'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse (25 page)

Roswell and Emily were jointly feeling depressed and hopeless about their lives and about their future. In addition to feeling sorry for his wife, Roswell no doubt felt overburdened and scared. Taking control of ending a sick person’s life, who’s going to die anyway, can seem to offer relief. That’s why he was so easily convinced. He also loved the Emily who was well and did not know how to deal with the Emily who was sick. His confusion led him to take matters into his own lethal hands.

While one might conclude that the above case is much more about mercy killing than abuse, again, there remains the argument that outside intervention could have allowed Emily Gilbert to die a more dignified death. Additionally, due to a lack of intervention it is hard to know what shape Roswell and Emily’s relationship was in at the time of the murder. For example, was Emily of sound mind when she asked her husband to kill her? Furthermore, taking into account the strain caring for the elderly can cause, was Roswell of sound mind when he performed the killing?

In this regard, the conclusion that a mercy killing has taken place is not so easy to make. And while the subject is certainly controversial, the Gilbert case is not as clear cut as the ones previously discussed in this book—still, the fact remains that Emily’s death
was
murder. Moreover, due to isolated circumstances leading up to that death, one must take into consideration that such a killing was not unlike other spousal murders. In the end, Roswell Gilbert had the ability to control whether or not his wife lived another day. He chose to pull the trigger.

12

Thou Shalt Not Kill

W
HO
is more dangerous, the wife or the husband?

There’s a long-held belief that violence is primarily a male trait; it is a belief that underscores the enduring idea that women create and men destroy. According to researchers Flanagan and Maguire, men commit about 85 percent of all murders and nonnegligent manslaughters in the United States.

Why are men more violent? The ongoing argument that the hormone testosterone is a major culprit in male aggression is certainly valid; after all, men produce about twenty-five times more testosterone than females. Still, testosterone alone does not lead a person to commit violence. So, what is the answer?

A starting point would be societal. Let’s face it: Our culture (consciously or unconsciously) still encourages men to be strong and handle their disputes in a “manly,” “macho,” and often physical way. This kind of socialization, combined with other factors—such as psychological disorders or childhood trauma, to name only two—can, under the “right” conditions, convert aggression into violence and homicide.

After finishing her 2001 study
Women Who Kill,
researcher Debbie Kirkwood said, “The reason men commit the vast majority of violent crime in our society is not because they are biologically predisposed to it but because we believe that they are.” According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1976 and 2002, nearly 11 percent of all murders were committed by an intimate partner. And, of all female murder victims, the percentage of those killed by an intimate remained stable until 1995, when it began to increase. Today nearly a third of all female murder victims are killed by a spouse or lover.

“Everyone starts out totally dependent on a woman. The idea that she could turn out to be your enemy is terribly frightening.”

—Lord Astor, British philanthropist, 1993

Women are fully capable of killing, and when it comes to an intimate partner, they kill in chillingly higher numbers. As explained earlier in the book, in spousal/partner murders, women kill seven men for every ten women killed by a man. While the killing itself is nearly the same, a double standard is applied to our view of male violence vs. female violence. We tend to see female violence as abnormal and male violence as normal.

Even today, cultural influences still define women as innately passive and, at their worst, irrational or unstable. Women, being the weaker and more vulnerable sex, are therefore more likely to be viewed as mentally unstable rather than capable of premeditated murder. And many of us still see women as gently maternal, making it impossible to perceive the female as lethal and dangerous.

Interestingly, some women will use the innocent feminine image and/or “I’m just really too small” defense—because it works. Culturally, we’re not trained to view young, pretty, polite, and seemingly decent women as dangerous or as possible criminals. Their aggression tends to get trivialized and sexualized and we’re shocked when they are accused of violent crimes. Women still receive preferential treatment in the criminal justice system, and women tend to receive lighter jail sentences compared to those for men who commit similar crimes.

Culture also has an impact on the way men and women explain their crimes. Since women are viewed as less dangerous than men, the language used to explain their aggression is much more forgiving and limited. On the other hand, men can’t rely on this strategy. For example, you won’t hear a man say, “You know, I did murder that woman, but it was because I was having a very bad testosterone-level day.” This statement conflicts with our ideas about men, that they are strong, aggressive, and macho.

* * * * *

I
N
terms of spousal murders, men and women kill for very different reasons. Men tend to kill over sexual struggles and choices, while women tend to point to abuse as the precipitating cause for killing a spouse. An equal number of women and men admit to killing their partner for financial gain. More men than women will kill over an argument about money, or because they have been nagged incessantly. Men tend to kill their wives using more aggressive means, like handguns and knives, but of course, there are exceptions. Women, too, will use guns, but they more often utilize blunt instruments, poison, or hired hit men (again there are exceptions).

Men who commit uxoricide—the killing of a wife—often tell their wives what they are going to do prior to committing the crime. What’s unnerving about this is that men who kill their female partner or spouse do not exhibit standard risk factors associated with traditional killers.

For example, the traditional male killer or male-on-male killer is more likely to come from a dysfunctional background. Often this killer comes from a broken family or had a father who abused drugs, had a criminal record, or was violent toward his mother. Additionally, in many cases, the killer has had three or more primary caretakers in childhood and has, for varying reasons, been admitted to an institution prior to age sixteen. The intimate-partner killer, however, has more often had a reasonably normal background. Although many had some problems during childhood, overall, this killer has had a fairly traditional family and childhood. It is also of note that a high percentage of male spousal killers tend to have more education and are more likely to be gainfully employed. In effect, the male spousal killer is harder to detect.

