Torn (46 page)

“Does he know what he’s done?
What was his intention? To rape me? How did he think he’d get away with it? Is
he even able to feel sorry for doing it? For putting me in here?” I fired off.

“We kind of need to talk,” Josh
stated, dropping his chin to avoid eye contact. “And there’s no easy way to
tell you this, Sky. You want the answers, understandably, but I can’t give them
to you, and neither can Billy.” He paused a beat, taking down a lungful of air.
“Sky, Billy’s dead, and the reason Nate’s not here right now is because he was
arrested after he confessed to murdering him.”

“What?!” I felt my eyes bug out
and my heart stop beating. Time suddenly froze as I tried to digest his words.
Had I seriously just heard him right? No, no I couldn’t have. He’d said Billy
was dead. I was furious with him, but dead? And Nate? Nate had been arrested?
No. No, no, no.

“No!” I cried, my hands flying up
to my mouth. The tears that suddenly burst from my eyes had nothing to do with
the IV I’d just ripped out of my arm, but from someone ripping my heart out of
my chest. Not Nate, not my Nate. What had he done?

Nate

I sat on the cold, hard metal
bunk, staring at the gray concrete floor. Everything was in shades of gray.
Fifty fucked-up shades of it. Silver-toned toilet and sink, steel metal bed,
pale gray flimsy mattress, dark charcoal itchy blanket, slate gray bars, light
gray walls. Even my mood was fucking gray, like storm clouds had rolled in. I
felt oppressed, like they were never going to move away and let me see the
light again. The only fucking color in my life right now was the bright orange
jumpsuit I was wearing.

I looked up as I heard the key turn
in the lock of the door down the hall. It was either the public defender who’d
been assigned my case again, or another tasteless meal. They could have been
delicious home-cooked meals for all I knew, but right now, everything tasted
like cardboard. Gray, bland cardboard.

“Hudson, you have a visitor,” the
guard stated as he appeared at the bars to my cell. He flicked his head as my
heart started hammering. Was it her? My heart sank slightly to see it was her
dad. Not that I wasn’t grateful he was here, but I needed to see her. Mr.
Torres sat on the bench opposite and shook his head slowly as he looked at me
with pity in his eyes.

“Is she ok? Please tell me she’s
ok?” I demanded.

“She’s fine, thanks to you. I
know Josh filled you in on her condition this morning, before he came to the
hospital, but she’s conscious and she’s going to be fine.”

“Does she know?” I swallowed
hard, wondering how she’d react.

“We thought it would be best
coming from Josh. I left him talking to her to come and see you, before I pick
up Liam from the airport. How are you doing, son?”

“Ok, I guess,” I shrugged,
blowing out a breath. “Better now that I know she’s ok.”

“Do you have anyone to represent
you?”

“Yeah, they assigned some public
defender.”

“Is he good? I’m not rolling in
money, but I could try and find you someone.”

“Mr. Torres, I …” I shook my
head, lost for words. “That’s really generous of you, sir, but … I won’t be
needing anyone else.”

“If we’re going to try and get
you off on the basis that you had no choice but to shoot him, a good defender
can make all the difference in a trial, Nate,” he urged, leaning forward to put
his elbows on his knees as he clasped his hands in front of him.

“There won’t be a trial, sir,” I
replied. “I’m pleading guilty.”

“Nate!” he shot back, his
eyebrows raised in surprise. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“There’s no point hoping that the
police will miss evidence. I confessed, I was arrested with gunpowder residue
on my hands, and my fingerprints were on the gun. I was overheard by a whole
crowd of people threatening to kill Billy the night before. I turned up at his
house with a loaded weapon and shot him three times, with no evidence that I
did it in self-defense. They can do all the tests they want, but if this goes
to trial and I plead innocent, it’ll be far worse for me when the jury is
presented with the prosecution’s case. I’ll get a much stiffer sentence if they
find me guilty of murder in the first or second degree after I plead innocent.”

“You don’t know that, Nate.”

“I do. Believe me, this isn’t
something I’ve decided without considering my options carefully. Better I own up
to it, save everyone time and money, and do whatever sentence is handed down to
me.”

“He was going to rape her! I’d
have shot him myself if I’d had the chance. There wouldn’t be a father,
brother, son, husband, or boyfriend out there that wouldn’t,” Mr. Torres stated
empathically.

“I guess, but Billy’s dead and to
all intents, it will look premeditated. There’s no case for a self-defense plea.
You can’t do something like that and not pay a price. I know you probably think
I’m crazy, that you can talk me out of this, but you can’t. My mind is made up.
I just have to hope that the judge takes into account the fact that I pled
guilty and that Billy was a danger to Sky. Hopefully the sentence won’t be too
long.”

“Jesus Christ, son.” He sat up
and covered his face with his hands as he shook his head. “You likely saved my
daughter’s life, Nate. I’ll never be able to repay you for that,
never
,”
he whispered, choking up with emotion.

