Trade Off (11 page)

“What’re you thinkin’ about?” he asked, running a finger down her cheek. “You seem a million miles away.”

“Just remembering what it was like to be that young.” She tried to smile, but her lips trembled with the attempt. “And in love… to believe that you’re gonna be together forever.”

“Do you love him?” he asked quietly. He looked at the ground, as though he couldn’t stand to see her love for another man in eyes that had once shone with love for him.

“Yes.” She did love Neil, as a friend, a companion, a life partner who’d served as her sounding board and champion dozens of times over the years. She couldn’t tell Aiden that she never fooled herself into believing she was
in
love with Neil. That was another secret she intended to take to the grave with her.

“Does he make you happy?”

“I learned a long time ago you have to be able to make yourself happy, Aiden. That’s what I’ve tried to do.” She shrugged. “Some days are better than others, but isn’t that the way it is for everyone?”

“I wouldn’t know.” He sighed as he released his hold on her and leaned back in the creaky rocking chair someone had undoubtedly built with a front porch just like this one in mind. “I’ve had a hell of a lot more bad days than good since I found out you’d married him.”

“Please don’t say that. I’d hate to think you’ve been unhappy.”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Sela.” He looked her in the eye. “We promised we’d always tell each other the truth, right? No matter how much it hurt.”

Her stomach lurched at the words he’d preached to her dozens of times over the course of their relationship. He said he could tolerate almost anything, but lying and stealing were inexcusable in his mind. “I remember.”

“So, why do I get the feelin’ you’re not tellin’ me the truth now… about your feelings for him. You want me to believe you feel somethin’ you don’t. You want me to believe your marriage is solid when it’s not. Why?”

“It’s not fair of you to assume—”

“I don’t give a goddamn what’s fair!”

It was so unlike the Aiden she used to know to explode without provocation, but she couldn’t blame him for being angry about the hand life had dealt them. She was angry too. She was better at masking it than he was.  “You know what, I think we’d better have a look at the house now. We have others to see…” She stood up too quickly, and her high heel got stuck in one of the wooden slats.

He reached for her hand to steady her, but instead took advantage of her misstep to pull her into his lap. “I may go straight to hell for kissin’ another man’s wife, but right about now, I’m thinkin’ it’s worth the risk.”

Sela knew she should take advantage of the brief seconds his lips hovered over hers to ward him off, but the promise of what he offered rendered her paralyzed. All she could do was close her eyes and wait for the searing heat and explosive sparks that always accompanied one of his kisses. But this one was different than any of the others she remembered. It was sweet and gentle, persuasive, yet not demanding. He stroked her everywhere, with his tongue, with one hand in her hair, the other wrapping around her ribs just below the swell of her breast.

The little voice in her head told her to stop this before it spiraled out of control, but she knew they were already way past the point of retreating. She’d just proven herself a liar. A woman who loved her husband wouldn’t kiss another man as though her life depended on it.

He finally pulled back to look at her; his eyes were unfocused and his chest heaved with every breath he took. “I don’t wanna live another day without that. Tell me what I have to do to convince you to leave him.”

Aiden hadn’t intended to be so direct, but he hadn’t expected one kiss to tell him so much. She still loved him, not Neil. Her husband may be her security, her soft place to land, but Aiden knew he still had her heart, and he would convince her to acknowledge that, no matter how long it took.

“Please don’t ask me that.” She tried to get up, but his grip around her waist tightened, holding her in place.

“We’ve spent too many years tryin’ to deny how we feel about each other.” He settled his face into the crook of her neck and languished in the sweet scent he loved so much. “I’m tired of pretendin’ you’re not the only woman in the world who can give me what I need. I’ve tried to move on, I’ve tried to forget about you, to leave you alone so you could be happy, but I can’t do it anymore. Knowin’ you’re livin’ in the same city, feelin’ the same way I am—”

“You don’t know how I feel.”

He smiled in spite of the fact she was trying to deliver a verbal blow. She could deny her feelings for him all she wanted, but the truth was in the way she responded to his kiss. Her tentative hands still stroked his hair, even though he suspected she wasn’t even consciously aware of the gentle action.

“I know exactly how you feel, always have, always will.” He barely touched his lips to hers. The first kiss had been about proving something to her and himself; this time, the intimate brush of lips stemmed from his uncontrollable urge to feel her skin against his.

“I’m married, Aiden. How we feel doesn’t matter anymore. I made a commitment to Neil, and I intend to honor that. Divorce isn’t an option for me.”

He knew her parents were religious and divorce was frowned upon in her family, but he knew her parents well enough to know they’d want their daughter to be happy. “You can’t live the rest of your life just going through the motions. It’s not right.”

“You don’t understand.” He heard the telltale tremble in her voice when she said, “And I can’t make you understand.”

“Yes, you can. Tell me what happened to make you marry him, the truth this time.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I can’t; I’m sorry.”

It was so frustrating to know that she was keeping something from him, something that could help them heal the past so they could build a future together. He valued the sanctity of marriage and respected that another man’s wife was off limits, no questions asked, but he knew he was already in too deep to walk away. He had no problem owning up to Neil about his feelings for Sela, and no matter the fall-out, he knew it would be worth it if it earned him one more chance with her.

“Why can’t you? What the hell does he have over you?” Her eyes flew open and he saw fear etched in the subtle lines on her face. “Oh my God, he does have somethin’ on you, doesn’t he? That’s why you’re stayin’ with him?” When she didn’t respond, he said, “Is that why you married him, too? Did he blackmail you?”

“No!” She struggled to break free of his hold, but he refused to let her go until she told him the truth. “You’ve got it all wrong. Neil’s been a good husband to me, a good friend. Frankly, it was more than I deserved, in light of the circumstances.”

