To Cherish and To Hold (Love of a Rockstar #1.5) (4 page)

I
ducked out of the house under the excuse of buying groceries. Luke and Nil were cuddled up on the couch, watching a Disney movie. They’d hardly noticed I left. With the determination of a woman on a mission, I marched into Rite Aid and headed for the family planning aisle. Stacks of pregnancy tests lined the shelves to my right. Five years ago, they didn’t have nearly as many options. I swiped the same brand I’d used to find out about Nil. Then added two more tests to my basket. You can never be too sure. On my way to the checkout counter, a candy bar and a food magazine mysteriously ended up in there as well. Since privacy was hard to come by at my house, I ran to the restroom as soon as the cashier handed me the receipt. Finding an empty stall, I secured the lock and tore into the cardboard packaging. When nervous, my bladder kicked into higher gear so the whole peeing on demand thing wasn’t a problem. I positioned the pink and white stick between my legs. Five seconds later, my first test was ready to go. As I waited to find out if my future involved baby wipes and spit up, my knee jangled. My already bitten-to-the-quick nails got shorter. If I were pregnant, how would Luke react to the news? With Nil, he’d seemed ecstatic at first, calling her his little butterbean and tracking my progress. Fast forward eight months later though, and the story drastically changed. Alone and pregnant, Camille had become my surrogate partner. That couldn’t happen again. Luke couldn’t miss the first four years of his child’s life. I wanted us to experience his or hers milestones together. Document them in a scrapbook where the father wasn’t missing. The timer on my cellphone chimed and I silenced it. Apprehension sat heavily on my chest. Sweat beaded along my hairline as I flipped the stick face up. Two pink lines stared back at me.

“Holy shit.” My hand flew to my mouth.

Pregnant.

Preggers.

Prego.

Tears leaked from the corner of my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. Luke, Nil and I were going to welcome a new addition. My gaze stayed glued to the stick as if the answer would change. It didn’t. A thousand and one thoughts whirled through my mind. Where would the nursery go? Would my wedding dress still fit me? Is it a boy or girl? What would we name it? My breathing grew shallow. Grappling for my purse, my hand closed around my cell phone. While Camille and I still weren’t on the best of terms, she
was
my best friend. Had been since we were little and knew how to coax me off the ledge of panic faster than Luke did.

“This better be good. I have a test to study for that counts for half my grade,” she answered in the way of a greeting.

Talking over the phone wouldn’t do. Camille needed to be here in this smelly bathroom stall with me, counseling and cracking inappropriate jokes.

“Can you take a break?” I whispered ferociously. “Please. I’m at the Rite Aid on 15
th
and Republican.”

“What happened? Did you steal a tube of lipstick and get caught?” She gasped. “Oh my God! Are you in holding right now?”

“No but….” My voice cracked, as did my composure. Mascara streaked my cheeks. “I just really need you here. It’s important.”

Recognizing the signs of a full-blown meltdown, Camille changed her tune. “Ok, I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Thank you,” I sniffled.

I shoved the test back into its plastic packaging for safekeeping and walked out of the stall to the sink. Turning the faucet onto ice cold, my hands cupped the water and splashed it on my face. A paper towel blotted away the remnants of my ruined makeup. My outward appearance now matched how I felt internally. Exposed and raw, like an open wound. Hoisting my butt onto the edge of the counter, my feet dangled off the side. My teeth bit off a piece of the chocolate bar while I waited for Camille to appear. I didn’t have to wait long.

She came barreling into the restroom, breathless and frantic. Her eyes narrowed when she caught sight of my relaxed posture. “What the hell?! You made it seem as if you were in great peril.”

“Great peril? You need to stop reading those romance novels.”

“Whatever! What’s so awful that you made me rush down here?”

Camille caught the package I tossed to her. Glancing at it then back up at me, I confirmed her unspoken question. Disbelief darkened her features.

“Seriously?” she asked.

“Serious as a heart attack.”

“Shit, that’s a….”

“Shock?” I barked out a laugh. “That’s an understatement.”

Camille scooted onto the counter and stole my candy bar, mid-bite. She tore off a large piece, chewing thoughtfully. Silence allowed for panic to creep inside my heart. Panic was exactly the emotion I’d invited Camille here to chase away. She was failing miserably.

I spoke. “It’s not as if I didn’t know exactly. The symptoms were there but things have been insane lately to put it mildly. Last night when the idea occurred that I might be pregnant, euphoria flooded my veins. Then today when I saw those two pink lines….”