“And I’d pay the price a thousand
times over, because no matter what you believe, no matter what you’ve heard
about my past, I love her.” I held his gaze as he dropped his hands, letting
him see that I was serious.

“I know you do, son, which is why
it makes the request I need to make now a thousand times harder,” he stated
with a grimace. I swallowed hard and nodded.

“You don’t need to ask. I already
know what I’ve got to do,” I replied, feeling my heart breaking at the thought
of it.

“She’s not going to take it well.”

“Then I need to be convincing. I
could be gone for a couple of years, worst case a hell of a lot more. I love
her too much to know that she’s gonna be sitting there waiting for me, putting
her life on hold or planning it around weekly prison visits. I’m giving up my
life, she shouldn’t have to give up hers.”

“I’m so sorry to ask this of you,
Nate, but I know my daughter. She’s as stubborn as her damn mother and I … I
just can’t bear to think of her hurting every time she comes back from visiting
you, staying loyal. No parent wants their child to suffer any more than humanly
possible.”

“You don’t need to apologize. If
I had a kid, I’d do the same. You become responsible for another life, it
becomes more important than your own, and you’d do anything for them. Anything
to spare them pain. I get that and I’ll do it, I’ll break her heart and push
her away, but it’s on one condition.” I reached up and quickly wiped my eyes,
catching a solitary tear that was sliding down my cheek. Fucking pussy. I
wasn’t about to let her dad see me cry.

“Name it, I can never repay the
debt I owe you, son. Whatever you need, just tell me.”

“You look out for Josh for me.
He’s gonna take it hard. First his dad, then his uncle, Ma, and Billy, and now
I’m leaving him. Unless you count that useless damn aunt of mine, I was all the
family he had left. I was as good as his dad and now he’s got no one, I can’t …
I can’t …” I took a quivering breath in and looked up at the ceiling.

“My wife and I will treat him
like our own, you’ve got no worries there, and he’s not alone. He’s got Sky.
They’ll get through this together.”

“Thank you,” I whispered,
returning my gaze to the floor.

“Tell me what else you need? Can
I help you organize your finances? Some clothes for court?”

“I could do with my black suit,”
I nodded. “Also some bank papers, so I can arrange to transfer my share of the
rent and bills straight to Josh. I don’t want to see him out of a home. I’ll
speak to JT, I know he’ll come visit when he hears.”

“I’ll call him as soon as I
leave. Anyone else I should let know?”

“No,” I sniffed, wiping my nose
on my sleeve.

“I’ll speak to your public
attorney and make sure he lets me know your court dates. I don’t care when they
are, I’ll be there, and wherever you get sentenced to serve your time, I want
to be added to your visitors’ list. I’ll come to see you as often as I can. It
might be difficult if you’re out of state, especially if I need to keep it from
Sky, but I give you my word I’ll stick with you through this.”

“There’s no need. Why should your
life be disrupted because of me?” I asked, shocked at his reaction, shaking my
head as I looked over at him.

“You took responsibility for my
daughter, son, so I’m going to take responsibility for you. I know we didn’t
get off on the right footing, but you have no idea how much respect and
admiration I have for you. No one can ever replace your dad, I know that, but
I’ll give it a damn good try, because you need someone in your corner right now,”
he stated firmly.

“Are you determined to break me
and make me cry, because you’re doing a damn fine job it,” I uttered, as I
dragged my sleeve over my damp face, suddenly unable to hold back.

“You can be whoever you want in
front of me. The cocky young guy with swagger who asked my daughter out, who
kept me awake at night once I’d heard of his reputation. The caring and hardworking
man who looked after his family, who made my daughter happier than I’ve ever
seen her. Or the scared and frightened young kid sitting in front of me right
now. And it’s ok to be scared, hell knows I would be in your shoes. You just
need to know, whoever you need to be in front of me, I won’t judge you. I’ll be
whatever
you
need, son.”

That damn near killed me. Because
I knew I was going to need someone to lean on. My brother couldn’t be that
person. I wasn’t going to have Sky in my life. I had no idea if my friends were
even going to be friends once I was serving time, and I
was
scared. I
was fucking terrified of being sent to prison and fending for myself. I knew
what happened in there, I’d read the horror stories, and I knew I’d never come
out the same.

Responsibility sucked.

Sky

Mid-April

I sat on the hard wooden bench, Mom
holding my hand on one side and Josh on the other, my leg rapping up and down
with nervous energy. Pops had his arm around Mom, and all four of us were
silent, just waiting. It was hurting to breathe as I watched the second hand
sweeping around the clock. I hadn’t seen Nate since
that
morning, when
everything had gone to hell. He hadn’t been granted bail, and he’d refused
access for me to visit him in jail, which had devastated me. Mom had assured me
that it was probably because he didn’t want me to see him like that, but I
didn’t care. Nothing would make me see him any differently. He was the man I
loved. The man who’d killed for me.

