alex places her hands on either side of her hips and starts pulling
herself up when Ryan leans over and gently hooks his arms beneath
her underarms and pulls her up into a sitting position. He unhooks
his arms and lets his hands skim her ribs and belly softly before
he removes them.

“
I’m okay,” she says and
looks back at Ryan. She gives his hand a squeeze. “Really,
everything’s okay.” She’s smiling and he’s scowling. But his eyes
are focused on her so intently. It’s like he thinks if he keeps
looking at her, he’s going to see something else that wasn’t there
before. It’s just a moment, but it takes my breath away. In all the
years I’ve known Ryan, he’s never looked at anything with that kind
of depth—not even Ruby—and I think she’s the only person he’s ever
really loved. Until now, that is.

Ryan climbs off the bed and gives Duke
a head nod at the doorway.

“
Sixty minutes,” Ryan
says, staring at me. I can’t help but to roll my eyes at his bossy
nature. Sure, he’s a Grade-A bad-ass and all, but he’s also human
and he’s clearly capable of being loving toward a woman who’s not
his mother.

“
Gosh, you really do love
her, don’t you?” I say. The glares he shoots my way is anything but
pleasant.

“
Yeah,” Alex says with a
smile on her face. “He really does love me.” Ryan stalks out of the
room with Duke following not too far behind.

“
You must have bumped your
head awful hard,” I say. I keep my eyes on the purple comforter
beneath me and pick away at the balls of fuzz. “I can’t believe
you’re with Ryan.” She reaches out and swats my arm. My eyes fly up
to her face, more than a little surprised that she actually smacked
me.

“
There’s a lot more to him
than you see,” she says, jutting her chin out. I don’t know the
girl very well, but so far I like what she’s showing me. I glance
over at the now empty doorway and wonder if the same can be said
about Duke.

“
Yeah, but aren’t you just
deluding yourself into only seeing what you want to
see?”

“
Nah,” she says. “My mom
loves him, so that tells me there’s something worth loving even
during those times he’s a bastard.”

“
Ruby loves all of these
guys. I wouldn’t trust her judgment,” I say.

“
Did you come here to rag
on me about Ryan?” she asks. I shift uncomfortably in place and
blow out a heavy breath. I’m taking my shit out on her, and that’s
not cool.

“
Sorry, I just—Duke told
me about all the shit that’s gone down,” I admit. She’s had the
shit beat out of her already. The last thing she needs is my
judgmental ass giving her crap.

“
Oh,” is all she says. Her
eyes travel around the room before they land on mine. She shrugs
and sighs. Embarrassment shows in her features, and now I feel even
more uncomfortable. It’s like I can’t say anything that’s not going
to upset or embarrass her. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“
I mean, whatever. If
you’re happy,” I say.

“
That’s the thing, I’m not
exactly happy,” she says. “Everything that’s going on right now
makes happy kind of difficult. But Ryan is really good to me, and I
do love him. When he lets himself be, he’s funny and
kind.”

“
And the rest of the
time?” I ask, giving her a sarcastic smile. She rolls her eyes and
shakes her head.

“
Love doesn’t work that
way. I don’t get to pick and choose which parts of him I love,” she
says. A smile returns to her face, and she slaps her knee.
Scrunching her face up in sudden pain, she takes a moment to blow
out a strangled breath. When her face refocuses on mine she shakes
her head.

“
I swear, I keep finding
more bruises,” she says.

“
Your life is so fucked up
right now. I don’t even know what I’m allowed to ask about,” I
admit. I mean, I want to ask her about her brother, and more about
Ryan—God help me—and even about Ian. I know he’s not handling shit
well, but the curiosity is going to kill me.

“
You can ask me
anything.”

“
How are you dealing with
the mom thing?” I ask. She lets out a short laugh, winces, and then
settles back against her pillows that prop her up.

“
I wasn’t at first.
There’s nothing like a good old fashioned ass beating to put things
in perspective,” she says honestly. “My adoptive mom died a long
time ago, and I feel really guilty about this, but I’m kind of
angry at her. She did everything my father ever wanted her
to—apparently including raising his mistress’ kids—and she wanted
me to be like that, too. It’s like I’m betraying her, but I’m
really happy to be getting to know Ruby as my mom.”

“
She’s pretty awesome,” I
say. Alex’s head tilts to the side.

“
I thought you didn’t like
my mom.”

“
It’s not that. Everything
is complicated,” I say. After what Duke told me, I’m feeling more
sympathetic to Ruby’s plight. She’s been mom to so many of us
rejects. She deserves better than I’ve given her in recent
years.

“
Doesn’t seem complicated
to me. Duke likes you and you like him. And I like you, and he’s
growing on me. I think you guys could be good together,” she
says.

“
What is this, the biker
love connection?” I say in a snarky tone. “But really, I can’t talk
about the thing with me and Duke.”

“
Can’t or won’t? I’m stuck
in this house, and that means my primary source of information is
Ryan. The only updates he wants to give me are ones that involve
nudity. What he’s told me is a total mess.”