To Have the Doctor's Baby (14 page)

“No, it was amazing actually.” It was like when they
were first married. She wanted to hang on to the joy and excitement, but knew now there was no way to do that.

Avery chewed thoughtfully, then swallowed. “So, if sex was awesome but I shouldn't wish I was having it, that means you were unsuccessful in your attempt to ‘man up' and have no feelings.”

“That's what I love about you. Right in one without a lengthy explanation.”

“So you've fallen in love with him again.”

“Again would imply that somewhere along the line I stopped loving him. And now I know I never did.”

“Oh, sweetie—” Avery reached over and squeezed her hand. “So, you're still in love with a heartless workaholic.”

“I can't really say he works like he used to. He's auditioning a medical partner.”

“Okay.” Her friend nodded, absorbing that information. “So now he has more time to be heartless.”

“He's not,” Ryleigh defended. “If anything he cares too much.”

“So, what's changed?”

“Nothing. He's still the same intense Nick.”

“Then I don't get it.” Avery tucked her legs up beside her. “You were heartbroken because Nick didn't care enough to carve out time for you. What's different? Does he want to give it another try?”

“That's just it. I found out he never really wanted to try in the first place.” Ryleigh explained about his father and mother, then the second marriage and losing Todd. “It's a lot of baggage for him to carry around.”

“No kidding. The man buries himself in work to avoid coping with complicated, messy emotions he doesn't want to feel in the first place.”

“Exactly.” Ryleigh took a sip of wine.

“So, he's got abandonment issues.”

“It sounds like a cliché.” But when one was head over heels in love and on the receiving end of reluctance to commit, it didn't feel clichéd. It just hurt. “But that's pretty much right on target.”

“And then he takes a chance, gets married and you walk out on him just like everyone else.”

If Ryleigh had just sipped wine, she'd be spitting it out now. “What?”

“You abandoned him.” In spite of the words there was sympathy in her friend's blue eyes. “I know you were hoping he'd come after you, but to him you were one more person who left.”

“I thought you were on my side.”

“Oh, sweetie, I am. That's why I have to be the voice of objectivity. Look at it from his perspective.”

When the flash of anger flamed out, Ryleigh did just that. “Oh, God, Avery. You're right. And it's no excuse that I was young and stupid.”

“Sure it is.”

“No. He didn't talk about his past and I didn't push him for information. I should have.”

“Shoulda, woulda, coulda. What are you? The relationship police?” Avery sat cross-legged, facing her. “It takes two people to make a couple. You couldn't do it on your own. He has to take some of the responsibility for what went wrong.”

“I left because he hurt me a lot,” she said.

“Not a newsflash. I was the one who held you when you cried. The question is what you're going to do now that you know all his demons.”

“I'm not sure.”

“Okay. Then how about this. Are you still looking for the fairy tale?”

Ryleigh laughed. That seemed so silly and immature now. But she had been that girl with the stars in her eyes. The one who believed in happy ever after with a family of her own. Now that she knew it would only happen with Nick and he wasn't likely to take a chance on her again, she figured the fairy tale had just fractured into a thousand pieces.

“No. Fairy tales don't exist. But…”

“What?”

“Before you asked what was different this time and I think the answer to that question is me.”

“How so?”

“There are no rose-colored glasses. No pedestals and hero worship. No delirious giddiness. I know Nick the man. This time the feelings are just honest and soul-deep and
there
.” She smiled sadly at her friend. “Thanks for not saying I told you so.”

“About what?”

“That I couldn't come out of this baby bargain with Nick unscathed.”

“Oh. Wish I'd thought of it. I would have said it if I'd remembered.” Avery shrugged and her feisty factor slipped considerably. “You also vowed that there was no way you'd get hurt.”

“Sorry. I think I broke that promise—”

A tidal wave of emotions slammed her and choked off the words. Before she could stop them tears started rolling down her cheeks. “Oh, sweetie—”

And once again her friend Avery was holding her while she cried. In a few moments she managed to get the storm under control. After a sniffle and brushing the moisture off her cheeks, she tried to smile. “Okay. I feel better now. Thanks for listening.”

