'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse (26 page)
Read 'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse Online
Authors: Robi Ludwig,Matt Birkbeck
Tags: #True Crime, #Murder, #Psychology
* * * * *
O
F
course, murder doesn’t just happen out of nowhere. People don’t just snap without any warning signs. There are
always
signs, but sometimes these signs are easier to detect in retrospect. Sometimes the signs are subtle. According to Joseph Scalia, unless you are sensitive enough to perceive these subtle symbols, it is possible to miss them altogether. Although there is no perfect way for professionals to predict who will become violent, there are certain markers to keep in mind: high frequency of violence, depression, controlling psychological treatment; and in male killers, poor ideas about women, dependency, physical violence in childhood, possession of weapons, use of drugs or alcohol, and threats to kill and/or to commit suicide. Of course, having these traits does not by any means define you or your spouse as a killer. No, these traits are merely symptoms exhibited by many spousal killers.
One of my hopes in writing this book is to raise awareness and shine a light on an issue that is often misunderstood. In a culture that romanticizes romance and violence, lethal combinations can result under the “right” circumstances. We all want our love lives to be perfect and to meet all of our needs for intimacy. This strong desire or wish often doesn’t prepare us for the realities of life and love. Life is challenging and so is love. As long as there is a failure to acknowledge and accept what it means to be truly human we will always be at the mercy of our impulsive nature. When we idealize happiness and what it means to be happy, the frustrations of life can make any of us vulnerable to anger, and eventually to violence.
As individuals, we need to be aware that romantic fantasies are just that. Marriage is not going to solve our problems or make them go away. Marriage does not change anyone. If someone is dangerous or problematic these characteristics often get worse with intimacy, not better. If we have self-destructive tendencies we need to remedy them before choosing our partners.
On a societal level, we need to be very careful about the messages we send out about violence, power, and the “right” way to solve problems. We are all connected. If the neighbors down the street have serious problems, this can have a ripple effect. We need to expand our view of community and get involved, make sure that we invest and make it our business when families are struggling, and we need to support resources that study and encourage the minimization of violence both in and outside the home.
While intimate-partner violence remains part of our culture, there is one good note: The actual number of homicides has declined. In part, this is due to our increased awareness of domestic violence and the increasing support resources that help struggling spouses. While one murder is one too many, this is a problem we all have the power to change. With that sentiment, I do hope this book has provided you with the right awareness, and that these stories will continue to educate and promote the understanding of threatened spousal relationships.
Acknowledgments
DR. ROBI LUDWIG:
I have always believed that our lives are only as good as the people we place in them, and I have been blessed with some amazing people who have entered into my life. Without them, I would not be who I am today; to each I owe enormous gratitude.
First I would like to thank my literary agent, Andrew Stuart, for finding me, choosing me as a client, and suggesting I write this book. This work was his idea and without him
’Till Death Do Us Part
would not exist. I also want thank my wonderful cowriter, Matt Birkbeck. Matt not only served as my cowriter, but he also became my supportive teacher and encouraging friend; I have enormous respect for his talent and skills. I also want to thank my television agent, Julie Eckhert, who has been with me from the very start. Thank you for seeing the possibility in me and my career and for having the vision to see how a psychotherapist would fit in the conservative world of TV news. As I have told you many times, Julie, I am so happy I found you! And to David Schifter, my first TV boss, who is now a good friend: You gave me my initial TV exposure and helped me to find my voice as a writer.
This acknowledgment would not be complete if I didn’t take a chance to thank the other very special people I’ve been blessed enough to work with in the television business: Thank you, Ms. Nancy Grace! You have been both a wonderful friend and inspiration to me. Not only do I love working with you but you always remind me to never forget the true purpose of why we do what we do on the air. Thank you, Larry King, for making me feel like a part of your
Larry King Live
family. Appearing on
Larry King Live
has been a real gift, a genuine pleasure, and a major highlight in my professional career. Thank you to Wendy Walker, executive producer of
Larry King Live,
Dean Sicoli, former senior producer of
Larry King Live
and current executive producer of
Nancy Grace,
and Hunter Waters, producer of
Larry King Live,
for inviting me to talk to a worldwide audience about such interesting and stimulating cases as the Scott Peterson trial and the Mark Hacking case. Thank you also to my friends at Court TV, who are a pleasure to work with and forever helpful; the pictures you afforded me for this book illuminated the research being discussed. Michelle Richmond, Ysaacc Sanchez, Diana Palmetiero, and Alicia Cascardi, I give you an enormous thanks. Thank you to Atria for choosing to publish my book and to Wendy Walker, my gifted editor, who worked her inimitable magic on this manuscript. You’re the best!
On a personal note, I want to thank two very important mentors in my life, Dr. Vicki Semel and Dr. Patricia Bratt, who have not only guided me personally but professionally and helped me to become the therapist I am today. Thank you to my family for your patience and understanding during all of the time it took to complete this enormous project. I know it was not always easy on you. And of course, thank you to my friends for your curiosity about my book and for supporting and taking pleasure in my professional achievements and success. I really appreciate you being in my life. You all mean the world to me!!!!!!
And finally, a very big Thank You to my husband, David, who is forever a positive force and an inspiration in my life.