“You mean because he married you knowin’ you were in love with someone else?” He knew he was taking a risk pushing her so hard, but in his mind, he had nothing to lose as long as she was still married to another man.  

“Why are you doing this to me?” she asked, pushing against his shoulders. “Why can’t you just let it go?”

“You mean the way you have?” He smirked. “You can tell me you love him and you’ve forgotten about me, but I know the truth. I’ve seen it in your eyes every damn time you looked at me, baby.”

She suddenly seemed to lose the will to fight as she sagged into him, leaning her head against his shoulder. “We can’t go back, you know. Too much has happened. I’m not the same girl I used to be. I’m not even sure you’d like the woman I’ve become.”

His hand slid up her thigh, and he couldn’t remember a time he’d wanted a woman as much as he wanted her, but he knew that was a liberty he couldn’t take as long as she wore a wedding ring. When they finally made love again, and he knew they would, he wanted her to be his, body, mind, and soul.

“I know everything I need to know. I know that I love you… that I still want you.”

She pressed a kiss to his cheek and he felt her tears against his skin. “You deserve so much better than this. I’m sorry… for everything.”

He held her face in his hands and tried to uncover the secrets behind her eyes. “Please, whatever it is, just tell me, sweetheart. I won’t judge you.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Without his arms securing her, she was able to get up, and this time, he let her go… for now.

When Aiden returned to his parents’ house, Josh was making a sandwich at the kitchen counter.

“Hey, perfect timin’,” Josh said, grinning. “You want one?”

Food was the last thing on his mind as he tried to process what happened with Sela that afternoon. “No, I’m good, thanks.”

“How’d the house huntin’ go?”

“Great, I’m puttin’ in an offer on one of the houses I saw today.”

“No kiddin’?” Josh sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. “Tell me about it.”

“It’s on ten acres, in a pretty rural area, which works for me. It’s got all the amenities, pool, hot tub, games room…”

Josh laughed. “Everything a bachelor needs to be happy, huh?”

Aiden shrugged. Unlike most of his teammates, he’d never really valued his single status or the freedom it gave him to play the field. “I guess.”

“So, what’s buggin’ you?”

“It’s Sela.”

“I suspected it might be,” Josh said, setting his sandwich down on the plate. “When you mentioned at breakfast this mornin’ that you were workin’ with her to try and find a house, I thought some of the old feelings might resurface.”

“That’s just it, Dad. My feelings for her haven’t changed in all these years.” Aiden sighed. “I know she’s married to another guy, but in my mind and in my heart, she’s
mine,
ya know?”

“You know I’d be the last guy to advise you to get mixed up with a married woman, kid.” He looked at his son a long time before he said, “It’s not right, but I don’t have to tell you that, do I?”

“No.” Aiden hung his head a long time before he asked, “How’d you and Derek manage to stay friends, given all that went down between you two?”

“I was willin’ to accept my share of the responsibility and so was he. Ash and I never should’ve gotten married, I get that now.”

“So, why did you?”

“I wanted what they had.” Josh took a drink of water from his bottle. “I’m not proud to admit it, but at the time, they seemed so happy, and I just wanted that too. I was young and stupid.” He laughed. “Hell, when you’re twenty, you think you know it all, but the truth is, you don’t know shit about life.”

“You think that’s why Neil married her, because he wanted what we had?”

“I can pretty much guarantee it,” Josh said quietly. “Kid, you gotta remember, he didn’t have the stable childhood you and Sela had. Neil had it rough. He didn’t have anybody he could count on, and he had to fight like hell to make somethin’ of himself ’cause he knew nobody was gonna be there to foot the bill for him to go to college or to pick him up when he fell down.”

“If you’re tryin’ to make me feel sorry for him—”

“I’m tryin’ to remind you that not everyone has it as easy as you did, son.”

“You think I had it easy?” Aiden started pacing the floor, trying to work off some of the mounting frustration. “He was the one who got to share her bed every goddamn night while I was just goin’ through the motions, tryin’ to figure out how to go on without her.”

“Let me ask you somethin’. You think it’s easy to sleep next to a woman who’s thinkin’ about someone else?”

“I don’t mean—”

Josh held his hand up. “Just listen to me. Toward the end of my marriage to Ashley, I’d figured out somethin’ wasn’t right. I didn’t know she and Derek had slept together before he moved to Arkansas, but I knew she still had feelings for him. We’d lay there in this uncomfortable silence, knowing it was time to put it all out there, but neither one of us had the courage to speak the truth. We had two young kids. We didn’t want them to grow up in a broken home.”

“I know, but—”

“No, you don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to live with the knowledge that your wife, the mother of your children is in love with someone else.” He looked Aiden in the eye. “And when that guy is someone you once considered a friend, the knife digs that much deeper.”

“So, how’d you decide to move on?”

“I wanted to be happy again. I wanted Ashley to be happy. I knew she couldn’t help the way she felt about Derek any more than he could control the way he felt about her. If Neil fell in love with Sela after you left, or even before, I just want you to try and consider where he may have been comin’ from.”

Aiden had been angry and bitter with his old friend for so long it was difficult to feel an ounce of compassion for him. “How can I? She was
my
girlfriend. We were plannin’ a life together, if not for the fact that he stepped in and started messin’ with her mind—”

Josh held his hand up. “You made the decision to leave. Everyone understood why. You had a great opportunity, the chance to live your dream, but Sela was a young, beautiful woman with her whole life ahead of her. What right did you have to expect her to put her life on hold to wait for you?”

“She said she would.” Even as Aiden tried to defend himself, he knew he couldn’t. His father was right. They were too young to think about forever back then. People make all kinds of plans in high school, and most of them never come to fruition. “I guess I never thought about it from her perspective, how I’d have felt if I was the one left behind.”