To Cherish and To Hold (Love of a Rockstar #1.5) (3 page)

Guilt clashed with a need to defend myself. “They shouldn’t bring Nil into this shit show!”

“I agree wholeheartedly, but you knew what you were signing up for when I placed that ring on your finger.”

The diamond set in the rose gold band glittered in the light. Luke had proposed twice. First at a Five Guys concert in front of a thousand plus people but instead of a yes, he’d gotten rejected due to a host of reasons. Manly, my impending move to Paris with my sort-of boyfriend. The second time Luke asked, I’d broken up with said boyfriend because my love for Luke hadn’t faded. He was the one I wanted to grow old with. That’s what ran through my head when he got down on a bended knee, not the consequences.

“If I knew our future would be this….” My eyes darted out of the window to where Luke’s groupies continued to sing. “Or whatever the hell they wrote in some trashy magazine about our brilliant, adorable daughter, then I wouldn’t have been so apt to jump on the bandwagon.”

Luke flinched as if my statement physically wounded him. “Geez, don’t hold back or anything.”

I wrenched my hand away as I stood. It wasn’t his fault his career had an abnormally bright spotlight, but it also was. He chose the life of a musician. Nobody had forced it upon him. Fury blazed in my line of sight. I wanted to punch the reporters, the god-awful groupies who teased Luke with their cleavage, and whoever else messed with the second chance he’d been given with his family.

“I’m going to go for a run,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t run.”

Turning on my heels, my body hummed with pent up aggression, waiting and ready to be released. “I do now.”

M
y lungs burned with fire, as did my limbs. I set my hands on my knees and bent forward, gasping for breath. Stupid idea. Yoga was my cup of tea; running was reserved for masochists. I swallowed a lump of nausea. Looking over my shoulder, my yellow cottage stood a mere five blocks away. Pathetic. After Nil had been born, Camille and I made a pact to get back in shape. We went to the gym twice before we abandoned the idea for the ice cream parlor across the street that had over a hundred different flavors. Since then, life had gotten in the way, but with my wedding date creeping closer, there wasn’t room for excuses. I could do workout videos on YouTube instead. A classmate from my old pastry school had lost fifty pounds that way. With that in mind, my feet did a one-eighty toward home. The anger that resided earlier faded into a low hum of regret. Luke didn’t deserve me snapping at him. He had a lot on his plate and giving up Five Guys for a domestic life couldn’t be easy either. While it showed how much he loved us, I hoped he didn’t regret it later. The groupies sat crossed legged on my lawn, guitars strumming, eyes closed. They sang Five Guys’ first number one hit, “Break Me,” in clear, melodic voices. A light sprinkle rained from the sky. The temperature hovered in the low fifties and I shivered at their lack of clothing. If they caught a cold, the press would deem it as torture.

Unlocking the front door, Luke called out from the kitchen. “That was quick.”

I walked straight to the hall linen closet. We had a couple of blankets that hadn’t been used in years. Minus the scent of mothballs, they were thick and warm. Ideal for protecting you against the winter chill.

Luke appeared underneath the archway and glanced curiously at the stack in my arms. “What are you up to?”

“They will freeze out there.”

“Who? The groupies?”

I shot a look at him that said duh, who else? He slid the blankets into his arms while adding a second one on top. It towered precariously.

“Can you pour the tea into the mugs I set out on the counter?” Luke asked.

“You made tea for them?”

“No honey in Mandy’s cup, though. She is allergic.” He poked his head around the blankets as he navigated his way to the front door.

I stared after him, flummoxed.
How did Luke know the groupies’ drink order? Or their names for that matter?
His manager had strongly encouraged him not to interact, but I guess his large heart prevented him from doing so. I smiled, about to burst with love for the man who’d captured my eye at eighteen. Our story hadn’t been without its pitfalls, but he was worth every tear shed.

Luke had his hand on the doorknob when I spoke. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. My hormones are extra hormonal lately.”

“No worries. I still love you to infinity and beyond.”

I grinned at his cheesy
Star Wars
reference. “You are a nerd.”

“You find it sexy.”

“More than I should.”

Laughing, he blew me a kiss and walked outside. I added tea bags to the mugs along with hot water. As I went to grab a lemon from the fridge, the overwhelming scent of tuna caused my gag reflex to react. Recoiling, my palm flattened against my abdomen. Nausea rolled swiftly then dissipated.