“Any time. You'd do the same for me.” Avery grinned, then turned serious. “But I have to ask because what are friends for except to ask the tough questions—”

“It's okay. Ask.”

“Knowing what you know now, are you going to keep trying for a baby with Nick?”

That wasn't a tough question. It was an impossible one. Her yearning for Nick's baby was even stronger than when she'd come back to town.

She answered honestly. “I wish I knew.”

I
t wasn't the ham sandwich and beer for dinner that Nick minded. That did its job and killed the hunger pains. What he minded was the non-specific pain he felt without Ryleigh. This was almost two weeks of nights without her there. Nights where she arrived so late she went straight to bed. Every day he expected her to announce she was moving back to her apartment, but she didn't. She just kept not showing up.

He'd been on the family-room sofa, channel surfing for the last two hours and couldn't find anything to make him forget her. It's not like he didn't know how it felt to be alone. He'd been that way all his life, with brief intervals of relief. The problem was that having Ryleigh here in the house again had been another brief interval. Nights by himself reminded him how bad it was going to be when she was gone again.

Now that he thought about it, maybe she was doing him
a favor. The less he saw of her the better. When the deal was done and she was gone, he knew exactly how long it would be before he could no longer smell the scent of her skin everywhere and want her more than his next breath. The sooner the process started, the better off he'd be.

Then he heard a key in the front door and his heart squeezed tight, like a fist in his chest. So much for being better off.

Her heels clicked on the entryway tiles before she appeared in the family room. She looked surprised to see him there.

She walked over to the couch and set her purse down. “You're still up.”

“It's not late.” That was a lie, but maybe it had nothing to do with the hour. He wanted to pull her onto his lap and put his arms around her. Hold her. “Did you eat dinner?”

“Yeah.” She laughed, but without humor. “As it turned out, I had a sandwich in the cafeteria with Avery.”

“She worked late?”

“Yes. Spencer Stone has no quit in him.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask what had kept her from coming home to eat. Just in time he remembered the rules. This wasn't her home. She was here to get pregnant. They were friends and she didn't owe him an explanation. But he was way too relieved that she hadn't been with another man and he hated the relief thundering through him.

“You look tired.”

He hadn't meant to say that. The words just wouldn't stay inside. That's when he realized how damn tired he was of censoring his thoughts and what came out of his mouth. So damn tired of the effort it took to hold every
thing back. But the alternative was to put himself on the line and he couldn't do that.

“I am tired,” she admitted.

In spite of that, she'd stayed at work. It was turning into a habit—ever since that day in her office when he'd asked her to dinner. He'd thought about pushing her a little harder, turning on the charm to change her mind. But he'd decided against it. There'd been a coolness in her since the night he'd told her the whole truth about his past.

Maybe that's why he'd kept it to himself when he'd first met her, sensing it would put distance between them. The fact that he'd been right didn't make him happy. Withholding information probably made him the world's biggest jerk, but he could live with that. What he couldn't live with was letting her in and losing her again.

“I probably should go to bed,” she said.

“Yeah. Get some rest.”

“Good night, Nick.”

“Sleep tight.” It would be more than he could manage, but that was his problem, not hers.

She started to turn away, then stopped, a troubled expression on her face, a bruised, uncertain look in her dark eyes. Whatever had sent her running apparently was still bugging her. He wanted to make it better, but he was tired, too. And right now he didn't think he had the strength to stay on the non-personal side of the line he'd drawn in the sand.

“Can I talk to you about something?” she asked.

“How about in the morning?”

“It really won't take that long,” she promised.

He'd never been able to refuse her much of anything except what she'd wanted most. “Okay.”

She sat on the edge of the couch. No part of their bodies touched, but the scent of her burrowed inside him
and touched him in places he tried so hard to keep her out of.

“I have a confession,” she started.

“That's never good.”

“As confessions go, this isn't the bad one.”

