Torn (50 page)

I wiped the grease off my hands
with a rag and climbed out of the pit from under the prison bus. It had a
problem with the drive shaft and I was repairing it. The only good thing to
come out of this fucking nightmare was that I’d been accepted into their auto
repairs training course and had qualified as a mechanic. I’d tried to get them
to agree to me finishing my university degree by internet or mail, but the
university had refused. When I’d first been sent here, I’d known coming out of
prison at the age of thirty-one wasn’t exactly going to kickstart my baseball
career and propel me into the major leagues. But lying in that hospital bed,
covered in stitches, bruises, casts, and slings, the pain from my injuries was
nothing compared to being told my baseball aspirations were over altogether. I
gritted my teeth as I signed in my tools and made my way to the shower block. I
was still angry. No, angry was an understatement. I was fucking furious. And the
compulsory anger management therapy wasn’t helping either.

The memory of the fight, of
falling, was going to be etched in my brain forever. I was fortunate that the
stupid fuckers who were standing in the hall looking up and enjoying the show
hadn’t moved fast enough. I’d landed on one of them, which had slowed down my
fall, but had broken his neck. He was paralyzed from the chin down. I was damn
lucky all things considered, if nearly four months in the infirmary was
considered lucky. I’d had to pass on my gratitude to Razor through Denny. After
slitting Boner’s throat, he’d been moved to solitary. Now he was in a different
wing for high-risk inmates, which in itself was a crazy idea. Cram all of the
most violent prisoners into one wing? Maybe they were hoping that they’d all
finish each other off. I stripped out of my work coveralls and got into the
shower, soaping myself up, feeling the multiple scars on my right-hand side.
Word had gotten out that I’d taken on Boner and three of his henchmen, so
despite losing the fight, and losing Razor, no one was touching me, for now at
least. My new cellmate, Jason, was in for involuntary manslaughter, killing a
pedestrian while drunk driving. He was more scared of me when he entered the
cell than I was of him. I’d taken the top bunk and taken him under my wing, just
like Razor had for me. Paying it forward.

I took out some of my pent-up
rage on my cock, jerking off hard and fast, ignoring the looks from the guards
as they wandered in and out to check on us. Two guys were in the bathroom, one
giving the other head, and the sound of the gagging nearly halted my climax in its
tracks. I’d never be that desperate. I dried off and grabbed my usual orange
uniform from the lockers, then headed up to my bunk. I curled up on my side,
always sleeping so my head was at the far end of the cell, facing away from the
wall the bunk was attached to. If anyone tried to come in, I could see them,
and I could use my legs and feet to attack first. Since my accident, after that
long recuperation in the infirmary, I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep. I was
constantly on edge during the day, always vigilant, so my body was running
itself on permanent adrenaline. I was going to burn myself out at this rate. I
looked over at the opposite wall and homed in on the picture of me and Sky, taken
nearly three years ago when we were so in love. I felt a growl of anger rumble
up from deep inside me.

Her letters had stopped. Just
like that. Just when I’d needed them most, she’d stopped writing. The last
letter I’d gotten was the day I’d nearly died. I’d been in the ICU in Vegas for
a week as well. She’d had every opportunity to apply to see me and she hadn’t,
which had nearly finished me off. I didn’t discuss her with anyone, it was too
painful, but I had succumbed as I’d lain there hooked up to drips and monitors.
Her dad had told me that despite my withdrawal from her, she was still in love
with me. Josh had told me that they didn’t talk about me, that he’d had no idea
she was even writing in the first place. He couldn’t ask her why. The minute he
did, she’d know I was reading them, that she’d been right all along that I was
still in love with her. She was supposed to be moving on and I had no idea if
she was.

I shook off those painful
memories and the minute we were allowed to use the phones, I ignored common
sense and joined the lineup, shaking the tokens bought with my earnings from
the auto repair work in my hand. It was so hard to breathe, it felt like my
lungs had been punctured as I dialed her number, still ingrained in my brain. I
breathed a sigh of relief as I heard her voice. Her soft, seductive, and
beautiful voice.

“Hello? … Hello? … Is anyone
there?”

I inhaled sharply, desperate to
say something, needing to know why she’d stopped believing in us when I hadn’t,
but nothing was coming out.

“Nate? Is that you?” she asked
quietly.

