Trade Off (12 page)

“You’re willin’ to cut Sela a break, but you need to let go of your hatred toward Neil too, kid. It’s not healthy to live with all of this bitterness and resentment. I got to know Neil pretty well while you guys were growin’ up and I was coachin’ some of your hockey teams. I’d never met a kid more eager to please than he was.”

“I know.” They used to hang out at Aiden’s house all the time when they were kids because the tiny apartment Neil shared with his mother was the last place any kid would want to be. Neil had told him dozens of times he wished he had a father like Josh instead of the kind of man who would abandon his wife and infant son without looking back.

“He just wanted someone to love him, to tell him he was worthy.”

Aiden’s parents had worked so hard to ensure he and his siblings knew how important they were. He always assumed everyone was as lucky as he was, until he and Neil got older and he began to realize not everyone lived in a loving home. “I hear what you’re sayin’.”

“The last couple years before you moved away, I’d watch you four together sometimes, you and Sela, Neil and Sharon, and I’d catch him watchin’ you guys together, and it reminded me so much of myself when I was just a little older than him.”

Aiden stopped pacing and turned to his father. “How so?”

“He obviously wanted what you and Sela had. Sharon never looked at him the way Sela looked at you, and I knew it was only a matter of time before she broke up with him. To tell you the truth, I worried about what would happen when she told him it was over. I didn’t know if he’d be able to handle it. He held on to that poor girl like a lifeline because, aside from hockey, she was the only thing he had.”

“So you think when Sharon finally broke up with him, he turned to Sela because he was scared of bein’ alone?”

“Don’t you?” When Aiden didn’t respond right away, Josh asked, “How would you have felt in his position? You just lost the girl you loved, no family to speak of, no prospects for college, your hockey career still up in the air…” Josh sighed. “I think he turned to Sela because he was desperate. I think he asked her to marry him so soon after you left because she was in a dark place too.”

“I hate that he took advantage of that.”

“You don’t know that he did. You don’t know what she was thinkin’ or feelin’ back then, and you can’t know her motivation for marrying him… unless she’s told you?”

“No, I’ve tried to get her to talk about it, but she won’t.”

“Maybe because it’s none of your business.”

Aiden hated that his own father, who’d always had his back, seemed to be taking the side of the two people who betrayed him. But he knew Josh was just trying to get his son to stop feeling sorry for himself. “How can you say that? What they did damn near destroyed me.”

“They didn’t do anything
to
you.” He sighed when he son glared at him. “I know it felt like they did, but they were just trying to cope with the changes in their own lives at the time. They were friends, so naturally they turned to each other for support. Is that so hard to understand?”

“I guess not.”

Josh smiled as he picked up his plate. “Good. Now I’m gonna leave you alone to think about that for a while.”

“Hey, Dad,” Aiden said, as his father walked down the hall.

Josh turned to face him. “Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“Any time, you know that.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll be in my office if you wanna talk about it some more.”

“Thanks, but I think there’s someone else I need to see right now.”

Sela was sitting at her desk, working on Aiden’s offer, when her husband walked in. One look at his face and she knew their lives were about to change for better or worse.

“I did it! They offered me twelve mil over four years, and I took it.” He grinned as he came around the desk to kiss her. “I am so stoked about this, honey. I can’t even tell you. We can get the hell out of this city and start over somewhere new.”

Her heart pounded so hard she was sure he could see it through the thin silk blouse she wore. “I can’t just pick up and leave. My family and friends are here, my business…”

He scowled as he pushed upright and glared at her. “But I’m your husband, which means wherever I go, you go.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t even think to talk to me about this before you signed the contract.”

“Why would I? You knew I was lookin’ at other options. We’ve talked about it before. I’m a professional hockey player for Christ’s sake, Sela. The odds of me playin’ out my career for the same team I started with are slim to none, especially now.” He walked around the desk and sat down in the guest chair. “I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna play on the same team as him, and I sure as hell don’t want you livin’ in the same city as him.” His eyes traveled to the offer on her desk as he leaned forward to read it. “What the hell is that?”

She tried to slide it into a drawer, but he grabbed it before she could. “That’s confidential, you can’t just—”

He leapt to his feet as he crinkled the offer in his hand. “You’re workin’ with him?” he shouted. “When were you gonna tell me about this?”

Sela tried to remain calm, but it wasn’t easy in the face of her husband’s outrage. Neil had always been quick-tempered, but it had gotten much worse lately. “You know things have been tough since the recession. The real estate market was hit hard. I can’t afford to turn away any clients, especially when we’re talking about this kind of commission.”

He crushed the contract in his hand and tossed it in her wastebasket. “I don’t give a shit about any of that. I told you all along, you don’t have to work. I’ll support you.”

“I need to work,” she said through gritted teeth. They’d had this conversation countless times over the years and Neil still didn’t seem to understand why her career was so important to her. “I love my job. Besides, I’d go crazy if I didn’t work. What would I do?”

“We could look into adoption or—”

“Please,” she said quietly. She knew how much her husband wanted a baby, but after her miscarriage, she hadn’t been willing to consider the possibility of getting pregnant again. Neil sent her links to dozens of websites over the past few years that provided information about alternative options and treatments available to them, but she kept telling him she wasn’t ready to think about having a family until her business was secure. If she were completely honest with herself, she’d admit that she never intended to subject her child to a loveless marriage. “I can’t talk about this now. You just sprung this move on me. I need time to process that.”

