Transcending Nirvana (Dark Evoke #3) (5 page)

“I told you, darlin’, I was a stranger. As a stranger it was easier to wipe the slate clean. I love you, I want to protect you. I’m not going to lie, I thought maybe a bit of jealousy would have helped move things along a little quicker,” he chuckled before continuing, his arms constricting around me again and his voice became much graver, his lilt enriched and beyond ridiculously sexy. “If having a do-over was what it took to not cause you to panic and distance yourself from me…then that’s what I would do. I’d lost you before, Kady, I couldn’t risk it again.” Against his arm, I smiled and he pressed a kiss against my temple. “Is there anything else?”

The only one I could think of was: “Where’s my bracelet?”

Walker slipped his arm from out of the valley of my cleavage leaving me feeling instantly cold and lonely without it there. The bed squealed as he turned. Hearing the drawer of the bedside unit being pulled open, I rolled onto my right side to face him. Between his thumb and middle finger, a familiar silver bracelet with a teddy bear holding a shamrock, dangled. Delirious, I beamed. “I found it in the side zipper of your purse in the hospital. Let’s put it back where it belongs, eh?”

Holding out my right wrist, Walker wrapped the chain around me, fastening the clasp. I jiggled my wrist and the silver links tickled and brushed the sensitive skin. The bear swayed. “Thank you for keeping it safe.”

“I want to keep
you
safe, Kady. That’s all I want. I have done since the first time I saw you at the Hyperion.”

Pouting adorably, his lips were pressed together, while his eyes tapered in bemusement when I murmured, “That wasn’t the first time we met, Walker.” I studied him studying me as though I had lost all my marbles…again…I bit my lip and let my gaze falter slightly. “You pulled over and offered me a ‘ride’ one night. It was December and Liam and I had a disagreement, it was the first time he taught me a lesson. He pushed me from the car and I was to make my own way back home.” The look of recognition which was displayed in his eyes the moment I brought my gaze back to him was so heartwarming that my heart fluttered under my ribs. I rested my left hand on the side of his face, his stubble tickling my palm as I hooked my leg over his hip, effectively drawing our bodies together. “You came into my life the very moment my life was changing. Things happen for a reason, Walker.
We
happened for a reason.”

We drowned in the sound of silence for seconds, minutes…

Gazes dithered from eyes to lips and back again, almost in slow motion. Momentarily, a V scored between his brows and his lips pursed as if to say something, but before the chance was given, our lips were already moving closer together. I allowed my lower lip to catch on his, rolling it from my lower teeth temptingly as I tipped my head back a fraction.

Like a fish too close to the hook, I was caught when I finally pulled back. His teeth sunk into my lower lip, I was dragged back until my mouth was claimed by his luscious lips and skillful tongue. Sweeping decadently through my mouth before coiling around my own, his hand cupped the back of my head and I was wrenched closer, our connection deepening.

Between my thighs, the pressing need didn’t go unnoticed. And neither did our frenzied caresses, with equally impatient hands groping and clawing at one another. At the same time, unrestrained sounds of desperation were both freed and swallowed.

“I’m sorry, Kady…” he breathed against my lips before pulling away. My hands were gripped by his and before I had a chance to ask what he was sorry for, he was already tugging my body up off the mattress, and the white T-shirt I was wearing, was lifted over my head and tossed over his shoulder to the end of the bed. “…But I need you, now.”

Squealing springs masked the low feral groan vibrating from him as I fell back. Under his burning scrutiny, seeking, predatory eyes, pinned me to the mattress, from between my legs. His jaw tightened as if demonstrating his restraint, while the perfect canvas marred with brutal scars sang out to me, urging to be felt. For a brief moment, I was tortured by, not the sight of the pale, leather-like flesh over his heart, but by the story of
how
it came to be. The heartrending pain and anguish of his terse words in the shower filled my eyes and caused my heart to billow.