Meaning there was another revelation he would like even less. “Oh?”

“I lied to you. The day you came into my office with your equipment requests. Work wasn't the reason I turned down your dinner invitation.”

“Okay.” He didn't want to ask her why she'd felt she couldn't be honest. The fact that she couldn't meant that he wasn't going to like any part of this.

“It's just that I really needed to talk to Avery.”

“You could have told me she was having a problem that required girl talk.” It was time to call it a night. “So, conscience clear. They say that's the prescription for a good night's sleep.” He wouldn't know. Where Ryleigh was concerned it seemed his sense of right and wrong was never clear.

“I have another confession.” She twisted her fingers together in her lap.

It was like waiting for the other boulder to fall.

Ryleigh met his gaze. “I love you, Nick.”

“Sure. Like a friend.”

“No. I'm in love with you.” She shook her head. “I don't expect you to say anything. No reciprocal declarations if that's what you're afraid of.”

“I'm not afraid.”

“Then why are you starting to sweat?” She smiled a little, but it only made her look sad. “I didn't tell you that for my sake. I did it because I'm concerned about you.”

“Why? I'm fine.”

“You're not, Nick. I know what you're doing and it worries me.”

“What am I doing?”

“You won't let yourself get close to anyone.”

“Not a newsflash. We already talked about this. There's no point in going over it again.” Wow, did he want those words back. Telling her
no
was like a challenge. As if she needed any encouragement to give him a piece of her mind. The old Ryleigh would have needed it, but not this woman. She'd been telling it like it was since she came back into his life.

“I think there is a point. You're determined to keep yourself safe from messy emotions.”

“You don't know what you're talking about.”

“I didn't before, but I do now. You're afraid of being like your father. He loved so deeply that when it went south, his world imploded and yours along with it. To keep that from happening you won't let yourself love at all.”

He dragged his fingers through his hair. “Again, old news.”

“I know. Believe me, you can't be more upset about this than me.”

“The hell I can't.” He'd tried, but hadn't been able to forget the look on her face just now when she'd said she loved him. It had taken every ounce of self-control he had not to take her in his arms and never let her go. “You broke the rules.”

“I didn't do it on purpose. It just happened. And I don't want to talk about me. It's you I'm concerned about.”

He saw the pity in her eyes and that pissed him off. “Don't be.”

“I can't help that, either. When you love someone it kind of goes with the territory.” She sighed. “The thing is, I don't think I ever stopped loving you. I ran away from
the feeling before and now I realize that I couldn't outrun it.” Her look was calm when she added, “I just needed to tell you. If you want to back out of our deal, it's okay. I broke the rule and you shouldn't feel like you're breaking your word. It's not fair to hold you to the bargain when you can't care the way I do.”

Her serenity and certainty bugged the hell out of him. She'd been challenging him since that day in her office when she'd told him she wanted a baby. She'd pushed and nudged and rattled his cage until he couldn't think of anything but her. He cared, damn it. She was the only woman who'd ever tempted him to lose control. He didn't know how to put it into words the way she did, but he could show her.

He stood and started to reach for her when the cell phone hooked onto his belt vibrated. A call this late at night was never good news.

Nick pulled it out of the case and answered. “Damian.”

“Dr. Damian, this is Mary from the answering service.”

Not now. He didn't need this now. Maybe it was nothing. “What's up?”

“Marilyn Matthews called.”

A bad feeling knotted inside him. “Is David having an asthma attack?”

“She said there was an accident. It's Jonathan. He's probably going to need surgery. She said to tell you David is pretty upset, but so far he's okay. She just wanted you to know what's going on. The family is in the surgical waiting room at Mercy Medical Center.”

Nick knew exactly how bad it felt to be the older brother who couldn't do anything to help. “Stress can be an asthma trigger,” he said absently. “I'm on my way.”

“Should I let her know?”

“No. Don't tie up her phone. I'll be there in ten minutes.” Nick clicked off and looked at Ryleigh. “What's wrong?”