We’d had Billy’s funeral last
week. Part of me didn’t want to go, but Josh did. Billy was still his cousin at
the end of the day, with nearly nineteen years of history between them. I
couldn’t begrudge him for wanting to mourn that over a few moments of stupidity
on Billy’s part. Billy’s mother had ignored us, walking away when we went to
offer our condolences after, and she’d put her house on the market the next
day. I was under no illusions that the minute she was gone, Josh would never
hear from her again. He’d been inconsolable when we’d been left alone standing
by Billy’s coffin in the cemetery. He was so withdrawn and quiet lately that
Pops insisted he move in with us for a while, so we could all keep an eye on
him. He’d even snuck into my room the first night and lay sobbing in my arms,
me cradling him until he’d fallen asleep. I squeezed his hand now as we sat
waiting, and he squeezed it back.

I gasped as a door opened and
Nate appeared, shackled by the hands and feet, wearing the black suit reserved
for his public appearances for baseball. The fact that some of his team were
here, his coach and his four closest friends, was a comfort to me, and I hoped
it would be to him too. I was also thankful to see JT, the other mechanics, and
everyone from Joelle’s. Rosie and I had become really close since Nate had been
arrested, and with Josh being so depressed at the moment, it was good to have
someone else to talk to. But looking at Nate right now, I wasn’t sure anything
could comfort him, not even me. He looked exhausted, with dark rings under his
eyes, and he’d lost weight.

“Nate?” I called, letting go of
Mom and Josh’s hands and leaning forward on the thick wooden rail that
separated us from where the guards were leading him to the chair and tables in front.
I saw him look at Pops, then his eyes slid across to Josh before dropping to
look at his shuffling feet, the chains rattling as he walked. “Nate!” I
pleaded. Why wouldn’t he look at me?

The arraignment commenced, most
of it going in one ear and out of the other, as I just stared at the back of
his short brown hair, obviously recently cut by someone, and willed him to turn
around and look at me. I wanted him to see me smile, to see in my eyes that I
wasn’t going anywhere, that no matter what happened, I’d be there for him. More
than that, I needed to see his beautiful green eyes again, to know they were
looking at my lips when I told him thank you. Except thank you wasn’t enough to
say to someone who’d put their life on hold to protect you. What words could I
possibly say to convey how amazing he was?

“Are you pleading guilty because
you in fact shot the victim, without legal provocation?”

I whipped my eyes up to the
judge. Pleading guilty? Did he just say pleading guilty?

“Yes, your honor, I am,” replied
Nate clearly.

“What? What’s happening?” I
uttered, looking from Mom and Pops to Josh as the judge carried on talking.
Nate was pleading guilty? What happened to a trial, to me testifying that he’d
saved my life, or at least saved me from being raped? I’d thought that was what
we were here for. Josh just shook his head sadly as he looked at me, and I
gasped as I read the look on his face. He knew. He knew this was happening and
he hadn’t told me. I looked over at my parents and could read the guilt on their
faces as well.

“There have been too many cases
like this before me in recent years. It’s time we stopped showing leniency and
made the consequences severe enough to make people think twice,” the judge
stated with a serious look on his face.

“What does he mean? How severe?”
I demanded, looking to Pops for an answer, but he just shook his head, looking
equally concerned, as I turned my head back to focus on the judge’s words.

“… for murder in the second
degree, to ten years’ imprisonment.”

A collective gasp came up from
everyone around me as Nate dropped his chin to his chest and shook his head,
looking completely defeated.

“What?!” I cried as I leapt to my
feet, my heart rate completely out of control. “No, no, this is a mistake!” I
yelled. Shock, horror, and confusion battled for supremacy in my mixed-up
emotional state. “He was protecting me, you can’t do this to him. No. Let go of
me!” I ranted as Pops grabbed me by the waist, hauled me up, and started
marching to the door as I shouted and kicked, trying to find Nate over his
shoulder. “Nate.
Nate!
”
I screamed.

Nate

“It’s not
right
, Nate,”
Josh moaned, as I hung on to the bars and faced him. I’d been given one more
night in jail, for visitors to come and say goodbye, before I was transported
in the morning to the new McCullough Mountain State Prison outside of Henderson.
I was already back in my orange jumpsuit, and during my time spent in here, my
tongue piercing hole had nearly closed. All of my piercings had been removed as
soon as I was admitted last month. I’d rather go through a million repetitions
of the painful removal of the piercing in my cock than to relive Sky’s screams
as her dad carried her out of court. It had killed me not to look at her. But I
knew if I did, I’d have lost control.

“It is what it is,” I sighed,
resigned to my fate.