Yet, the depressing thought was stripped from my memory as he panted, “you’re fucking gorgeous, darlin’. Even in my boxers,” and his thumbs instantly began burrowing beneath the waistband. Down my legs his shorts were drawn then tossed to their fate to meet the T-shirt. I reached my hands out to him, beckoning him closer. With a roguish grin, he complied, leisurely lowering his body onto mine.

The rivalry between my body’s own restraint and the concoction of blissful sensations which he tortured my nakedness with, proved void with the eliciting of my arching back and the quivering of sensitive nerve endings. His lips worked fluidly against my own before he tore them away and paved sensuous wet trails over my jaw, neck and throat. His tongue, feeling like heated satin, slithered up my throat prompting my swallowing reflex, the air fused with the trail he had left behind leaving a cool, damp streak over my fiery flesh before sinking his teeth into my chin.

When he took my left nipple into the damp heat of his mouth and drew it into a straining peak, I didn’t know how much of the heavenly agony I could withstand. I needed him like he needed me. And that need was too powerful to draw out.

“Walker, please…” I gasped, his skillful, workman, calloused hands scoured up my thigh and seized behind my knee. When he hooked me over his hip and ground his hips into me simultaneously, it was as though we fit perfectly.

“God, Kady, you don’t realize how much I––” my lips crashed back against his, swallowing the declaration that was only mere second away from being told, a declaration which, if I was correct, was one that I really wasn’t ready to hear.

The working muscles of his back were thoroughly studied by my hands. The prominence of his shoulder blades, the muscles shielding his ribs, all the way to the twin dimples on his lower spine as my fingertips sunk into their indents.

“I can’t take much more of this,” I panted, our foreheads touching. The Indian Ocean which brought so much comfort within such time, stared down upon me. His lower lip trembled, his brows pulled in a fraction as he demonstrated a bountiful degree of patience. I lifted my hand, my fingertips grazing over the dark facial hair around his mouth, before tracing over his lips. Flashing him my bedtime eyes, I lowered my head, coquettish. “I need you, Walker. I need to feel…”

Words were slain when, bracing his weight through his left forearm next to my head, his right hand slipped between us and his towel was instantly tugged free, leaving us flesh on flesh. His need for me was evident as it pressed against my heated core. Before I knew it, his hips were pulling back and the broad crown of his extraordinary length was breaching my body, working slowly and magnificently inside of me.

With the perfect amount of force, and my body bowing to his demands as he overtook my being, each thrust and each decadent inch of what my body was molding to, I accepted and luxuriated in.

The cotton of the pillow was cool against my scalp as my head rolled. Burying himself to the root, he plunged his head into my neck as he gave into his own sensations, with a seductive, carnal groaning of, “Jesus Christ.”

A soft whimper escaped when my pelvis circled to meet his striking hips. The dip between my hip and my ass cheek was greedily gripped by his hand before skimming down the hind of my thigh to hold the back of my knee while he continued to thrust, working and seeking his way to the peak inside of me.

Above us, I watched the panther writhe from the mirror, his hips dragging back, the powerful, demanding clench of his ass cheeks as he completed me with gyrating hips.

“Fuck, Walker…” I keened, breathless. His tongue peeked and slithered once again, up my throat before clamping and dragging his teeth sensuously to my chin.

With each lunge, his pelvis bone would clash with the swelling nub of nerve endings, his trimmed pubic hair prickling me in a delightful way. Drowning in the most incredible sensations, my body was overloaded.

Searching his eyes, his eyebrows knitted, his lip quivered as short pants, which matched my own, left his lips and cooled my face.

“I’m getting close, Walker,” I warned, the strain in my hips radiated into my back as I felt myself rise into euphoria.

“Come for me, Kady,” he gritted, his drives more insistent, his fingertips burning at the back of my thigh.