MATT BIRKBECK:
When the phone call came from my literary agent, Andrew Stuart, asking if I’d be interested in cowriting a book about marriage and murder, I was somewhat resistant. I knew about the murder part, having covered far too many violent and tragic stories for a host of publications. And I knew about the marriage part, having been joined at the hip to my beautiful wife Donna for fourteen years. But I never really considered the deep-rooted reasons why a spouse would harm his or her significant other, much less take a life.
Needless to say I had a lot to learn, and after an initial meeting with Dr. Robi Ludwig at a Manhattan coffee shop in the dead of winter, I was hooked.
So thanks go to Andrew for bringing this idea to life, to Wendy Walker at Atria Books for her enthusiastic support and editing prowess, and of course, many thanks to Robi, whose commitment, boundless energy, exceptional work ethic, and deep insight made this a fascinating and very worthwhile project.
Intimate-Partner Violence: Links
A
MERICAN
I
NSTITUTE ON
D
OMESTIC
V
IOLENCE
2116 Rover Drive
Lake Havasu City, AZ 86403
Phone: 928-453-9015
The American Institute on Domestic Violence offers on-site workshops and conference presentations addressing the corporate cost of domestic violence in the workplace.
A
SIAN AND
P
ACIFIC
I
SLANDER
I
NSTITUTE ON
D
OMESTIC
V
IOLENCE
942 Market Street, 2nd Floor
San Francisco, CA 94102
Phone: 415-954-9964
The Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence is a national network that works to raise awareness in Asian and Pacific Islander communities about domestic violence; expand leadership and expertise within Asian and Pacific Islander communities about prevention, intervention, advocacy, and research; and promote culturally relevant programming, research, and advocacy by identifying promising practices.
C
ALIFORNIA
C
OALITION
A
GAINST
S
EXUAL
A
SSAULT
(CALCASA)
1215 K Street, Suite 1100
Sacramento, CA 95814
Phone: 916-446-2520
CALCASA hosts moderated discussion forums that focus on public health approaches to preventing violence against women. These publicly accessible, multidisciplinary discussion forums are moderated by experts in public health, domestic violence, and sexual assault and are designed to build a broad community of practice for ending all forms of violence against women.
C
ENTER FOR
S
UBSTANCE
A
BUSE
P
REVENTION
http://pathwayscourses.samhsa.gov/
The Center for Substance Abuse Prevention offers free Web-based courses. Courses deal with identifying problems and risk factors, screening and assessment tools, prevention and intervention strategies, tools for clients, and legal issues surrounding IPV. Various courses offer continuing education credits and are designed for professionals as well as the general public.
C
OMMUNITIES
A
GAINST
V
IOLENCE
N
ETWORK
Communities Against Violence Network (CAVNET) provides an interactive, online database of information; an international network of professionals; and real-time voice conferencing with professionals and survivors from all over the world, via the Internet. CAVNET seeks to address violence against women, youth violence, and crimes against people with disabilities.
C
ORPORATE
A
LLIANCE TO
E
ND
P
ARTNER
V
IOLENCE
2416 E Washington Street, Suite E
Bloomington, IL 61704-4472
Phone: 309-664-0667
The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV) is a national, nonprofit alliance of corporations and businesses throughout the United States and Canada, working to aid in the prevention of partner violence. CAEPV provides technical assistance and materials to help corporations and businesses address domestic violence in the workplace.
F
AITH
T
RUST
I
NSTITUTE
2400 45th Street, Suite 10
Seattle, WA 98103
Phone: 206-634-1903
Formally known as the Center for the Prevention of Domestic and Sexual Violence, FaithTrust Institute is an interreligious educational resource addressing issues of sexual and domestic violence. Its goal is to engage religious leaders in the task of ending abuse and to prepare human-services professionals to recognize and attend to the religious questions and issues that may arise in their work with women and children in crisis.
F
AMILY
V
IOLENCE
P
REVENTION
F
UND
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 415-252-8900
For more than two decades, the Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF) has worked to end violence against women and children around the world. Instrumental in developing the landmark Violence Against Women Act passed by Congress in 1994, FVPF has continued to break new ground by reaching new audiences, including men and youth; promoting leadership within communities to ensure that violence prevention efforts become self-sustaining; and transforming the way health care providers, police, judges, employers, and others address violence.
I
NSTITUTE ON
D
OMESTIC
V
IOLENCE IN THE
A
FRICAN
-A
MERICAN
C
OMMUNITY
University of Minnesota/School of Social Work
290 Peters Hall
1404 Gortner Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55108-6142
Phone: 877-643-8222
The Institute on Domestic Violence in the African-American Community seeks to create a community of African-American scholars and practitioners working in the area of violence in the African-American community, further scholarship in the area of African-American violence, raise community awareness of the impact of violence in the African-American community, inform public policy, organize and facilitate local and national conferences and training forums, and identify community needs and recommend best practices.
M
INNESOTA
C
ENTER
A
GAINST
V
IOLENCE AND
A
BUSE
School of Social Work
University of Minnesota
105 Peters Hall
1404 Gortner Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55108-6142
Phone: 612-624-0721
The Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse (MINCAVA) is an electronic clearinghouse with educational resources about all types of violence, including higher education syllabi, published research, funding sources, upcoming training events, individuals or organizations that serve as resources, and searchable databases with more than seven hundred training manuals, videos, and other education resources. MINCAVA is also part of a cooperative project—Violence Against Women Online Resources—between the center and the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Violence Against Women Office. The project’s website provides law, criminal justice, and social service professionals with current information about interventions to stop violence against women.