Fuck! The hope in her voice was
everything I was supposed to not want. She was supposed to be cutting me off,
walking away, moving on. Living. Right now though, I was a selfish sonofabitch.
I wanted her to tell me she’d never get over me. That she was still as
infatuated with me as I was with her. I didn’t want to be in this on my own. I
was tired of being on my own.

“Nate, I know it’s you. Please
say something, anything. Ace,
please
… it’s been twenty-seven months, three
weeks, and two days since I last heard you speak. I could tell you the hours
and minutes, too …
Nate.”

She did it, she only went and did
it. She said my name that way, the way that reached into my chest and squeezed
my heart, filling it with happiness. That was what I needed, something to fill
my tank and keep me going a few more months without her letters. But I needed a
hell of a lot more to get me through to the day that I finally saw her again.
And why would she have stopped writing if she still felt that way about me?

“You don’t need to talk, just to
know that you’re there is good enough,” she finally said. “I feel connected to
you again. Like my letters and my hope weren’t for nothing. I love you, Nate
Hudson. I love you and I miss you. I’m here. Still.
Yours
.”

My finger stretched out and
pressed the button to terminate the call. My hands were clammy and trembling, and
my heart was racing so fast I was liable to be admitted to the ICU again. She
still loved me. I’d had to cut her off. If I told her that I loved her, she’d
want to know why I wasn’t communicating with her, and she’d spend another seven
or so years waiting for me, her life passing her by. I wanted her to be happy.

I wouldn’t call again.

I
couldn’t
call again.

I realized that it wasn’t just Sky
that needed to move on, it was me as well.

Sky

July - A Year Later

I left Nate’s bedroom. Even though I’d
lived here longer than he had, it was still his bedroom. I heard Mom gasp, her
hands flying to her face as tears welled in her eyes, and Pops muttered
something about dry, dusty desert conditions as he did the same.

“Guys,” I protested. “Seriously?”

“You just look … oh, Sky, you
look so beautiful and I’m just so proud of you,” Mom sighed, reaching into her
purse for a tissue.

“We’re so proud, Sky. You haven’t
had it easy and I know that you’ve missed Nate, as much as you’ve tried to hide
it,” he added, lifting up his hand to silence me. “But this is a new start for
you, a new life.”

“Do I look ok? I feel kind of
silly.” I did a slow twirl, rolling my eyes to see Mom tearing up again. “Jeez,
Mom. It’s only a cap and gown, what will you be like when I’m in a wedding
dress?”

“Oh Christ, don’t set her off
again,” Pops uttered, looking mortified.

“Wedding dress? Did we set a date
and I forgot?” Josh’s deep and husky voice rang out behind me. I spun around to
face him, then clapped my hands and put them to my lips.

“You look amazing, so handsome,”
I cooed, not lying either.

“Well, duh, that’s a given,” he
chuckled.

“You do,” called Mom, still
sniffing.

“And you …” Josh whistled through
his teeth and grasped both of my hands in his. “You look as radiant as a bride
on her wedding day.” He leaned in to whisper, “You do know we’re only
graduating, right?”

“Josh,” I laughed and pulled him
into a hug, trying not to knock off the silly cap that I’d taken so long trying
to put at a jaunty angle to flatter my new haircut. I’d grown tired of it down
my back in the summer heat, so I now had a shoulder-length bob with
asymmetrical bangs. I thought that it made me look younger and fresher, and
Josh had agreed. His opinion meant the world to me. “It’s not
only
graduating. Four years, four years of hard work and late nights, not to mention
all of the other stuff.”

“I guess,” he shrugged,
straightening himself up.

“Sky’s right. You both finished
with top grades, which stands each of you in excellent stead for the dream jobs
that you’ve applied for. Come here, son, I’m so proud of you.” Pops pulled him
into a bear hug and Josh returned it, a veil of moisture in both of their eyes.
“Your parents would have been so proud of you, Josh,” he added, his voice
saturated with emotion as he patted Josh’s back.

“I couldn’t have done it without
you guys,” he replied. “You got me through some of the rockiest times of my
life, and I can’t tell you what it means to me that you took me under your wing
and treated me like a son. Thank you, Diego.” Josh slapped his back a few
times, and when they finally released, he headed over to give Mom a tight hug
and peppered her cheek in kisses until she giggled.

“Oh, Josh, you’re a wonderful,
wonderful boy and I’m so happy we could help in some way.”

