Tied Up In Heartstrings (13 page)

Today, I’m having lunch with Whitney. When she called this morning I was having a complete meltdown. Garrett overwhelms me. His lifestyle overwhelms me. What we have overwhelms me. The fact that he wants Sierra and I to go with him to his show in Nashville overwhelms me. I can’t seem to make him understand. This is happening so quickly. I have had very little of the time and space that I asked for when this started to wrap my head around it.

“Whit, I just can’t seem to get the space and time to really make sure this is what I want and need. But
it’s not him, it’s me. I can’t stay away. I spend my day consumed with thoughts of him. And when I’m not thinking about him, I’m listening to his voice on my iPod. It’s effecting Sierra, too. She waits for him every afternoon to come over and have dinner with us.”

Whitney’s looking
at me, shaking her head in disbelief. “Alexis, look at me, sweetie. I’m not really understanding the negative here. You like him. That’s okay. He’s great with Sierra, he likes your friends and family, and he obviously loves you. I’ve seen him watching you. You’re falling for him, and that’s really awesome. Choose to be happy, and stop looking for reasons this can’t work!” 

“Two things: First, HE DOESN’T LOVE ME.” Then, lowering my voice, I continue, “He likes me and the sex is good. Second, you don’t quite understand, Whit. I’m not famous. I can’t pick up and leave to travel the country with him. I don’t fit into his huge world and I can’t expect him to shrink to fit into mine. He needs someone without such a set-in-stone life. I can’t continue to believe that this life with
me and Sierra will be enough for him. This is only temporary for him. I’m temporary. He’s back on tour in just a few weeks. Then we’ll just be friends…maybe?” Let the lecture begin. I can see the frustration all over her face. She’s getting sick of talking me off the cliff, but I can’t seem to stop climbing up there.

“
One
,” she stresses, “you are insane, Lex, if you don’t believe that man loves you. And
two
if he wanted what the other women had to offer, he wouldn’t still be here. That’s a man thing, sweetie. They don’t do anything they don’t want to do for very long. You need to talk to him. Does he even know you are freaking out?”

“No. What do I say?
‘Garrett, I’m malfunctioning, sorry. I’m totally freaking out, because I like you and don’t know if you like me?’
Don’t be ridiculous, Whit! This is the real world where stories don’t end with Happily Ever After. I think it’s about time to get real with myself.”

“Okay,
Lex, Let’s ‘get real’ as you say. Your compulsive self-destruction knows no bounds. I, for one, think you’re making a monumental mistake throwing this away. I don’t support what you’re doing. I think that in the process of trying to guard your heart from loving someone again, you’ll be breaking it on your own, and then you’ll totally miss your Happily Ever After.”

Could she be right? Am I hurting myself? Of course I am. I do love him.

Garrett texted this morning and begged me to reconsider Nashville. There’s just no way I can take part in that. I haven’t been able to think of anything else since this morning. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up all night considering what was happening between Garrett and me, and realized this wasn’t what we need in our lives. What we are to each other is lovely, but it’s the wrong time. We’re at such different points in our lives. Neither of us can be expected to give up what it will take to make this relationship work.

“Whit, I’m not what he needs. I realize it, even though, he may not yet, but he will soon! He needs the freedom to be ‘
The Garrett Freaking McKenna’
he was born to be, not my Garrett. Trying to mold him into my established life is unfair. Believe me, it will break my heart to watch him walk out the door, but it’s time,” I say, pleading that for once she’ll see this my way. I need her to understand, and not keep pushing me toward Garrett. If my feelings for Garrett get any deeper, and things ended badly, I’ll never recover. I’m not sure I’ll recover now, but I’ll be able to move on without having to pick up the pieces of my life. I’m not sure that will be the case for much longer. On top of that, I can’t let Sierra fall anymore in love with him. She already expects him every night for dinner, for playtime, and for bedtime stories.

He’ll be leaving for Nashville tomorrow. If I tell him today, then maybe he’ll stay in
Nashville. That would probably be best for now. Seeing him again will be far too hard for me at this point. But I can’t ask him to stay away, he’s done nothing wrong, except make me crave him in ways I didn’t expect and wasn’t ready for.