My arms lifted over my head, seeking out the metal staves of the headboard which was colliding with the wall. Wrapping my fingers tightly around the iron, I surrendered, calling out as wave after wave of ecstasy engulfed my shaking body, and I clamped around him, my stomach muscles compressing painfully. My body was still thrashing when he drew himself quickly from my body. Amid laborious breaths I found myself thankful, that even in our moment of passion, Walker was the conscious one when it came to the absence of protection. And it made the action of his hand fisting around his cock, pulling back only a few short times before releasing his warm essence over my flesh, a thousand times more erotic.

Oblivion was my escape. It beckoned me with its song and promise of moments of numbness as nails scrapped down my hand. The floorboards, lit with an early morning streak of sunlight, waved and distorted while I stared through them as though they were some hallucination. The sounds which shrouded me I couldn’t discern, all I heard was the welcome buzzing of the silence echoing in my head, and the scoring of abraded flesh.

Repeatedly scouring back and forth over the thin flesh covering the bone of my middle finger of my left hand, those haunting images which startled me awake that Tuesday morning, and had me clutching at my throat for dear life, filtered through the divide I had built in my psyche. I could still feel the weight of Liam on top of me, pinning me down, as in my dream I thrashed around for my life. Hissed words of blame, derision, and of lies which I had been made to believe for far too long, echoed endlessly in my head.
You’re delusional. You’re going back where you belong. You are my girlfriend, don’t you dare disrespect me.

BANG…

As I relived that dreaded night, my eyes watered and my head jerked as though I was being driven into the same wall, by the same man, once again. It was damaging enough living it––that cycle of brutality and control, which one becomes accustomed to, and the one that has no easy end. But now, I didn’t only relive the moment his oppressive hand fisted into the back of my head, his body coiled around me as I was restrained and force fed those small blue pills, or the honeymoon periods bred by guilt on his behalf. No––now, I was the spectator. I was the entity standing beyond the sidelines watching it for what it truly was––what others around me had already witnessed. I couldn’t hide behind the rose tinted glasses anymore, with the burdensome strain of finding justification to his behavior and actions. I was witnessing it for myself from outside the barrier of isolation that he forged around me, and finally finding my voice, I screamed out for him to stop, but most importantly, for her to leave.

“Darlin’,” Walker’s voice called out to me softly, urging me back to the here and now. I may have been lost in my vacant vision, but I could still make out that he was squatting before me as I rested on the edge of the old, brown sofa, rocking gently. “Kady,” he whispered.

Despite my hand burning and the soreness radiating through my fingers, I couldn’t halt the repetition of the simple up and down motions of dragging nails. I never had control with Him, and irrespective of his demonic manifestation in my head, torturing me with sadistic, malevolent ways, I still felt that lack of control. The moment soon came where my darkened thoughts were cast down a darker path, and I longed to use something sharper and more wounding than my fingernails. Removing myself from turmoil would be easy, I knew that. Yet in doing so, the fact that
He
would be the cause of my act of sheer desperation, once again gave
him
control over me. Gradually, I began to retreat from my world of precarious thoughts and became more aware of the happenings around my physical body. Nevertheless, it still felt alien going against something so natural, so instinctive, like telling a dog not to dig in the yard. I realized, in that moment, that I was beginning to understand Walker’s troubles and his concern over our matching need for emotional release, more so.

Warm hands parted my own, bringing an end to the chasm I was forging in the back of my hand. “It’s okay, darlin’. I’m here,” he spoke his words softly, teeming with so much assurance and understanding that my eyes were stinging with moisture, while my brow crumpled. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, his eyebrows meeting his hairline.

“I…I…”

“Another nightmare?”

I nodded with a small sniffle then hung my head, apologetic. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Hey,” he sighed, shunting himself from his crouched position. Taking the seat to my right, I was pulled into his arms, my head rested on his chest as I surrendered to my despair. “It’ll be okay, Kady. I’m here; no one is going to hurt you. Not again, I won’t allow it.” He kissed the top of my head before his cheek rested where his lips had just been. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t think there’s anything to say. It…he…” Why was it so hard to explain my feelings? It was as though I was hypnotized––the mere mention of His name, a thought, his face flashing through my mind and I was back to being the woman who justified it, who allowed herself to believe his ‘
pie-crust promises’
, as my Grandmother would have said. Easily made, easily broken.