He reached across the desk for her hand. “I’m sorry I got so angry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to shout at you, but I knew this would happen. As soon as I heard he was comin’ back here, I knew he’d try to take you away from me.” His voice hardened and she heard the unspoken warning. “You’re my wife.
I
still want this marriage.”

“Why?” she whispered, tightening her hold on his hand. “Why do you want to be with me?”

“What do you mean? I love you.”

She got up and came around the desk, sitting down in the chair beside him. “I can never love you the way you deserve to be loved, Neil. You know that.” She stroked his bristled face and he closed his eyes, turning into her gentle touch as though he craved the physical intimacy. “You’re a good man, and you helped me when I needed it, but I’ve given you so little in return. It’s not fair.”

He held her hand against his face and kissed her palm. “You’ve given me everything I need. We have a beautiful home, a great life together.”

“We haven’t had sex in a long, long time. Don’t you miss it?” He closed his eyes and she knew he hadn’t gone without long enough to miss it. “There have been other women, haven’t there?”

He winced. “None of them ever meant anything to me, sweetheart. It’s always been you, only you.”

“We both know that’s not true. You’ve never loved me the way you loved Sharon. Maybe you could find that again with someone else, if you were willing to try.”

“I don’t even want to try. What’s the point?” He sighed when she withdrew her hand. “I know what this is about,
him
, but don’t you realize you can’t go back? I know Aiden. He’s all about family. He would never forgive you for not tellin’ him about that baby. And when he finds out you were plannin’ to pass it off as mine…” He shook his head. “Speakin’ as a guy, you don’t just get over somethin’ like that, trust me.”

Sela knew Neil was right. How could she expect Aiden to forgive her when she hadn’t been able to forgive herself? “You’re planning to tell him if I don’t go with you, is that what you’re saying?”

“Honey, it doesn’t matter whether or not I tell him. We both know you couldn’t build a life with him knowin’ that lie was hangin’ over your head. It’s not who you are.” He linked their hands. “I wanna say that Aiden’s a selfish son of a bitch and he doesn’t deserve you, but we both know he’s a good guy. He deserves to know the truth if you’re even thinkin’ about a future with him.”

Sela could barely breathe as the impact of his words began to register. “What are you saying?”

“You know I don’t wanna let you go, but I did a lot of soul searching while I was away.”

“And?”

“I know we can’t go on like this. I hate myself for sleepin’ with other women. I know it’s a really shitty thing to do. You sure as hell don’t deserve that.”

“You have needs. I get that.”

He slid a finger down her cheek. “Look, I can yell, scream, threaten, blackmail, tie the divorce up in the courts for years, but…” He sighed. “I know that I can’t make you love me the way you love him. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

She reached over to give him a hug. “I do love you, you’re a great guy, and I can’t imagine what my life would’ve been like without you these past eight years.” She pressed a soft kiss to his lips and wiped away the tear skimming his cheek. “I hate that I hurt you.”

“You didn’t. I did this to myself. I knew what the deal was all along. You didn’t make any false promises, and you never claimed to feel something you didn’t. I’ve known all this time that you’ve only loved me as a friend, but that was enough for me.”

“You deserve so much more than that,” she whispered, stroking his face. “When are you gonna realize that?”

He shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe never.”

“About the move—”

He pressed a finger to her lips. “Let’s just think about it for a while before you make any decisions, okay? Maybe we could find a way to bring the intimacy back to our marriage. We’ve had a good life together, Sela. You can’t deny that. We’ve had a lot of laughs, we’ve always had each other’s back, and that’s more than a lot of couples can say.”

“I know. You’re right.”

“You’re thinkin’ about givin’ up somethin’ that works, and works well, for what? Even if Aiden says that he can forgive you, it’ll always be between you, won’t it?”

That was one of her greatest fears, that even if she and Aiden found their way back to each other, the resentment would continue to simmer slowly inside of him until he hated her. “I don’t know, probably.”

“Honey, I just want you to be happy. I’d like for it to be with me, but if it’s not, I guess I’ll have to find a way to live with that, won’t I?”

“Thank you,” she whispered. “For giving me the option. For not making me feel as though I don’t have a choice.”

“You do have a choice, but I hope you’ll choose me and what we have.” He kissed her hands. “Listen, I know I’ve been a miserable S.O.B. lately, but now that I’ve got a four-year contract somewhere else, I feel better about where I stand. If you come with me, things will be good between us, I promise. Better than they have been in a long time.”

She stood up and reached out to him, pulling him into her arms. They held each other like that for endless minutes, both knowing it may be the last time.

It wasn’t difficult for Aiden to get Neil’s address from one of their teammates. But now, as he sat out in front of Neil’s house, he had no idea what he would say to the man who had been like a brother to him since their first day of kindergarten when they bonded over their shared love of hockey trading cards.

It had been so many years since they’d had a civil conversation that he didn’t know where to start, but he knew one thing for sure: his dad was right. He couldn’t go on blaming Neil for something they’d all played a part in. It was time for him to stop playing the victim and figure out where to go from here.

Aiden rang the doorbell and took a moment to collect himself as he took in the manicured grounds and stately homes surrounding their two-story colonial. Given the tiny apartments Neil had shared with his mother, Aiden suspected the spacious home was a testament to the life he’d left behind.

Neil opened the door with a towel hanging around his neck and a light sheen of perspiration on his bare chest. “What the hell do you want?”

Given the tension during their last meeting, Aiden hadn’t expected a warm reception, but he hoped they could find a middle ground that would enable them to have a conversation that was years overdue. “Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk.”

He used the towel to wipe the sweat from his forehead. “You heard about the trade already? Did Sela tell you?”