Torn (55 page)

“You need to try and stay calm, so
just focus on me until help arrives.”

“Josh!” I shouted, needing to
hear my best friend’s voice right now. Screw this. There was no way I wasn’t
going to see if he was ok. If he was hurt, he needed me. I gritted my teeth,
reached up, and yanked her hand off my face, then snapped my head around to
face him and gasped in horror.

“I told you not to move!” Julia
cried behind me, but I didn’t care. I blocked her out. I’d told her I couldn’t
feel, but I could feel alright. I could feel so much right now that I wanted to
die. Maybe I felt no physical pain from the accident, but in this moment, it
would be preferable to the emotional pain of the sight in front of me.

“Josh,” I whimpered as I started
to sob for real, my chest jerking as I tried to catch a breath in between. His
side of the car had virtually caved in, crushed by the back of the truck that
we’d careered into.
How, how had we not gone face first
? I had a vague
recollection of us spinning as we approached it. I looked down and shook my
head. He’d applied the parking brake before taking my hand. The stupid,
stupid
fool had pulled the parking brake, making sure we turned sideways into the
truck to take the force of the impact himself, rather than us both take it head
on. I started howling, feeling helpless and terrified. He was slumped on his
side, his head virtually on my shoulder, blood covering the tangled metal
behind him and … I didn’t even want to look at how far the bloodied steering
wheel had crushed into his abdomen.

I suddenly stilled as I felt his
fingers lightly twitch in mine, then heard a horrible rasping rattle, followed
by gurgling coming from his chest.

“Josh?” I called, elated to get
some signs of life from him.

“
Sky
.” His voice was
barely a whisper over the awful noise coming from him as he struggled to breathe.
I could hear Julia and someone else talking in the background, not helping me
understand him as he spoke again, so I screamed at them without turning around.

“Shut up! SHUT UP! He’s trying to
talk to me and I can’t hear him. Please shut up.” I reached across my body with
my right arm and gently lifted his head. I leaned to my side and carefully let
his head drop onto my shoulder, then bent my head down to rest on top of his.
The movement made my head spin even more, but I wasn’t being naïve about not
considering the risk of moving him. I’d seen enough to know that anything I did
wasn’t going to make him worse. I was amazed he was still alive. But he was a
fighter, just like his brother. “Talk to me, I’m right here,” I whispered,
summoning all the strength I had left in me as I spoke in as soothing and calm
a voice as I could.

“Don’t … leave me,” he choked,
the sound of blood bubbling in his throat making me want to scream again. But
he needed me. I had to be strong for him, just like he’d been for me when he
pulled that parking brake.

“I’m not going anywhere. I
promised you. You’re stuck with me for life, Josh Hudson. I love you.”

“But you’re not … in love with me,”
he rasped. I closed my eyes. What had he told me before? That no relationship
could be founded on the truth twenty-four seven, that sometimes a white lie was
the best option. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping I’d be
forgiven for this.

“Of course I’m in love with you.
I’d been thinking about our future last night. How we’re going to get married
on a sandy beach somewhere tropical, and we’ll have two of the most beautiful
babies to ever live. One boy and one girl. We’ll have magical Christmases
around a fake roaring fire, because Nevada is still way too hot.” I smiled as I
heard him try to chuckle, but cough and rasp instead. “So you’re going to hang
in there, do you hear me? You’re going to be strong and hold on, because I’ll
be so pissed with you if you take that dream away from me.”

“Thank you,” he uttered. “But
it’s him … I could see it in your eyes … it was always him and I … I
deserve
to die.” His words and the tone in his voice made my eyes snap open.

“Josh, I won’t listen to you talk
like that!” I admonished, gripping his hand even tighter. Oh my God, what had
happened to the front of the car? It had been crushed on Josh’s side, the hood
and engine shunted over to mine, the dashboard cracked and twisted almost
against my stomach. No wonder I couldn’t feel my legs, if I even had any left
down there. I was obviously bleeding badly, as the nausea and dizziness were
getting worse and I was finding it hard to breathe. I fought down the rising
panic as Josh inhaled sharply, his hand tensing in mine. How could I feel no
pain, when it was obvious he was in agony? It wasn’t fair!

“Listen to … me … Billy … broke
your trust … Nate … broke … your heart … but–” He coughed again, and I saw a
mist of blood spray out from his mouth, making my chest rattle as I caught a
sob in my throat. “I … I
killed
for you.”

“You’re talking nonsense. Just
close your eyes and try and breathe gently, you need to conserve your strength.
Please
, Josh.”

“Nate the … protector, always …
selfless. H … he took … the blame,” he gurgled.