Broken…I am broken. He did it to me, and I allowed him to without so much as putting up a fight.

Liam DeLaney was an alpha male, that, I knew. Time after time again I bowed to him because that was what I thought he deserved. He took his power often when given, but over time, it wasn’t merely enough for him. The monster’s obsession with gaining control had driven the man to cause fear through his alpha standing. The truth was: he was abusive, a woman beater, and a control freak. If after five long years together I never stood a chance, then neither will Liv.

Liv…

How could she have done that to me?

Minutes which felt like hours passed with us sitting on the sofa, watching the ray of sunlight burn through the old window to the right of us, lighting the air and displaying the lint particles floating weightlessly through the room. It was relaxing. Upon Walker’s shoulder, my head lifting and falling rhythmically, my fingers traced the border of scalded flesh, and for the first time all morning, I managed to push Him out of my mind.

“What time is your appointment?”

“1:20 p.m.”

“Kady,” he shifted beneath me. The grave undertone of his voice prompted me to lift my head to look at him. I didn’t care for the equally grave expression he was donning. “You can’t lie about this. You need to tell them everything. Okay?”

It was only 8 a.m., but I was absolutely exhausted. The ability and strength to talk was spent, so I simply nodded my head before snuggling back into position and relaxing myself. Unconsciously, my fingertips skated across thin, crinkled flesh before reaching the healthy surface. “Do you mind me tracing this?” I whispered summoning the energy from God only knows where. “I’m finding it relaxing.”

My head rose as his lungs were filled to bursting point and a kiss was planted on my head. “Funny enough, I do, too…”

At 1:05 p.m. we pulled up outside MA General. Peeking past Laurie and out of the window to my right, a shudder spawned and paved its way up my spine. The awning, the car lot, the fucking building, everything around me was feeding my anxiety.

How could so much happen in three short weeks?
It felt like I had lived two lifetimes during that stretch. I suppose in a way, I had.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright, darlin’?” The affectionate hand on my knee amplified his concern. My focus dithered from the hospital when I felt his assuring grip tighten with a form of encouragement on my flesh. I glanced back at the man beside me.

“She’ll be fine, cuz. I’ll be with her.”

Laurie’s words of promise made no dent in his raptured focus upon me. Without a sound, Walker repeated his question in a gesture of widened eyes. I nodded blandly. “I should be okay.”

“Are you sure, because I can put off this errand and come with you for support. I’m more than happy to do so, it’s no problem.”

“Walker, for the love of God, man,” Laurie’s exuberant yet very much vexed tone had me stifling an amused snort. However, grinning widely was unavoidable. “I’m not chopped fucking liver; I’ll be there with her. I promise she’ll be fine. Now, come on, girlie, don’t want to keep the nice doctor man waiting,” she tugged gently on my right arm as the sounds, which were drowned out by the solitude of the truck, became alive and consuming when she hastily shoved the door open.

A hand equally dry and cracked with hard skin cradled my face. His flesh may have been rough, but his touch was the softest I’d ever felt. My eyes were searched while he muttered, “I’m sorry, darlin’,” with a small flail of his head. “I don’t mean to…I mean…I just want to keep you safe.”

My hand lifted and eclipsed his. Licking my lips, creases began to burrow into my brow as realization overtook. Any other time, I would have leaned into his tender touch, but not then. Not with those seven words holding up a crimson flag in my mind. They may have been ones of concern and consideration, and they may have been uttered in the rich, velvet Irish tone I was familiarized with. Still, they were an echo of Him. An overawing sense of déjà-vu had me curling my fingers around his upon my cheek. Walker’s eyes tapered and his lips pursed when I removed his hand, letting it drop into his black, denim clad lap.

