Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (31 page)

3
Make a well in the center of the flour mixture and pour in the almond milk and vanilla. Mix it together until it is almost all the way combined but stop short. Fold in the berries and walnuts but be careful not to overmix.

4
Scoop out the dough in ½-cup measurements and plop onto the baking sheet. Brush with almond milk and sprinkle with white sugar. Bake until they look a little golden around on the bottom, 12 to 15 minutes.

*
Can’t find dried lavender? Don’t trek all over town. Just leave it out and add an extra ½ teaspoon vanilla extract. We just wanted to give you a chance to be extra fancy
.

SHREDDED
CARROT
AND
APPLE MUFFINS

With 2 servings of produce packed in this grab-and-go breakfast, these muffins mean fucking business.

MAKES 12 STANDARD MUFFINS

2¼ cups whole wheat pastry flour

½ cup sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1½ teaspoons ground cinnamon

½ teaspoon salt

1¼ cups almond or other nondairy milk

1½ cups grated carrots
*

1
⁄
3
cup grated apple
*
*

¼ cup olive or grapeseed oil

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup chopped nuts like walnuts or almonds (optional as fuck)

1
Heat your oven to 375°F. Grab a muffin tin and grease that fucker up or throw in some muffin liners.

2
In a big bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. In a smaller bowl, stir together the almond milk, carrots, apple, oil, lemon juice, and vanilla until everything is pretty well combined. See any big-ass globs of carrots? Keep stirring.

3
Pour the wet ingredients into the flour mixture and stir until just combined. If you mix it up too much, your muffins will be tough and sad. Don’t fuck this up after you did all that grating. Fold in the nuts now if you are using them.

4
Scoop the batter into the muffin cups and bake until a toothpick comes out clean when poked in the center of a muffin, 18 to 20 minutes. Take them out of the tin to cool for at least 15 minutes before eating.

*
About 3 medium carrots

*
*
About 1 small apple. Just use whatever kind you would normally eat
.

PEANUT BUTTER
AND
BANANA
NUT
MUFFINS

This is the Elvis of muffins. So bow the fuck down to the king and his great taste.

MAKES 12 STANDARD MUFFINS

2 cups whole wheat pastry or all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

½ teaspoon salt

½ cup creamy peanut butter

½ cup packed light brown sugar

¾ cup plain almond or other nondairy milk

1½ cups mashed ripe banana
*

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup chopped walnuts or peanuts
*
*

1
Heat your oven to 375°F. Grab your muffin tin and grease that bastard or use paper muffin liners.

2
In a big bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Set the fucker aside.

3
Now in a smaller bowl, mix together the peanut butter and brown sugar until it looks kinda creamy. Stir in the milk, banana, and vanilla until everything is mixed up.

4
Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir until just combined. If you mix it up too much, your muffins will be tough. Don’t waste all that peanut butter on some fucked-up muffins. Fold in the nuts now if you are using them.

5
Scoop the batter into the muffin cups. This makes a lot of batter, so fill those fuckers to the brim so you get nice, domed, bakery-style muffins. Bake until a toothpick comes out clean when poked in the center of a muffin, 18 to 22 minutes. Take them out of the tin and let cool for at least 15 minutes before eating.

*
This usually takes about 3 regular-size bananas
.

*
*
You could sub ½ cup chocolate chips in here if you want to drop any illusions that these fuckers aren’t dessert
.

COCONUT
CORNMEAL
CAKE

This sweet, buttery dessert is the perfect marriage between cornbread and yellow cake. It’s so fucking right it hurts. Keep it simple and top it with fresh fruit and a little
Whipped Cream
. Save frosting for something that needs the help.

ENOUGH FOR 8 PEOPLE

1¼ cups cornmeal
*

¾ cup whole wheat pastry flour or white flour

¾ cup sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

½ teaspoon salt

1½ cups canned coconut milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ teaspoon grated lemon zest

1
First, heat your oven to 375°F. Grab an 8-inch cake pan, grease it, and dust it with flour to make sure your cake doesn’t stick. If you are still consumed with fear, cut a round out of parchment paper the same size as the pan and stick that in the bottom to be extra fucking sure your cake will come out in one piece. Now relax, you got this shit.