“Josh, don’t do this, don’t lie
to try and make me feel better,” I pleaded, even though I’d just done the same.
Why would he tell me that he’d killed Billy? It didn’t make sense. My ears caught
the sounds of sirens in the distance and helicopter blades circling overhead,
and I shook off the overwhelming depression I was feeling to tune into the hope
that the paramedics were close by. Even knowing the state he was in, I had a
sudden irrational belief that he could be saved. I couldn’t lose him, I just
couldn’t. “Help’s coming, just hold on.”

“There’s proof, Sky. Tell him I’m
… sorry for … betraying … him. I should never–”

“No!” I screamed as he spewed what
looked like a bucket load of blood, and his hand started to feel cold and heavy
in mine.

“I shouldn’t have …” he barely
whispered. “You were … his … always his.”

“Josh, stay with me, please stay
with me. I can’t do this without you,” I sobbed, no longer able to hold in my
tears. I had no idea if he was telling the truth, or telling
me
a white
lie to make me feel better, but right now I didn’t care. I was losing him and I
wasn’t ready. I’d never be ready.

“Promise to … visit me … with Nate.”

“I promise, I promise, but it’s pointless
because you’re not going anywhere. You’re staying here with me because I love
you, Josh. You’re my best friend and I love you and we have the rest of our
lives together.” I could barely see, so much water was pouring down my face and
burning my eyes, and I felt like I’d gone blind.

“I’m … scared, Sky.” His voice
was so weak and full of fear, and I was powerless to do anything. I wanted to
scream, I wanted to rip the sky to shreds with the anger and pain inside me.

“Don’t be, Josh, I’m here with
you and I love you so much.” I heard that awful sound again, a gurgling wheeze,
and held my breath waiting for him to reply, shaking my head as his hand went
limp in mine. “Josh? Talk to me, say something. Let me know you’re ok.”

I felt someone squeezing my right
shoulder, moments before Josh’s head lolled forward off my left, then he slid
heavily down my front, his head coming to rest on the mangled dashboard pressed
against my stomach.

“Josh?” I whispered, my bottom
jaw chattering.

“I’m so sorry, Sky, but he’s gone,”
Julia’s voice said softly, right as I heard the sound of pounding feet and a
man barking orders authoritatively.

“No! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no
.
He can’t be gone, they’re here! They’re here to help him. Josh, you hear me? They’re
here to help you, you only have to hold on a little bit longer. Wake up, wake
up!” I cried, reaching to stroke his soft brown hair, “Josh,
please
wake
up, please wake up. Now I’m scared and I need you. You can’t leave me here
alone. I
need
you. Josh! JOSH!”

I threw my head back and started
screaming.

I screamed until my breath ran out.
Until I passed out when the pain of losing him, and of my body suddenly letting
me feel my injuries, slammed into me as hard as we’d hit that truck.

Nate

September - One Month Later

Wearing my black suit, the one I’d last
worn in court the day I was sentenced, I slowly climbed into the prison
transport bus, my hands and feet shackled, accompanied by two guards. They sat
me in the middle of the bus, then locked me behind the interior metal framework
and took their seats as the driver turned on the engine.

I hadn’t been conscious the last
time I’d left prison, I’d been nearly dead. Right now, I might as well have
been, as I wasn’t sure anything was going to ease the pain of knowing what I’d
lost, or that my sacrifice had been for nothing. I’d promised my dad that I’d
look out for my little brother, that I’d always protect him. The day I’d run up
the steps into Billy’s house to rescue Sky and heard the gunshot ring out, I’d
had no idea it was actually Josh I’d need to protect. I closed my eyes as the
bus rumbled over to the prison checkpoint, letting my memory take me back.

“
Josh, what the hell have you
done?” I cried as I ran through the door. He was standing with his arms
outstretched, Dad’s gun, my gun that had been in my drawer this morning,
shaking in his hands. My eyes scanned the room, trying to take it all in, my
heart thudding in my chest to see Sky lying on the floor. Her uniform was
bunched up around her waist, unbuttoned at the chest with her bra exposed. I
was about to run to her, to make sure she was ok, when Josh spoke, his voice
trembling.

“I … I think I just … killed Billy.”

My eyes snapped back to his,
then followed them to where they were staring to see Billy lying on his back,
blood pouring from a wound in his chest, spilling onto the dark wood floor.

