Ultimate Baseball Road Trip (108 page)

Kevin:
Are you setting me up for a George W. joke?

Josh:
Van Buren grew up speaking Dutch. He was also the second-shortest prez at five-foot-six-inches. Can you tell me which head honcho was shorter?

Kevin:
I really don’t care.

Josh:
James Madison. Five-foot-four.

Kevin:
That’s half the size of Randy Johnson.

Josh:
Or something like that.

Phoenix offers public transportation to the ballpark area through several bus lines that disembark at Central Station.

Valley Metro Maps and Info:
www.valleymetro.org/

Another way to get to the game, or back to your car, is by bike taxi—or as we like to call it—the modern rickshaw or “bike-shaw.” That’s right, some poor slob on a twelve-speed will pedal and sweat in temperatures exceeding 110 degrees Fahrenheit while you and your pals recline in comfort, waiting for your frozen water to melt. Phoenix is a nice flat city for this type of thing, but man were those guys sweating when we visited. We tipped our guy well. Josh suggested that he buy himself a Gatorade, while Kevin suggested that he find a new line of work. We thought those were two tips that would serve him better than any extra monetary dispensation would have. And yet, he didn’t seem too appreciative.

Phoenix has more than its fair share of street vendors and pregame hawkers. All this activity comes to a head in the plaza just outside the Chase Field gate. Radio stations broadcast live, there are street games, and of course, more vendors. All in all, the atmosphere is very lively.

The official sign welcoming fans to Chase Field, which comes complete with the blue interlocking Chase logo, is supported by three twenty-foot-high faux baseball bats. This is a popular place for road trippers to pose for a picture, with the ballpark in the background. Thus, people turn their road trip memories into subtle advertisements for Chase, which their friends and relatives will observe and subconsciously be affected by. This is kind of like when an actress in a movie not-so-discreetly reaches for a can of Coca-Cola at an opportune time for the camera to zoom in. Only this time, the person doing the product placement is you, the fan, and you’re not being paid anything for your efforts.

Josh:
I’m cutting out the Chase logo with a pair of scissors as soon as I get this roll developed.

Kevin:
Isn’t that a digital camera?

Josh:
Yeah, so?

Kevin:
There’s this new thing called Photoshop.

The large outfield bays that sometimes open to allow fresh air into Chase and to expose a modest view of the world beyond its walls are decorated on the inside by advertising, but on the outside they expose delightful baseball images. Done in sunburnt hues that suggest the desert in the twilight hour, these portray baseball players running, swinging, pitching and going through a range of other motions fans will recognize. It’s worth walking around the stadium footprint to check them out.

One thing outside the ballpark that we’ve never noticed at any other ballpark is the team mission statement that appears in bronze beneath a statue of a generic Diamondback near Gate K. The plaque reads:

The Arizona Diamondbacks mission is to establish a winning tradition that embodies the genuine spirit of baseball; an organization to which all Arizonans will point with pride, which conducts its business with integrity and community responsibility; so that Arizona’s children will grow up knowing the rich tradition that has made baseball America’s National Pastime.

The Chase Field neighborhood offers a game-day atmosphere that rates firmly above average as far as big league settings go. Though Phoenix’s city blocks are long—like Las Vegas long—there are no massive parking lots surrounding Chase, which makes the just-outside-the-gates eating and drinking establishments that much closer. And while many of the places are chains (such as Hooters at 445 N. 3rd St. and the Hard Rock Café at 3 S. 2nd St.), there are a number of unique spots to have a beer or meal. Phoenix offers some of the best Mexican eats in the bigs too, so do partake.

101 E. Jackson St.

www.alicecooperstown.com/

I’m eighteen and I like it! But you’ve got to be twenty-one to get into this joint, owned by 1970s rocker Alice Cooper. Cooperstown describes itself as a place “where jocks and rock meet.” It’s kind of like the Hard Rock Café and ESPN Zone rolled into one. Barbecue food is their specialty, and it’s surprisingly good, though not terribly cheap. “The Big Unit” is a twenty-two-inch-long one-pound hot dog named after The Big Unit, Randy Johnson. It was inspired in part by Johnson, and in part by the giant python Alice used to brandish on stage. We were impressed that it comes with a baguette bun to match its considerable length. There are also menu items named after Charles Barkley, Shaq, Magic Johnson, Tony La Russa, Tommy Lasorda, Ty Cobb, Kurt Warner, Megadeth, Sammy Hagar, and Marge Simpson.

Big Unit Photo:
www.alicecooperstown.com/Alice-BigUnit.html

245 East Jackson St.

Jackson’s is close to the park and should be a lead player when it comes to beer-drinking and pregame partying. And yet, it’s had trouble staying open consistently through the years. In 2011 it reopened under new management. Here’s hoping it sticks. With air-conditioning, TVs everywhere, multiple bars inside and out, and a vast selection of beers on tap, the only thing missing is a bit more baseball memorabilia. After the game, expect loud music and drunken twenty-somethings looking to hook up with a new friend or two.

24 North 2nd St.

www.majerles.com/

Fans of the Phoenix Suns will want to visit Dynamite Dan’s sports bar. Long before Majerle’s 2002 retirement from the NBA, he had thrown himself into the restaurant business. His friendly downtown pub, which opened in 1992, is still going strong two decades later. And he recently opened a satellite location in Scottsdale. The menu is not as interesting as the
photos and memorabilia on the wall that feature Dan and his famous friends.