My phone rings, breaking the uncomfortable silence and the glare of my best friend. I’m desperate to answer it and talk about anything other than Garrett McKenna. I look at the caller ID and it’s a call from Sierra’s school. “SHIT… got to get this. It’s the school,” I explain. I answer the call. It’s from Sierra’s teacher. She assures me that Sierra is fine and tells me she’d like to see me as soon as possible to discuss some things she is witnessing. I tell her I’ll be there in twenty minutes and disconnect the call.

The one thing Whitney understands and tolerates is me dropping everything to be there for Sierra. She’d never ask me to continue our conversation, even though, I know I’m not completely off the hook. I kiss her cheek and tell her I’ll call her over the weekend.

She smiles a tentative smile and says, “Remember I’m here for you, even if you’re totally screwing up. But please, Dear God, DO NOT let this be the thing to send you back into hiding. Text me and let me know what’s up with Sierra.” I nod.

I arrive at the school and am ushered into the early childhood office. The teachers here are very nice and have been supportive of Sierra and me, even though, Sierra wasn’t in school when her daddy died. They know the history, and they are careful when handling situations where dads are part of the classroom or when there are activities involving crafts for dads.

“Hi, Mrs. Phillips. Thanks so much for coming in on such short notice,” Sierra’s teacher says when she enters the class. She’s a wonderful grandmotherly type. I know her well, since I’ve had numerous conversations with her regarding Sierra’s behavior. Usually, I don’t have to come into the school right away. I’m hoping whatever has happened this time isn’t too serious.

“Sure,” I reply.

“Mrs. Phillips, today we had an incident I want to tell you about. I’m very concerned for all parties involved.” I nod, accepting that I’m likely being judged as a horrible parent, who allows her four year old to act out. “It seems Sierra is targeting a child negatively in the classroom with bullying type behavior.”

I’m shocked. Sierra is bossy and sassy at times, but not violent. What the hell? I can sense my guard going up, prepping to defend my child to the fullest extent. “Well, Ms. Davis, I find that a bit hard to believe. Maybe you can give me some examples of what you’re considering bullying,” I challenge, refusing to allow this lady to villainize my child. She’s not a bad kid.

“The other child in this situation is the child of a single parent, a dad. It appears that Sierra has been harassing this child, telling her that her daddy will probably die soon, because daddies don’t stay.” She’s waiting for a response from me, but she gets none, since I’m dumbfounded. “…
and also, Sierra has created a club, and only the children with mommies can be included. Sierra is intentionally excluding this little girl. Mrs. Phillips, we aren’t saying Sierra is a bad kid. We are concerned that she is dealing with her father’s passing in a way that is adversely affecting her education and her peer relationships. We felt it was very important for you to know, right away, what was happening.”

I feel the tears in my eyes and on my cheek before I can muster the strength to will them away. I’m heartbroken for my little girl. She is obviously hurting and I haven’t seen it. Why didn’t I see this coming? “Oh my…Ms. Davis, I’m not sure what to say except that I’ll talk to Sierra. I’ll do whatever it takes to help her deal with this in a more healthy way.” She passes me a box of tissues and comes to sit in the chair adjoining mine. She rubs my arm gently and tells me it’ll be okay. Although, I’m not actually sure it will be, I’ll make it the best I can for Sierra’s sake.

I leave the school and drive around. There’s not a real reason to go home, since I need to be back to pick up Sierra in one hour. I just drive and drive. I find myself parked in the lot of a garden nursery. This is the nursery Jed & I came to with the landscape designer to map out the landscaping of our lot. It was a fun day. I had just found out we were expecting Sierra. I was blissfully happy that day. Jed was beaming at me all day, and I felt like the most special girl in the world. 

I sit in the parking lot remembering, and crying about all the hurt my little girl must feel. This wasn’t the life that Jed and I spent endless hours planning for. It’s heartbreaking that, even though, we have so much, the one thing Sierra needs and
wants, I can’t give her.