Ordinarily, I would have braved a smile and tiptoed around my true feelings, making certain that those fragile eggshells didn’t crack beneath my weight, however, that red warning flag which was being frantically waved in front of my very eyes, was merely goading my anger. It had to be said. I had to be honest. “So did He,” lurched from my mouth in a scathing manner, and I watched on, pained, as Walker’s breath caught while his eyes darkened with a wall of moisture as well as secret regret. And guilt was the sole cause of my now billowing heart.

“Kady, come on. I know your appointment is never usually on time with these things, but I need to get coffee before heading up anyway.”

Removing my attention from one of the strongest men I knew, who was wounded by three simple words, was proving difficult. “I’m sorry, I just felt cornered and childlike and it held up a red flag for me…”

I may have been sitting beside him, but I could see his eyes were flared and frantic as their gaze shifted desperately from his lap to the steering wheel, his hand lightly fisted into his just-fucked hair. When he looked at me, his hand dropped while his mouth formed a firm line, and the monotone in which his words were formed retained that moment of downfall. “I don’t want you to feel that way, so thank you for telling me. You’d better go. Call me when you’re finished and I’ll come and pick you up, alrighty?”

“Walker, I’m sorr––”

“There’s nothing to feel sorry for, darlin’. Something like that needs to be said, especially if it’s making you feel that way and holding up warning flags, right? Better said now than later. Now off ya go,” he leaned across and gave me a quick, chaste kiss before righting his posture. “You’re going to be late.”

The smell of disinfectant should bring a small amount of comfort when you realize that, to some extent, the hospital corridors are one of the most hygienic places a person could be. The sound of squelching shoe soles ricocheted down the quiet hallway which was encased both sides with streak-free windows.

“These appointments never run on time anyway, so I’m going to get us a coffee. We’ll need one to stay awake while we wait. I’ll meet you up there?”

“Sure,” I nodded with a tightlipped grin. “See you in a few.”

Dipping into my overly large white leather purse, I pulled out my cellphone and turned it off. I may have been severely pissed about Walker and Laurie going behind my back and basically embezzling money from the business into one of Walker’s accounts, but I couldn’t have been more grateful that they had. Leaving everything behind last Thursday night when I fled the house left me with absolutely nothing. It’s a horrible feeling literally not owning one solitary possession, nothing to call your own apart from the clothing on your back and the shoes on your feet.

So Saturday, several hundred dollars were withdrawn from the account to at least purchase new clothing and a new cellphone. Things which I urgently needed.

Nervously approaching the reception desk, the handset was dropped into my purse. A woman donning thick, red-framed glasses, which hung from a golden chain around her neck, peeked up at me before fixing the frames upon her face, then smiled warmly.

“Afternoon. My name is Kady Jenson and I have an appointment at 1:20 with Dr. Leviton.”

Flipping a sheet of paper over a clipboard, she took a highlighter and scrolled out my name. “If you could take a seat in the waiting area, you’ll be called shortly.”

Muttering my gratitude, I turned on my heel and made my way through the double doorframe, my heels lightly tapping over the buffed flooring as I entered the near empty room. From the low coffee table in the center of the room, I grabbed the first magazine I found before taking a seat. Studying the cover page, with the attention-grabbing liner, ‘
My sister is really my mother…’
I unhooked my purse from my shoulder, settling down to read.

“So you remembered your appointment, then.” A voice sounded from behind a newspaper. On hyper alert, I tore my focus from the glossy pages just in time to see the tabloid being slowly lowered to unmask the source. “What’s wrong, Kady baby? Cat got your tongue?”

I wanted so greatly to up and run away before he spat his venom. But my legs wouldn’t work. I prayed that my unhinged breathing would normalize before he used the physical evidence of my fear against me. Yet my entire body’s traitorous reaction spoke volumes. My heart was pounding, my ears buzzing, my throat constricting. It was finally when the magazine fell from between my tingling fingers, and slipped down my white denim pants to land with a slap on the glossy, blue flooring, that I saw that menacing look in his eye, and his ill-contained amusement at my unease.

“Lia…” The nauseated feeling was swallowed back harshly. “What are yo––”