412 South 3rd St.

www.coachandwillies.com/

For those willing to spend a few bucks more on dinner, Coach and Willie’s is a sound choice. From wood-fired pizza to filet mignon, this wonderfully Arizona-decorated restaurant is sure to please. The patio and the balcony are nearly worth the price of admission in themselves. This is the kind of place where players are more likely to hang out than ordinary slobs.

18 West Monroe St.

www.seamusmccaffreys.com/

This place is an authentic Irish pub and is worth a mention because Kevin seems to derive some special thrill from pointing out every Irish pub in America. It’s a great sports pub if you’re into football: not our kind of football. When they say “football,” they mean soccer. When they say “American football,” they mean football. But more often than not, they only talk about football.

Vendors line the sidewalks hawking goodies, giving this ultramodern ballpark an old-time baseball vibe. We found everything from souvenir programs to Cajun nuts, which by the way are delicious. The Vienna beef dog stands are great for a pregame snack, and the kettle corn is always fresh. But what we couldn’t understand were the vendors selling bottles of frozen water. We had both always called frozen water “ice,” but the vendors outside Chase call it “frozen water” for some reason. This is a solid choice if you’ll be walking around in the heat for a while, but if you’re thirsty
now
it’s kind of a tease.

Chase Field might have the most refreshing main entrance of any park in baseball. To enter, fans pass through a gauntlet of misting stations that gingerly spray them with refreshing drops of water. But sadly, that’s where the misting ends. When you get inside your body acclimates very quickly to the air-conditioning, and because it’s 115 degrees outside, that means it’s only 85 degrees Fahrenheit inside on the lower level, and hotter as you climb up to your seats in the Upper Level. Clearly seeing a game in the AC isn’t the same as going to a movie in the summer and coming out chilled. With very wide and open concourses that keep fans close to the game, there is plenty to do while on the prowl. A variety of restaurants and vendors inhabit the concourses. And the upper reaches provide the same quality concession offerings that the lower-level concourses do, which we appreciate very much. Though Chase does not like to be called a dome, when the arched roof is closed, it truly stretches the definition of a retractable-roof stadium. Nonetheless, even in its domed condition Chase presents a better atmosphere than, say, Tropicana Field, where the artificial turf further detracts from the game.

The first level of the entry rotunda is adorned with a mural depicting the history of sports, with pictures ranging from medieval jousting to games of Native Americans to Ancient Greece and Rome. Of course, the display concludes with the formation of the Diamondbacks in 1998, the crowning achievement in the history of game-playing, from an Arizonan’s perspective. On the upper levels, there appear scenes chronicling the history of Arizona.

Kevin:
Can you name the five Cs of early Arizona’s economic prosperity?

Josh:
Cattle, Climate, Copper, Citrus, and Cotton. I read the historical marker, too.

Be sure to have yourself an up-close look at the 2001 World Series trophy just inside Gate E.

Kevin:
Big deal. All these World Series trophies look exactly the same.

Josh:
Spoken like a fan whose team has never won one.

Of all the ballparks with retractable roofs, only Rogers Centre feels domier—to coin a new term—than Chase Field. The roof does not open parallel to the base paths as in Seattle and Houston. It opens from the middle, following an imaginary line that runs from foul pole to foul pole. When it’s retracted the outfield feels more exposed than at the other retractable-roof yards (excepting the one in Seattle). But the downside is that seats at both ends of the park are still covered when the roof is open, making parts of the stadium always feel indoors. Both Seattle and Houston have huge areas outside where their roofs can telescope when opened. This allows those ballparks to open a bit wider.

Huge billboards above the outfield seats reside on panels that open when the weather allows. These measure about sixty-by-sixty feet by our estimation. When closed, they help seal Chase for maximum cooling and add to the notion that the park is in fact one big ad machine. When popped open, they provide window views of downtown.

Josh:
Do you think the sponsors pray for sun?

Kevin:
I don’t think corporate America prays.

While visiting Phoenix with the Cardinals, Mark McGwire once hit a batting practice homer that bounced out of the window just to the left of the video board. The shot was estimated to carry some 510 feet, which we figure would have been about 410 if “Big Mac” hadn’t been juicing.

The pool is as mandatory to the everyday survival of folks in Phoenix as the subway is in New York City. Life is simply more feasible because of it. But for the price they charge at Chase, you could have a pool installed in your backyard and still have some coin left over for a bleacher seat to the ballgame. That said, this would be a great setting for a bachelor’s party. For that sort of thing, it’s not a bad venue.

Future Arizona first baseman Mark Grace became the first player to hit a homer into the swimming pool while playing for the Cubs on May 12, 1998. Less than a week later, the Diamondbacks’ Devon White became the first player to hit two homers into the drink. White “went swimming” on May 16 and May 18. Keep your eye on the water, because whenever a D-Backs’ player homers fountains above the pool spray water into the air. For the record, the pool is 415 feet from home plate, or 60 feet farther than a home run down the right-field line in San Francisco must travel to reach McCovey Cove.

Kevin:
You want to take a swim, don’t you?

Josh:
No, I was just checking out a woman in a bikini.

Kevin:
Don’t worry, I won’t tell Heather.