When I pick up my perfect little girl, I slap on my happy face and put on her favorite music. I pop her into the car seat in the back of the Jeep. It’s a beautiful day, so I’ve pushed the top back and blared the music. She smiles big. “Hey Mama, can we get ice cream?” she asks. She’s adorable
with her cute little braided pig tails.

“Anything you want, sweet girl,” I say. We’re riding down the road toward our favorite ice cream shop when she yells, “Mama, can we listen to Garrett?”

What the hell…I am playing her favorite Taylor Swift album and she wants Garrett’s songs instead? This is exactly the problem. He’s consuming us both. “Sure, baby girl,” I say, reaching for my iPod to change the playlist.

I’m stressed beyond belief. I still haven’t responded to Garrett’s text. I need to have a serious conversation with him tonight, and then send him back to Nashville as soon as possible. I really don’t have the time and energy to put forth to be in a relationship with all that’s happening with Sierra. She’ll need my undivided attention for now. I’m worried sick about her. I need to call Kate and
Cami to see what they think. Maybe she needs therapy! I’m such a crack pot of a mother that I didn’t notice this. I’ve been so wrapped up in Garrett that I’m screwing up my kid.

When we get home, Sierra runs upstairs to play, and I turn on the baby monitor that I keep downstairs so I can listen to her play. It makes this big house feel less empty. And since I need to understand what she’s feeling and almost five year olds aren’t that great at explaining their emotions without throwing themselves onto the floor and screaming, I’m eavesdropping on her playtime. Today, I’m having lunch with Whitney. When she called this morning I was having a complete meltdown. Garrett overwhelms me. His lifestyle overwhelms me. What we have overwhelms me. The fact that he wants Sierra and I to go with him to his show in Nashville overwhelms me. I can’t seem to make him understand. This is happening so quickly. I have had very little of the time and space that I asked for when this started to wrap my head around it.

“Whit, I just can’t seem to get the space and time to really make sure this is what I want and need. But it’s not him, it’s me. I can’t stay away. I spend my day consumed with thoughts of him. And when I’m not thinking about him, I’m listening to his voice on my iPod. It’s effecting Sierra, too. She waits for him every afternoon to come over and have dinner with us.”

Whitney’s looking
at me, shaking her head in disbelief. “Alexis, look at me, sweetie. I’m not really understanding the negative here. You like him. That’s okay. He’s great with Sierra, he likes your friends and family, and he obviously loves you. I’ve seen him watching you. You’re falling for him, and that’s really awesome. Choose to be happy, and stop looking for reasons this can’t work!” 

“Two things: First, HE DOESN’T LOVE ME.” Then, lowering my voice, I continue, “He likes me and the sex is good. Second, you don’t quite understand, Whit. I’m not famous. I can’t pick up and leave to travel the country with him. I don’t fit into his huge world and I can’t expect him to shrink to fit into mine. He needs someone without such a set-in-stone life. I can’t continue to believe that this life with
me and Sierra will be enough for him. This is only temporary for him. I’m temporary. He’s back on tour in just a few weeks. Then we’ll just be friends…maybe?” Let the lecture begin. I can see the frustration all over her face. She’s getting sick of talking me off the cliff, but I can’t seem to stop climbing up there.

“
One
,” she stresses, “you are insane, Lex, if you don’t believe that man loves you. And
two
if he wanted what the other women had to offer, he wouldn’t still be here. That’s a man thing, sweetie. They don’t do anything they don’t want to do for very long. You need to talk to him. Does he even know you are freaking out?”

“No. What do I say?
‘Garrett, I’m malfunctioning, sorry. I’m totally freaking out, because I like you and don’t know if you like me?’
Don’t be ridiculous, Whit! This is the real world where stories don’t end with Happily Ever After. I think it’s about time to get real with myself.”

“Okay,
Lex, Let’s ‘get real’ as you say. Your compulsive self-destruction knows no bounds. I, for one, think you’re making a monumental mistake throwing this away. I don’t support what you’re doing. I think that in the process of trying to guard your heart from loving someone again, you’ll be breaking it on your own, and then you’ll totally miss your Happily Ever After.”