“Ten years?” His face crumpled
and he shook his head violently.

“With good behavior, I could be
out earlier.” I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him that was a bonus,
or me. It was still a huge portion of my life, and his. “And at least I’m
local. You can come and visit in that old beater you bought, that I wish I’d
have finished fixing up. JT will sort it for you. Keep an eye on oil levels,
tire pressure, and transmission fluids, as–”

“For Christ’s sake, Nate. I don’t
wanna talk about damn cars right now!” he snapped.

“I’m still your big brother,
Josh, and right now I’ve got a few things to say and you’re gonna listen, you
hear me? So park your ass on that bench and zip it.”

He flopped down with a sigh and
listened as I rattled off a list of dos, and more importantly, don’ts, and told
him that he was to listen to Mr. Torres or JT when he couldn’t speak to me for
advice, that they’d steer him right. I’d practiced well and didn’t cry as he broke
down when it was time for him to leave. I wasn’t going to last in prison five
minutes if I was seen as an easy target. One of Dad’s friends, Denny, was a
guard over there, so I’d have someone to watch my back. He’d already been to
see me, to give me some insider tips and knowledge. I wasn’t sure if it had
helped or just terrified me more.

“I can’t do it, Nate, I can’t
leave you here.”

“You can and you will. You made
me a promise, Josh, you’ll just make this worse for everyone if you don’t do as
I ask.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered,
wiping his arm across his face as he slowly walked back toward the guard at the
exit door, who was supervising our interaction.

“Josh,” I called as he stood with
his hand on the door handle. He turned and looked at me, like he’d lost all the
fight in him. “She’s gonna be upset when she comes out. I’m trusting you to not
tell her, ok? You don’t even talk to her about your visits to see me, it’s best
to cut her off from me altogether. You’re gonna have to be cruel to be kind,
but I need you to watch out for her.”

“You never need to tell me to do
that, Nate. It’s a given.”

“And Josh?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, his shoulders
slumped.

“To quote one of your favorite TV
shows, ‘Be brave. Live. For me.’”

“That’s
Buffy
, it was one
of
your
favorite shows,” he replied with a roll of his eyes, a small
smile finally appearing on his face.

“Whatever, the sentiment still
stands. You don’t hold back, ok?”

“You sure you wanna do this?” he
asked.

“Send her in,” I nodded. “It’ll
be quick.”

He shook his head and disappeared,
and I paced back and forth, swinging my arms as I breathed deeply. Like ripping
off a Band-Aid, sharp and fast, that was the best way. For both of us.

“N … Nate?” Her fractured voice
behind me was like an arrow to my heart, and I faced the silver toilet and
prepared myself. I’d promised her dad, I’d promised myself. I loved her and
when you loved someone, if you couldn’t give them what they needed, you had to
let them go.

“What the hell do you want, Sky?”
I snarled as I spun around to face her. “Haven’t you gotten the hint that I
don’t want to fucking see you?”

“Why are you being like this, I
don’t understand?” She had her fingers clasped in front of her, tangling them
tightly. She stood there in her sneakers, jeans, and sweater, her silky long
hair down, flowing over her shoulders, with days’ worth of tear stains on her
cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. And she’d lost weight. At that moment, I’d never
seen her look more beautiful though, because for nearly a month, I hadn’t seen
her face at all.

“‘I don’t understand,’” I
mimicked with a forced sneer. “You really don’t get it, do you? You’re
nothing
to me, just another notch on the bedpost, darling. In fact, you wanna know why
I asked you out in the beginning? It was a dare. Find a sweet and innocent
virgin and make her fall in love with me, then show her what men are really
like. Well, take a look, Sky. This is the kind of man you let fuck and deceive
you!” I threw my arms wide, my heart thudding in my chest to see her stunned
reaction. Come on, baby, cry, start crying and run out, because I don’t know
how much longer I can fake this. Fuck no! She’d just straightened her posture
and tipped her chin up, in that defiant pose I knew so well when she was about
to stand her ground.

“I don’t know why you’re being so
hateful, Nate, but I don’t believe a word you’re saying,” she shot back as she
shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “You love me, I know you do.
You wouldn’t get a name tattooed for a bet, you wouldn’t do all the wonderful
things you’ve done for me for a bet.”

“Think again, you were a tough
nut to crack. The other girls spread their legs a hell of a lot quicker, I had
to pull out all of the stops with you, and you weren’t even fucking worth it! I
had to screw other women behind your back to get any sort of fulfillment”

“Stop, stop it. I don’t believe
you! If that was all I was to you, then why kill Billy?”

“He had it coming, that kid was a
pain in my ass. I’m a jerk with women, everyone but you knows it. I use them to
get what I want, but I’m not a sick fuck who rapes women, like he would have
done. Don’t think I did it for any other reason than putting him down because
he had it coming. We’re done, now get the hell out.”