Together We Heal (3 page)

But my secrets were something else. Something deeper. Something darker. Something that was the stuff of nightmares. I didn’t talk about it, even to Stryker. I never talked about it and did whatever I could to not think about any of it.

The other part of it was that I had no idea how to feel about the fact that I was going to be an aunt and my brother was going to be a father. I mean, what the fuck?

A baby. I couldn’t picture him holding a baby. Being a dad and having a car seat in his car and making bottles and changing diapers. It went against everything I knew about my brother.

On the other hand, he practically raised me. We only had each other when our parents were drunk, or too busy cooking meth in the basement to bother to feed us. And then later when we shuffled from home to home.

He was going to be a great father. I was sure Katie would step up and be a good mom, too. I bet getting knocked up wasn’t in her life plan, but if she could handle her father’s death like she had, then she could deal with a baby. Her sister was pregnant also, so they’d probably have a joint baby shower or something. She better have a girl, because she already had pink
everything
.

I got my ass to class after giving Max a kiss and finally mustered up the courage to call Stryker in the afternoon when I had a break.

“Hey, bro,” I said.

“Well hello to you, my dear sister,” he said, his voice stiff.

“Look, I was an asshole, okay? Do you want me to do the long apology and grovel and shit?” A girl walking by glared at me, probably for swearing, and I glared right back at her until she passed by.

“Yeah, you
were
an asshole. This is a huge thing for me and you just bailed when I needed you to support me. I’m so scared I’m going to fuck this up, Trish. So fucking scared.” I could hear it in his voice. My brother didn’t get scared, like, ever, so this was serious.

“I mean,” he continued, “how am I going to pay for this? There’s no room in this apartment for a baby. And what if it comes out and hates me? What if I don’t know what to do when it’s crying and I fuck it up and send it to therapy for the rest of its life?” I almost wanted to laugh at him.

“Dude, calm down. I’m pretty sure every single father ever has had those same thoughts. You’re going to be fine. You’ll figure it out. You raised me and I turned out… well, I turned out. I’m alive and in college and that’s pretty damn amazing. And you’re not doing this alone. You have your girl. She’s strong. You’ll figure it out together.” There was no doubt in my mind when I saw them together, really together, that they were somehow meant for one another. They would work it out.

He sighed.

“I don’t even know what to do right now. I feel like I should go out and buy diapers or something. I didn’t want her to go to class today.”

“Why?”

“Because what if she trips on the sidewalk and falls? What if she gets hurt? I’m fucking losing my mind right now because I’m not there with her.” Now that made me laugh. My overzealous, overprotective brother.

“Why are you laughing at me? This is serious, Trish,” he said as I tried to stifle myself.

“I’m sorry. You’re just worrying about being a dad and you pretty much already are one. You don’t need to change who you are. You’re already good at it.” I didn’t often give him praise, but he needed to hear it today.

“That doesn’t stop me from freaking the fuck out,” he said.

“Well, you’ll get over it eventually. How’s Katie? Has she told her mom yet?” I’d met Mrs. Hallman at the worst possible time, right after she’d lost her husband, and I didn’t have the best impression of her from what Katie had told me. Their relationship was getting better, but I didn’t know how this was going to go over.

“Not yet. She wanted to go to the doctor to confirm and see how far along she is. The appointment is tomorrow.” Wow. This was getting serious. So adult. My brother was a grown-up.

I wanted to ask him how it happened, but I didn’t think he’d tell me, so I didn’t bother.

“You going to go with her, Daddy?” I said, needling him a little bit more.

“Shut up, of course I am. And don’t call me that. It’s weird and a little creepy.” I rolled my eyes, which of course he couldn’t see.

“Listen, could you do me a huge favor? I have a late lab tonight, so could you go over to my place and hang with Katie for a while? I just don’t want her to be alone right now. I keep imaging these horrible things happening to her.” Well, that was par for the course. Horrible things seemed to happen to Stryker and me.

“Sure thing. As long as she doesn’t give me graphic pregnancy details.” I shuddered at the thought. I really didn’t need to know any of that crap.

“I think you’re safe. And thanks, Trish.”

“No prob, bro.” I hung up and smiled. Stryker and I fought, but we would always make up. There was nothing so terrible either of us could do that would harm our relationship.

IT WORKED OUT
, hanging out with Katie, because Max had to work. Again. This time he was working in the kitchen of one of the local pizza joints. He always came back smelling like pizza and it made me want to devour him, but I held off. I always held off.

She was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling when I let myself in.

“You okay?” I asked and she turned her head and gave me a smile.

“I guess? I’m not really sure.” She put her hands over her lower belly. “I seriously can’t believe there is a person inside me right now.”

