Trade Off (14 page)

“Honestly, I don’t know what Sela wants. She and I haven’t talked about the future. We’ve been too busy tryin’ to get past everything that happened.”

“Huh, so she told you? I knew she would eventually. It was eatin’ her up inside. Listen, don’t be too hard on her. She did what she felt she had to do, for you, for her, for…” He paused when he caught a glimpse of the expression on Aiden’s face. “You don’t know what the hell I’m talkin’ about, do you?”

Aiden was almost afraid to ask because he had the sense that whatever it was, it was going to change everything between him and Sela. “No, you gonna tell me, or what?”

Neil stood up and shoved his hands in the pockets of his running shorts. “I wish I could, but I can’t. When the time is right, she’ll tell you. But do me a favor; when she does, give her a break. She’s already punished herself more than you ever could.”

Aiden didn’t know if he was ready to uncover the truth.

Sela sat at her desk, trying to force her attention back to the offer, but the words blurred together behind the haze of her tears. She knew this day would come eventually, but now that it was finally here, she couldn’t find the courage to go through with it. She couldn’t ask Neil for the divorce that would set them both free.

A knock on the door forced her to look up. “Come in.” Her heart began to race when she saw the look on Aiden’s face. He looked as miserable and confused as she felt. “Oh, uh, hi. I wasn’t expecting you for another half hour.”

“I just came from seein’ Neil. We need to talk.”

Her stomach plummeted when she realized her husband had finally revealed her secret. It was the only possible explanation for Aiden’s morose mood. “Um, what did he have to say?” She tried to buy a few minutes to get her thoughts together. How could she offer him an explanation when she knew her actions were inexcusable?

“He told me about the trade.”

“Oh right, the trade.” She stacked documents into neat piles, trying to pretend she wasn’t trembling inside. “He told me about that earlier. He seemed happy about it.”

“What does this mean for you?”

Now that Aiden knew the truth about her betrayal, could she bear the thought of staying? “Um, I don’t know yet. Why?”

“Why?” He started walking back and forth across the area rug that defined the small seating area where she usually had coffee with her agents. “How can you ask me that? I think I have a vested interest in this, don’t you?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Do you?” If Neil had told him the truth, she couldn’t imagine Aiden would care whether she stayed or left Nashville.

“Come on, stop playin’ games with me, Sela. What the hell’s goin’ on with you?”

She feared saying too much, but she knew if she didn’t say something, his anger would continue to escalate. “Maybe you’d better tell me what my husband said to you.”

He stopped walking long enough to stare her down. “It’s not what he said, it’s what he didn’t say. It was all very cryptic, as though y’all are in on some secret you don’t intend to share with me. What the hell’s that all about?”

So Neil had said enough to pique Aiden’s curiosity, but he left it to her to fill in the blanks. The problem was, she didn’t know if she could stand to see the look on his face when she finally told him the truth about what she’d done. Unable to control her discomfort, she began wringing her hands as she prayed for some kind of divine intervention to excuse her from facing the moment she’d dreaded for years.

“Sit down, Aiden.”

“I’m not gonna like this, am I?” When she didn’t respond right away, he sank into the chair she’d indicated with a heavy sigh. “Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as some of the stuff I was imaginin’ on the drive over here.”

She bet the impact of her bombshell would make his worst-case scenarios pale in comparison. “When you left Nashville, I was in a really bad place. I was scared and alone, and I didn’t want to tell you how I felt because I knew how excited you were about the future. It was everything you ever wanted, and I didn’t want to bring you down.”

“Go on.”

“But I was dying inside, missing you like crazy. Every day without you seemed like a month. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I remember being so tired…” Her voice drifted off as her mind recaptured the state she had been in during the brief months of her pregnancy.

“Honey, I was goin’ through hell, too. You’ve gotta know that.”

She smiled at his sweet endearment, knowing it would probably be the last one she would hear from him. The next five-letter word he called her would undoubtedly be much harsher and well-deserved. “I know you were.”

“But I got through it, just thinkin’ about the off-season and knowin’ we’d be together again soon.”

She knew he had to understand how she felt physically as well as emotionally at the time if she had any hope of earning his forgiveness for keeping him in the dark. “I know, I thought about that all the time, too.” She reached for a tissue when the tears started to fall on her desktop. “I couldn’t eat; I was getting sick almost every day… Sometimes just the thought of food had me running for the bathroom.” She wondered whether she would have to say the words aloud or if she could provide just enough clues to help him put the pieces together on his own.

“Why were you gettin’ sick so often? Did you see a doctor?”

“I did.” She looked up, but tore her gaze away when the bewilderment shading his striking eyes became more than she could stand. “He told me I was pregnant.” At first, she thought he didn’t hear her, but when she saw him shake his head in denial, she knew he was still trying to absorb the news.

“What the hell…” He shook his head. “What are you…?” He dropped his head into his hands and she just wanted to reach out and ease his distress. “You cheated on me… with Neil?”

“No, God no!” She tried to pretend the question didn’t insult her, but she knew he had every right to ask, given the fact that Neil was the man she chose to marry. “You were the only man I was with before I got pregnant, I swear.”

He held his hand up. “Wait a minute, are you tellin’ me you were pregnant with my baby when you married him?”

She wiped away the tears sliding down her cheeks and tried to take a deep, steadying breath. Now was not the time to fall apart. There would be plenty of time for that later, when he told her he hated her and never wanted to see her face again. “Yes.”

“Oh my God.” He bent forward, and for a split second, she thought he was battling nausea. “What happened to the baby? Please tell me you didn’t—”

“No! How can you even ask me that?” He glanced at her and she knew he felt he was looking into the eyes of a stranger. “I’m sorry. You have the right to ask me any question you want. I know that.”

