Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (29 page)

CHOCOLATE
FUDGE POPS

Fuck the ice cream man and his unpredictable schedule. Stash these in your freezer and you can have pops on demand all summer long.

MAKES ABOUT 3
1
⁄
3
CUPS FILLING, WHICH MAKES 12 POPS IN A STANDARD MOLD BUT VARIES DEPENDING ON WHATEVER FUCKING MOLD YOU USE

1 cup vanilla almond or your favorite nondairy milk

1¼ cups semisweet chocolate chips

12 ounces firm silken tofu
*

12 popsicle sticks

Popsicle molds or 12 small-ass paper cups

1
Warm up the milk on the stovetop or in the microwave so that it is warm but not super fucking hot. Next you need to melt the chocolate. You can melt it either by slowly heating it in the microwave in 25-second increments and stirring until it is melted—OR you build a double boiler like a fucking boss. Grab a medium saucepan and fill it with 1 or 2 inches of water. Throw an all-metal bowl on top of that and make sure the whole mouth of the pan is covered and that the water inside isn’t touching the bottom of the bowl. Put this over medium-low heat and pour the chocolate chips into the bowl. The steam will heat the bowl and melt the chips; just keep stirring the chocolate and fucking trust the method. When the chocolate looks all smooth, turn off the heat. This whole process should take about 3 minutes.

2
Once the chocolate is melted, add it, the milk, and the tofu to a blender and mix that shit up. Make sure everything is well combined and there are no secret chocolate chunks hiding out. Pour this into your molds and stick them in the freezer for about 40 minutes. At that point, take out your pop molds and then push the sticks in. Freezing these motherfuckers a little bit first helps make sure you won’t push the stick so far in that you end up with some sad-ass kabob. Freeze until hard. They will keep for at least a month in the freezer.

*
You want the shit in the aseptic packaging. The kind of package you find on the shelf near the soy sauce, not tofu packed in water in the fridge
.

CHOCOLATE
-DIPPED
TANGERINES

Bust these out during the holidays and people will forget all about the presents.

MAKES ABOUT 30 SLICES, DEPENDING ON YOUR CITRUS

5 or 6 tangerines, clementines, or tiny oranges of any kind

½ cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 teaspoon coconut oil

½ teaspoon sea salt

1
Peel the fruit and break them up into segments. Try to get all that white pith off because that shit will taste bitter. Lay the segments on a baking sheet lined with wax paper in some kind of order.

2
Melt the chocolate in a double boiler or the microwave (see
this page
for how). Add the coconut oil to the chocolate chips and stir until everything is melted and mixed together. Turn off the heat.

3
Dip half a citrus segment into the melted chocolate mixture and lay it flat on the baking sheet. Repeat with remaining segments. Sprinkle the chocolate dipped ends with some sea salt to dazzle motherfuckers.

4
Place the baking sheet in a cool area and let the chocolate firm up before serving, 15 to 45 minutes depending on the temperature in your pad. You can stick this in the fridge if you are in a rush.

CRISPY MILLET
AND
PEANUT BUTTER
BUCKEYES

No clue what in the fuck a buckeye is? It’s a tasty treat from the Midwest that is supposed to resemble an Ohio buckeye tree nut. Breaking that down even more, it’s basically a peanut butter cup in ball form. Don’t waste any more time trying to understand this shit, just make it.

MAKES ABOUT 24 BUCKEYES

½ teaspoon oil
*

1
⁄
3
cup
uncooked millet

2
⁄
3
cup creamy peanut butter
*
*
*

¼ cup powdered sugar
*
*
*
*

2 tablespoons flour

1½ teaspoons vanilla extract

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 teaspoon coconut oil, if needed

1
Heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat and toss in the millet. Shake the millet around in the pan until it starts to smell toasted and look a little golden, 3 to 5 minutes. Set it aside.

2
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. In a medium bowl, mix together the peanut butter, powdered sugar, flour, and vanilla until a thick dough is formed. Fold in the millet and mix until that shit is all in there. Make walnut-size balls with the dough and put them on the baking sheet. You should get about 24. You can lick your fingers here, we won’t snitch. Put them in the freezer for at least 30 minutes or up to 2 hours.

3
Right before you are about to take out the peanut butter balls, you need to melt that chocolate. (For an easy technique for melting chocolate, see
this page
.) When the chocolate looks all smooth, turn off the heat. This whole process should take about 3 minutes.

4
Gently lower a ball into the chocolate using a fork, and spoon the chocolate over the ball to coat all the sides. Traditionally you are supposed to a leave the little spot of peanut butter open at the top, but if you find it easier to just roll all those bitches in the chocolate, don’t fight it. If you’re having trouble doing it, stir in the coconut oil while the chocolate is still hot and it will loosen that bastard up. Drip off the excess chocolate and place the buckeye down on the baking sheet and repeat with the rest of the balls. Freeze them on the tray for at least 3 hours before serving. Store in an airtight container and they will keep for 2 weeks in the fridge or freezer. But for real, you will eat them long before then.

*
Olive oil, grapeseed, coconut . . . almost anything is cool here
.

*
*
Don’t buy shit that has more than 3 ingredients, OK? Bad fucking news
.

*
*
*
Yeah, this is dessert, so relax
.

PEACHY ALMOND TAPIOCA
PUDDING

Tapioca pudding might sound like an old lady dessert but trust them; they aren’t wasting their golden years on some bush-league bullshit. This pudding is creamy and perfectly sweet. Now go call Gladys and tell her that shit Ethel said earlier.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 NORMAL PEOPLE

½ cup small tapioca pearls
*

2 cups water

3 cups peach juice
*
*

1 cup plain almond milk

Pinch of salt

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

1 tablespoon agave syrup (optional)

2 tablespoons lemon juice

Blueberries, for serving

1
Put the tapioca pearls in a bowl with the water and let them soak overnight. You can do this in the morning too; they just need to sit for at least 6 hours. Don’t let them go more than 16 hours, though. Shit gets weird after that.

2
When you are ready to cook, drain the tapioca pearls. Put them in a medium saucepan with the juice, almond milk, salt, and vanilla. If your juice isn’t super sweet, then go ahead and add the agave. Just fucking taste it and you will figure it out. Warm the pot over low heat and stir constantly. You don’t want it bubbling or anything, so pay attention and don’t fucking stop stirring. At around 8 to 10 minutes it should start thickening up and the pearls should start looking clear. Keep stirring until it is about the same consistency as a thick soup or gravy, about a minute more. Turn off the heat and stir in the lemon juice. Pour the pudding into a medium bowl and put in the fridge to cool.

3
Let it sit for 3 to 4 hours, otherwise you’ll be eating hot pudding and that shit is gross. If it thickens up too much in the fridge, just stir it up real good and add an extra tablespoon of peach juice. Top the tapioca with blueberries and serve.

*
These little white balls are usually sold in bags in the baking aisle of the store or just look on the Internet. They are the starch that helps this thicken up so don’t even fucking think about leaving them out
.

*
*
You can use whatever the fuck kind of juice you want, just not something real acidic like orange. Peach-apple juice is a good one, too
.