“Fuck!” I uttered, my hands
flying up to grasp my hair. I had no idea what to do first. Check if he was
still alive, check Sky, or go to Josh, who I could hear had just started
crying. I swallowed hard and ran to Billy, making sure not to tread in his
blood as I felt for a pulse in his neck. His eyes were glassy, staring up at the
ceiling. Nothing. There was nothing. He was gone. Fuck, fuck, fuck! This was my
fault, all of this was my fault. I’d been so ashamed of my family’s history
that I hadn’t wanted to freak Sky out by telling her. Billy was fine when he
was on his meds, but he obviously hadn’t been taking them. I should have known
that from his behavior last night at the party. He should have been my first
priority when I woke up this morning, but instead I’d been too wrapped up in
Sky. Josh’s voice interrupted my thoughts and I lifted my gaze to his petrified
one. He was still holding the damn gun, shaking.

“I didn’t have a choice, Nate,
I didn’t. He was on top of her. He always used to beat me if we were rough-housing.
I didn’t have a choice.”

“I know you didn’t, Josh,” I
sighed, as I stood up breathing hard and fast. He was a kid, a young, terrified
kid. It didn’t matter how we spun this, he was going to serve time and he’d
never survive in there. He didn’t have the confidence, the muscles, or the
swagger. He’d be targeted, picked on, and probably raped. He was my baby
brother and I’d promised to protect him. I needed to protect him. But if I did
… my eyes slid over to Sky. I could see her chest moving, she was breathing.
She was alive. My heart soared, then plummeted again. What was I supposed to
do? If I did what I needed to do and took the blame for this, I’d lose her, for
God knows how long, or possibly forever. But if I chose her over my brother? I
looked back at him, pale and terrified, giving me that “Help me, Nate,”
expression I knew so well. I was torn between the two people I loved most in
the world, but I didn’t have a choice. Well I did, but it fucking sucked.

I walked over to him and
gently took the gun out of his hands, then wiped it clean on my t-shirt, making
sure there’d be no trace of his fingerprints. It was already loaded when he
took it, he knew it would be as I’d shown him where it was in case we were ever
broken into, so there was no risk of his fingerprints on the bullets or inner
casing. I turned and fired it into Billy’s chest twice, and stood staring at
him on the floor as more blood seeped from him, while Dad’s voice, reminding me
how a gun should only ever be used in self-defense, rang in my ears.

 “Nate? Jesus Christ,” Josh exclaimed
behind me. “Is he really dead?”

I snapped back to reality as the
sound of the alarms signaling that the external prison gates were opening broke
me out of my memories.

It was ironic that I’d taken the
blame for Billy’s death to protect my brother, and despite that, I’d somehow
still failed in my duties.

I swallowed hard as I remembered
our argument on the phone that day. I’d called him after I’d checked on Sky and
called 911. He’d had to stop his ride home to take my call, and thank God he
had or I’d never have been able to prepare him. I’d instructed him to take an
immediate shower, scrubbing his hands and forearms fiercely, as well as under
his nails, to remove all traces of gunshot residue. Then I’d told him to leave
the loft immediately with a bottle of bleach and a cloth, and take the clothes
he’d been wearing in a plastic bag. He was to bike up to a spot we used to hike
around, off the beaten trail, and burn that bag. I’d then instructed him to use
the bleach to wipe down the handle bars of his bike, in case there was any
blood or gunshot residue on there, burn the cloth and bottle too, then head
home to shower and repeat a scrub down. If anyone asked, he was to say that
he’d biked over to Billy’s to drop off a game and had found Sky there, then
he’d left them and headed home to change and go on a bike trail, returning
sweaty, so he’d taken a shower and had been at home ever since.

He’d argued with me, telling me
he couldn’t let me take the blame, but I’d reminded him of his promise to do
whatever I told him, and scared him half to death by telling him what would
happen to him on the inside. I made him promise to never tell anyone, and to
not discuss it with me again under any circumstances. That first night I’d sat
in jail, I’d soon realized that I also couldn’t let the case go to trial. A
thorough investigation might lead to them finding evidence that discounted my
version of events. They had my confession, and I’d fired the gun and I had the proof
of that on my hands and clothes. Pleading guilty made it a slam-dunk case and
let my brother off the hook. It also broke my heart to have to walk away from Sky.

I reached up and pinched the
bridge of my nose. I’d lost count of the times I’d wanted to tell her what had
really happened, that I was protecting my brother, but if that news had ever
gotten out, if someone had overheard a telephone conversation or read a letter,
which they closely monitored, I’d have been sentencing Josh. As it was, I’d
been warned that even if the charges against me weren’t upheld, I could be
facing more for perjury and allowing my brother to go free. He’d ignored my
instructions. My lawyer had told me that he’d bagged up his blood-splattered
clothes, trimmed his nails that were covered in gunshot residue, and had
written a detailed account of what had actually happened that day, including
drawing a diagram. He’d secured all of the evidence in a bag and had paid for a
safety deposit box at the bank, leaving instructions for the bag to be
delivered to the police if anything ever happened to him. Because of that, I
might actually be released.