“Like a parasite,” I said, dropping my bags and crashing into one of the other chairs.

“But a very cute parasite that I want to slay dragons for,” she said, looking down at her hands.

“I bet you would.” Katie might look like a doe, but she was fierce as hell.

Her wide brown eyes finally looked up to meet mine.

“Did Stryker send you to babysit me?” she asked. I nodded, not even bothering to hide my motive for being there.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, but there was a smile on her face.

“That boy is going to lose his damn mind. I kid you not, he put a chair in the shower today. He was afraid I was going to slip and fall and impale myself.” We both burst out laughing and she sat up, shaking her head.

“If I had any reservations about him being a dad, they’re already gone. He’s going to be amazing. It’s me I’m worried about,” she said, clasping her hands together.

“Psh, you’re going to be fine. I mean, you take care of Stryker and he’s basically a baby, so what’s one more?” I was trying to make light of things, but she’d turned serious.

“I just keep wondering what my dad would say. I mean,” she said, her voice breaking, “I’d like to think he’d be happy, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t. And I don’t know how to tell my mom. I really don’t.” She put her head in her hands and I heard a muffled sob.

Shit. I was not good with this kind of stuff. Emotional stuff. But I got up from my chair and went to sit next to her, putting my arm gently around her.

“You’ll figure it out. You don’t have to do it right now. I mean, you’ve got nine months before you definitely have to tell her. You could just say you’re getting fat in one particular area.” She giggled and the sound was a little snotty. I got her a tissue and she blew her nose.

“I’m sorry for falling apart on you. I just didn’t want to do it front of Stryker because he’s already so stressed.” We sat on the couch for a while and then she got up to go to the bathroom. When she came back, I had the television on and had found a
Law & Order
marathon. That made her laugh again.

“Thanks, Trish,” she said, leaning her head on my shoulder.

“Anytime. Besides, you’re carrying my niece or nephew in there,” I said, pointing to her belly. She put her hand on it again. Of course it was still relatively flat under her shirt. Wouldn’t stay that way for long.

“So crazy.”

“I know.”

TRISH SEEMED A
lot calmer that night when she picked me up from work. I couldn’t afford a car on top of school, so she was my primary means of transportation.

“How was your day?” I asked as I leaned back in the passenger seat. I just wanted to get in the shower so I could wash the smell of pizza off me and the sauce out from under my fingernails.

“I made up with Stryker. And hung out with Katie for a while. They’re both freaking out, but in different ways.” Yup, she was definitely more calm. I was relieved.

She told me how Stryker had become seriously overprotective and Katie was worrying about telling her parents.

“What’s she going to do about school?” I asked as she pulled into the parking lot of my dorm.

“Don’t know yet. There’s only so much they can process at once and I don’t think they’ve gotten that far.”

We went inside and did our homework. We could have gone to hang out with the rest of her friends, but she decided she had a lot of work she wanted to get done before she worked this weekend at the fabric store with Lottie.

Yes, Trish was my girlfriend, but sometimes things between us felt completely platonic. I just kept hoping they would change. That one day she would open up and tell me why we couldn’t go past kissing. Why she wouldn’t let me touch her stomach or anything lower. Why we had to sleep in separate beds.

I was still waiting. I would have been lying if I said I hadn’t thought about calling it off. But then I would look at her and I’d want to punch myself for even considering it. I wasn’t going to be that asshole.

So I stayed. I stayed and I loved her at a distance. Because I did. Love her. She didn’t know and I’d tried to tell her a bazillion times, but the words always got caught in my throat and wouldn’t leave my mouth.

She had her secrets, I had mine. And we tiptoed around them, walking on eggshells. It had worked so far, but sooner or later, something was going to crack.

“Goodnight,” she said, giving me a chaste kiss on the mouth. She would never kiss me if the lights were out. I tried to keep the kiss going, but she broke away. I tried not to feel rejected and failed.

“Goodnight,” I said and shut the lights off.

TRISH WORKED PRETTY
much the whole weekend, and I studied and worked as well. It was normal and boring and dull. Sometimes I felt like I was ancient before I’d even gotten to have my first legal drink.

I thought about my relationship with Trish the entire time. I was distracted in all my classes on Monday and my buddy Owen, who was in most of them, noticed. We’d been friends in high school and had chosen the same college without intending to. We tried to room together, but things got screwed up and it didn’t work out. He was living off-campus now in an apartment that I couldn’t afford.

“Dude, you are not present today,” he said, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

“I know.”

“Something up with your girl?” The first time Owen met Trish, he’d just shaken his head at me. She wasn’t his biggest fan either, but they tolerated each other for my sake.