2
Get a big bowl and whisk together the cornmeal, flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Make a crater in the center of the dry mixture and pour in the coconut milk, vanilla, and lemon zest and stir it all up until there are no dry pockets and very few lumps.

3
Pour that batter into your cake pan that you prepped earlier because you followed the goddamn directions. Let somebody else lick the spoon and the bowl because 1) The batter is tasty as hell and

2) They will now owe you one. Cash in that favor the next time you need help moving. You’re fucking welcome.

4
Bake the cake until a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean, 30 to 40 minutes. Let it cool in the pan for 15 minutes and then turn it out on to a wire rack to finish cooling until you’re ready for it.

5
Serve cold or at room temperature.

*
The finely ground stuff you would use to make cornbread, not that coarser shit you would use to make polenta. Got it?

BANANA CREAM PIE

This may not look like the fanciest pie, but it’s the only one that ALWAYS hits the fucking sweet spot.

MAKES 1 PIE, ENOUGH FOR 8 PEOPLE

PRESS-IN CRUST

1½ cups flour
*

1 tablespoon sugar

½ teaspoon salt

¼ teaspoon baking powder

¼ cup refined coconut oil
*
*

2 tablespoons olive or grapeseed oil

2 to 3 tablespoons almond milk

VANILLA CUSTARD FILLING

¼ cup cornstarch or arrowroot powder

¼ cup sugar

Pinch of salt

1 can (13.5 ounces) coconut milk

1 cup plain almond or other nondairy milk

1½ teaspoons vanilla extract

3 large ripe bananas
Whipped Cream

1
Make the crust: Heat your oven to 350°F. Grab a standard pie plate.

2
In a medium bowl, mix together the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder. Crumble the coconut oil into the flour using your fingers and break up pieces bigger than a pea. It should look kinda like coarse sand from a shitty playground. You can throw this all in your food processor too, just run it until you get the same texture, and then put it in a bowl.

3
Pour in the olive oil and 2 tablespoons of the almond milk and stir it all up with a fork until a shaggy dough comes together. If it still looks dry, add the remaining tablespoon of milk. Press the dough into the pie plate so that it’s even and going up the sides. You know how a pie crust should look. (At this point, you can stick that shit in the fridge to bake later or get right down to business. Your call.)

4
Line the inside of your crust with foil and pour a bunch of dried beans in there that you aren’t planning on eating. This weird shit keeps the crust in place while it bakes. Trust the system. Throw this in the oven for 12 minutes, then pull it out and remove the foil and beans. Stick it back in the oven until the bottom looks cooked and the edges are golden, another 12 to 15 minutes. Let it cool while you make the filling.

5
Make the custard filling: In a medium saucepan, whisk together the cornstarch, sugar, and salt. Slowly whisk in around
1
⁄
3
cup of the coconut milk, making sure there aren’t any clumps. Once all the starch is dissolved, whisk in the remaining coconut milk, the almond milk, and vanilla.

6
Put the pot over medium-high heat and keep whisking until the mixture is bubbling and you can feel it start to thicken to sort of a gravy texture, about 5 minutes. Now, turn down the heat to medium-low and grab a spatula. Keep the pot at a very gentle simmer and keep scraping the bottom and sides with a spatula to avoid pudding skin. That shit is gross. Keep this up for 7 to 10 minutes or until you flick some of the custard across the top of itself in the pot and that spot holds its shape for a couple seconds. Gross but fucking accurate.

7
Your pie crust should be cool enough to handle now. Slice up the bananas into rounds no thicker than ½ inch. Line the crust with the banana slices, like all over the fucking place. Up the sides, BANANAS EVERYWHERE. Now pour the warm custard into the banana-lined pie shell. Cover and place this fucker in the fridge for at least 3 hours.

8
Once the custard has cooled and set, spread on a batch of the whipped cream over the top and serve. This pie is best eaten within 3 days of being made because the bananas cannot be trusted to keep their shit together much longer than that.

*
You can use whole wheat pastry, all-purpose, or a combo here. All of it will work
.

*
*
You don’t want the oil all runny and melted. It should look milky and have a consistency similar to room temp butter. If it’s hot in your place, stick that shit in the fridge for a minute or two to cool down
.