“What the hell happened to
my
baby?” he asked between gritted teeth. His cheeks, which were pale with shock mere moments before, now flushed with barely contained rage and frustration.

“I had a miscarriage at four and a half months.” She clasped and unclasped her hands, wishing she could contain the tension making every muscle in her body tremble. “I was arguing with my mother about…” She cleared her throat as she tried to control the quaver in her voice. “My decision, my marriage, everything, and I was upset. I was crying. I couldn’t see clearly, but I ran down the stairs in my haste to get away from her. I guess I missed the first step, because I tumbled from the top of the staircase to the bottom.”

He moaned, as though he felt the pain of her words as deeply as she did. “God, no…”

“It was a high-risk pregnancy; there had been other complications…” When he pressed his palms into his eyes, she knew he was fighting back tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“How could you?”

At first, she thought he was blaming her for putting their unborn baby at risk, but then she realized he was referring to the pregnancy she’d intended to keep from him. “I thought it was for the best. You were getting settled in Vancouver. I didn’t want to disrupt your new life—”

“You didn’t think I had the right to know I was going to be a father?”

His words were so soft, his tone so defeated. Sela had been prepared to face his wrath, but his utter devastation made her heart ache. She still loved him, and knowing she caused him so much pain nearly destroyed her. “I’ve berated myself every single day since the miscarriage, you have to know that. I hated myself for keeping it from you, for—”

“You were gonna pass my baby off as his, weren’t you? That’s why you married him, isn’t it?”

“Please, you have to try to understand…” How could she ask him to imagine what she’d been going through as a scared teen with a boyfriend living thousands of miles away, a sick father, and no source of support? “I didn’t know the first thing about being a mom. My parents were so disappointed in me. They begged me to put the baby up for adoption, but I couldn’t do that.”

He looked at her for a long time, waiting for her to continue. “Did you ever consider giving our baby away?”

“Never,” she whispered. “I loved him with all my heart, you have to know that.” She reflexively touched her now flat stomach. “I talked to him all the time, told him how talented his daddy was, how much—”

“
Him
? It was a boy?” The question sounded as though it was torn from a throat left dry from the tears he refused to shed. 

“Yes.”

“God, I can’t believe this.” He got up and braced his hands on the back of the chair he had been sitting on. “How could you marry him? How could you even think about passin’ my son off as his?”

“I was young and alone. I had no money, no skills, no way of supporting our son or myself. When Neil got that contract here in Nashville…”

Aiden swore. “Yeah, I worked my ass off and look where it got me. I was so goddamn good the hometown team couldn’t afford me. But they could afford Neil, couldn’t they? Hell, he probably didn’t even wanna think about goin’ anywhere else, did he?”

“Please, try to understand. He was being a friend, trying to support me through a difficult time.” She thought about telling him about her father’s condition, but she didn’t want his pity. He had every right to be angry with her, and she was determined to hold it together while he had his say. “He wasn’t able to have children of his own, so—”

“So he thought he could just steal my son? I can’t believe I felt sorry for that lyin’ sack of shit earlier. What kind of man does that?”

“You’re not angry with him. You’re angry with me. I did this to you. I made the decision to keep my pregnancy from you, not him.”

“I still can’t believe you did that. What made you think I wouldn’t have taken care of you, that I wouldn’t have welcomed the opportunity to be a father to our baby?”

Her head throbbed with the pain of knowing there was no rewind button to erase the past. If only… “I hate that I hurt you. If I made the wrong choice, I’m sorry. But I was just so afraid of saddling you with a wife and baby you weren’t ready for. I loved you too much to do that to you.”

“You couldn’t have been more wrong,” he said quietly, looking down at his clenched hands. “I think that hurts more than anything, knowing how wrong you were about me. I thought you knew me. I thought you knew how much I loved you. I told you all the time that I wanted to marry you and have a family with you. Didn’t you believe me?”

She shrugged. Those words had always felt like pillow talk spoken in the climax of an intimate moment when they were able to shut out reality and pretend he was just a regular guy instead of a sought-after athlete destined for greatness. “I wanted to, but I didn’t know how you’d feel after you’d been up there a few years. I thought you might meet someone else.” Her full lips twisted into a wry smile. “I’ve heard those puck bunnies can be pretty persuasive. If my husband’s extra-marital activities are any indication…”

His head shot up. “You know he’s been unfaithful to you?”

“I’ve suspected as much for years. I’d liked to say I cared, but I really didn’t. Our marriage was never about the sex…”

He winced. “That’s the last thing I wanna think about right now.”

“Sorry, but it’s true. We got married because we were friends—”

“I don’t care about any of that right now,” he said, pushing off the chair. “I’m still tryin’ to process the fact that you were carryin’ my baby and you intended to pass it off as his.”

“Do you hate me?”

“I don’t know how I feel right now.”

Corine tapped her knuckles against the door before poking her head in. “Sorry to bother you, boss. Eddie Wood just arrived with his clients. They’re waiting for you in the conference room.”

“Thanks, tell them I’ll be with them in a minute.” She waited for Corine to close the door before she looked up at Aiden. “That’s the listing agent for the house you wanted to make an offer on. What do you want me to do?” When he didn’t respond, she said, “If you want to proceed, you just have to sign right here.” She held up the prepared document. “I’ll take care of the negotiations.”

“Just like that, huh? You’re gonna walk into that room with your goddamned professional mask in place and pretend you didn’t turn my world upside down?”

“Aiden, I’m sorry.”

He turned his back on her as he walked toward the door. “I don’t want to hear it right now. I need time to think about what I want to do.”