“Sort of. I just don’t know where her head is at,” I said as we walked across campus to our geology class.

“I’m pretty sure that’s normal,” he said with a snort.

“Yeah, probably,” I said. Owen didn’t know about the physical limitations Trish had put on our relationship. I hadn’t told anyone about that. It wasn’t anyone’s business but mine and Trish’s. I didn’t want anyone judging our relationship or making assumptions.

“You two are okay, though, right?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” I said and the lie clanged in my ears. Owen didn’t notice.

MY MOM LEFT
me a voicemail while I was in class. I listened to it and wanted to not call back, but I wasn’t that much of an asshole. They might have cut me off financially, but they were still my parents and I knew they loved me in their way.

“Hey, Mom,” I said as I unlocked the door to my dorm. Trish was meeting me for dinner in a little while, but I had a break and I was going to lie in bed and shut my eyes for a few minutes. I was crazy tired for some reason.

“Max, hello,” she said. Her voice was warm and I was hit with a pang of homesickness. Choosing my own path hadn’t been easy and I still struggled with it all the time.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” She’d been pretty vague and just asked that I call her.

“Oh, nothing.” Okayyyy.

“Then why did you ask me to call you back?” She sighed.

“I just miss you, Max.” I was an only child, so she was dealing with an empty nest.

“I miss you, too,” I said, glad no one was here to hear this conversation.

“You don’t think you’d want to come home?” she said in a hopeful tone. She and Dad had tried to get me to drop out and come home every day since I’d left. Hadn’t worked yet, obviously.

“I’m not coming home, Mom. I’m going to stay here and get my degree and then I’m going to get a job.”

“And what will your degree be in, Max? What have you left a sure thing for?” Like doing HVAC was a “sure thing.” I wasn’t going to argue with her about it.

“I don’t know yet, but I’m going to figure it out. I still have time. I’m doing my gen eds and then I’ll pick my major.” Trish hadn’t picked her major either and I was kind of glad. We were both figuring our shit out together. My parents didn’t know about Trish. They didn’t really need to. They would meet her eventually, but I wanted to put if off as long as possible. I wasn’t sure how they would react to Trish. Or how Trish would react to my very traditional parents.

“I just don’t understand, Maxwell. I don’t understand.” She sounded both sad and disappointed. I hated that I was the cause, but I couldn’t stop now. I couldn’t leave college just to make my parents happy. And would it really make them happy? They’d probably find something else to gripe at me about.

“I know you don’t, but you don’t need to. You just need to know that I need to do this and I’m not doing it to hurt you, or to make you miserable. I’m going to college, not shooting up crack.” I’d said these words tons of times before, but they never seemed to have an effect.

She sighed again.

“I just wish you would come home,” she said, and I could tell if we kept this conversation going, she was going to cry and I couldn’t deal with that right now.

“Listen, Mom, can I call you maybe tomorrow? I just have a lot of work to do and I’m going to dinner soon.” These weren’t technically lies.

“Okay,” she said, totally forlorn. It ripped me up inside, but I just couldn’t do it.

“I promise I’ll call you tomorrow. Promise. I love you.”

“Love you too,” she said and we hung up. I tossed my phone to end of my bed and closed my eyes. I really needed a nap.

THAT NIGHT WE
went over to Stryker and Katie’s for dinner. Usually the couples with the apartments took turns hosting all of us for huge dinners. I had no idea where they got the money for all the food, but there was never a shortage. Money had never been a huge concern of mine; not until I went out on my own. Now it was more than a concern. I had to constantly check my bank account, making sure I had enough to pay for everything. It stressed me out constantly and I wondered how other people got by.

Katie and Stryker had moved past the shock period and were starting to prepare for the baby. Katie was going to continue with school as long as she could and then take the second semester off, but take summer classes. Stryker was already looking for a well-paying job and he’d been putting in mega hours fixing cars so they could build up some cushion before the baby sucked all their money away. They seemed to have it together and they seemed… happy.

Katie was glowing and every now and then she’d put her hand on her stomach. They couldn’t find out what they were having for a while, but they were both gunning for a girl.

“If we have a girl, we won’t need to buy hardly anything. We’re already drowning in pink shit.” Katie admonished Stryker for cursing, but he said he’d stop when the baby was born. Yeah, right.

I watched Trish’s face as they talked about the new step in their lives. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She wasn’t wearing her contacts, so it was a shock to see her natural blue eyes. They were prettier than the contacts.

“He’s going to ask her to marry him,” she said as we went back to her dorm room. She’d wanted to do some laundry and sleep in her own bed tonight. So it was the floor for me. I was getting less and less okay with it and trying harder and harder to not let it bother me.