Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (27 page)

ROASTED BEER
AND
LIME
CAULIFLOWER
TACOS
WITH CILANTRO COLESLAW

Grab beer and get to work. Just don’t get sloppy ’til you’re done cooking.

MAKES ABOUT 6 TACOS

1 head cauliflower (about 1 pound)

¾ cup beer
*

¼ cup vegetable broth
*
*

1 tablespoon lime juice

1½ teaspoons soy sauce or tamari

1½ tablespoons of your go-to chipotle hot sauce

1 to 2 cloves garlic, sliced

1½ teaspoons chili powder

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

¼ teaspoon ground cumin

¼ teaspoon garlic powder

Pinch of salt

1 tablespoon olive oil

½ yellow onion, chopped

6 corn tortillas

1 avocado, sliced

Quick Lime and Cilantro Slaw

Fire-Roasted Salsa

1
Crank your oven to 400°F. Grab a rimmed baking sheet.

2
Chop the cauliflower into small florets no bigger than a quarter. In a saucepan, warm the beer, broth, lime juice, tamari, hot sauce, and garlic over medium heat. Add the cauliflower and simmer for about 1½ minutes. Drain.

3
Toss the spices, salt, and olive oil together in a large bowl. Add the cauliflower and onion and stir ’til those fuckers are coated. Dump it on the baking sheet and bake until browned, stirring halfway, about 20 minutes.

4
To make the tacos, warm the tortillas in the oven or microwave for a hot minute and then pile them high with the cauliflower filling, slices of avocado, some of the slaw, and top with plenty of salsa.

*
Whatever you are cool with drinking the rest of is fine here. Just no coffee stout or anything heavy like that
.

*
*
For homemade shit, go to
this page
, but use what you got
.

QUICK LIME AND CILANTRO SLAW

This fucker is great in any taco, any time. Memorize this shit because you won’t be going back to empty tacos again.

½ head of green cabbage (about ½ pound)

1 small carrot

2 tablespoons lime juice

2 tablespoons rice vinegar

1 teaspoon olive oil

1
⁄
8
teaspoon salt

1
⁄
3
cup chopped cilantro

Cut the cabbage into the thinnest strips you can and make sure those pieces are no longer than 2 inches. This is a great time to get good with your knife if you are looking for a silver fucking lining in all that chopping. Chop the carrot into thin matchsticks of the same length. Got that shit down now, right? In a small glass, mix together the lime juice, vinegar, oil, and salt. Add the dressing right before you are going to eat and toss that shit well. Add the cilantro and serve.

TEMPEH PEANUT NOODLES
WITH BLANCHED
KALE

These noodles make for legit leftovers. First night, eat them straight. For lunch the next day, add some carrot and cucumber that you cut into matchsticks, and eat it cold like a salad. It’s a lazy costume change but nobody will fucking notice.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4

PEANUT SAUCE

½ cup creamy peanut butter
*

½ cup warm water

¼ cup rice vinegar

2 teaspoons toasted sesame oil

2 teaspoons lime juice

2 teaspoons soy sauce or tamari

1 teaspoon maple syrup or agave syrup

1 teaspoon chili-garlic paste or Asian-style hot sauce (optional
*
*
)

NOODLES AND VEGGIES

12 ounces noodles
*
*
*

6 cups kale, sliced into bite-size pieces

1 teaspoon grapeseed or refined coconut oil

8 ounces tempeh

1 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

1 tablespoon rice vinegar

2 tablespoons minced fresh ginger

3 cloves garlic, minced

½ cup sliced green onions

1
First make the peanut sauce. In a medium glass, whisk together the peanut butter and water until it looks all creamy. Add all the other ingredients and keep stirring until everything is incorporated. Simple shit.

2
Now cook the noodles according to the package directions, but use a larger soup pot than usual. In the last 30 seconds of cooking the noodles, add the kale to the pot and stir it into the water to make sure it’s all covered. After 30 seconds, drain the pasta and kale and run it under cold water to stop the cooking process and keep the kale green. That’s called lazy-ass blanching. Some people might say to do that shit in separate pots, but those are usually the motherfuckers who don’t wash their own dishes, so fuck them.

3
Grab a big wok or skillet and heat up the oil. Crumble in the tempeh in bite-size pieces and sauté it around until it starts to brown, 2 to 3 minutes. Add the soy sauce, vinegar, ginger, and garlic and cook it for 30 seconds more. Turn off the heat and add the noodles and three-quarters of the peanut sauce. Mix it all up to make sure everything is covered and that the tempeh is blended into the noodles. Taste it and if it isn’t saucy enough for you, add the rest of the sauce now. Otherwise, hold on to that shit because the noodles really absorb the sauce as they sit, so it’s nice to have extra for leftovers. Top with the green onions and serve warm or at room temperature.

*
Don’t buy peanut butter that has anything other than peanuts, a little oil, and salt listed as ingredients. Anything else is unfuckingnecessary
.

*
*
Optional, but you should suck it up and do it
.

*
*
*
Soba, udon, spaghetti, whatthefuckever
.

WHITE BEAN
AND
RED LENTIL BURGERS

This isn’t one of those flavorless fauxmeat burgers you might see at restaurants. This is a veggie burger with a bite that will have you making a second batch in no time flat. It goes great with a side of
Root Veggie Fries
or some
Roasted Potato Salad
.

MAKES 8 LARGE BURGER PATTIES

1
⁄
3
cup red lentils

2
⁄
3
cup water

3 cups cooked white beans

½ red onion, chopped

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 jalapeño, minced

½ cup breadcrumbs

1½ teaspoons smoked paprika

1½ teaspoons of your favorite no-salt, all-purpose seasoning blend

1 teaspoon ground cumin

1 tablespoon olive oil

½ teaspoon salt

Grated zest of ½ lime

Cooking spray

Burger fixings, like buns, lettuce, tomato, onions, etc
.

1
Combine the lentils and water in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and let that all simmer until the lentils are soft and mushy and the water is mostly gone, about 10 minutes. Drain away any extra water and let the lentils cool while you prep all the other shit.

2
Mash the white beans in a large bowl and then add the lentils and the rest of the ingredients (not counting the cooking spray and fixings). If you find the mixture too wet to hold its shape, add some more breadcrumbs. Shape that mix into patties (you know, burger size) and put them on an oiled baking sheet. Chill that in the fridge, covered, for at least 30 minutes or up to 4 hours.

3
Crank your oven to 400°F when you’re ready to go. Coat the patties lightly with some cooking spray and bake them for about 30 minutes, flipping them over halfway. You want them to be golden on both sides. Serve them up with whatever the fuck you like on a burger and then go to town.

ROOT VEGGIE FRIES

5 tablespoons brown rice flour or white flour

½ teaspoon garlic powder

½ teaspoon chili powder

1
⁄
8
teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 pounds of whatever root veggies you can find, peeled and cut into matchsticks no larger than a finger
*

Crank your oven to 425°F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper or foil. Mix together the flour, spices, and salt in a small bowl. Toss together the lemon juice, soy sauce, and olive oil in a large bowl and add the root veggies. Sprinkle the spice mixture over the roots and mix until everything is all well coated. Spread the roots over the baking sheet and bake until the fries are golden and slightly crispy, about 30 minutes, turning halfway through. Serve warm with your favorite dipping sauce.

*
Fry size, for any of you dense motherfuckers out there. You can grab potatoes, carrots, parsnips, turnips—whatever mix you like
.