“You’ll never know how much you
helped, Yvette. I’m the one who’s proud, and so thankful, to have adoptive
parents like the two of you,” he stated, his voice trembling with emotion.

“Are you trying to make me cry?”
I blinked back the drops that had formed in my eyes and they laughed, Mom
releasing Josh and holding out her arms to me.

“Well done, sweetheart. And
you’re right, the day I see you in a wedding dress, I’ll crumble.” She kissed
my temple, then sighed. “He’s so good for you, and he loves you,” she
whispered.

“I know,” I replied, kissing her
cheek. “I know.”

I fidgeted with my fingers as we
sat waiting for our names to be called up on stage. Josh reached over and took
my hand, giving me a reassuring smile, and I saw Katie Davies sigh as she
looked over at us. She had it so bad for Josh, and I was sure I’d seen him cast
the odd lustful look her way, and not just at Katie. He was almost giving off
the same sort of potent sexual vibe that Nate had when I’d first met him. So
why wasn’t he doing anything about it other than furtive glances?

“You have a not-so-secret admirer,”
I whispered.

“Oh yeah?” He raised an eyebrow
that, if I hadn’t seen the way Nate did his, could be considered cocky.

“Katie.”

“Oh, right,” he replied, not even
looking in her direction.

“She’s super pretty,” I coaxed.

“Is she? Can’t say I’d noticed,”
he shrugged. I sighed and shook my head, feeling like I was beating a dead
horse. I knew he liked her, I knew he liked quite a few girls, but he always
denied it and seemed to make more of an effort not to let me notice him looking
at them. Like he was worried it would break us if he had someone in his life. I
swallowed an uneasy lump in my throat. We weren’t a couple, but then why did I
feel jealous at the thought of him actually hooking up with one of these girls
I kept trying to push him toward? It didn’t make sense to me at all. The next
batch of students from my course were called up, surnames E through H, so I
grinned at him and quickly straightened his tie before he stood up.

When he was called up on stage, I
started whooping and hollering, clapping so vigorously that I hurt my hands. I
giggled when I heard Mom and Pops somewhere in the audience doing the same. I
looked out over the rows of people facing the stage and spotted them on their
feet, Mom quickly taking several photos of Josh on her phone. They really
looked every inch the proud parents. I felt a sudden pang of guilt that Billy
wasn’t here. He would have graduated today too if I hadn’t gone around to his
house that day. Or maybe he would have even if I had, maybe I’d have been raped
and none the wiser. Or maybe he’d have tried again and Nate would still have
killed him and ended up in prison. Looking down, I reached inside my gown and
pulled out the necklace he’d bought for me, running the ends with the infinity
charm and heart through my fingers, letting out a heavy sigh.

Another year had passed. Another
year when I’d heard nothing. Another year of writing letters that contained
tiny pieces of my heart. He was destroying it. Bit by bit, he was accepting it
and giving me nothing in return. I hadn’t had any more phone calls. I’d begun
to wonder if it had been Nate at all, or if I’d been spilling my soul to a
random stranger before they hung up. The number had come up as a blocked ID, so
I had no proof it had come from the prison. I’d spent three and a bit years
fighting for us, and it seemed like I was the only one out there on the
battlefield. I wanted to keep fighting, but I was getting so tired and weary.
Each unanswered letter broke me a little bit more. I felt so lonely. I had Mom
and Pops, my friends at the diner, JT, Saunders, who checked in on me from time
to time, and of course Josh. But that wasn’t the same. It wasn’t someone to
hold you at night, to discuss your shared future and make plans. It wasn’t
someone to make love to you. Nate had released the inner harlot in me. I’d
loved sex, craved it. With him. Like any addict though, I was finding the
withdrawal hard.

“Ok, Q through T, follow me and
you’ll be placed in the order you’re about to be called up,” announced one of
the faculty staff with an earpiece, clipboard, and pen.

I got up and went to stand by the
steps leading up to the stage. This was it, one chapter of my life was about to
close, another was about to open. I’d applied for a position at LVPD as a Crime
Analyst 1. With my Bachelors of Public Administration degree and high grades, I
stood a good chance, and my interview last week had gone well. If I got it, I’d
be working in Vegas on an 80-hour bi-weekly basis, which would include
graveyard shifts, but it was the job I’d always dreamed of and the starting pay
was really good. I’d finally passed my driver’s test, with lessons and lots and
lots of practice and patience from Josh, so I’d need to get myself a car. I’d
been saving up for one as long as I could remember. Was it time I let go of the
past, said goodbye to Nate, and started with a clean slate?