“David's brother was in an accident and needs surgery. I have to go.”

“Of course you do.” There was no accusation in her voice. That was different from before, when they were married.

“It's not like that.” And it wasn't. He knew what David was going through. “There might be something I can do to help him.”

“It's okay,” she said. “Before, when we were married, I would try to get close and you used work to put up barriers. And I let you get away with it. But that's not going to happen this time.”

 

Ryleigh didn't get a chance to explain to Nick what she meant because he raced out of the house. After changing out of her business suit into jeans and a sweater, she wasn't far behind him getting to the hospital. She went to the surgery waiting room on Mercy Medical Center's second floor. It was a typical waiting area. There was a TV with sound muted suspended in the corner. The perimeter of the room was ringed with chairs covered in blue and green tweed. Powder-blue-painted walls made for a serene atmosphere. But the reality was, pleasant or not, this was not a place anyone really wanted to be unless there was no option.

Nick was sitting beside David Negri. She remembered the boy who'd wanted so desperately to play football. The mother was familiar, too. Her face was taut with tension and a worry different from the asthma clinic. In her eyes, the fear was about life and death. There was no way to
imagine a mother's terror, and Ryleigh's heart broke for this woman.

Nick was talking quietly, trying to reassure them about Jonathan. Ryleigh hadn't met the younger boy, but there'd been affection in Nick's expression when he'd mentioned the family after an office visit. No one had noticed her until she walked farther into the room; then the three looked up expectantly. They were anxious for good news and she wished it was in her power to give it to them. If Children's Medical Charities money would guarantee a good outcome for this family, she would allocate the funds right now.

“Hi,” she said.

“You're the lady from the asthma clinic,” David said.

“You have a good memory. How are you holding up, Marilyn?”

“Better with Dr. Damian here.”

Ryleigh could see how she'd feel that way. There was a strength about Nick that was comforting. He didn't look like a doctor in his worn jeans and white cotton shirt. There was just a solid sense of character, that he would make it all okay. When she met his gaze, he shrugged.

“Any word yet?” she asked.

He shook his head. “But I was just telling them that Jonathan is in excellent hands. Jake Andrews is the best trauma surgeon in Las Vegas.”

“He's right,” Ryleigh said to them. “I've heard about him and it's all good.”

“It's my fault Jonny got hurt,” David blurted out.

“What?” His mother put her arm around him.

With tears shining in his eyes, the boy looked at her. “You got called in to work. I was in charge,” he said, clearly upset. “I should have watched him better. Then
he wouldn't have sneaked out to ride his bike in the dark. The car wouldn't have hit him.”

“Don't do this to yourself, sweetie. Your brother is very strong-willed and has a mind of his own. This isn't the first time he slipped out without permission. But it will be the last—” Her voice broke and she put a hand over her mouth, to hold in the panic that was pushing to get out. She hadn't meant to sound ominous, just a mom's determination to change the offending behavior.

“That strong will of his is what's going to pull him through this.” Nick looked at her, the expression in his eyes fierce and firm. “As for blame? You guys can kick that one back and forth till hell won't have it. What if you hadn't worked? Maybe you'd have heard him going out. Maybe not. The ‘what ifs' will make you crazy. Jonathan made a choice. A bad one. He's paying a price. I guarantee you that
when
he recovers, he won't do it again.”

The Nick Damian brand of tough love. The thing was, it couldn't be tough or any other kind without the love. Ryleigh's heart caught. No matter what he said, Nick had the capacity to care deeply and used an impersonal facade to protect himself from being hurt. He had coping skills in place and she hadn't understood that when they were married.

He did respond when patients needed him. Maybe sometimes he'd been hiding from his feelings, and he might think he couldn't love, but that wasn't what she saw. Her friend had made her realize that she was one of a long line of people who had let him down. That stopped now. He was here to help others and she was here to help him.

“I'm going to get coffee,” she said, choking back her own emotions. “Can I get anything for you, Marilyn? David?” When they shook their heads she looked at Nick.