I felt guilty that so many times
I’d wanted to confess, that I’d wanted to point the finger at him, especially
in those early days when I’d been terrified, and when I’d nearly died. Right
then, lying in that hospital infirmary, I’d have done nearly anything not to
have been returned to the wing, to the horror of constantly being on alert in
case someone came at me, of barely sleeping, of reliving the moment I’d been
stabbed and was falling. But each time Josh visited and I saw how well he was
doing, how much more confident he was becoming, I couldn’t do it. I was risking
both of us being stuck in here, and Sky out there all alone, if I did confess.
I’d made the only choice I could. Protect my brother. And now I was heading to
his funeral anyway and couldn’t even be at the bedside of the woman I loved, as
she was still confined to the hospital. Life fucking sucked!

Flanked by guards on either side,
I stood by his grave, where his brown wooden coffin was still raised above the
open hole in the ground. I was touched to see how many in the community had
come for the service. Everyone had loved Josh. But it was agony to have so many
people who were so dear to me so close and be unable to touch them, to accept
physical comfort from them at the time I needed it the most. Right now I just
wanted to be curled up in Sky’s arms as I sobbed. I was so tired of fighting,
of being the one that looked after everyone else and constantly failing. I just
wanted someone to put their arms around me and tell me that this wasn’t my
fault. I
needed
comfort.

I was staring at a coffin that
contained the body of my younger brother. The last of my family, since my damn waste
of an aunt had disappeared from my life long before her son had died. I’d asked
not to be told the details of Josh’s death. All I knew was that he was in a car
accident. I didn’t want to hear what injuries he’d suffered, or how much agony
he might have endured. I just hoped that it had been swift and pain-free. I had
to believe it was, as I was so close to breaking right now. My heart continued
to shatter as I stood there looking at where he was lying, and the thought of
him suffering would finish me off.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect
you, Josh,” I whispered, letting tears run down my face, not caring what the
guards thought of me right now. I wasn’t a twenty-four-year-old man, I was a
little kid missing his baby brother. I stretched out my fingers, letting them
graze the coffin. It was the closest I’d get to him before he was buried. “I
tried, I
really
tried. I love you, bro. Always.”

I sniffed, unable to wipe my damp
face thanks to the lack of freedom in my chains when I was standing. I looked
up when I was told it was time to leave and saw that everyone was walking away,
except for Mr. and Mrs. Torres. They stood opposite, Josh’s coffin between us.
She was sobbing against Diego’s chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her as
he held my gaze, sadness in his eyes.

“I’m going to get you out, son,
do you hear me?” he stated firmly. “I don’t care what it takes. She needs you
right now, as much as you need her.”

“Is she … how is she?” I called
over my shoulder, as the guards took my arms and started leading me back to the
bus. I’d asked for details of her injuries, which were horrific, and for
progress reports each time he visited.

“Shattered and broken, like you.
And while it might not seem like it now, together you’re going to heal.” He
gave me a nod, a nod that was as good as if he was putting his arms around me
right now. I choked back a sob and gave him a chin lift.

“Thank you. Tell her,” I yelled
as we moved further away, “tell her again that I still love her.”

“I’ll visit you tomorrow,” he
yelled back.

I allowed myself to sob on the
way back to the prison, the guards deliberately looking the other way to give
me some privacy as I sat hunched up on the seat, my head down on my clenched
hands in my lap. I was scared now, even more scared than when I’d been
transported to prison the first time. Back then, even with my sentence, I’d had
the knowledge of a life to come back to, my brother, maybe Sky, possibly even
my baseball or a job in sports therapy to keep me going. What did I have now?
My sports career, both on and off the field, was gone, and my brother was dead.
Even if I did get out, who was going to employ an ex-con as a mechanic? And now
the woman I loved wasn’t answering my calls or responding to the letters I’d
sent her since the accident. She was suffering and I was powerless to help. Sky’s
dad told me that she still loved me, which was great and all, but until I heard
it from her lips, how could I be sure he wasn’t mistaken? If she didn’t love me
and wanted nothing to do with me when I got out, would I lose the love and
support of her parents as well? I was truly alone.

“Hudson.” Denny’s voice dragged
me from the continuing pity party up on my bunk.

“Yeah?” I replied dejectedly. I
was opening myself up to getting picked on again if I didn’t put my armor back on
soon.