“Sky Torres, you’re up,” announced
the woman ticking everyone off. I took a deep breath and stepped up onto the
stage, toward my future.

Pops opened a bottle of champagne
when we got back to the loft and poured us all a glass as Josh sifted through
the mail. I stared at him with a hopeful expression, but he shook his head,
making me sigh. Still no news.

“They’ll come knocking,” Pops
called, spotting my face. “They’d be stupid not to.”

“I’ll be back in a minute,” Josh
called. I watched him heading to his bedroom with an envelope held tightly in
his hand and caught my breath. Was that it, his letter about his application to
LVPD training academy? He caught my eye as he went to slide the door shut and winked
at me, making me blush. Jesus, he’d gotten so hot. He’d really buffed out for
his physical tests, but at the same time, he still had the bookish sexy-geek
thing going for him as well.

“Is there something you want to
tell us?” Mom gasped, as I took my champagne off Pops. I felt my cheeks color
up even more to have been caught ogling him. “That wasn’t a friendship look.
What was that?”

“I don’t know, Mom,” I groaned,
as I flopped onto the sofa next to her. “I love Nate, I’ll always love Nate,
but it’s been three and a half years of nothing. I can’t see him, I can’t call him,
no one talks to me about him, and I write to him every month and never get
anything back. It’s soul destroying.”

“You still write to him?” Pops asked
sharply.

“Don’t get on my case, I know you
disapprove, but yes. Every month I send him a letter, telling him about my
life, how much I love and miss him. There’s been no one for me since Nate, not
even a passing crush, let alone a kiss. But it’s like I’m breaking with each
one I mail. I guess I’m wondering if it’s best to accept ours was a story that
didn’t have a happy-ever-after and start writing a new one.”

“With Josh?” Mom prodded, hope in
her voice.

“I … I’m not sure,” I replied,
looking over my shoulder at his closed bedroom door. “I know he’s perfect for
me and I’ve always loved him, even though I’ve never been in love with him, but
… it’s like something inside me snapped today. Maybe I’m seeing him through new
eyes.”

“Oh, Sky.” Mom put down her
champagne and clasped her hands to her chest, while Pops sat there unusually quiet,
with a slight frown on his face.

“Calm down, Mom. I mean, it’s
Josh, it’s Nate’s brother, which is all kinds of wrong,” I groaned as I covered
my face. “It’s like I’m eighteen again, torn between them both.”

“Don’t make any rash decisions,
Sky,” Pops warned. It was one of his favorite phrases for me.

“Trust me, this isn’t a decision
I’d make rashly, or easily,” I replied, fixing him with a “Seriously?” look
right as I heard Josh’s door slide open. “Sssshhhh, not a word, I mean it,” I
warned with a pointed finger.

“Ermmm, guys, we might need
another bottle of champagne,” he called as he padded over to where we were
sitting. I shoved my champagne glass to the side and leapt to my feet, my
breath stalling. He looked at me and broke into a grin, holding up a letter.

“No way!” I shrieked.

“Way, I’m in,” he nodded, the
smile reaching his eyes, that sexy solitary dimple coming out to play. I heard
Mom and Pops shouting their congratulations as I bounded over the back of the
sofa, too impatient to walk around it, and threw myself at him, my arms around
his neck as he circled my waist and lifted me off the floor, spinning me around
and around as he laughed.

“Officer Hudson has such a great
ring to it,” I giggled.

“Cadet Hudson, let’s not get too
carried away,” he chuckled in return.

“I didn’t think I could ever be
more proud of you, Josh, but you just proved me wrong.”

“Your letter will come, I know it,”
he murmured, kissing the side of my head, his lips lingering a few seconds
longer than they used to, and I gasped as my body stirred deep inside. A
tingling need I hadn’t felt in forever. He slowly set me down and a heated look
passed between us for a fraction of a second before he turned to go and get his
congratulations from my parents. I didn’t swear often, but fuck!
What the
hell was that?
I’d never reacted to him that way before. “I’m really sorry
guys, I hate to leave you, but … I gotta share this news.”