What the heck was that about?

I adore shellfish and it rarely makes me want to search for the nearest trashcan, unless it’s tainted, of course. Nevertheless, the only time that I couldn’t stand the stuff was when –

Holy shit.

Counting backwards, panic froze my veins. I was late by two weeks. I was never late. Birth control had a ninety percent effective rate. My chances of being pregnant were slim to none. Yet that ten percent window mocked me. Abandoning my task, I ran into the bathroom and yanked open the medicine cabinet. The blue pills were all accounted for. My eyes wandered to the cough medicine next to the faucet. As I scanned the back of the bottle, my heart sank.

In tiny script it read:
May interfere with birth control.

The dizzy spells, ravenous hunger, sore breasts, and uncanny sense of smell were suddenly explained. It’s not that I didn’t want a second child with Luke. It was the timing. Our lives were in a transitional phase and for once, it would be nice to have a stable home environment to welcome a baby into. I gripped the edge of the sink. The dirty mirror reflected the black and blue smudges underneath my eyes. Sleep hadn’t been easy to come by lately. Crippling exhaustion crashed down upon me and forced my feet to head in the direction of my bedroom. When pregnant with Nil, I spent my first trimester either in bed or kneeling at the toilet. Fingers crossed this pregnancy was kinder to my body. I crawled underneath the feather soft duvet with a sigh. As soon as my head hit the pillow, sleep tugged at my subconscious.

“Mommy!”

Thirty pounds of bouncing energy startled me awake. Nil screeched in delight when my gaze landed on her. Dressed in a pink tutu, tights, and tiara, she looked like a princess. Her blonde curls were matted to her forehead.

“Did you get caught in the rain, sweetheart?” I asked.

“No.” She stopped jumping and flopped dramatically next to me. “Would it be ok if I wanted to quit the play?”

Nil had been chosen to play the lead character in The Nutcracker, which was a huge honor. Mrs. Meyers didn’t hand out that role lightly. Up until now, I’d thought Nil was just as excited as Luke and I were. There had to be a reason for her apprehensiveness. Like always, she revealed the root of the problem.

“It’s hard,” she pouted. “And Mrs. Meyers said there is gonna be thousands of people there.” Her blue eyes swam with fear. “Is that true?”

I opened my arms and she settled her cheek against my chest. My finger circled lazily on her back. The sweet smell of gardenias mingled with baby powder. It tickled my nose—a scent unique to my daughter.

“You will have an audience,” I said. “But you know what I do to battle stage fright?”

“What?”

“Close my eyes, take a deep breath, count to five, and tap into my inner calm.”

Her eyebrows bunched together. “Where is it?”

“It’s deep in your belly. Do you want to try?”

Nil scrambled to a sitting position and pulled her face into a mask of concentration.

I laughed quietly as I mirrored her actions. We faced each other like two warriors about to enter battle.

“Ok, close your eyes.” Once Nil followed suit, I did as well. “Breathe through your nose, into your belly, and out through the mouth. Do that five times.” My eyelids fluttered open as I counted her breaths. At the last and final exhale, my mouth stretched into a proud smile. “Good job!”

The anxiety was rid from her gaze. “I did it! It worked, Mommy! I feel my inner calm.”

“Do you think you can do that before you enter the stage?”

“Yeah, I think so. Are you and Daddy going to be there?”

“Of course, we wouldn’t miss it.” I yanked her into my lap and rested my chin on top of her head. “I love you, Nilly.”

“I love you, too.”

At five years old, she was somehow far wiser than most kids her age. It came from Luke who I teased mercilessly about being born in the wrong decade. Nil had also inherited her dad’s kindness and easygoing personality. They made my life richer than all the money in the world.

Luke padded into the bedroom, barefoot. “Hey, what are my two favorite girls doing?”

“Mommy taught me how to find calm.”

“She did? Where did you find it?” He jumped on the bed, playfully attacking Nil. She erupted in a fit of giggles as he tickled a weak spot. “Here?”

She squirmed. “No, it’s in your belly.”

“Your belly, huh?” Luke’s fingers moved to her side.

Nil’s laughter overflowed with contagious joy.

I freeze-framed this moment to look back on and savor. To think in nine months, there could be another little human filling this house with noise…. Instead of anxiety, elation washed over me. While this pregnancy hadn’t been planned, it would be a blessing, just like Nil was.