“It became reality.”

“Exactly and I have so much on my plate already—a wedding to plan, a restaurant to tackle, and a honeymoon in Paris. Bringing a baby into the fold is too overwhelming to imagine.”

Camille grinned. “You and Luke make cute kids, though.”

She was spot on about that. We did make cute kids, adorable even, mostly thanks to Luke’s genes. I grabbed the candy bar back from Camille. Chocolate coated my tongue.

I swallowed. “Do you remember how Nil used to get thigh burns because they used to rub together constantly?”

“Rolls for days.”

Laughing, we strolled down memory lane together. The diaper changes, the late night feedings, and having to change clothes due to unmentionable stains. Camille didn’t leave my side until I became comfortable enough to handle Nil on my own. She’d gone beyond the normal duties of a friend. Without her and my grandmother, the unpredictable tides of motherhood would have drowned me.

“Was Luke a fat baby?” Camille asked.

“No, that was me. I had arm rolls, thigh rolls and stomach rolls. I can show you pictures.”

“I would love that.” She captured me in a weighty sideways glance. “So?”

Picking at a hangnail on my thumb, blood pooled. This baby growing inside me sparked a wicked case of
déjà vu,
but one thing was certain: Luke and I had an unbreakable bond that had only grown since he’d returned three months ago. We were in this together.

“So, I’m not sure.” My hand rested on my stomach. “It’s weird.”

“Tell me about it. The whole idea of having a living human bobbing around inside you gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Camille’s stance on kids had never wavered, but I’d always hoped once the right guy came along, she’d change her mind. She would be an amazing mother.

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I said. “I’m talking about how this time last year I had no idea I would be sitting in a woman’s restroom, knocked up with Luke’s baby and actually consider having it.”

“Life is like a roller coaster. You have to hold on and have faith that it won’t explode in a fiery crash.”

“That’s awfully depressing advice.”

She shrugged, unperturbed. “I got that nugget of wisdom from my mom. Blame her.”

“I’m ok. Your mom scares me.”

“Me and you both,” Camille grumbled.

Crumpling the empty candy wrapper, it landed gracefully in the trash. Luke and Nil were probably wondering what happened to me. I hopped off the counter while Camille did the same. Before we went our separate ways though, I needed to hear her honest to God opinion.

“What do you think I should do?” I questioned.

“The last time I offered my advice on something like this, it ended up almost destroying our friendship,” she said, referring to when she’d kept Luke from seeing Nil the day of her birth.

“That’s because it wasn’t asked for and you went ahead and did it anyways, but that’s in the past. What should I do?”

Camille chewed her bottom lip, reluctance written in the lines around her mouth. “Only you know that answer.”

I threw my hands in the air. “Camille! What should I do?!”

“You should keep the baby! Duh!” she blurted in a single breath. “Jesus, you are tenacious.”

Camille confirmed what I’d already decided in my heart. Luke and I had been given a second chance at love, and now we’d been given a second chance at reliving the moments he’d missed with Nil. Camille gasped in surprise as my arms flung around her neck. She stumbled backwards, laughing.

“I’m going to be a mom again,” I whispered into her hair.

“You are.”

“Luke will be able to witness how terrifying childbirth is.”

Camille snorted. “It’s not that bad.”

Taking a step backwards, I raised my eyebrows at her
. “Yeah? You want to try pushing a five pound baby out of you without an epidermal because you get to the hospital too late and there is nobody to hold your hand because the baby’s dad is supposedly an asshole who could care less about you?”

Camille shifted uncomfortably as an awkward tension hung in the air. My outburst went to show that no matter how much we’d tried to bandage our friendship, what Camille had done to me that day would always be the permanent elephant in the room.

She picked up her bag off the floor. “Luke will be right by your side this time, that’s what matters, right?”

“Right.”

“I have to go. My test won’t ace itself.” She gave a weak wave and was about to open the door when she turned around. “Congrats by the way. This baby will be amazing, just like Nil is.”

A lump formed in my throat. “Thanks.”

She opened her mouth. I watched as a cocktail of regret and sadness flashed across Camille’s face. But it seemed, like me, she also didn’t know what words to utter that would fix the gaping hole between us. Her lips closed and she settled for a sharp nod instead.

“Bye.”

She skittered out of the woman’s restroom, widening the gap into a chasm.