TVA BABY and Other Stories (9 page)

“Hey, asshole!” he said. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Nothing,” said Lou. “Making a call.” He pretended to be punching in a number.

“Somebody ought to kick your ass,” said the black guy. He paid and left. The clerk went back to his magazine. It was
People
. Lou pretended to be looking for something in the candy aisle.

A fat white kid came in. Lou knew him. It was the kid from upstairs over Lou’s apartment. He was about twelve. He lived with his mother. Lou wasn’t afraid of him.

Through the viewscreen, in black and white, with the Date&Time display, the kid looked like a perp. He went straight to the candy aisle and picked out a Snickers.

Lou pressed SHOOT and watched the kid approach the counter. Instead of paying for the candy bar he stuck it into his jacket pocket. Then he jammed it forward like a gun.
04/18/2008/9:04 p.m
.

“Open the fuckin’ register,” he said. “Give me the bills. Keep the change. Keep your hands in sight or I’ll blow you away.”

“OK, OK!”

The Pakistani clerk opened the cash register and took out a wad of bills. He handed it to the kid, who backed out the door, still with his hand jammed in his pocket.
04/18/2008/9:05 p.m
.

Then he ran.

“Did you see that?” asked the clerk. Lou shrugged and said, “Not really.” He didn’t want to get involved.

He backed out the door and left the Pakistani clerk calling the cops. He went back to his apartment and pressed PLAY.

There was the fat kid, robbing the store. It had the Date&Time and everything.

Lou watched it several times. He liked crime videos.

The next day after work Lou went by the fat kid’s apartment. It was right upstairs. He waited until he was sure the mother was away.

“What do you want?” the fat kid asked. He didn’t want to open the door.

“I saw you rob the Seven-Eleven,” Lou said.

The fat kid opened the door. “You’re a liar,” he said. But he didn’t sound like he was sure.

Lou hit PLAY and showed him the video on the viewscreen. “I didn’t mean to,” the fat kid said. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. “Give me half the money or I will call the police.”

The fat kid gave him half the money. “Let me see that thing,” he said, pointing at the video camera.

“No way,” said Lou. He went home and counted the money. It was $62, more than he made in a week.

The next day, Lou called in sick. “I have the flu,” he said. His boss grumbled but didn’t say anything.

Lou took his new Crimestoppers™ video camera to the mall. It was almost empty during the day. There was only one girl shopping. She was extremely pretty.

In the viewscreen she looked like a perp.

Cool
, thought Lou.

He followed her up the escalator to Level Two. He watched her in the viewscreen as she went into Cinderella’s Slipper, a shoe store. He pressed SHOOT. She picked up a pair of socks when the clerk wasn’t looking and stuck them down into her tanktop.

Lou followed her to the food court. She got a taco salad. He sat down at the table with her even though all the other tables were empty.

“Beat it,” she said. “I’m calling Security.”

“I have something to show you,” said Lou. He set the video camera on the table, unfolded the viewscreen, and pressed PLAY. There she was, stealing the socks at
04/19/2008/10:14 a.m
.

“I don’t know what came over me,” she said.

“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. “I’m calling the cops unless you split the loot with me.”

The girl just laughed. “What are you going to do with one sock?”

That was a good question. “Keep ‘em both, then,” said Lou. “Think of me as a friend.” She was extremely pretty.

“Not even a remote possibility,” said the girl, her mouth full. “I don’t like your style. Plus, you are not all that good looking.”

“What style?” asked Lou.

“Plus, my mother is picking me up,” she said, scooting back from the table. It, but not the chair, was bolted to the floor. Lou followed her, at a safe distance, out to the parking lot. Her mother was waiting in a Lexus. Lou watched in the viewscreen as the pretty girl got in and slammed the door.

He pressed SHOOT as the Lexus drove off. It scraped the side of a Hyundai on the way out of the parking lot, but didn’t stop.

Lou went home alone. He watched his crime videos and then went to bed. Now he had two. But he still didn’t have any friends.

The next day Lou called in sick again.

“This is getting old,” said his boss.

“It’s the bird flu,” said Lou. He had $62 and he knew how to get more.

He went to the bank. It was a branch with only one teller. He watched the customers come in and out, then picked out a little old lady with a shopping bag. He got her in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT.

She pulled a ski mask and a .44 out of the shopping bag. She put on the ski mask and fired the gun into the ceiling.
04/20/2008/09:18 a.m
.

Everybody hit the floor.

“Hand it over, motherfucker!” the little old lady yelled. The teller filled her shopping bag with money, and she ran out the door.

Lou followed her.

She ripped off her ski mask and jumped onto a bus.

Lou jumped on behind her. He sat down beside her even though all the other seats were empty.

“I saw you rob that bank,” he said.

“No, you did not!” she said. She was out of breath.

“Yes, I did,” said Lou. He pressed PLAY and showedher the viewscreen and she shook her head in amazement. “I don’t know what came over me,” she said.

“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. He made her give him half the money. It was $560, more than he made in a month. It was all in twenties.

He got off at the next stop and went home and watched crime videos. Now he had three. The cat walked through the room, prancing like a criminal, but Lou ignored it. He didn’t want to run down the batteries.

The next day Lou called in sick again.

“This is getting old,” said his boss. “You are fired.”

Lou didn’t give a damn and told him so. He had $622. What did he need with a job?

He went back to the mall. The pretty girl was there again. Her mother apparently dropped her off every day. There was hardly anybody else around.

Lou followed her up the escalator. He watched her in the viewscreen as she walked into Cinderella’s Slipper. He pressed SHOOT. She swiped a pair of little pink socks and stuck them down into her tanktop. It was pink too. Then she went to the food court and ordered a taco salad. Lou sat down beside her.

“I warned you,” she said. “I’m calling Security.”

“Go ahead, they might be interested in seeing this,” said Lou. He showed her the video of her stealing the socks at
04/21/2008/10:22 a.m
.

“I told you, I don’t know what came over me,” she said.

“I do,” said Lou. He explained to her about the Crimestoppers™ video camera. “Everybody that I shoot commits a crime,” he said. “They can’t help it.”

“It must be magic,” she said. “If so, it’s not evidence.”

“There’s no such thing as magic,” said Lou. “It could be from another dimension, or something. I got it on eBay.” He made her look at the video again.

“It’s not evidence anyway,” she said. “The socks are pink and that’s in black and white.”

“I’m not interested in turning you in anyway,” said Lou. “I just want to make friends.”

“You have a funny way of going about it,” said the pretty girl. “Now if you will excuse me, my mother is picking me up.”

Lou followed her out to the parking lot and watched her on the viewscreen getting into the Lexus. He pressed SHOOT. On its way out of the lot the Lexus ran over a little dog but didn’t stop.

Lou went home alone. He was more lonely than ever.

That night he was watching crime videos when there was a knock at the door.

It was the fat kid. The little old lady was with him.

“How did you find me?” Lou asked.

“There are ways,” said the little old lady.

“Let’s see that thing,” the fat kid said.

“What thing?” Lou asked.

“You know what thing,” they both said.

Lou showed them the Crimestoppers™ video camera and explained to them how it worked. “Everybody I shoot commits a crime,” he said. “They just can’t help it.”

“You’re telling me!” said the little old lady.

“That’s why we’re here,” said the fat kid. It turned out they both had enjoyed the experience, and now they wanted to form a criminal gang. “Your apartment will be our hideout,” said the little old lady. “You can be our boss,” said the kid.

Lou wasn’t so sure. But he let them stay. He even let them play with the cat. He was lonely and a criminal gang was better than nothing.