Still, there are some signs. One common characteristic of the intimate-partner killer is that he appears to specialize in showing and exhibiting violence toward women. Additionally, this killer is more likely to have a history of problematic relationships with females, including a string of broken relationships. Of note, the intimate-partner killer has also proved, in many instances, to be sober when murdering the victim. Most intimate-partner homicides have involved some kind of ongoing dispute associated with the relationship. And yet, here we must ask ourselves, what relationship doesn’t have disputes?

W
OMEN
who kill their husbands, on the whole, have the least extensive criminal records. This is why some believe they often receive lesser sentences for their crimes when they are convicted. Typical motives for women who kill are jealousy, rage, response to battering, self-defense, and financial gain. Often, as does her male parallel, female killers suffer from psychological problems. Again, as with men, some of these women have been exposed to extreme problems in their parents’ marriage during their own childhood and have thereby learned to use violence to solve problems.

Many women who have suffered childhood abuse lack an important foundation of security that helps them to function, feel emotion, and therefore participate completely in the world, leaving these women with a greater chance of becoming killers. Being abandoned and not wanted or cared for can cause any child to feel deep shame, anger, and depression, which can then be expressed in rage, violence, and ultimately murder.

* * * * *

S
O
now that we know the general traits of a killer, what would it take to push you or someone you know to take another person’s life? Most people, when asked this question, admit a willingness to kill someone under the
right
circumstances; for example, to save themselves or to protect their child.

The reality is, we all have psychological circuits that direct our brain to contemplate murder, which is why so many of us have thoughts about killing someone at one time or another. After all, that’s why “Thou shalt not kill” is one of the Ten Commandments. We’re instructed not to do it because we’re inclined to do it. For the average person, killing is merely a fantasy, an urge most of us would never act upon, yet such fantasies are very common. That’s because our minds are giving us the opportunity to weigh the risks, to consider the cost of such dire action, while at the same time providing us with a cathartic release—and all without our having to act in a destructive way.

Still, we think about murder, and often. Murder fascinates us, in part because the desire to kill another comes from the deepest part of us, our unconscious. The aggressive impulse to eliminate is nature’s way of helping us to survive, to protect us from danger, from those who threaten our lives. The disturbing truth is that the only difference between the person who commits murder and the person who does not is that one has decided to act upon the homicidal fantasy.

There are multiple reasons why a person might kill: hate, jealousy, envy, spite, fear, greed, and revenge. All of these emotions—deep-seated thought patterns, internal dialogues, and justifications—predispose us all to consider the lethally unthinkable. Some of the frequent questions I have been asked on television are,
Can anyone become murderous? What is the difference between couples who just get angry with each other and those who actually kill? Why not divorce? Are people born killers? Is there any way to know if you are in danger of marrying someone capable of killing you?

The scary thing is that anyone can become a victim of marital homicide because anyone can become violent. Dr. Phyllis Sharp, associate professor of nursing at Johns Hopkins, believes marital homicide is less about anger and more about control and an imbalance of power. Sometimes the abuse in a relationship is more subtle, like a partner being unfaithful or a spouse knowing how to make his partner feel bad about herself, and hence powerless.

When people are in a relationship that is equal, both have the skills to deal with their conflicts in a sophisticated, less impulsive way. Forensic expert and regular TV pundit Dr. Michael Welner states that solving conflicts depends on how the anger is expressed. And for most people, verbal communication is enough to help arrive at a nonviolent resolution of conflict.

Joseph Scalia, psychoanalyst and author of the book
Intimate Violence,
offers a provocative idea—that there is little difference between the spouse who cheats and the person who kills, as opposed to the person who won’t cheat at all. The person who doesn’t cheat has some understanding of the realities of relationships and has come to terms with his inner demons. He accepts the difficulties of life without needing to always meet his needs and have his way and is in relatively little danger of acting impulsively. People who cheat want their needs met. They have a more egocentric approach to the world, and sometimes murder can seem like the fastest way to meeting their needs. Divorce is usually not an option. The spouse can be resistant, there’s usually a financial loss, or timing is a factor; yet in many cases, divorce does not satisfy the need to exact revenge or enforce one’s self-image. In some cases, the killer wishes to be seen as a widow or widower. In other cases murder is chosen over divorce simply because the spouse believes it is the easier option and that he or she can get away with it.

* * * * *

A
CCORDING
to psychoanalyst Dr. Patricia Bratt, you may not be able to sense the less obvious signs of a killer spouse until you are with a person for a long time. Let’s face it, we don’t really know our partner in depth until we are married to him or her or have lived together for many, many years. I am reminded of a quote I once saw stitched on a pillowcase: “Love is blind and marriage is an eye opener.” Marriage can bring up new issues in a way that dating or short-term relationships cannot. We do not always know someone’s odd peculiarities until a strange or dramatic event happens. This possibility always exists within a marriage or long-term relationship. When we are dating someone, we often put our best selves forward and do not reveal the darker side of our personalities.

Of particular interest is that many of the spousal killers addressed throughout this book were loved by their in-laws prior to the crime. How can this be? Well, as we have learned, spousal killers can be quite lovable. The nonhomicidal aspect of their personalities can be charming and very pleasant. They can successfully split off the unlovable, dangerous parts when they are not feeling enraged or entitled. In the more psychopathic cases, the homicidal spousal killer deliberately manipulates people in order to be seductive, lovable, and to get his or her own way. Perhaps even more striking is that a spouse can love his or her partner and kill them at the same time. In some cases such individuals do not necessarily want to kill their partner, they just want to get rid of the unlovable part of their spouse and keep the rest.